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DESPRATE · Oct 5, 2012, 09:34 AM

Hi, I have been with my partner for 7 years, we are in love. He used to always argue with me as I was not divorced from my spouse, but my spouse and I were separated. I did not divorce as I was in an abusive marriage, have 2 kids, needed financial security and was scared.

Now I have taken the step and I have filed for the divorce. My partner of 7 years now tells me that he cannot be with me as he does not want to make his parents unhappy as they are old and he has realised that my kids need both their parents. I am failing to understand the logic here. I really love him and I am aware he loves me too. I really don't want to lose him.

When I call him, he says that he wants to be with me but we are hurting too many people. He says if god wills it we will be together. He says that I must not keep in contact with him as he is also hurting. What do I do? I don't want to lose him. Please help.

DESPRATE

Sam66 · Oct 5, 2012, 12:00 PM

He sounds insane! What kind of nonsense is this? My dad got with my mum who had two children from a previous marriage. My dad insisted they have a baby together and my mum said no so he left her. Eventually my mum gave in got back with him and had me. When I was a baby, he left her claiming that his family didn't approve and that it was wrong to have a child with a woman who already had children.

Both similar stories sound like really silly excuses for men who are afraid of commitment, and definitely in my dad's case, too selfish to stand by his responsibilities. I know it's been 7 years but maybe he's worried that now you're single, he'll have to marry you. If his parents don't approve, then why hasn't this mattered for the last 7 years. Are they even aware he's been with you. Is he not a grown man who makes his own choices in life?

Nope, I'm convinced he's talking nonsense and the reason is like I said, commitment or something as equally pathetic, or he'd be honest about it. Maybe ask him if it's because he thinks he'll have to marry and support you now. Anyway, if he doesn't want to be with you, whatever the reason, he doesn't want to be with you. I'm sorry to say this.

joypulv · Oct 5, 2012, 01:45 PM

He's not insane; he's just not telling you the truth. I suspect that a lot of it concerns financial responsibility for the kids. I assume that you are getting child support from your husband? Will you get a lump settlement in the divorce, or is he too broke for that? Does he own a house, any assets?
It's all about money honey.

Sam66 · Oct 5, 2012, 03:23 PM

I don't know anything about child support. Is this America you're talking about? If it'll fall on him to support the kids, then yeah, money may very well be it!

joypulv · Oct 5, 2012, 03:47 PM

Sam66, I didn't mean to sound like I was contradicting you. Just adding to the mix. Your story is relevant and a good one, and I could be way off base.

Sam66 · Oct 5, 2012, 03:48 PM

Oh, no that's okay. When I read your post I thought you probably hit the nail on the head!

talaniman · Oct 5, 2012, 04:14 PM

You were a very safe lover as long as you were legally married and could not have a far reaching commitment. As a single woman, he may be afraid its time for him to put up, or shut up. It's a change from what he is use too. The logic is his free ride is over isn't it and that he wants no future with you and your kids.

Sorry but he is taking the easy way out and that's not love. Its convenience.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 5, 2012, 06:57 PM

This is actually very common, a Lover is just that, a lover, no commitment no requirements, now you will expect him to be more, something he never really planned on.

DESPRATE · Oct 6, 2012, 06:58 AM

Hi, thank you all for your thoughts. You maybe right joypuly, he did have a problem at work and says that he was forced to resign. So this means that he is probably in a financial crisis. I am from South Africa, my ex is caring financially for my kids and I have a very secure position at work. So in regards to finance from my side There is no issues. I will not be dependent upon him. I did even say to him that I am willing to look after him until he finds himself a job. He keeps saying that I don't understand, and he promised to speak to his parents as to how much he loves me and wants to be with me. But they are aware about us. At times if I get persistent on the phone he says that I strung him along in this relationship for 7 years, and that is why we are in this position, he says that he thinks about those years and why did I not walk out then. To top up,I am pregnant, with twins, and they are his babies. I can look after them by myself, but I feel I need him the most now. I can't seem to understand why he is doing all this when it is suppose to be the happiest time of our lives. I am very confused.

Sam66 · Oct 6, 2012, 07:04 AM

Woah! Doing this while you're pregnant is awful. I really hope it works out for you. Look, I've mentioned my mum already. She's been separated from her husband but not divorced for 35 years. What's the point unless you want to get married again? Divorce is expensive, and very hard if you have to go back and deal with nasty people. It's dragging up the past in a way.

JudyKayTee · Oct 6, 2012, 07:21 AM

Originally Posted by Sam66

Woah! Doing this while you're pregnant is awful. I really hope it works out for you. Look, I've mentioned my mum already. She's been separated from her husband but not divorced for 35 years. What's the point unless you want to get married again? Divorce is expensive, and very hard if you have to go back and deal with nasty people. It's dragging up the past in a way.

Personally, I see no advantage to being married but separated. I would not be able to go on with my life, dating, whatever, while still legally tied to someone else.

In the US there are still legal ramifications, even though you are separated, laws change, by the time you get to Court for a divorce an old separation agreement may no longer conform to the law.

I just don't think this is a good idea. The expense in the US is the preparing of the separation agreement, the documents involved, not the divorce.

I don't think, in this case, that the man is "insane." I think that's flippant. I think he's got the best of both worlds and is looking for an excuse. This is the classic, "I love you but - " line.

DESPRATE · Oct 6, 2012, 07:48 AM

I still want to believe that things will work out, he always says give him time, if God wills it we will be together. My fear is that I went through 4 miscarriages before, and with all the stress this time round I don't know if I am strong enough to cope. My divorce with my ex is nearly being finalised. My partner did say that he was afraid as he could be sued for interference in the marriage. About 3 weeks back I forcefully went to his home to tell him that I am pregnant, my ex took me there as the weather was very bad.My partner refused to listen to what I wanted to say, and in a rage I picked up a chair and kind of hit him. He than put up a protection order against me. But he immediately called my friend to tell her that it was not intended for me but for my ex instead. And he wanted my ex to think there is nothing going on between us. I mean really, is he playing games or what? Initially he thought my kids will not accept him, but my daughter went up to him a week ago and told him that she is prepared to take him as their dad. He is 37 years old, and to be afraid of his parents at this age is beyond me. Previously if I threatened to call off the relationship he would go insane and try to make contact at least 60 times a day. Now that I have done what he wanted for 7 years he has just up and gone.

JudyKayTee · Oct 6, 2012, 08:23 AM

Originally Posted by DESPRATE

I still want to believe that things will work out, he always says give him time, if God wills it we will be together. My fear is that i went through 4 miscarriages before, and with all the stress this time round I don't know if I am strong enough to cope. My divorce with my ex is nearly being finalised. My partner did say that he was afraid as he could be sued for interference in the marriage. About 3 weeks back i forcefully went to his home to tell him that I am pregnant, my ex took me there as the weather was very bad.My partner refused to listen to what I wanted to say, and in a rage I picked up a chair and kind of hit him. He than put up a protection order against me. But he immediately called my friend to tell her that it was not intended for me but for my ex instead. And he wanted my ex to think there is nothing going on between us. I mean really, is he playing games or what? Initially he thought my kids will not accept him, but my daughter went up to him a week ago and told him that she is prepared to take him as their dad. He is 37 years old, and to be afraid of his parents at this age is beyond me. Previously if I threatened to call off the relationship he would go insane and try to make contact at least 60 times a day. Now that I have done what he wanted for 7 years he has just up and gone.

I never understand the "if God wills it" language - seems like a copout to me.

Do you have a sense that maybe he just wants out?

Sam66 · Oct 6, 2012, 08:47 AM

It's the commitment and money, surely. Twins! Well congratulations, and I hope you know that you will cope and have a family no matter what happens with this guy. Honestly, if he doesn't come back, it's no awful loss for you is it, he sounds irresponsible and selfish. If he can bail on you now with such silly excuses, then good riddance! I do hope he chooses not to bail though. You need to take a step back and concentrate on your health. You and your babies are priority number 1 and he comes lower than that. Be patient and see what happens.

DESPRATE · Oct 6, 2012, 08:50 AM

Well I know for a fact that his parents are unwell. They are old so it could be that he does not want to hurt them. He was going to speak to his parents about marrying me legally before this problem. He did tell me that he did speak to his father and his father told him that we are hurting too many people and that me kids are still small and they need both their parents. So I am not sure if his dad did tell him something to want to to leave me. It could also be his job, he did tell me that his friends have been supporting him emotionally and they all told him to leave me. I did speak to one of his friends and he is aware that I am pregnant, he told me to give him space, but this is going on since 26/08/2012. But I would not lie I have been calling and texting and begging him to see the light. But he never contacts me. But when he speaks to my friend he always expresses his love for me. Ido sense fear and maybe he wants out because of that.

Thanks Samm66, I am really excited. But really wish he was there for me.

joypulv · Oct 6, 2012, 09:02 AM

Big mistake to go to his house with your ex. Sorry. Symbolic and confusing. I'm not surprised that he fears being accused of something in the divorce (depending too on what country the divorce is taking place).

I can also envision aging, unwell parents pleading with him to not marry you, for whatever reason, and he now wants to please them first. I don't understand, however, how he can not want to be there for the twins - unless he thinks you have been having sex with your ex.

JudyKayTee · Oct 6, 2012, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by DESPRATE

Well I know for a fact that his parents are unwell. They are old so it could be that he does not want to hurt them. He was going to speak to his parents about marrying me legally before this problem. He did tell me that he did speak to his father and his father told him that we are hurting too many people and that me kids are still small and they need both their parents. So I am not sure if his dad did tell him something to want to to leave me. It could also be his job, he did tell me that his friends have been supporting him emotionally and they all told him to leave me. I did speak to one of his friends and he is aware that I am pregnant, he told me to give him space, but this is going on since 26/08/2012. But I would not lie I have been calling and texting and begging him to see the light. But he never contacts me. But when he speaks to my friend he always expresses his love for me. Ido sense fear and maybe he wants out because of that.

Thanx Samm66, I am really excited. But really wish he was there for me.

His parents had no problem with you living together, no problem with you having babies together and not being married - but getting married is a problem?

talaniman · Oct 6, 2012, 09:39 AM

This is like two entirely different posts with the additional information of you being pregnant for the last few months with twins, You and the ex visiting him, and him losing his job. That along with the four miscarriages and the 7 years of not getting a divorce only enforces the fact that you had as much to do with this situation as he does, and maybe its time to build for yourself, and give him time and space to get his act together.

While the proper thing to do is to love and support you at this time, I doubt seriously if he can support himself right now and must feel the perfect fool being caught up in such a mess as this. However if his love and dedication were as true as he said, and as you thought, then he would have insisted LONG AGO that you handle your business properly. Most guys would have I think, even if it meant dumping you if you didn't.

I do not mean to be harsh at all, but rather direct in that you really need to count him out of the picture at this point and see if he realizes on his own that the mistakes of the past have to be put aside and he has to man up to his responsibilities and put his selfish self serving ego aside to do the right thing by you.

I personally don't think he can and does feel overwhelmed for now, but I advise for now you seek other supports for yourself, because his test of true character is at stake and he does need to get it right, or get gone, and pay through the courts if he fails to step up.

Don't feel sorry for yourself and do what you have to do to handle your business properly without him. I can only wish you luck, and hope he gets it!

DESPRATE · Oct 7, 2012, 07:52 AM

Thank you, His parents did not agree from day one. They had no idea that we were living together. But they are aware that we were traditionally married. He has all the photos but refuses to give them to me. I took the polices to get the photos, he showed them to the polices, I asked him if he will not tear them and give my part of the photos to me. But he told me they meant a lot to him and he will never destroy them. I am getting mixed signals. Will he come back? If not why? If he will when? I thought I knew him, but maybe I am wrong... :(