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tirednhurt86 · Jul 18, 2006, 01:24 PM

Hey

OK well most of you know I got out of a 2 yr relationship about 3 months ago and it has been very hard to move on and let go... with the last thing my ex did to me ( the phone call about liking another girl when I confessed I loved him) I found it easier to let go some more. Anyhow, I had been talking to this friend of a friend online and on the phone. He calls me all the time- like 6 times a day, and one day he said he was going to the doctor- then he admitted it was a psychologist because of depression- he never said anything more about it. So I decided to go on a date with him anyhow, he seemed like a nice guy and he really wanted to go out on a date with me. So he packed a picnic dinner, brought me to the ocean beach and took me on a nature walk... then he became crazy- he confessed that he loves me ( this is the 1st date! ) he said he would live for me and die for me, that I am his fallen angel and that I have saved him. He didn't believe in god, and I am a christian so then he said I believe in god because I saw your face... he wouldn't stop touching me even when I told him look I need to take things slow I'm still recovering from my last relationship... he even practically drove off the road because he was staring at me the whole time saying wow do you know how amazingly beautiful you are? He wrote a song on the spot for me and played it. He kept grabbing my hand, trying to kiss me and I kept saying no and giving him the cheek. He just wouldn't stop! I felt smothered! He keeps calling saying he loves me, that he would die without me... ok now keep in mind this is the 1st date, I never led him on I said I'm not sure what I want or am ready for and he said ok- he knew all this ahead of time. I think I saw scars on his arm ( like he might have been a cutter) so now I'm terrified to tell him I'm not interested... how do I do this? I wanted to be friends and see what happened but now I don't want anything in the relationship area at all. How can I let him down and not have him kill himself or go crazy?

Kryc · Jul 18, 2006, 02:03 PM

I would not play around on this issue. I would tell him you feel like you rushed back into dating to soon and need a lot more time to heal from your ex. You didn't realize how much you had cared for your ex. Don't play around though if you think he will hurt you or himself call the police. Depression can really mess with a persons head. Also if he is taking medication for depression and if it is not working or worse having a reverse effect (making the depression worse). He will need help. The worst thing you can do is not do anything at all. If you don't say something soon, the infatuation will only get worse and harder for him to let go.

phillysteakandcheese · Jul 18, 2006, 02:03 PM

It might be cold, but it's really not your problem if he does "kill himself or go crazy" as a result of you not being mutually infatuated with him.

I would tell him exactly what you said at the end of your post - "I want to be friends, but I don't want anything in the relationship area at all". He'll probably be devastated, and maybe he won't want to be just friends.

You can't get yourself into a relationship because your frightened of what the guy might do.
You can't lead the guy on with false hope.

All you really can do is be open and honest and tell him your true feelings - even if they hurt him.

Wildcat21 · Jul 18, 2006, 02:22 PM

Ughhhhhhhhh - I agree - this is not something to mess around with. He has some massive, major problems here. This is really serious stuff.

See - that call 6 times a day should have been a major red flag.

Sadly and hopefully tell him once that you are not over your ex, and not ready for anything and need to work on yourself right now is all you can say. THEN ignore him.

Skell · Jul 18, 2006, 04:55 PM

SCARY Guy. First date and all that rubbish he carried on with. Freak!!

This is defininitely not what you are after right now tired and hurt. Not what anyone is after.

Try and explain to him why you don't want anything and if he won't listen you just need to ignore him.

He will get the picture hopefully then.

I know for a fact that right now you need to work on you. Help yourself get over the ex. You don't need the worries of someone like this.

You will get there though. I know you will!

Blazingsun · Jul 18, 2006, 05:11 PM

What everyone says is right on. Just becareful. If he is as infatuated as you make it sound you MAY need to look into getting a peace bond if the guy doesn't take the hint and leave u alone.

Be careful.

valinors_sorrow · Jul 18, 2006, 06:55 PM

I seriously doubt that you will be able to be friends. Tell him the next time he contacts you that you are not interested. If he asked for an explanation, tell him politely you are simply not interested again and that you wish him well and then say goodbye. Be prepared to take the necessary actions should he not be respectful of this. Whatever trouble is going to come, won't be lessoned by waiting or any other thing you might do. If you are representing him correctly, you'll be lucky if that ends it.

talaniman · Jul 18, 2006, 07:26 PM

No friendships
No contact
No explanation-except leave me alone or I call the police
This guy is a psycho! Whatever you do he will be a nut!
Cut your ties and watch your back.

Blazingsun · Jul 18, 2006, 07:36 PM

EXACTLY talaniman!!

Wildcat21 · Jul 18, 2006, 09:44 PM

IF anything gets weird... go to the police immeditaley... I am not kidding. That is just too bizarre.

valinors_sorrow · Jul 19, 2006, 03:57 AM

I had someone obsessed with me stalk and harrass me all through high school (the laws and attitudes were very different then) and I can tell you from personal experience that people who don't "look like they would be dangerous", can be. I have learned a great deal about this topic since then and the best book I've ever read on it is The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker. Talaniman is really right about watch your back. I don't mean to scare you but be more mindful of your surroundings until this passes. And under no circumstances get in this guy's car or go anywhere with him, no matter what.

Wildcat21 · Jul 19, 2006, 08:00 AM

Well - there's ways to make it stop. Calling the police is step one - document everything you can remember. Changing a phone # is step 2.

If he has parents notify them

Chery · Jul 20, 2006, 04:24 PM

This is something that we don't wish on our worst enemies and I know the feeling.

What I did to this young man (he was 20 years younger than me) was to tell him that he scared me, and if he liked me as much as he claimed, he'd leave me alone for a while. He asked me why I said that and I told him that I cared enough to tell him the truth and that I hoped that he'll work out his problems. He hung up on me, and I was worried he'd hurt himself somehow, but I just could not break contact without an explanation. I heard from him a month later (thank goodness). He's OK, leaves me alone, and I went on with my life.

I sincerely hope that it will be as easy (if one can call this type of situation easy) for you to conclude.

Lots of luck, and keep us posted.

P.S. I like the advantages of the Internet, love this forum, but I will never 'chat' and meet someone this way - it's too risky.

tirednhurt86 · Jul 21, 2006, 01:51 AM

Heyy everyone

I just wanted to thank all of you for your responses- they were all helpful and I used advice from everyone to write him a letter. He took it well so far and wants to remain friends. I basically told him that I am still not over my ex ( which is true) that I need time on my own and that I am not the right girl for him because I cannot give him what he needs right now. So it seems OK so far... ill keep everyone updated. Thanks again!