[askgirl3]

I've been in this relationship for 4 years. He is an outstanding person in so many ways.
We never fight, have similar interests and everything. BUT I have absolutely no physical attraction to him, (although HE is attracted to me ) I never have been and am afraid-
What do I do? He is such a wonderful person, and would be a great life partner, but
I will never be sexually excited by him. Am I totally doomed in this tragedy? Is it possible to create attraction out of nothing?

Help!

[GlindaofOz]

Well it sounds like you have a great friendship not a romantic life partner. You need to figure out what you want from your life. You can have the whole package and there is no reason to resign yourself to being with someone for the rest of your life who you are not attracted to. Eventually it will wear on your relationship. Sex can be a wonderfully intimate part of a relationship. It can help people unite and feel exceptionally close and loved. If you don't have that drive then I believe you will miss out on an integral part of a wonderful, fully satisfying relationship.

If you aren't attracted to him after 4 years then you cannot force yourself to be attracted to him. If you haven't grown to become attracted to him after years I cannot imagine that you ever will feel that attraction. However I can tell you that there has to be a guy out there who is everything you want AND you "want" him.

[askgirl3]

Well it sounds like you have a great friendship not a romantic life partner. you need to figure out what you want from your life. You can have the whole package and there is no reason to resign yourself to being with someone for the rest of your life who you are not attracted to. Eventually it will wear on your relationship. Sex can be a wonderfully intimate part of a relationship. It can help people unite and feel exceptionally close and loved. If you don't have that drive then I believe you will miss out on an integral part of a wonderful, fully satisfying relationship.

if you aren't attracted to him after 4 years then you cannot force yourself to be attracted to him. If you haven't grown to become attracted to him after years I cannot imagine that you ever will feel that attraction. However I can tell you that there has to be a guy out there who is everything you want AND you "want" him.

Thanks for the advice, you're probably right. The thing is, people say that there is always a short period of attraction in the beginning, and it usually wears off, but I don't think
I ever had that intense period of desire for him. Something odd is that I never even enjoyed kissing him, it almost repulses me I'm so terribly ashamed to say.

Breaking up with him seems so impossible to even think of, I don't even know where to start... I live with him and am so comfotable with the life we have together, and I have grown into an entirely new person since meeting him, although I must say I often times reminise about the way I used to be-
Spontaneous, fun, creative. He doesn't bring out these things in me. He is very intense,
Serious, stable, introverted. He's very financially well off, smart and talented so it would be so hard to pull myself away from him. He rarely makes me laugh which is such an important thing to my life. I can't even fathom living without him but then I can't
Live my life without sex- without that attraction I just feel dead, I dream about other
Guys all the time.

Is it ridiculous to leave all of this life just because of physical pleasure?

[GlindaofOz]

No. It sounds like the two of you aren't as compatible as you think you are. If you feel that he isn't making you the best version of yourself then why stay in the relationship? Your partner should make you the best version of yourself not suppress the things you love about yourself. I'm a really outgoing, fun loving person and if someone I dated suppressed that in me I'd leave.

To stay in a relationship because it is easy but soul sucking and unfulfilling is frankly stupid. You deserve to be happy, have amazing sex, great laughter and a wonderful passionate relationship. Yes, passion wears off in a relationship but one does not turn into a dead fish. I think you are kidding yourself into staying here. What would you tell a friend in this same spot?

[friend4u178]

WOW this is a difficult one! Can I ask why you have stayed for so long when you say ( "it almost repulses me I'm so terribly ashamed to say") if you aren't and never have been physically attracted to him?

[askgirl3]

WOW this is a difficult one! Can I ask why you have stayed for so long when you say ( "it almost repulses me I'm so terribly ashamed to say") if you aren't and never have been physically attracted to him??

Well it's kind of a long story actually... I used to take anti-depressants for a few years
Up until I met him, and I stopped taking them and started living a more balanced life and
All that. I thought that reason I wasn't attracted to him was because of some kind of
Withdrawl symptoms from that medication, which it's famous for causing sexual dysfunction. I also had this theory that maybe my physical body and my mind were
Somehow not connected on the right sexual path, and I needed to fix it with some kind of
Exercise...

But really my sexual function is fine I think- I can have orgasms, even multiples easily,
Although I don't get as much of a "pulsation" feeling down there like I used to when I was
A teen.

I made all other kinds of justifications to myself, like: not enough energy, will get more later/ I'm just stressed, etc. When I met him he wow'd me with him accomplishments, his creativity, his mind and his words. And since a woman's mind
Is her most powerful turn-on, why am I not turned on by this? Why doesn't it make
Me want to jump into bed with him!

Anyhow, what is the best way to end it, after all this time, if I choose to do so?

[GlindaofOz]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ghlight=Ash123

Go to the second page. There is some helpful stuff here. This guide is pretty great.

[GlindaofOz]

Also a man can be wonderful on paper but that doesn't mean that he is who you have to be with. I was in a relationship with a man for 6 months he was everything I should have loved and wanted. I was so not attracted to him but I was into him because he was smart. Funny and a great guy to be around. I kept trying to convince myself to love him and be attracted to him. I'm ashamed to admit that he was the one who broke up with me because he felt that things between us were troubled. It was great to not have to admit to him that our troubles involved the fact that I wasn't attracted to him at all. I know where you are coming from. But your happiness is important and your wants and needs are important. In this life your responsibility is to your own happiness and your own joy and the love you feel for yourself.

[askgirl3]

Also a man can be wonderful on paper but that doesn't mean that he is who you have to be with. I was in a relationship with a man for 6 months he was everything I should have loved and wanted. I was so not attracted to him but I was into him because he was smart. funny and a great guy to be around. I kept trying to convince myself to love him and be attracted to him. I'm ashamed to admit that he was the one who broke up with me because he felt that things between us were troubled. It was great to not have to admit to him that our troubles involved the fact that I wasn't attracted to him at all. i know where you are coming from. But your happiness is important and your wants and needs are important. In this life your responsibility is to your own happiness and your own joy and the love you feel for yourself.

Thanks for the help, he just woke up from the nap so have to go:)

[friend4u178]

I have to agree with Glinda.
If you are not attracted to him and haven't been for this long I don't think you will anytime soon. Look after yourself but consider his feelings as well when you finally make your decision. It will be hard but unfortunately some things just need to be done. I wish you luck!

[askgirl3]

Recently I posted about tragically not being attracted to my boyfriend of 4 years.
Should I give up I asked? Am I doomed? I thought I was.

I talked to him about it, and he brought up a good point: you must first love yourself before being attracted to someone else. Your level of self-confidence helps create
Desire for another. For example, I have not felt sexy in a very long time, and
Neither has my boyfriend. How would either of us ever look forward to sex if we are
Both ashamed of ourselves? Confidence is one of the top most sexy attributes.


In order to have desire, and to be desired, we must be truly confident
In ourselves. Nothing new of course, but it's good that I was reminded of this.
So for those out there who are lacking a good sex life, know it'll definitely help
To do good things for yourself which will boost self-esteem.


We all know physical exercise is one of those things, as well as positive self-talk,
Eating well and getting our beauty sleep.

But overall, before we give up entirely on a relationship just because the physical
Aspect is not there, we should always try to exhaust our options first, really give it
An effort, because if there is an underlying love there- that is something truly special.

[glavine]

This may sound silly but why don't you try and set a goal for both of you. Something that's a little tough but something you can do that would be rewarding.
Here's an example me and my wife just had a baby, well she did, I watched , anyway, she lost a lot of weight but not all of it, she was down on her self. And one of the things we did was we decided to stop drinking soda, and we've been soda free for 2 months now. And we both felt good about this, now did we rip each others clothes off... no, but it did make us feel good, its something we did together, its also something out of the normal which is also important,
When you've been with someone for a while you get used to them, you get complacent, instead of enjoying there company like you once did, you just go through the motions everyday, before you no it , you be looking a 5 years and feeling stuck or bored even more.
So my advise is to spice it up, do something stupid together, find an activity that neither of you can do and go do that.
Just think out of the box. Good luck to both of you.

[glavine]

I should have read your other post before I read this one.
Do you know why you don't want to leave him? You've already answered it, your just comfortable, and although its good in a way to be like that, it's a relationship killer.
Look at it this way, I'm not going to say waisted 4 yrs, but from the moment you started feeeling this way about him, its time wasted for you and him, of all the things you can get back in life, time isn't one of them,
And I can see if he has some money there is security there , but if you not happy money want make you happy, I've tried and its only temperary at best.
And this will never get easier, if your waiting for it to. That's when one day you look back on all this and wonder why you waited so long to do what you need to do.
Set him free, and as one of our friends on here have said, don't settle for someone you can live with, but find the one you can't live without.
Go get happy girl! Its your life on hold right now.

[undecided21]

Hi there,

Just wondering how this situation turned out. I'm in the same spot at the moment and am looking for some hope that breaking up is the right thing and that I will find others who fit my needs even better than he does.

[talaniman]

Sorry the OP has not been back since the last posting.