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hdcook · Dec 28, 2006, 12:04 AM

HI,

I have ADD, Major Depression, and an anxiety disorder according to my doctors. I am in my late 20's and have had problems with depression and Anxiety since 4th grade as a can remember. I have hide it so well. My parents do not even know. I have tried to talk to them about it but they see it as a sign of weakness. I get the whole what is wrong with you. Act normal. Why can't you be more like so and so? People are going to think you are one of those. Well hear I am almost 29 and I haver missed out of so much now. I just started seeing a doctor 3 monthes ago and I see a theorpist also. I am just worried it is to late now. I mean I feel like I have ruin my life and I can't go back and fix. I never finsihed college because of my problems. It is not that I am mean or selfish. It is the opposite accord to my Doctor. I am too nice. I am so nice I have been bullyed all my life. To this day I still see the bullys and the cruel things they did to me. It has become part of my anxiety. I had a awesome girlfriend. I loved her very much and everything was great. She never knew of my problems but she left me, and said it was nothing I did it was just that she thought of me as her best friend. I never got mad at her or even argued. I was like her brother. She left me with the words you are just too nice. When I was with her my problems went away in the 8 monthes we were together. I was going to marry her and be happy and I was going to live. Now she is gone and with her so is my hope now. I just want the voices to stop. I want the hurting to stop. I just keep seeing dark images in my head. It is images they keep saying my time is drawing near. I do not know what to do. Hear it is 2am and I can't stop writing my thoughts down. I am not tired but I am in a lot of pain. My stomach is in knots and I feel like I am coming out of my skin. The doctor put me on Strattera. I am not sure for what. How do I make this stop? I want to be normal.

ordinaryguy · Dec 28, 2006, 06:13 AM

Hey man, I really feel for you. You have had a tough row to hoe, but I think you are on the right track by seeing a doctor and getting therapy. You just have to realize that the road to recovery is long and won't be smooth, so you need to have patience as you work through it. It may take some trial and error to find the meds that work for you, and that can be discouraging. That's one reason why you need to keep on with the talk therapy while you're doing it, so your doctor knows whether your meds are working or not. It kind of sounds like the one you're on now isn't working so well, so tell your therapist what your symptoms are.

It's really a shame that your family isn't more understanding and supportive, but you're an adult now and have to find your own way in spite of them. Don't give up. You've been dealing with this for a long time, I know, but three months of therapy is just barely getting started, so hang in there and don't get discouraged. Keep in touch here. There are lots of good folks here who understand better than I do what you're dealing with and I'm sure some of them will answer as well.

31pumpkin · Dec 28, 2006, 09:52 AM

hdcook-

Strattera is prescribed for ADHD. If you are wide awake at 2am, you need to tell your Dr.
Perhaps you haven't told the Dr. that you also suffer from depression & anxiety plus "hearing voices?" Your medication regime doesn't seem complete for your symptoms. If you are seeing both a psychologist for psychotherapy and a psychiatrist for psychotherapeutic medication (who gives the rx's) Then I think it would be in your best interest to mention to the psychiatrist your ongoing depression, hearing voices, & insomnia.
Depression plus the voices equal Major depression with psychotic features. If you are not on medication for this condition too, you need to look into it. There is a good medication out there that takes care of all 3 of the symptoms I mentioned. It is called Seroquel, & I highly recommend it. Very low on side effects.
Strattera itself can have insomnia as a side effect. Seroquel is excellent for insomnia.
I think if you can get the rest you need, you will feel better equipped both physically & mentally to tackle your problems.
29? Your still young. You can still go back to school & finish an education. There are people there that at least half are older than you are now. And imo there's no such thing as a person being too nice. Bullies? The best revenge is success.
I do wish you a good New Year & more!
RN.

hdcook · Dec 28, 2006, 08:26 PM

Originally Posted by hdcook

HI,

I have ADD, Major Depression, and an anxiety disorder according to my doctors. I am in my late 20's and have had problems with depression and Anxiety since 4th grade as a can remember. I have hide it so well. My parents do not even know. I have tried to talk to them about it but they see it as a sign of weakness. I get the whole what is wrong with you. Act normal. Why can't you be more like so and so? Peopel are going to think you are one of those. Well hear I am almost 29 and I haver missed out of so much now. I just started seeing a doctor 3 monthes ago and I see a theorpist also. I am just worried it is to late now. I mean I feel like I have ruin my life and I can't go back and fix. I never finsihed college because of my problems. It is not that I am mean or selfish. It is the oposite accord to my Doctor. I am too nice. I am so nice I have been bullyed all my life. To this day I still see the bullys and the cruel things they did to me. It has become part of my anxiety. I had a awesome girlfriend. I loved her very much and everything was great. She never knew of my problems but she left me, and said it was nothing I did it was just that she thought of me as her best friend. I never got mad at her or even argued. I was like her brother. She left me with the words you are just too nice. When I was with her my problems went away in the 8 monthes we were together. I was going to marry her and be happy and i was going to live. Now she is gone and with her so is my hope now. I just want the voices to stop. I want the hurting to stop. I just keep seeing dark images in my head. It is images they keep saying my time is drawing near. I do not know what to do. Hear it is 2am and I can't stop writing my thoughts down. I am not tired but I am in a lot of pain. My stomach is in knots and i feel like I am coming out of my skin. The doctor put me on Strattera. I am not sure for what. How do I make this stop? I want to be normal.

Thank you for your comments. I be fine. I am not sure what to say anymore. My thoughts are so meshed together. It is hard to explain.

tamed · Dec 29, 2006, 10:10 AM

I agree with 31pumpkin, you still have time to do and become anything your heart desires. For your thoughts, might I suggest that you buy a notepad and write them down as often as you can. Also find a hobby, something you enjoy doing and take a class in it. From my experience with people with ADD/ADHD they tend to become less anxious the more they do something they enjoy. Try to remember that most 29 yr olds don't know what they want to do in life so the fact that you want to make something of yourself is highly commendable. You are a SOLDIER, the fact that you've come this far by yourself with so many obstacles in your way leads me to believe that you can do so much more. Don't worry so much about your ex, there are plenty of women out there your age who would kill for a guy who is too nice so finding someone who will love you for who you are should not be too much of a problem. Keep up the therapy sessions, it is not too late. Bullies are sadly part of life but they also build character. By the way, being normal is overrated! Some of the most influential people in this world have always been different, for example, Bill Gates was 'the geek', Albert Eistein was 'eccentric', I could keep going...
There is a book called 'The Road Less Traveled', if you're bored one of these days you could try it.
Stay strong.

hdcook · Dec 29, 2006, 08:05 PM

Ya the doctor told me to get a hobby because I live by myself and I live alone. I went and got my hair cut today. I was sitting there in the chair and the girl asked me about the girl I was dating. I told her she left me and she ask why. I said no reason. Just because she thinks I am too nice and she want to start her whole life over again. The girl say oh I see. You are just too nice aren't you. I said yes ma'am. SHe said well you know nice guys finish last. I sat there and rolled my eyes and she went on about how bad boys are so attractive and named Jonny Depth. Perfect choice because my ex adores him. SHe is a big Pirates fan and even tried to get me to grew out some facial hair to look more like him. I have been sitting here to night and wondering what is it with bad boys does girls find attractive. Why do women return to guys who may not be physically abusive but are mentality and emotionally abusive. My girlfriend is somewhere out there rigth now with one I bet and she is having a great time and probably telling him stories about this super nice guy she dated and how unattractive he was and how sure he was so nice to me but I want my life to be like the movies where I can take a badboy and tame him. I actually right now can see that in my head and hear her vhoice as if she stood right next to me. I can even hear the people in the background at the place they are eating at. I can see her eyes. They are hazel by the way and how she is lauging at the fact she use to date me and once I was her one and only love and the one she said she loved me so much in bed that March night that she started to cry. It brought tears to my eyes because this was the one I thought God picked out for me. After all that suffering, it was over and this was the one I would spend my life with. And all of that became, just a joke she was tell the guy she is on a date with right now. It all became just something she could use in a conversation to describe her self to someone else who will more than likely be the one who will take my place. How do I feel about I can't describe? I just feel like I am being bullyed all over again. I just want to stand up for myself. I want to stand up to the bully. I want the bully to know how I feel. I want to release all this rage on him. I did nothing want except I trusted someone.

31pumpkin · Dec 29, 2006, 09:58 PM

hdcook-

From your latest post, I still say that you need a major tranquilizer added to the other medicine to help you relax & sort out your feelings. So try to discuss the medicines with your Dr.
When you say, "I want to stop the bully", I think you really should explore that statement with your therapist . I'm not qualified to discuss that with you (and certainly not over the internet)

It is good to be xtra nice. However, not if it means putting yourself last all the time & never getting anywhere . Not if it means that everyone takes advantage of you because you're a nice guy. We all must find a balance with that. And not let it get to the point that you get upset & maybe think you're being picked on.. Because you can control that yourself where it wouldn't be such a burden to you.

hdcook · Dec 29, 2006, 10:15 PM

He gave me something to help me sleep but he took me off it. I should explain what I mean when I call them bullies. Hey are people who walk all over me because I do not know how to stand up for myself. My theorpist even said that people can see it without me saying a word. That is not scars me the most. What scares me is that there is this little part of me that so to speak wants to fight my wars for me. He wants to get back at everyone who has pushed me around. Starting with my ex. You I think I need to let her now what she did to me and that she will not get away with it. I have been to nice too her and she has no reason to leave me like she did. She hurt me and it in a malice way. I want her to know this pain. I would never physically harm her or nothing but I love her to have the love I had for her and then lose it. I grew up in the country in West Texas and there is a old saying." if you chase a coon he will run from you but if you corner it and it has no where to go then that coon will to fight back with blood rage" I feel cornered. She cornered my emotions

31pumpkin · Dec 29, 2006, 10:53 PM

Well, I'll pray for you. I hope you don't do anything that would get you in trouble.
I think you need some time to heal. You've had your heart broken. You're better off feeling sorry for yourself than trying to be that coon under the bush. Because the coon in your story hasn't been chased ALL its life... like you. That's my advice hd.

hdcook · Dec 29, 2006, 11:10 PM

Well and this is the funny part, my theorpist banned me from dating. Can you believe that. Well more like promise. SHe actually doesn't want me to take any drugs at all and we are going to fix this one on one because she thinks we can do that. I talk to her about these things and she said what did you expect you have had these problems so long you thought nothing was wrong. Withour saying anything really after 5 minutes I said to her that I know I seem like I am in pieces and angry but I am really a nice guy and she said you maybe too nice. SHe could see the fact I have been walked on all my life wihtout me saying a word. She can read it on my face and in my eye contact or lack of. I haver not the ability to make eye contact. She says I do but it will take a while. She said really what I never to do is learn how to build myself up and to do that I can't date anyone because that would be a shirt term fix. I have to build myself up by myself.I just do not know how yet. She compared me an abused puppy that has been beaten since birth and when it got older it ran from people because it was scare of everyone even the nice people. Then she went on a said what do you think you look like I said not much and then she got one of the nurse down the hall to tell me what I looked like. She said I was attractive and in great shape. ALl these great things I just can't see yet. KInd of like someone who starves themselves but thinks they look like 300lbs in the mirrior even though they are 90lbs. I really do not know what tomorrow will being. IT is like walking in a thick fog on the road of life.

laydeenpurple · Dec 30, 2006, 01:41 AM

OMG! I too heard voices. I heard them coming out of our sons baby moniter. But I'm bipolar. It took me years to get diagnosed. All these years. From childhood on. I never knew what was wrong with me. I too was bullied. Pushed around. Made fun of. I never felt like I fit in. I never finished college either. When I went in to have my gallbladder out my anesthesiologist was a boy I went to school with. I used to play with his sister and his younger brother. He was a grade ahead of me. I'm like here he became a DR and what have I done with my life. NOTHING! I did get married and had one son. That's it. So I do have that to show. Most of it's blank. I saw things that weren't there. I heard things that weren't there. It took I don't know how many different kinds of meds to find the right combo to work. We'd try different ones for a month or so. Then go back and try something else. That got rather expenseive if DR didn't have samples. Plus some of them doped me up. Big time. I still have my days. With the holidays, I've kind of went into hiding. Haven't really talked to any one. I felt at the time like no one knew and understood how I felt. There are still days like that but they are getting fewer and farther in between. Counseling, when I can go, I have a nice therapist, but due to lack of car trouble, that has stopped me. Plus I pull the ol' I'll go later on trick still. Lol Therapy, talk therapy really does work and medicine together works. Do not stop or change meds without doctors orders. Do not mix and match either. Do not drink with meds either. All does get better. I'm living proof. Please take care and do know that other do care and have walked the same shoes.

tamed · Dec 30, 2006, 05:59 AM

The funny thing is that you are actually more normal than you think. Even without your mental health issues, anyone going through the same emotions that you are going through will react in this same way that you did, you've been hurt by someone you love it happens to almost everyone. You may be thinking that she has left you because of who you are but you need to realize that she left you because of who she is. You said yourself that she said she wanted a bad boy that she can change, that is her problem not yours and you will do well to remember that. The fact that you are imagining what she is doing, saying and where she is, well everybody does that at some point after a breakup the only difference is that you have a more active imagination and it may be easier if you put that skill into good use. Which reminds me, have you thought about writing a short story or poems? I have a feeling you'd be good at it. I do agree with the methods your therapist is using so I would advice you to stay with her, things may seem like they will never change or take too long but this is not the case, things will turn out for the better. I would also take your therapist's advice and get to know yourself a bit more, because you have hidden away in trying to be what you thought was normal, you no longer remember who you are which could also explain why you are too nice! You need to leave the bullies alone for a while though, they are not going anywhere, work on you. Put yourself first for a change and don't worry so much about what anyone else is doing. You'll be fine just find a hobby and do some writing, do something to show your therapist the next time you meet.

hdcook · Dec 30, 2006, 05:43 PM

Well one thing she pointed out to me is the difference between lon term and short term. Many people with mental disorders look for a short term answer to solve their problems. It could be sex/porn, Alcohol, drugs, and even dating. These with many other things are short term easy fixes. Then there is the long term solution. However, long term is just that long. It takes a while. You have to travel the narrow road. I noticed over on the relationship section of this site, most of the problems on there have to do with problems dealing with sex. It could be he is not getting the job done, or I am not getting enough or he is getting it somewhere else. That is because sex has been put on on top of everything else. It is the most important part of the relationship. YOu know what is the most important part. Character!! Both peoples Character is important. It is not who you pretend to be from the outside end(like personality), but it is who you are on the inside-out. It is knowing what is right first and doing what is right second. It is not what you have to do but what you choose to do. People can tell you who you are all your life but you are the only one who really knows. You and I have the front row seat to our lives.

P.S. Yes I could right stort stories and I have wrote poems. It helps me cope.

chuff · Jan 2, 2007, 08:45 PM

hdcook, I can't really add anything to the other great advice and comments you've received but I wanted to tell you that I moved when I was 14 and I never really adjusted because of it. Same thing, people teasing me, didn't fit in, lost all my old friends that I knew my whole life and really didn't know how to make new ones. I barely graduated high school. So you were not alone.

I wanted to share with you that I've been studying human behavior for the last couple months and I've developed some very good strategies for dealing with some past pain issues. First nobody is born with a manual to the human brain and if you overly emotional like I am those things can really stick and hurt. We just go along and learn by doing. While the brain picks up and links things as you live your life.

After we moved to Michigan and I couldn't make friends, I linked up that I wasn't worthy of friendship, I was a loser, and I didn't fit in. People said this after I moved and on top of the shock of being in a new place and different culture I just accepted it at some point or said in a different way I gave all those things meaning. I actually allowed people who didn't know me to define my life. E

Even when people were nice to me or attempted to connect with me I would sabatoge it by either pulling back all the way until they left me alone or going in the other extreme as you did being so nice that I would do anything even at my own expense. I did not even realize this until recently. I mean I traced this back 16 years to the very source of why I was so nice that I would allow myself to get walked on in situations that I had no business getting walked on. The truth is we all do this on some level whether it is Brad Pitt or you and I.

Well here it is years later and it still effects me and some of my behaviors. So what I have done is gone back and assigned new meanings to various situations where people sais things to me or even my own beliefs about life.

For example, if someone called me a loser and I believed it or accepted it I gave it the meaning that I was a loser. Well I've gone back and changed that meaning to "How could someone with no knowledge of me say such a thing about me. It is because they saw my VALUE and it scared them so they acted in the only way a true coward acts by using words where I use action."

I went for a couple of years without friends. None. And even though I can make friends easily as an adult, and am quite funny which draws a lot of people to me, I could never allow myself to get too close to people. Well I went back and change the meaning of I went for 2 years without friends so once people get to know me they won't like me to the new meaning of "God trusted me enough and believed I was strong enough to give me two years of freedom to learn, create, experiment, and challenge myself. Because of those years I've become a better person and a better friend today and will only get better as time goes on."

Do you see what I'm doing here. I'm basically taking all that pain that I created years ago and carried with me and giving it new meaning that empowers me. My new meanings strengthen me. My new meaning erase the pain. My new meanings motivate me because I know that I can overcome the most difficult of obstacles.

Hopefully you can take something from that. Try and change the meanings of what people said to you or some events in your life. Do this several times and when it starts to stick you'll feel really good about yourself, I've done it and it's worked for me.

laydeenpurple · Jan 3, 2007, 07:56 PM

You are right. It is long term. I have been at this for years now. One of my college teachers sat me down after my Dad died 20 years ago and "made" me go get help. I was in and out. It wasn't until after my Mom died 7 years ago that I finally realized I had a problem and I admitted to it. I went in search of help.

Let me tell you. It was not easy at first. The one insurance company my husband had at the time for mental health coverage was horrible. You had to call here, do this do that. Then I'd find a psychiarist that would take me but not a talk therapist in the same office. I'm like I'm depressed, getting out of our house is hard enough let alone dragging my sorry person all over town just to track you people down. I was in enough pain and depression and was crying as it was. By the time I got through all of this I was a nervous wreck. I mean here I am borderline suicidal and they put you through this. I could have ended it there if it weren't for my husband and child.

I had to try three different psychiatrist's to get to the right one. Then like I said, it has taken years of trying different combo's of meds to get a set that has worked. Who knows. I may build up a tolerance to these too. I mean, they work for a few months, then quit.

I had one of my spells over the holidays where I was up to 3am or so. Where I'm just up watching TV or on the computer. "Roaming" is what I call it. The holidays are still tuff. It's so busy and hectic. We try to limit the stress on me because we know what it does to me.

Just keep hanging in there. I got out tonight. I think that did me some good. I think that's really only been the second or third time or so since Christmas Eve. With the snow we finally got, I was housebound. Hang in there!

gogosean · May 7, 2007, 06:25 PM

Originally Posted by hdcook

HI,

I have ADD, Major Depression, and an anxiety disorder according to my doctors. I am in my late 20's and have had problems with depression and Anxiety since 4th grade as a can remember. I have hide it so well. My parents do not even know. I have tried to talk to them about it but they see it as a sign of weakness. I get the whole what is wrong with you. Act normal. Why can't you be more like so and so? Peopel are going to think you are one of those. Well hear I am almost 29 and I haver missed out of so much now. I just started seeing a doctor 3 monthes ago and I see a theorpist also. I am just worried it is to late now. I mean I feel like I have ruin my life and I can't go back and fix. I never finsihed college because of my problems. It is not that I am mean or selfish. It is the oposite accord to my Doctor. I am too nice. I am so nice I have been bullyed all my life. To this day I still see the bullys and the cruel things they did to me. It has become part of my anxiety. I had a awesome girlfriend. I loved her very much and everything was great. She never knew of my problems but she left me, and said it was nothing I did it was just that she thought of me as her best friend. I never got mad at her or even argued. I was like her brother. She left me with the words you are just too nice. When I was with her my problems went away in the 8 monthes we were together. I was going to marry her and be happy and i was going to live. Now she is gone and with her so is my hope now. I just want the voices to stop. I want the hurting to stop. I just keep seeing dark images in my head. It is images they keep saying my time is drawing near. I do not know what to do. Hear it is 2am and I can't stop writing my thoughts down. I am not tired but I am in a lot of pain. My stomach is in knots and i feel like I am coming out of my skin. The doctor put me on Strattera. I am not sure for what. How do I make this stop? I want to be normal.

I am not a doctor, but I have family experience with this. You must first get biochemically stable, even if that means hospitalization. People who hear voices often feel persecuted and have anxiety problems. There are medications that will help with psychotic symptoms and that will help with anxiety. Having these thing happen, even for adults who experience them for the first time, can be profoundly traumatic. Once you are biochemically stabilized, you will get more leverage out of therapy. I don't know what it means to be "too nice", but try and find a group, ranging from a spiritual outlet to some hobby activity. You will find that the more you socialize, the more you may begin to understand social norms and mores surrounding "too nice". I think it's tragic that the term even exists. Finally, if you are not getting biochemically stable, get a second, third, and fourth opinion. Don't give up.