[Oneoffew]

Hello, I am an 18 year old college student who goes to a pretty large university and I apologize in advance for the long post, but I think this needs explained clearly for the best help. I have moved around several times in my life. I am the youngest of 4 children with a single mother. My parents split up when I was two and I moved around a lot between them. We were always low on money, and never really had nice things. My father physically abused me and my siblings until I was 8, and he died when I was 9. I was also picked on by my siblings my whole life. I behaved badly until I was about 11 years old, and let my emotions get the best of me. Both of my parents were into drugs until around the time my father died, although I didn't know about this until I was older. I have lived a pretty rough life, but by doing so I have gained the advantage of emotionally strong. But this has also been a bit of a down fall of mine.

Although I believe I did have a bit of a rough upbringing, I still managed to become a decent person in my eyes. I made it through high school in the top 10% of my class. I rarely got into trouble after junior high, and I was highly liked by most of my teachers. I have a pretty good sense of humor, but I lack social grace. I try to treat everyone with respect and I sometimes overcompensate for my lack of social grace. I am a bit overweight and I am not the best looking person. I was made fun of a lot in school because of my weight and my social awkwardness. With my family I have a feeling of contempt because of all the grief and stress they have caused me.

My problem however is that I put out an emotional wall and rarely express my emotions externally. Whenever I run into a problem, I don't tell anyone about it because of fear that they will use it against me. I analyze it myself and try to do the right thing. I rarely ever take social risks (i.e. telling someone I like them), and I have trouble expressing my emotions to anyone else. I have also never truly been happy, I have always worried about the needs of my friends and family, and tried to put their problems and happiness before mine, which has resulted in me ignoring my own problems.

I decided to go away for college to a state university that I cannot really afford. I am borrowing a lot of money to go to this school, and I basically have to pay for it by myself. But, I am for the first time ever in my life beginning to feel true happiness in my life. I love it, it feels wonderful, but it also feels odd at the same time. College is probably the best thing that has ever happened for me. Sure there are problems, but for the first time, I don't have all the problems and the feeling of contempt for my family. I have friends who like me for who I am, and who genuinely care about me.

But this is all new to me, I don't know the feeling of being happy, and it almost makes me feel guilty because I know my mother is going through a rough time. I feel like I should be there to help her out. I told her my feelings, and she told me I have to stay at college. She has worked hard these last 10 years to make something of herself, and has done an amazing job in the circumstances she was put in. Realistically, I don't want to go back home, but I feel as though I need to. I have visited once since I have been at college, and I hated every second of it.

I will admit I am a bit of a control freak, so something unknown like happiness scares me a bit, which is another reason I believe I want to go back home next semester. At college, I am trying to take more risks, but I feel as though I am dropping back into the same habits that made me unhappy and depressed in my old life.

I guess what I am asking is, how do I become a more well-rounded person? How do I drop my inhibitions and emotional walls, and try new things and actually engage the things that actually make me happy? I give people advice about this stuff all the in real life, but I can't seem to take my own advice. How do I apply it to myself?

[TexasParent]

Without going into a lot of detail or confusing the issue for you I will stick to one method improving your social skills.

You said that you rarely take risks; I can understand that with your upbringing. The trick as it were is to practice taking risks with people you don't know where rejection of any sort will have a minimum impact. You could try talking to people in a line, holding doors for strangers, strike up a conversation with a stranger at a coffee shop, etc.

The key of course is to believe that you have something to offer; you are unique person and gift you offer is yourself and even your willingness to engage in conversation with someone just might make their day (who knows they could be feeling sad and lonely).

I could go on about what you could do about changing yourself, loving yourself more and the rest will fall into place, but I think the above mentioned practical advice is a good start.

Think of the things you would like to accomplish socially and practice them in an environment where it may be only a little alkward for you. Another tip is, your feelings of alkwardness are self-centered, if you were to concentrate on the well being of others and giving then your social interaction won't be about you, but what you can give to the situation. You could try volunteering and helping people, this would help socially and get you out of the how this situation affects ME or how it makes ME feel.

If you project internally and have genuine caring when speaking with others, it surely shouldn't matter whether they accept the gift that is you, because your gift should be unconditional. If they do accept it's a bonus, if they don't that's OK because people are at different stages in their life and what you have to offer just doesn't fit at the moment.

I hope this makes sense to you, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

[Oneoffew]

Think of the things you would like to accomplish socially and practice them in an environment where it may be only a little alkward for you. Another tip is, your feelings of alkwardness are self-centered, if you were to concentrate on the well being of others and giving then your social interaction won't be about you, but what you can give to the situation. You could try volunteering and helping people, this would help socially and get you out of the how this situation affects ME or how it makes ME feel.

If you project internally and have genuine caring when speaking with others, it surely shouldn't matter whether they accept the gift that is you, because your gift should be unconditional. If they do accept it's a bonus, if they don't that's ok because people are at different stages in their life and what you have to offer just doesn't fit at the moment.

I have done those things, however my biggest problem is that I care too much for others, and I do put the needs of others before me. I believe this is the main reason why I am unhappy as I am. I have sacrificed my personal well-being and happiness for others to be happy, isn't it fair that I should want a little bit of happiness as well? It is said by most that everyone has the right to be happy, well it appears to me as though I don't have that right.

[TexasParent]

I have done those things, however my biggest problem is that I care to much for others, and I do put the needs of others before me. I believe this is the main reason why I am unhappy as I am. I have sacrificed my personal well-being and happiness for others to be happy, isn't it fair that I should want a little bit of happiness as well? It is said by most that everyone has the right to be happy, well it appears to me as though I don't have that right.

Your social akwardness (overanalytical, cold) likely stems from wanting to be safe, not getting to close to others, you need to be in control and no matter how nice you are to others it is on your terms; it's called being in control.

I would recommend a book called Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie: Melody Beattie -- The Library -- 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact It's been out for many years, you can probably get it from the library.

[Oneoffew]

Your social akwardness (overanalytical, cold) likely stems from wanting to be safe, not getting to close to others, you need to be in control and no matter how nice you are to others it is on your terms; it's called being in control.

I would recommend a book called Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie: Melody Beattie -- The Library -- 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact It's been out for many years, you can probably get it from the library.

Okay, thank you for the suggestion, I will be sure to check it out.

You are right in that I have trouble opening up to others, although I when I do I seem to put their needs before mine, perhaps I should have went in more depth about that. Anytime anything looks to be going good for me, something seems to me happen that is bad. I love being close to people, but sometimes my awkwardness seems to trump that. I don't know how to handle close relationships or how to be happy, because it is something new to me.

[TexasParent]

Okay, thank you for the suggestion, I will be sure to check it out.

You are right in that I have trouble opening up to others, although I when I do I seem to put their needs before mine, perhaps I should have went in more depth about that. Anytime anything looks to be going good for me, something seems to me happen that is bad. I love being close to people, but sometimes my awkwardness seems to trump that. I don't know how to handle close relationships or how to be happy, because it is something new to me.

Do you have any heavy drinking in your family; Parents, Grandparents, etc? The reason I ask is that you may have learned your Caretaker behavior from within your family somewhere and it's common where in families that have a member down the line somewhere that was a drinker.

Oh... I reread your original post, you've experience some trauma through your Dad's abuse and his death, this caretaker behavior could be attributed to that.

I think the book I recommended addresses caretaker behaviors.

[Oneoffew]

Do you have any heavy drinking in your family; Parents, Grandparents, etc? The reason I ask is that you may have learned your Caretaker behavior from within your family somewhere and it's common where in families that have a member down the line somewhere that was a drinker.

Oh...I reread your original post, you've experience some trauma through your Dad's abuse and his death, this caretaker behavior could be attributed to that.

I think the book I recommended addresses caretaker behaviors.

Yes actually, I am the only one in my family who does not drink alcohol. How the heck did you know that? I am the also the bearer of responsibility for my family, or at least from my point of view I am.

[TexasParent]

Yes actually, I am the only one in my family who does not drink alcohol. How the heck did you know that? I am the also the bearer of responsibility for my family, or at least from my point of view I am.

My mother was an alcoholic and I've dealt with and overcome some of the issues you're dealing with, I noticed a pattern. I spent a few years attending what is the equivalent of a 12 step group which primarily dealt with issues of co-dependency. I've been to a number of AA meetings as a guest (not a member) and know from being there what behaviors show up in the Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Again, pick up the book, it's a decent starting point. I warn you though, look at it as a new skill and don't let your self-esteem suffer from any new awareness's you might learn.

[Oneoffew]

My mother was an alcoholic and I've dealt with and overcome some of the issues you're dealing with, I noticed a pattern. I spent a few years attending what is the equivalent of a 12 step group which primarily dealt with issues of co-dependency. I've been to a number of AA meetings as a guest (not a member) and know from being there what behaviors show up in the Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Again, pick up the book, it's a decent starting point. I warn you though, look at it as a new skill and don't let your self-esteem suffer from any new awareness's you might learn.

Thank you very much. It must be a good start, thank you very much for the help. And I will try my best not too.

[SweetDee]

TexasParent had a good idea to pick up a book, as in a self help situation.

On that lead, go to a book store. Grab a coffee and spend the afternoon reading self help books that pertain to your feelings. There are so many people in this world that suffer from the same kind of sabotage.

You lean on the happiness of others because it helps you defer to anyone other than YOU. It's always so much easier to help others. Why do you think that is? Clearly it's to prevent you from looking inward.

Do NOT go home. You have an opportunity for happiness now... tickle it. Let yourself be drawn in and just know that you will make mistakes... but thankfully w/ your intelligence you will learn from your boo-boos, lol.

You HAVE had such a rough up bringing. You can own that and accept it BUT you cannot let that define who you want to be. You TODAY get to choose who you are and how you want to feel.

Sometimes we have to live in the moment within the very seconds of our lives in order to be able to move forward in a positive way for our own well being. Most people refer to that as "taking baby steps", but what I am trying to relate to you is that IN THE MOMENT of those very steps you need to WAKE UP and be IN it... not just watching. That is the essence of moving forward and choosing you and your happiness. You have to BEGIN...

It's hard to go into all the details of claiming your happiness over this thread.

My father and 3 brothers are all therapists. My dad is a well known one across Canada. If you want to contact me privately I would be so thrilled to offer you as much advice as you need.

We all have our struggles in this life. It's what we do about it that defines who we end up becoming.

And isn't it really a life's journey to find our happiness? We find it in so many scenarios around us... keeping it is the trick.

Honestly, for some people it's harder to acquire and maintain. Let's talk some more... I know this can be put to rest.

[Oneoffew]

Texasparent I just wanted to thank you for giving me the advice to get that book. I am about half way through it, and I can already tell it was the best book I could have gotten.

My father and 3 brothers are all therapists. My dad is a well known one across Canada. If you want to contact me privately I would be so thrilled to offer you as much advice as you need.

We all have our struggles in this life. It's what we do about it that defines who we end up becoming.

And isn't it really a life's journey to find our happiness? We find it in so many scenarios around us...keeping it is the trick.

Honestly, for some people it's harder to aquire and maintain. Let's talk some more...I know this can be put to rest.

I am thinking this may be a good idea.

[TexasParent]

You are most welcome; remember the skills you learned growing up in your family can be assets once you can identify them and use them appropriately rather than in a self-defeating way.

Also, remember to be patient; it took many years to develop behavioral patterns that at times may not be in your best interest. However, I am confident that in far less time you will put some of your new awareness into action and slowly grow into the person you can imagine yourself to be.

As for SweetDee's post, I would definitely take her up on the offer.

Just remember this about advice; take what you like and leave the rest. It means, use or apply what you can at this time, if it feels to uncomfortable just wait until you are ready.

Also, you may have a period when you feel like you are falling apart because of these new awareness, when that time comes; just feel what you need to feel. Whether that is grief (could be about changing your own identity, or your past), anger, etc. allow yourself to feel it in a non-destructive way and remember. You aren't falling apart, you are falling together.

I you need more input, I will keep an I on this thread or PM me.

Good luck and God Bless.