[elijah679]

I am in a current relationship with my girlfriend that I feel really good in for the most part. At times I feel like me and her are best friends even. We have a lot in common. But the only problem I have is that she told me that in her life she slept with a total of 25 men and she just turned 30. But even more concerning than that is the fact that we live in a small town now where there is about 20,000 people and she has only lived here about 2 years now and already slept with 6 people within the first year. Me and her have been daing now for about 10 months. And every time I turn around I have to see one of her ex. And aside from these 6 guys she had sex with, there are more guys that she used to just hang out with and kiss sometimes. Just tonight I saw a friend of mine while we were out eating and my friend who is a girl acted strangely when she saw her. So I asked my GF why and she said oh probably because when she(my gf) first moved in the small town my friend's sister's boyfirend used to hang out with her a bit and that was why my friend didn't like her. It's seems as if the list keeps growing. I feel pretty strange about this. I have lived in this small town for about 6 years and have probably slept with about 4 girls.

[paxe]

Well... I cannot put any judgment into that as anybody is free to sleep with anyone, but if you have some problems talk to her. Communication is the key. Let her know you're fears and why it bothers you but be respectful.

[britEl]

Everyone does have a past and you are going to have to deal with it. The big part is that she is with YOU right now and not with any of the other guys she had slept with before, so what is the problem other then a long list of people she had been with and hopefully a big folder at the doctors office full of STD checks.

[elijah679]

Wow that was a quick reply. Thank Paxe. She lost her mom at the age of 17 to cancer. She actually watched her mom die and her father who is from this small town that we live in now used to abuse her mother when my girlfriend was like 5 and after her mom could not take it anymore she left with my girlfriend and she never saw her father until about 2 years ago when she moved back here. She was also married at the age of 18 right after her mom died and it was extremely abusive. And she had a relationship prior to meeting me. She was married fom the age of 18 to the age of 27 and she said she never once cheated. And from the age of 27 to 29 she dated the guy she left her husband for and she said she never cheated on him. So the 25 guys she slept with were 19 guys between the age of 15-18 before she was married and 6 guys within the first year of her moving here to this small town.

[itried]

Personally, if my girlfriend told me that she had sex with as many dudes as your girlfriend has I would without a doubt end the relationship with her. Can you imagine what 25 guys standing end to end looks like? That's a disturbing image.

The reason I would end it is because I would feel like the sucker who bought the cow while everyone else got the milk for free. Call me an a--hole or whatever, but that is what all the other guys are thinking you are. This is a fact. I would never want to be that guy; the guy who is stuck holding the hot potato. I'm sure you've had similar thoughts. The real question is: Can you live with them without going crazy?

[paxe]

I kind of knew it she had a past history, it's not the first girl you know who is like that. She seems pretty genuine, you know sex for some girls is a way to cope with feelings, it's something they can hardly control. If you really like her, take care of her and talk to her. She needs stability I believe.

[paxe]

Personally, if my girlfriend told me that she had sex with as many dudes as your girlfriend has I would without a doubt end the relationship with her. Can you imagine what 25 guys standing end to end looks like? That's a disturbing image.

The reason I would end it is because I would feel like the sucker who bought the cow while everyone else got the milk for free. Call me an a--hole or whatever, but that is what all the other guys are thinking you are. This is a fact. I would never want to be that guy; the guy who is stuck holding the hot potato. I'm sure you've had similar thoughts. The real question is: Can you live with them without going crazy?

That's where we differ in opinion. If you have your own insecurities then yes, you won't feel confident and will try to blame it on her. The past is the past, why would be that wrong for women or men to sleep with many partners (beside the STD)? Beside if you have a religious reason, there is not real tangible why this is wrong.

You're probably saying that she slept with many men so she is going to do it again. Well that's only your own insecurities talking and she never cheated while she was married.

[talaniman]

I can imagine all the guys your talking about have the same reaction as you do, and it only shows that she is looking for love in all the wrong places, and her choice of guys isn't that great. That includes you too.

If you can't handle it, then go no further, because 10 months is not enough time to know what's in her head, or even guess, but obviously it bothers you, so she is not a cow but a person, you either can deal with, or not.

Your decision if she is worth the risk of continuing to date, but fair warning, never blame her for what goes on in your head, and if your worried about what others say, your already in trouble.

[itried]

That's where we differ in opinion. If you have your own insecurities then yes, you won't feel confident and will try to blame it on her. The past is the past, why would be that wrong for women or men to sleep with many partners (beside the STD)? Beside if you have a religious reason, there is not real tangible why this is wrong.

You're probably saying that she slept with many men so she is going to do it again. Well that's only your own insecurities talking and she never cheated while she was married.

If by insecurity you mean I don't like the thought of my wife/gf being ran through by the starting line-up of the Pittsburgh Steelers then, yes, I guess I am insecure.

I've gone through my life giving respect and respecting myself. Why would I settle for a woman who has problems keeping her legs closed? It cheapens your relationship because you'll never know if you're special to her in any way but for the fact that you decided to stay with her. Not my idea of a great foundation for a healthy relationship. Shacking up with every other guys sloppy seconds. That's called being a sucker for love.

I have no problem with my girlfriend having a sexual past, but this is a little too much. Obviously the OP thinks so or he wouldn't be asking. Because of this, it's HIM who is insecure, not me. Don't bring up my insecurities because that's a pretty big leap in your logic considering we have never met. I in turn could say that you think your thoughts because your wife/gf also has a promiscuous past and YOU are now stuck holding the "hot potato" and have justified being with her. Let's just stick to the OP.

[paxe]

If by insecurity you mean I don't like the thought of my wife/gf being ran through by the starting line-up of the Pittsburgh Steelers then, yes, I guess I am insecure.

I've gone through my life giving respect and respecting myself. Why would I settle for a woman who has problems keeping her legs closed? It cheapens your relationship because you'll never know if you're special to her in any way but for the fact that you decided to stay with her. Not my idea of a great foundation for a healthy relationship. Shacking up with every other guys sloppy seconds. That's called being a sucker for love.

I have no problem with my girlfriend having a sexual past, but this is a little too much. Obviously the OP thinks so or he wouldn't be asking. Because of this, it's HIM who is insecure, not me. Don't bring up my insecurities because that's a pretty big leap in your logic considering we have never met. I in turn could say that you think your thoughts because your wife/gf also has a promiscuous past and YOU are now stuck holding the "hot potato" and have justified being with her. Let's just stick to the OP.

Agreed about sticking to the OP, but I was talking generally, not to you personally so I'm sorry if you were offended. It's very probably that people who "kept their legs closed" can hurt you as much and cheat on you. She didn't cheat while she was married, it's actually better than a lot of couples out there. If you read the OP message, she slept with 19 out of the 25 guys when she was between 15 and 18. That means her most "active" sexual life happened 12 years ago... I don't see what the problem is, people change and mature.

[zippit]

If by insecurity you mean I don't like the thought of my wife/gf being ran through by the starting line-up of the Pittsburgh Steelers then, yes, I guess I am insecure.

I've gone through my life giving respect and respecting myself. Why would I settle for a woman who has problems keeping her legs closed? It cheapens your relationship because you'll never know if you're special to her in any way but for the fact that you decided to stay with her. Not my idea of a great foundation for a healthy relationship. Shacking up with every other guys sloppy seconds. That's called being a sucker for love.

I have no problem with my girlfriend having a sexual past, but this is a little too much. Obviously the OP thinks so or he wouldn't be asking. Because of this, it's HIM who is insecure, not me. Don't bring up my insecurities because that's a pretty big leap in your logic considering we have never met. I in turn could say that you think your thoughts because your wife/gf also has a promiscuous past and YOU are now stuck holding the "hot potato" and have justified being with her. Let's just stick to the OP.

Your whole take on this only shows your insecurities and imaturity.
You know? All of that how many guys have you slept with? Stuff goes out the window after you get past 30 if your mature at ALL
I have been married to my lovely wife for 12 years and we have NEVER discussed anyone she has slept with,I met her ex-husband once so what?I don't care if she had 50 ex husbands she is a good wife and I'm lucky to have her end of story

[itried]

Agreed about sticking to the OP, but I was talking generally, not to you personally so I'm sorry if you were offended. It's very probably that people who "kept their legs closed" can hurt you as much and cheat on you. She didn't cheat while she was married, it's actually better than a lot of couples out there. If you read the OP message, she slept with 19 out of the 25 guys when she was between 15 and 18. That means her most "active" sexual life happened 12 years ago... I don't see what the problem is, people change and mature.

Agreed. No offence taken.

Sure, people can mature. I can believe that. My only issue is the toll that this takes on him. I would never want to be constantly bumping into my girl's ex's every few days or so. Eventually, I would begin to see my woman as a different person. But that's me.

There's nothing wrong with what you think and there's nothing wrong with what I think. They are just two different philosophies that two different people adhere to in order to make sense of life and get through it. He needs to figure out what his is and stick to it or whatever. This is where we come in. I've given my thoughts and you've given yours. Between us, I feel that we have basically represented the two major factions of thought on this subject.

[zippit]

Its like you youngters think the sex is going to go bad if she has too many ex BF's,I can see being careful on disease lets put that away because that is not what the op is about he just can't handle the fact she had sex with someone else so now pick a number what's too many
1.) ?

2?

3? 4? 5? 6? Get the point
What does it matter either go get yourself a virgin or stop worry about the past
Meanwhile grow up!!

[Just Looking]

She has had a difficult life. With an abusive father, it's not surprising that she was looking for love. As you said, 19 of the 25 were between the ages of 15-18. That's a tough age, even tougher when she didn't have the most stable upbringing - and then to lose her mother at 17. I can't tell you how many girls I know with troubled pasts that have done the same thing. I don't think that there is shame in it - they are trying to cope and don't have the tools to do it. If she hasn't done so, going to counseling might be a big help.

[zippit]

I
I have lived in this small town for about 6 years and have probably slept with about 4 girls.

So if your number was higher it would be o.k.

[friend4u178]

Everyone has different tolerance levels when it comes their partners pasts so there is no right answer.

It's her past and she can't change it so you either decide to live with it and stop making your insecurities her fault or you get the h*ll out of the kitchen.

[artlady]

Have you ever heard the expression looking for love in all the wrong places?

I think that pretty much sums up what your girl may have been doing.

Trying to fill a void in her life and looking for love but ending up with damaged self esteem and most likely thinking she had little value to a man other than her sex.

I have had a few promiscuous friends and there was always an underlying reason.

Poor family relationships,lack of a solid father figure.

Early childhood sexual or verbal abuse.

I don't think many young girls say "I want to sleep around and have a poor self image when I grow up".

Stuff happens.

You have to look at the underlying cause and accept what you can not change and if you can't totally accept it then rethink the relationship.

Her past is not something for you to bring up when you have an argument.

You don't go into a relationship trying to change someone and you definitely don't go into a relationship trying to erase someone's past.It just can't be done.

If you can't stand the heat ,get out of the kitchen!

[itried]

your whole take on this only shows your insecurities and imaturity.
you know ,all that how many guys have you slept with? stuff goes out the window after you get past 30 if your mature at ALL
I have been married to my lovely wife for 12 years and we have NEVER discussed anyone she has slept with,I met her ex-husband once so what?I dont care if she had 50 ex husbands she is a good wife and im lucky to have her end of story

I'm not the one who's upset or mad about this. I can still type properly plus I still know how to spell and use proper grammar. I seem to have offended you, while your opinions have not affected my life in any way. I understand that there are differing viewpoints and perspectives on a variety of topics and the fact that they don't necessarily support my point of view doesn't upset me at all. I suggest you work on integrating and processing other trains of thought before you take them as personal attacks (the personal anecdote was quite touching, though). I wish you the best of luck with that because it truly is the only way to tell a balanced human being from a maniac.

So, in reality, who's the insecure and immature one here?

P.S.

What the heck does this mean?

you know ,all that how many guys have you slept with? stuff goes out the window after you get past 30 if your mature at ALL

I kind of, sort of, possibly, maybe see the genesis of a coherent sentence. But maybe not.

Again, the personal attacks are unnecessary. Let's stick to the OP.

[zippit]

Personally, if my girlfriend told me that she had sex with as many dudes as your girlfriend has I would without a doubt end the relationship with her. Can you imagine what 25 guys standing end to end looks like? That's a disturbing image.

The reason I would end it is because I would feel like the sucker who bought the cow while everyone else got the milk for free. Call me an a--hole or whatever, but that is what all the other guys are thinking you are. This is a fact. I would never want to be that guy; the guy who is stuck holding the hot potato. I'm sure you've had similar thoughts. The real question is: Can you live with them without going crazy?

I just thought this was the dumbest reply I have read all day

[itried]

I just thought this was the dumbest reply i have read all day

Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

-Mark Twain