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Leila100 · Feb 7, 2007, 03:13 PM

I am a 52 year old lady living in Europe. 3 months ago I met a 55 year old man from Italy on a chat on the Internet, the kind of chat where you look for a partner. This Italian told me he was not married, but later he admitted that he was. But then I was already deeply in love with him, and as it feels now, it's impossible to leave him. He gives me money, cries, begs for my love, is totally sweet and so on, but because of religion and culture he is unable to leave his wife. I know I should leave him, but how can I find the strength to do it? I have been alone for 9 years after my husband left me, and I know much about the loneliness that will overcome me if I leave this man. What should I do?

Leila

Thank you all for answering me. Yes, I guess you are all right about this. I have denied to take his money, but he insists that he will buy tickets for me to meet him different places in Europe so that we can be together and see places together. He says he has never loved his wife, he only married her to get over a young girl who left him in his youth, about 28 years ago. The money he did give me was about 1000 dollars neatly packed as a farewell present when he left this country because his job here ended. He is a very rich man, he has several houses and lives with his family in the best district of a major city in Italy. I didn't know it was money inside the present until he was gone. That was two weeks ago. He was crying when he gave it to me, and begged me not to be angry with him for giving this present to me, he did it only out of love, he said. Then he said I was not to open it until after he had left. I have been wondering since that day why he would give me this money when I had told him I didn't need money from him. I am not a poor person. But I thought that he could not think of anything else to give, I don't know. Do you really think he gave it to me because he considers me some kind of whore?

Leila

Do you all think that a man who cheats on his wife is bad and selfish? Several people live in loveless marriages that they are unable to get out of because of religion and culture, and they often solve the situation by finding someone to love without ruining their children's life by devorce. I am not interested in destroying his marriage at all. I don't need a husband, I already have the children I want, I'm not young any more. I just want someone to love and who cares a little for me. I am clean, have no illnesses, I have checked that. So I will not be the cause of contamination in any way for his wife. He is happier now that he has found someone to feel something for, I can clearly see that he really has feelings for me other than just sex. I don't want his money, none of it. I have told him and he knows it. But he feels the need to give me presents and care for me in all ways that he is able to. At the same time he takes care of his family and does what is expected of him as good as he can. I am not an easy woman, I didn't have sexual relations with him for over two months after I met him. I have lived alone for 9 years since my ex took off, and this is my first love affair in all that time. I'm telling you this to give you an understanding of how serious I feel about him. At the same time I don't feel good about this because I was brought up to think otherwise. That is why I'm asking your advice.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 7, 2007, 03:34 PM

Yes you should leave him, in American women who take money to be with men are not considered a good thing.

So you are alone, go find a single man. Or join a community group and do activities

J_9 · Feb 7, 2007, 03:38 PM

Oh, Leila I am so sorry for the position you are in.

I apologize if you find my answer blunt, but I was cheated on, I was your man's wife so to speak. Also, my father cheated on my mother in this fashion.

If you don't stop this now you both are terrible terrible people.

He gives you money and you gladly accept it. That money could be going to his wife, his children, his grandchildren. You are accepting tainted money. Does that not make you feel guilty that you are hurting his wife and his children and his grandchildren?

He begs for your love because he wants his cake and to eat it too.

Let me ask you how bad it hurt when your husband left you. Do you have any children? Did it hurt them? I am sure it did. But you are now leaving the door open for another woman to hurt and children and possibly grandchildren to be hurt.

You are in Europe, you did not say where, but I assume you aren't in Italy with him? Easy, block him. Don't respond. I know easier said than done. But if you consider the number of lives you are ruining by staying with him, then it should be easier. If you can't do that, then the ruination of many will be on your conscience for a long long time.

Taukame · Feb 7, 2007, 03:42 PM

I think there was a post somewhere here about things to do so you don't go back to your ex or what to do after you have broken up with someone. I didn't post on it but one of the things you can do is the help somebody who is needy. It gets your mind of what's going on with you because you start to be concerned with other people. The elderly are the best. They appreciate the company, and they have a wealth of life experiences. I have found that they have forgotten more things then I have ever done. But no matter what it is you like to do, just do it!!

shygrneyzs · Feb 7, 2007, 04:28 PM

There is a big difference between "can't leave him" and "do not want to leave him". Which one is it with you? He says he unable to leave his wife - chances are you are not the first, nor will be the last affair this man has. Men AND women say that ALL the time - the exuse about not being to leave. He does not want his dirty laundry aired and perhaps lose everything he has. Then he can come to stay with you and you can support him, while he goes out and cheats on you! Doesn't that sound lovely?

The lonliness you state you would have - yes, I can understand lonliness but there are healthy and positive ways to fulfill one's life without committing adultery. Volunteer with a non-profit, act as a mentor to a child, get involved in your community and meet single men, etc.

Unless you want a life of sadness with this man, because he will never be totally yours, just keep on sneaking around with him. I guess only you can decide what is your breaking point. But I hope you decide quickly.

shygrneyzs · Feb 7, 2007, 04:32 PM

I think this is the previous post Taukame was talking about:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ter+a+break+up

shygrneyzs · Feb 8, 2007, 02:19 PM

I do feel badly that you are caught up in this relationship. I truly hope you find that strength to leave that selfish man.

deborahfriday · Feb 8, 2007, 04:09 PM

Originally Posted by Leila100

I am a 52 year old lady living in Europe. 3 months ago I met a 55 year old man from Italy on a chat on the Internet, the kind of chat where you look for a partner. This Italian told me he was not married, but later he admitted that he was. But then I was already deeply in love with him, and as it feels now, it's impossible to leave him. He gives me money, cries, begs for my love, is totally sweet and so on, but because of religion and culture he is unable to leave his wife. I know I should leave him, but how can I find the strength to do it? I have been alone for 9 years after my husband left me, and I know much about the loneliness that will overcome me if I leave this man. What should I do?

Leila

Thank you all for answering me. Yes, I guess you are all right about this. I have denied to take his money, but he insists that he will buy tickets for me to meet him different places in Europe so that we can be together and see places together. He says he has never loved his wife, he only married her to get over a young girl who left him in his youth, about 28 years ago. The money he did give me was about 1000 dollars neatly packed as a farewell present when he left this country because his job here ended. He is a very rich man, he has several houses and lives with his family in the best district of a major city in Italy. I didn't know it was money inside the present until he was gone. That was two weeks ago. He was crying when he gave it to me, and begged me not to be angry with him for giving this present to me, he did it only out of love, he said. Then he said I was not to open it until after he had left. I have been wondering since that day why he would give me this money when I had told him I didn't need money from him. I am not a poor person. But I thought that he could not think of anything else to give, I don't know. Do you really think he gave it to me because he considers me some kind of whore?

Leila

Do you all think that a man who cheats on his wife is bad and selfish? Several people live in loveless marriages that they are unable to get out of because of religion and culture, and they often solve the situation by finding someone to love without ruining their children's life by devorce. I am not interested in destroying his marriage at all. I don't need a husband, I already have the children I want, I'm not young any more. I just want someone to love and who cares a little for me. I am clean, have no illnesses, I have checked that. So I will not be the cause of contamination in any way for his wife. He is happier now that he has found someone to feel something for, I can clearly see that he really has feelings for me other than just sex. I don't want his money, none of it. I have told him and he knows it. But he feels the need to give me presents and care for me in all ways that he is able to. At the same time he takes care of his family and does what is expected of him as good as he can. I am not an easy woman, I didn't have sexual relations with him for over two months after I met him. I have lived alone for 9 years since my ex took off, and this is my first love affair in all that time. I'm telling you this to give you an understanding of how serious I feel about him. At the same time I don't feel good about this because I was brought up to think otherwise. That is why I'm asking your advice.

HEllo, Dearie,
Just this afternoon, out of the blue, I imagined myself having a conversation with someone who inquired about having a relationship with a married man. So, for that reason, I want to share with you what words came through me on the subject.

I know from experience the thrill of falling in love with a married man. I was in love with one for 7 years. I worked for him, in fact. He is kind and good, and in fact would never take the final "plunge", out of respect and love for his wife. It is just that he connected more deeply with me than he ever had with anyone, and I with him. I was married at the time, but divorced during our relationship, and lived alone. This move on my part was not because of my relationship with this man, but because my marriage was dead.

I can tell you this. After 7 years, I moved away, to another state, in part because of this relationship. I still love him, and he, me. But the relationship was never fair to me. So many times I would say "lets go out to dinner tonight". He would just look down and say nothing, because his wife always had dinner on the table for him. When I needed something done around the house, I could not call him. When I was lonely, or troubled, I could not call him, or at least, he could not respond by coming over to help or comfort me.
I could never announce to my friends or to the world that I was in love. It had to be kept secret. There was never any public acknowledgement or celebration of this love.

After years of this, I can tell you that it gets very old. I would rather be alone than to have a love that sparks desire that can only be doled out in small parcels, and all around the interests of another woman.
Good Luck

ladygirl · Jan 16, 2008, 12:05 AM

Could you please help me?

I am in the same situation as perhaps lots of other women. I am in love with the married man. He is my doctor. I know he has a wife and 2 children. With my mind I understand I should forget him, but I cannot. Every time I see him my heart beats terrribly and I dream of him evEry minute of my life. I think I would be the happiest woman in the world, if I could be with him. I even confessed to him my love. Can you help me?

ayashe · Jan 17, 2008, 08:25 PM

If he really loved you like he says, religion and culture would not stop him from leaving his "loveless marriage"... to be with the girl of his dreams. You meet him in a chat room where he was actively seeking out other women? And you seriously think you're the only "other woman" in his life? Why would you settle for being second best? Or third best? Who knows how many women this rich man has on the side.

mustard_seed · Aug 11, 2008, 06:08 PM

Even at 52, don't you understand that this man is a looser AND a cheat? He will take all he can from you; pride, a caring heart, your time... When men look outside the relationship they are already in to start a new one, they are selfish. If he had any knowledge of love, he would finish what he has started at home FIRST. Some people (men and women) are afraid to be alone. They do not know how to care for themselves and often have no idea of who they are themselves. He may be looking for a woman to validate him--something only he can do for himself but does not know that. It is not your job to waste time on someone who is broken. He will pull you into the same hole he has dug for himself. Find a man who has a positive spirit who has something to SHARE WITH YOU, who does not need babysitting services. He is still in diapers--don't wipe his behind. Allow him to poop on his own and clean up his own mess.