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tinkerbell77 · Feb 22, 2007, 01:22 PM

I have a question I wanted to just push around to see others thoughts. A friend of mine is a alcoholic. She has openly admitted this, and has tried to get help from AA. When she get's in to the program she seems worse. She'll call my house crying drunk all hours of the day saying she can't take the stress in her life any more. She has a son that is 9 and I'm really concerned for his safety. Recently she got a DUI. Luckly her son was not with her at the time. But I do know of times she has drove around with him.

To make the situation even more crazy, recently she is accusing the father (let's call him Jon) of hitting her son. I know that they split up because Jon was abusive to her. And when asking her what is going on, she said over a year ago Jon hit his son. There is nothing recently going on. To me it seems she likes to stir up trouble. She keeps talking about how she wants to run away with her son so Jon won't hurt her son any more. Sadly, I think her alcoholism is hurting her son more then Jon. I'm not sure what to do? She has called social services and the school councler on Jon and they are suposably investigating possible child abuse by Jon. But, I think they need to be aware of her alcoholism too. But I really don't know what home is better? I don't know enough about Jon, just the stories she has told. But what I do know, is her house hold situation. She is drinking most of the time. She's even mentioned how her son hides her alcohol from her. She drives drunk with him in the car. She has called me hysterical about stuff that makes no since to be hysterical about. But I know a lot of times it's the alcohol talking. I want to be a friend, and I want her to get help not get her son taken away. But I know I can't help her if she isn't willing to help herself. What should I do? I've never known a alcoholic before and I'm not sure what to say? I want her to get help not only for her self, but mostly for her son. And in the mean time, would SS take her son away for her alcoholism?

I know this got long, but any advise would help! Thanks

shygrneyzs · Feb 22, 2007, 02:40 PM

Social Services could step in, might step in, but it would not be because she is an alcoholic - it would be as a result of her current drinking and erratic behavior and putting her child at risk. Even a person who is a recovered alcoholic is still an alcoholic.

You are not mandated by any legislation to report her, but you have the moral obligation to report her. Express your concerns, relate the things your friend tells you ( that she drives drunk with her son in the car). Child Protective Services then has the duty to investigate her. If you know of a time she is driving while drinking and has her child with, call the police.

No child ever deserves to be in an environment like that. Be this child's guardian angel.

tinkerbell77 · Feb 22, 2007, 02:55 PM

Thank you for the advice. I know that no child deserves to be in that situation. I have children myself and it hurts me to see her son hurt. And I know anyone taking her son away will hurt her to. But maybe give her a push to make her life better??

So if I do report her, do you know if I could do it annonomously? She usually calls me after the fact when she's been drinking and driving with him in the car. There was once she told me that she had to get more alcohol and she called me while she was walking back in the door. Then there was another time she called me and said she was out driving around with him trying to find me, and said she came by my house. I was actually out doing arrands and didn't here my cell phone. So I didn't know it tell later. But IF she is out and I call the cops and they stop her, do you know what they will do? Will it be scary for her son to see her get arrested?

Thanks for the advise, this is great to get new light on it all. I really want to do what is right for him!

Squiffy · Feb 22, 2007, 03:03 PM

My partner was brought up by an alcoholic mother. She regularly drove the kids around while drunk was arrested several times but never prosecuted as they were very wealthy and influential. As a result my partner, being the eldest, pretty much brought up his brothers. It has affected his life, he has a tendency toward drinking too much himself, and also has severe mental health problems because of infant alcohol syndrome. He loved his mum, but does resent the life he was forced to live because of her drinking. She died from her alcoholism a few years ago. Kids need their parents, but they need their parents to be sober and they don't need to have to look after their parents. She needs help, social services might step in, but they might not. It sounds like this lad hasn't got a decent parent at all, and living in care in no walk in the park either. If she wants to stop drinking, do anything you can to help her, let the school know, let ss know, offer to look after him maybe sometimes. Make sure that lad is OK first, mum won't be helped until she really wants to be.

shygrneyzs · Feb 22, 2007, 03:12 PM

Any reports are taken anonymously. If you wish to leave your name you can, if they ask you. If this would ever come to court, you could be called as a witness. If that happens, do not be afraid to be a witness. Think of that child. Have you ever considered becoming a foster parent, just in case your friend's child is placed out of the home? That is how my (now ex) husband and I got started in foster care - we had already known the child we were doing respite care for. When we found out that his current foster Mom could not care for him anymore, we applied. Glad to say he came to live with us on Sept 9, 1997. On February 1, 1999, he became our legal son.

It is all about protecting children. We are placed on Earth to make life better for at least one person.

Thank you so much for caring about this little boy. Do what you can to intervene, offer to take him if you can. Let him know he is a very loved little boy. God bless.

tinkerbell77 · Feb 23, 2007, 12:27 PM

Thank you all for the input. I have never been around a alcoholic or really known how it effects the children tell I met my friend. I myself was mentally abused, and some physical abuse as a child. I don't speak to my parents to this day. I know a unfit home can really take a toll on your whole life.
Yesterday after I wrote this post, my friend called and had went to her court case for her DUI drunk. After the hearing she recked her car and got another DUI. Luckly no one was hurt and her son was not with her. It was a true wake up call to me that she isn't ready to get help. Luckly her sister took her son for the night. I'm not sure if her sister plans on keeping him for long or would want him if he does get taken away? Her sister is younger, working part time and going to college.
Shygrneyzs, about your foster care situation. I'm not sure that I would want to do foster care all the time. I do have 2 children of my own and a 3rd on the way. I love kids, and I would be willing to take on my friends child. He loves my kids! But can I look in to foster care in the intentions to just take on this child if he is taken from his home?
Squiffy, that is so sad about your partner. I know child hoods can stick with us forever. I will definitely take everyone's advise to let SS know and protect him. Especially after yesterday! I have a question about your comment to offer to take her son from time to time. I have offered to watch him. My only concern when he is at our house is that she is out getting drunk and going to pick him up drunk. She hasn't yet... But in that situation can I do anything?? Maybe just talk nicely to her and say that he wants to stay the night with the kids if that's OK and not mention that she is drunk and call the police when she leaves??
I guess the good thing that came from her accident yesterday is that she recked her car and it's not drivable. So she won't be drinking and driving tell she can get a hold of another car.
Thank you for your replys!!

babysaver · Feb 14, 2010, 07:35 AM

You can definitely call an intake into CPS anonymously. You could also give your first name and email which would make allow CPS to follow up with you during the case to see if there are on-going concerns during the investigation. No one can ever find out who reported you unless for some reason you are asked to witness at a court hearing. In the 3 years I have been doing this I have never seen a reporter being asked to testify at court. Not at all saying this could never happen. Just saying this has been my experience. By the time the case would get to family court CPS would have so many professionals that will have become involved with the family that they would be the ones to testify. Just to reiterate, I am not saying you will NEVER be called to testify. Just sharing my 3 years personal experience in seeing family court hearings.