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TriciaG · Jul 6, 2007, 01:36 PM

I'm in a situation where I know the other woman's number, this is how I discovered something was going on, when my husband switched cell phones, and I had access to the numbers he was calling, there were over 100 calls to this number, both ways. Yes, I confronted him, and he insists that they are just friends... I've never had a friend that I call or calls me over 10 times a day.

I'm unsure of what to say if I call her, I don't even know her name, he refuses to give me any info, in his own time he says, he will not be pressured. She is married, that much I know, though how she could get away with calling at all hours of the day and night I have no idea... I had been spending weekends at my Mom's and the calls went on till midnight some weekends.

Any thoughts on how I should pursue this would be appreciated.

Tricia

talaniman · Jul 6, 2007, 02:34 PM

Answer the phone and tell her that you are the wife, and your husband cannot be reached at this number. The fact that she doesn't have his new number has to be a sign that they are not in constant contact.

Dennis777 · Jul 6, 2007, 02:52 PM

Hello.

There is no "in his time" left, If she is a friend and maybe having problems and he is trying to help her, then say so. If he is working with her planing a special gift then he could say don't ask you will find out soon. But to say "in his own time" tells me he doesn't plan on dealing with this and doesn't think your going to do anything about it.

My advice is to kick him to the curb. If he doesn't move out then you do it. Don't let him have the power in this or you will never have any control over him in the future.

Good Luck
Dennis777

TriciaG · Jul 6, 2007, 04:31 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Answer the phone and tell her that you are the wife, and your husband cannot be reached at this number. The fact that she doesn't have his new number has to be a sign that they are not in constant contact.

Thanks for the reply... she has his new cell #, the last phone he had was paid for by the company, so I was never aware of phone calls on it, now we both have the same plan, so when I went to pay the bill I clicked on 'call detail' and saw the same # repeated page after page... the last two months there have been less, only one last month... which makes me think he just found a way around it, cause right before her # appeared on the page, he checked his voice mail... which makes me wonder if she's just calling from another phone... he's out on the street a lot, and has people report to him, so I can't know who all the numbers belong to.

nauticalstar420 · Jul 6, 2007, 04:33 PM

Is the plan you two share in your name? If so, I'd have the phone shut off :)

TriciaG · Jul 6, 2007, 04:54 PM

Originally Posted by Dennis777

Hello.

There is no "in his time" left, If she is a friend and maybe having problems and he is trying to help her, then say so. If he is working with her planing a special gift then he could say don't ask you will find out soon. But to say "in his own time" tells me he doesn't plan on dealing with this and doesn't think your going to do anything about it.

My advice is to kick him to the curb. If he doesn't move out then you do it. Don't let him have the power in this or you will never have any control over him in the future.

Good Luck
Dennis777

Thanks Dennis... you're right about the power thing, I guess if I was younger, I wouldn't have a problem attempting that... no way I can kick him out, he holds all the cards... I'm in my 50's, and we've been together 27 years... and no, there is no special gift, in fact what made me look at the phone records was that I found a receipt for a 1200$ bracelet he said he bought her for her birthday... he met her in group therapy and insists they're just friends... no, other than my wedding rings, he has never spent that much on any of my gifts.

nauticalstar420 · Jul 6, 2007, 04:59 PM

Wow. I think twenty bucks is the most I have ever spent on a friend. That is not fair to you! Whenever I see a strange number on my husband's phone, I call it and find out who it is. My husband ruined his credit, so his phone is in my name and I pay for it. If he can't use it sensibly and respectfully, I will get rid of it. You should call and confront the woman. Depending on how slick he is, she may not even know he's married.

talaniman · Jul 6, 2007, 05:05 PM

$1200, ?????????????????????????????
Sorry ain't that much love in the world to stop me from going ballistic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mid life crisis my a$$.

TriciaG · Jul 6, 2007, 05:32 PM

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

Is the plan you two share in your name? If so, i'd have the phone shut off :)

No, everything is in his name

nauticalstar420 · Jul 6, 2007, 05:34 PM

Just simply call her and talk to her. Like I said, if he's really slick, she might not even know he's married. She might be very nice, she might not. The only way to really find out is confrontation. You really aren't finding out anything from him, so I recommend moving on and talking to her :)

TriciaG · Jul 6, 2007, 05:36 PM

Thanks guys, I needed a place to vent... I really don't share this kind of stuff with anyone I know... in real life. Just getting it out, and having someone listen has made me feel better... one of the comments he made was that her husband has no problem with their friendship, I think I'm going to ask for his name, so I can call him, and find out what the secret is to 'his having no problem'.

TriciaG · Jul 6, 2007, 06:04 PM

Just simply call her and talk to her. Like I said, if he's really slick, she might not even know he's married. She might be very nice, she might not. The only way to really find out is confrontation. You really aren't finding out anything from him, so I recommend moving on and talking to her

They're in a therapy group together, so she does know I exist... plus she's married.

Inspired · Jul 6, 2007, 06:20 PM

I think they are much more than friends. A $1200 bracelet, common guys. Hes either planning on cheating or already cheating.

CaptainRich · Jul 6, 2007, 08:12 PM

Originally Posted by TriciaG

No, everything is in his name

Having a utility in his name only is subverting you as a partner in that relationship. If you think this is all about the phones, you need to re-focus on the man and why he's making all these calls. Is something lacking at home? Is he secure, both emotionally or financially?

talaniman · Jul 6, 2007, 08:16 PM

He would out on his a$$. Then he would have time to think about pissing me off, and if that didn't work half of everything would be mine, and he would still be on his A$$.

barevalo · Jul 6, 2007, 08:44 PM

I think you need to call her and talk to her. Just talk to her women to women no nasty words (though it might be hard) You will never have peace of mind if you don't. Most friendly relationships that partners have know each other's spouse and definitely don't talk that many times a day and especially that late at night. She may cover for him. You might have to listen in on their conversation. Or just forget it and leave him anyway on your own intuition.

grammadidi · Jul 6, 2007, 08:58 PM

You asked him. He gave you an excuse that you don't believe, but you aren't prepared to do anything about changing your relationship because you are in your 50's?? Sorry. I don't get it. So you phone her... what difference does it make? So you phone her husband... what does that accomplish? What exactly do you want to happen here?

Let's say that your husband said, "Yeah, we've been having an affair." What then? Would you do something about it? Would you seek counselling, leave him, kick him out?? I truly don't understand. If you make him angry or make her husband angry - what do you accomplish? He may leave, she may get her marriage together or her hubby may kick her a$$ out and your husband might move in with her. What do you want?

Do you want the affair (if there is one) to stop? Do you want him to leave? Do you want to leave? Do you want to improve your marriage? I think first you need to examine your motives THEN decide upon a plan of action. Personally, I'd be putting away every penny I could, paying off all bills in your own name, buying a new car, computer, clothes with his credit cards, making sure you knew exactly what all the assets were, speaking with a divorce lawyer and preparing for the big fall. I am telling you, I'd be a lot more upset about not understanding why he was cheating and lying to me than finding out he bought her an expensive gift.

Didi

TriciaG · Jul 6, 2007, 09:41 PM

Originally Posted by grammadidi

You asked him. He gave you an excuse that you don't believe, but you aren't prepared to do anything about changing your relationship because you are in your 50's??? Sorry. I don't get it. So you phone her... what difference does it make? So you phone her husband... what does that accomplish?? What exactly do you want to happen here?

Let's say that your husband said, "Yeah, we've been having an affair." What then? Would you do something about it? Would you seek counselling, leave him, kick him out??? I truly don't understand. If you make him angry or make her husband angry - what do you accomplish? He may leave, she may get her marriage together or her hubby may kick her a$$ out and your husband might move in with her. What do you want?

Do you want the affair (if there is one) to stop? Do you want him to leave? Do you want to leave? Do you want to improve your marriage? I think first you need to examine your motives THEN decide upon a plan of action. Personally, I'd be putting away every penny I could, paying off all bills in your own name, buying a new car, computer, clothes with his credit cards, making sure you knew exactly what all the assets were, speaking with a divorce lawyer and preparing for the big fall. I am telling you, I'd be a lot more upset about not understanding why he was cheating and lying to me than finding out he bought her an expensive gift.

Didi

Thank you Didi, you've given me a lot to think about.

self_lnflicted_hell · Jul 7, 2007, 07:31 AM

I don't have an answer for this but I do have to post on it just so I can get emails to come back... I need to know what happens here, it's all way too screwed up. Question for you though, how old is he and she? And, are you going to call her? I would.
What is happening to everyone?? What ever happened to the sacred marriage vows and even monogamy?? Nobody cares anymore... It's sad :(

bushg · Jul 7, 2007, 07:41 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

He would out on his a$$. Then he would have time to think about pissing me off, and if that didn't work half of everything would be mine, and he would still be on his A$$.

I agree. I want to give you a rep but can't . Tal A$$holes sometimes have to be dealt with like the A$$'S they are . They only thing differently I would do was make damn sure her husband knew. How dare he protect his *friend*. Lady stand up for yourself. *Edit* OK I went back up and read Didi"s post and Tricia, she is the voice of reason on this. She is right you need to calmly think about your options and you do need to prepare. It just makes me so damn angry when people try and take advantage of another person . Good Luck