[aanthonyy]

I was seeing this girl on and off and on and off for 3.5years. There were lows and highs but for most of the time she was insistent on living her life through me which made me feel very responsible for her and her happiness. WIthin weeks of meeting she gave up her job for me and wanted to come and work with me - I own a small company. WIthin months she wanted to marry me and live together. She had previously been in a marriage for 7 years although refused to talk about any of that time with me. I told her that we needed to know one another first and that came with time, so she sold her flat and moved into a flat a 5 min walk from my home. I had been single for 2 years having come out of a 7 year relationship so wanted to take things slowly.

SHe would tell me that I was her first love and had never felt like this about anybody.
I am a quiet caring type and am fairly independent and need my space and interests. She did not approve of either of these things and would be on dating websites whenever I was out with friends or doing evening interests which would really upset me. SHe would say she did it because she was lonely so I felt sorry for her - and more responsible.

I found her to be very emotionally needy - of attention attention and more attention. I would suggest to her that she out find a job and find friends and interests and that I was not responsible for her happiness. It got to the stage where by an evening out with friends would provoke a v hostile reaction and accusations of me not wanting to intergrate her fully into my life. I did not - when out with her she was like a leech - would glare at anyone who looked at me and be very curt with most people who would talk with me. It became a bit embarressing to socilaise with her. She never said anything positive about any of my friends or my family who felt she was too controlling.

For a quiet life and because she could be an assertive V selfless girl in many respects I forgave and chose to see the good side of things. Sexually I feel the intensity of all of this made our sex life amazing. It was amazing.

Anyhow back end of last year I could take no more and ended it - pleading with her that I needed space and that I felt that my life had been hyjacked. I was by then a bit all over the place and hitting the bottle a bit... I had lost my life compass...

We met during this period and I told her that emotionally we were very different people and that it could not work. She seemed a bit upset but accepted it which I found very surprising - in fact attractive - I felt that maybe she had grown and realised and that there was potential for growth.

However I then get a text telling me that she has met someone new - a brazilian waiter who is 24 and that they are moving into gether. Now don't ask me why but this has left me devistated. They have now been together for a few months and even now it allows all of the projection from 3.5 years together - that I am cold, uncaring, heartless, insensitive, a robot, selfish, self centred etc to be questioned by myself. As she is with this new guy (there is a big age gap - she is 40 - and imbalance which I can see) and appearingly very happy (or is this my imagination) it leaves me feeling alone rejected and at fault...

I am questioning whether there is personality disorders involved - I know I was co-dependent to an extent - but my therpist suggested she may have boarderline, narcessistic or obsessive compusive - or a mix -

It has left me feeling really rejected, used and f***ed up. And has left me questioning who I am and what my life is anymore.

Now when we spoke (we have not for over a month now) I hear that she has stolen my narrative / viewpoint regarding my take on our relationship together - and has somehow poisoned my mind into beliveing that she was right?!

She says that had she not met her new boyfriend then she would want to be with me, but I left a door open and she loves him too much to risk returning to me but misses me and suggests that I was abusive to her?

My mind is going a bit wobbly!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

ANT

[huno]

Jealousy is such an effective tool for sparking romantic interest. Frankly, I think it's the best way of winning someone's heart--get them jealous and they're eating out of your hands.

This girl was pretty much psychotic and you couldn't stand her. As soon as she finds someone else, you're all hot and bothered and you probably want her back now...

Be glad you're rid of her. Let the other guy deal with her problems. Find a better girl... shouldn't be too hard--just find anyone with breasts.

[aanthonyy]

Yes - I guess she inflicted the ultimate tact to make me jealous - though I did not take the bait throughout the relationship despite her attempts, though the new partner has made me feel very jealous and very rejected. PLus she has told me that the new sex is better and that I am too old for her now - I am 35 - he is 24...

What really insenses me is her inability to understand herself and take any responsibility for her behaviour and actions. Is all projected onto me and as I am a bit sensitive and feel rejected and a bit vulnerable, it has really made me feel very unsure of myself.

[phillysteakandcheese]

You accepted all this woman's flaws in exchange for amazing sex and her jealous attention. You knew early on that this woman was trouble, but simply looked passed it since she was giving you things you wanted. You secretly hoped she would change... and "settle down" with you. But now that she's moved on, you're in the "wanting what you can't have" mentality and are making yourself miserable.

The question I would ask is: Did you get a fair trade?

She wanted to inject herself into all facets of your life, but also tried to cut you off from your social circle. She was trying to control you, yet when you weren't around was looking for a replacement on those dating sites. Are you even sure she was faithful, or did you look past those signs too?

I think that you didn't, any still don't, know exactly what it is you want in a relatioship. So you are willing to accept crap like this in exchange for great sex and jealous attention.

Think about that poor Brazillian kid... He's doing exactly what you did: Trading awesome MILF sex with an emotionally damaged human being. If he becomes emotionally attached like you did, he's going to wind up feeling the same way you do right now.

I bet you'll find her profile on those dating sites before too long...

[aanthonyy]

Thanks for that Philly! It does begg the question - whether I put up with the jealousy and sex for merely good sex? Admittedly I had not completely gotten over my previous relationship when we first met. Maybe sex was all I was really ready for at that time. My previous relationships had always been intense in their loving respect and support for one another. This one was intense for all of the wrong reasons.

I ended the relationship so many times as she wanted to literally spend ALL of her life and time with me. She even came diving with me despite not being able to swim and in being afriad of water and nearly drowned... Whenever I split from her she would send me gifts - cry through my letter box, send hundreds of text messages, call my family and friends, and plays on my weak spots and insecurities until I would be warn down with her continual pleas and let her back in for explosive sex. All because she loved me.

SHe would be lovely for a couple of weeks, yet I would always regret allowing her back into my life. Kick myself. Was almost as though she had analysised all of my weak points and 'buttons' and knew exactly what to say and do to get me where she wanted me. I was painted as cold selfish self centred manipulative evil etc etc which is not who I am - I see that now as her trying to destroy myself esteem whilst projecting her s**t onto me.
She even talked me into going to see a councillor as she felt I was emotionally immature and cold.

After 3 of these splits she gave me STD's which were 'my fault for rejecting her'. She was single thus could do as she pleased. She did not accept her responsibility.
I look back at this in horror and shame. It was what made me leave her finally. I was too disgusted by her.

This was by far the most intense relationship I have been in - and one which I wanted out for so long - was praying for someone to come along and take her away from me and any more responsibility. However it has been the most painful one to get over. I have had to question everything about myself - which has been enriching, cathartic and
Painful.

The sad irony is that if she turned up on my door now I do not know what I would do.
The intensity of my emotions - now I feel them fully after 3.5 years of turmoil are huge.

[aanthonyy]

Do think someone who behaves like this really can feel love? The utter selflessness on her part (she would have brushed my teeth had I asked her - not that I ever would have BTW) tears and tantrums gifts and gestures were what I perceived as love - was I duped? Is this about control from her insecurities. Does she love or does she use? Leaves me questioning what love is all about!! Are her needs just too big? Am really perplexed with this? Any thoughs would be good - thanking you in advance!

[beautyofspeed]

I know this was years ago, but this hits close to home and is expressed pretty well, so I want to say something. It sounds like she is borderline (or HAS borderline, if you choose to have compassion for her). I think a narcissist would have their own made-up identity and would not be trying to live their life through someone else. It sounds tricky, tricky - like someone invaded your very soul and mind and mucked everything up - as you are questioning so much and left feeling horrible. She brought up all of your insecurities, etc. cathartic, I can see how it would be healing, and an opportunity for growth.
I think I "have" borderline ("recovering")/healing, and was involved with a man who was either a narcissist/psychopath or another borderline, and I felt the same - like I was completely messed up, invaded. It's horrible. He is worse than I was. I think at the heart of someone with borderline is a person with a lot of emotional pain. It's just maybe not seen as that, and seen as a horrible person, or a person who does all these horrible things, as you described. The things she did maybe weren't conscious. She needed therapy. It's sad that she was that old and still like that.