[annalouise57]

Hi, I'm a 21 year old single mother to a beautiful 2 year old little boy. Me and his dad split up about 9 month ago and I have been really flexible with allowing him to see his son. The visits got less and less and he now sees him once a week (his choice). There has never been any structure with regards to regular times and days and basically he sees him when it suits him. A few days ago I was stuck for a sitter as I had to start work at 7am and asked his dad if he could watch him for me to which he replied ''not a chance, its my free night and I don't know where I will end up'' I thought this was disgusting as he had not seen him at all that week and I never ask him for help. I had helped his dad out on so many occasions when he's had no money or no where to stay and I was really upset by this. I then decided that I needed to see a solicitor (not to be malicious)but to get some structure and stability to my sons life and to stop his dad picking and chosing whens best for himself. I then got a phonecall (which I recorded) telling me I am a poisonous ***** and every mental health problem he has had has been down to me and it was all my fault (he has suffered from depression since he was 12). He was paying me 30 pound a week to support his child which he has now, without informing me, cut down to 20 pound a week. When I realised I asked him to put it back up to 30 as it costs a lot to keep a 2 year old. He told me he knows I'm 'pissing his money up the wall' and it does not go towards our son! He said he will put it back up to 30 pound if I start dropping our son off instead of him having to pick him up once a week as he can't afford the petrol. I don't drive, he does! He works full time and I don't understand why this is such a problem. I'm so frustrated! I just wanted some feedback as to whether I am in the wrong and if not then how can I make him understand his behaviour is out of order? Thank you :) x

[DoulaLC]

Hi annalouise57,

Judging from this post and your first one awhile back https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rt-614705.html it sounds as though you are dealing with nothing more than a maturity issue. He wants to have his freedom and not be bothered with having the responsibility of being with his son... unless it is convenient and he can work it into his schedule.

You are certainly doing the right thing in getting the visitation and support set by the courts. Then it is out of your hands... it is not you that is making the decisions of what should or shouldn't be paid or when he should see him. These are two areas that will cause you nothing but trouble if you try to sort it out on your own... as you have already seen. Of course your ex is angry because now he will be held accountable and it won't always be on his terms. You could simply tell him that whatever he may think, this is for your son and your son's welfare has to come first and that you would have thought he would think the same way since you are sure he would want his son well taken care of.

I don't think you can make him understand that his behaviour is out of order. He will have to grow up more and realise that for himself. Hopefully it will happen before too much longer; before your son really starts to pick up on his father's feelings.

At two, your son is already going to be noticing more than perhaps you realise, so be very careful not to badmouth his father or get into a row with him in front of your son. Simply refuse to get drawn into it with him. Take the high road and keep it civil. It won't always be easy, as you will be frustrated, angry, and hurt at times, but it will benefit your son in the long run.

Try to gain support for you and your son from family and friends. If possible, maybe see if there is a group of young mothers and children that meet up in your area. They can be great sources of support and understanding.

[Fr_Chuck]

Most likely he knows when it goes to court he will be required to pay a lot more than 30 pounds and he is trying to stop you from getting a court order. Also this way, he is more in control.

[annalouise57]

Been to see a solicitor today and I earn 20 pound too much to be able to get legal aid and therefore can not afford a solicitor... boo! Any suggestions as to what to do now? So frustrated... x

[smoothy]

I assume you live in England from the terms you use. Perhaps someone from there will have some ideas.

[DoulaLC]

Have you tried CSA for suggestions? They can counsel you as to what your options might be. Here are two sites that you might find helpful:

The CSA and Obtaining Child Maintenance - Child Custody Help | Child Custody Help

CSA Advice and legal help Child Support Agency child support solutions CSA Homepage Child Support Agency www.csa.gov.uk

You could also speak to friends and family about recommendations, and perhaps monetary support so that you can obtain the information that is necessary regarding visitation and child support.

[annalouise57]

Thanks so much DoulaLC! I really appreciate your help! X