[doogie]

I've posted before on some issues that we were having, and for the most part we have them resolved. Just some history, she did not have a very good childhood family wise and was assaulted at 13. She got married and pregnant just after high school (very young), and her husband at that time cheated on her and left a year into their marrige so she is very insecure.

We have been together for nine years (married for seven) and it's never been a passionate relationship between us. At the first there was great chemisty and yes the love making was awsome, but shortly after our getting together (a few weeks), it dwindled off. I know that it's different when you first get together, and men always complain about not getting enough sex; but for us over the past nine years we would be well below the average (couple times a month maybe); and it for the most part seemed that she was not into it. The past couple of years it got worse and excuse the expression, it was like trying to love an autistic person. I tried many different things and finally along came the straw that broke the camels back. She was going out visitng/chatting/texting/emailing a bunch of guys and whom I had no knowledge of. I've never been jealous but she would barley talk to me, yet going through phone records she talked to one guy for approx 1-2 hours at a time a couple of days a week. I thought she was having an affair and so I went into her email (yes I know I violated her privacy) and it turns out she lied about going out with friends till 3am in the morning to see a guy; and then told one of her friends that if I asked to cover for her. This then spawed into therapy sessions for her and us as a couple. It turned out that she just didn't want anyone touching her (hence the expression trying to love an autistic person. I would come up behind her and hug and kiss her and I would get just a lukewarm smile back) and she didn't know what she wanted.

My problem now is that we have resolved a number of issues, but I'm not certain that things are ever going to be resovled on her end. I had some surgery after our counseling (two months ago) and we were not able to be "close", but after the 6 weeks recovery it seemd to be back to the way it was. She said that it was just her being paranoid that she would hurt me because of the surgery, but I feel so alone like I have for the past nine years. We have two wonderful childern 3 and 5, and I will stay for them; but I'm getting a resentment towards her. So much I'm starting to dread coming home.

She was the only person I have ever slept with, and yes it bothers me that she had a past; but I can accept that. What I'm resenting is that I'm in my early thirties now, and I feel like I have missed out. I had opportunities to sleep with women before my wife, but I couldn't do it knowing that I knew it would only be a one night stand and I didn't want to use them. What I feel is that while I wasn't experienced before I met my wife, I should have had years of great sex and intimacy with someone I truly love; and I can't recall ever having that. I see people that are so much in love with each other, I just wish I could have experieced that. I did end our relationship before we got married, but she had no place to go and said that I was the only one for her and she would do anything to be with me. I didn't have the heart to make her leave and we ended up getting back together.

Right now I feel that I sacrified the happiness in my life so that she could be happy, and I'm not looking forward to the years ahead. So much that things that were important to me I don't care about anymore. As an example I've always had aspirations to be the CEO at the company I work for and I am currently the youngest person to sit in my management role and earn a 6 figure income; and I would walk away from all of it to just be with someone who brings a smile to my face just from the sound of their voice.

I know that deep down she truly loves me as I have been the only one in her life to treat her as well as I have/do, but she I think still has issues in the past and I'm not sure that the future will really be different.

Anyway, not sure if anyone has some advice; but if so I'm willing to listen.

Thanks,

doogie

[N0help4u]

Sounds like the relationship is all about her and how she wants it. She is taking you for granted and making excuses for her behavior. She needs to wake up.

[doogie]

Thanks for the reply.

I think that's the problem. I'm not sure if she intends it to be, or if it's just how she became because of how she was treated; but after nine years she still has a selfish side. She said that she was afraid of being hurt and that's why the walls come up and the "best defence is an offence" strategy. She said she was afraid I would do the same. There have been a number of times where she has wanted "her weekend" and has gone out partying with her girl friends till 3am in the morning, yet I have not. I'm not trying to be hurtful or demean her, but she still acts like an 18 year would in a relationship; not how I see other couples that are in their early thirties.

I've demonstrated time after time that I'm not like the other guys, and have broken up with other girlfriends for way much less. I have done all I can, and it still seems that because she didn't get the childhood and teenage years she wanted; she's doing all the stuff she didn't get a chance to at the sacrifice of me.

Lately things have been declining, and as a test I added an ex girlfriend to my Facebook (long story on the whole Facebook thing), and the very day she saw her on there her attitute changed. She was all affectionite towards me and saying that I don't cuddle with her much anymore, etc. She acted as I expected as she only does this when she things the relationship is in jeporady, otherwise it's like she does not care about how I feel.

[N0help4u]

You need to give her an ultimatum give it a chance with the walls down or you want out because it is destroying the relationship.

[maliceluvsyou]

Sorry to hear about your situation. She seems like a very selfish person and she doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants. Is she still talking to others guys? It doesn't seem like she is going to change. I say why don't you two separate for a while but then she will be free to do and see whom ever she wants without worrying about you. I think if she really wants to be with you, she needs to try a lot harder to make the relationship work. And if she don't, end it. I know its a lot easier said than doing it. But you deserve to be happy... and so does she (but not with other guys while she is still married).
Also you said you stay for your children. If you two divorce you will still be there for them. And if you stay in an unhappy marriage they will believe that is how marriage is like and its not. They might end up in your situation and think "well this is marriage and I have to stay no matter what, even if I'm unhappy".
No, do it for them so they can have happy parents. And having having happy parents means happy children. I believe how you treat one another is reflected on how you treat your children. You both don't seem happy, so maybe its time to end your relationship.

[maliceluvsyou]

I think she is just making an excuse because she doesn't want to look like the bad one in the relationship. I grew up pretty sh*tty but I told myself that I wasn't going to be that way when I got older. I admit some things in my past still bother me, but I got strong and didn't let the bad things pull me down. And what happened to the walls that she put up, are they not up for other guys? She is worried about her self too much. Did she ever think that this would hurt you? Obviously not, and the whole thing about your face book, I think it bothered her that your attention was on someone else, she may have felt it was some competiton to be your number 1. She just got a glimpse of what its like to be in your shoes.

[smokedetector]

Does she show any signs of depression? It sounds like she might just be unhappy with herself, so she's trying all the things she can to make her happy. Perhaps if it is determined that she is depressed the so called "happy pills" can help her and in the process help yalls relationship. Not knowing the details of the situation, I obviously don't know if this could be the right answer, but I thought I'd throw it out there for you to mull over.

And about leaving.. it's a very tough decision. Try a few more things, maybe you go to a therapist yourself who can advise you on how you're feeling about things and how you can change yourself to change your situation kind of thing would work. If you truly feel like it is a losing battle, then yes, I would agree with leaving. Your children deserve to be happy. Whatever choice you make, make sure that they are not punished for whatever decision you make, be it staying or leaving. Best of luck.

[doogie]

Thanks again for the replies.

I know it's difficult to assess the situation based on what I have wrote; but all of you have hit key points. I'm a very analytical person, and I'm just trying to make sense of it.

I know that she does not have a very high self esteem and she has constantly said that she is not pretty enough, skinny enough or smart enough for me. I told her (and constantly remind her) that I chose her for who she is; not on how she looks.

Where the selfishness seems to come in is in the emotional side. When she was talking and visiting the other guys, of course the affair word came out and she insists that she did not sleep with anyone. From my standpoint I told her that while she may not have had a physical affair she was having an emotional affair. Much like smokedetector indicated; it was almost like she was trying all the things she can to make her happy. She could talk to another guy for hours on end, yet all our conversations were only small talk. I'm not jealous by anymeans, but it was almost like she was trying to live this other life outside our marriage.

Maybe it is that she is just unhappy with herself. She is on antidepressants and they did seem to help. One thing maybe to mention is that the last couple of months I've been getting in shape for summer. Lost a few pounds, put on some muscle, new hair cut, etc while on the other hand she's put on a couple of pounds. She's thrown the comment out that now that I'm getting in shape, I'm going to leave her for someone slimmer. Could it be that she is still unhappy with herself. She's gone through therapy and she said that everything is resovled, yet I'm not so sure.

I'm sorry to hear about your rough past maliceluvsyou. I'm glad you were able to pull through and you sound like you are a confident person now. I had a supportive family and really close family growing up (still do); which I think she holds against me because she did not. However it wasn't all that great in many aspects. I was short, overweight and not that smart and was picked on a lot. I decided that the only one who can change things is me and I slimmed down, hit the books, graduated at the top of my class and now have a great job. She has many times thrown my success back at me because I get a lot of perks with my job (trips etc). It's gotten me upset and I've thrown it back at her saying while she was out having a good time in high school, I was sacrificing my personal life to get where I am today; and thus I derserve it. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time with this. I've made a lot of sacrifices to get where I am, and I don't like using people for my advantage, so when I've made the choice to spend it with the one person the rest of my life, I still have to sacrifice.

If anything thanks for the opprtunity to talk.

[maliceluvsyou]

You know you may try another way to make her happy. By saying that you chose her for her and not her looks may not be enough. Sometimes I find myself feeling the same with my husband. What you should do is tell her you think she's sexy, or she looks hot in that dress, etc. It will boost her confidence. At first she may not react well because she may not be used to it. If she freaks out and says "your lying" or "no I dont", just tell her that's how you see her.
At first I had a hard time accepting my husbands compliments but now I just say "really?" and smile.
People are so used to hearing the negatives things about themselves that they believe it. Start complimenting her more often so that she soon believes it. Even if she cleaned the house or just one area in the house, tell her the house looks great, or dinner was really good.
It really makes me happy when my husband does that.
Also, women get excited over their small accomplishments such as: doing all the laundry in one day, or having your food ready when you get home. Just compliment and think positive.
You should ask her if she wants to work out with you, you welcome her to join but there's no pressure. Its all up to her. Good luck!

[doogie]

Thanks for the advice maliceluvsyou, I'll focus more on the compliments and see if that makes a change for the better. Maybe I haven't been as supportive as I should have been.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not hung up on the sex (how much or how little is just a view point); just the need to be desired and intimate with someone. Even though I never went as far as sleeping with my ex girlfriend (complicated), we used to talk for hours and really connect and that's what I miss. I know what that feeling is like and I don't think that I've ever had it with my wife. It always seems like there was this wall up either because she didn't want to get hurt, or didn't want me to judge her, etc. I guess what really upset me is the "connecting" part that she was getting through other guys and I was left alone.

Thanks.