[tmother42]

My son right out of high school enrolled in school to be an aircraft mechanic. For awhile everything was fine, until his cousin died of cancer. They were like brothers. Ever since his death, my son has changed. He mimicks my nephew ( his cousins) life. My nephew was 23 when he died. He was an airforce military policeman and was married with 2 small children. My son now has 2 sons and wants to join the airforce. After multiple suspensions, he has finally completed the aircraft mechanic program, but now finds every excuse to put off taking the test for his license. Financially he is struggling because he has a minimum wage job. Even though he could turn this around if he'd just get his license or even work in his field of study. I feel forced to help, because I won' t let my grandkids go without. All my son does is become more withdrawn and sleeps until it's time for work or stay out all night with friends. I 've had every kind of conversation with him, but nothing I say gets through to him.
He was made to feel like a failure and was humiliated dialy when he struggled through aviation school and is too embarrassed to go back to take his licensure tests. I feel like I'm losing my son. He isn't motivated to do anything. He won't wake up to even apply for jobs. I 'm leaning towards family therapy, but I'm far from rich and unsure if it'll be worth it. Advice please?

[Wondergirl]

Does your son live with you? Is his wife around? What does she think?

It sounds like your son has never worked through his cousin's death and is depressed.

There are counselors who do family therapy on a sliding scale. Start calling around to find out. There are grief support groups too.

More people will chime in to offer advice, so please check back now and then.

[tmother42]

My son went from being focused on school to "i want a family". Nothing I said could change his mind. Now after a failed relationship he has 2 babies and feels despondant about that not working. The same with the airforce. Each tribulation has pulled him further away from being whom I know him to be. I have considered my nephew death unfinished healing for him. I just can't reach him anymore.

[talaniman]

Where is his dad? What kind of social life does he have. What are his friends like? Who was humiliating him when he was trying to get through his mechanic courses? How old are his kids, and does he see them?

[Jake2008]

If the troubles he had getting through school are over, the excuse of not wanting to sit the exam doesn't wash. All the bad stuff is essentially over already.

I don't know what motivated him to have two children, and change career paths (which do seem like his cousin's life path). If for some reason, he has indeed taken on his cousins' life, and is failing at that as well, things could come to a head sooner rather than later.

He is essentially only getting to where his cousin left off, before he died.

Who's life is he going to lead now that the cousin is gone.

I would say that he needs some help. And, I would be involved with this, only to explain your theories that might explain at least some of his behavior. If he is living in a fantasy world, and the real world, at the same time, and not being successful in either one, it is time to have his life assessed.

[Zeaos01]

First, stop the enabling. Your job was to teach your son to take care of himself. You are destroying his ability to become independent, something that will handicap him for life. If you loved him you would stop being selfish and do the right thing; boot him out of the house.

[kishmish25]

OK, no vicious,
"Be a heartless #@*$ because that's so easy and you don't have the imagination to think of anything better but you can then lie to yourself that it was "tough" love instead of mental laziness and an inability to deal with emotional issues." advice.

We've got a world full of angry people just one damned semi-automatic away from making life hell for all of us so we may want to stop being so "tough" and come from a place of LOVE.

That's what you seem to be doing. You love your son, and you love his children. No one wants grand babies to starve or live harshly---no one decent anyhow, so of course you're going to try to make sure they don't suffer for your son's confusion.
Sometimes grandparents HAVE TO BE the saviors of their grandchildren so thumbs up to you for that. You're doing what needs to be done and they are lucky to have you there.

So let's see what steps you can take that might help things forward---

Is your nephew's widow around? The mother of his children? If you are on good terms do you think she might be willing to discuss her husband and the difficulties she's faced since his death with your son? If she knows what's happening maybe she can put in a good word to encourage your young man to get his license.
Maybe she can point out to him what it meant for her children to lose their father, and his presence in their life. Her husband didn't have a choice but to leave them.
Your son is voluntarily "leaving" his children by giving in to his depression and absenting himself from them through the sleeping and staying out all night.
It's painful and sad to lose your father to something no one can help but to lose him to his OWN self-indulgence (no matter how justified the cause) only leads to anger, and a total lack of respect for him and often for themselves, since children often blame themselves for a parent's seeming lack of interest.

Your son's aunt and uncle could also help by discussing things with your son---their pain, their loss and what they wish for your son to achieve since he is still here.
If he loved his cousin perhaps he should commit to continuing to do what his cousin would have done had he lived. Do what his cousin would ask him to do if only he could.
Focus on his work and family, be not only a good father to his own children but a good example to his cousin's children. If one musketeer is down it's still one for all. He is the musketeer who is left from their two man team. He must carry on and show what the team was made from.

There are also groups who help children who have lost a parent. Maybe if he becomes involved, even if you just ask him to go along with you to volunteer, he will see the gift of being here and able to relieve the pain of others, at the very least he will come face to face with it honestly and probably be compelled to face his own, but it will be in a compassionate and understanding atmosphere (and volunteering is free!)

From what you've said we KNOW he comes from a mother of courage, kindness and commitment to the well being of her family. Depression and fear that he cannot cope with life can be crippling. Maybe looking at it from the standpoint of keeping their partnership alive rather than endlessly worrying about money and testing and living through the day to day grind of life only to grow old, sick and eventually die he can find a way to still work side by side with his best friend.