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frizzle fry · Jan 12, 2006, 01:58 PM

So I started hanging out with this girl 4 months ago, it started just as friends but the more I was around her, the more I started to like her. A week or so before new years I wrote her a letter telling her I felt, so she calls me and tells me next time we hang out well talk about it, but every time we hung out she just avoided
It, I just figured shell talk when she's rdy. So we are going out to this party for new years, having a good time, seems like everything going good, it was about 430 in the morning and I was rdy to go, so I went to find her, I was talking to some old friends for a while so she was off somewhere, I find her and she tells me she's not rdy to go, and that shell just ride home with these guys she was talking to, I was like whatever and left. Later I sent her a text, asking her why she couldn't just tell me how she felt, and that I thought she was leading me on. So the next day she comes overs and we finally talk, and she tells me that she just wants to be friends, and that there's many reasons she can't be in a relationship right now. Which was weird because she called me several times a day to talk, always wanted me to come over and hangout, told me how good of time we always have together etc etc. I pretty much told her that I couldn't hang around her anymore because my feelings would never change and I could never bear to see her with someone else right now. So its been 10 days since we talked, I really like her and want to try and make this work, or is it time to begin looking for a new lady. Thanks for any help

cdh · Jan 12, 2006, 02:04 PM

Give her time. I initially just wanted to be friends and fought my feelings. Now she is dating someone and it is killing me. Play it cool stay in touch but don't go overboard and don't beg when you do talk to her

nwsflash · Jan 12, 2006, 02:09 PM

I think to be honist she has made it clear to you that there is no chance of you two been more than friends, at least she has told you this rather than pulling your chain and using you! It sounds like she is not ready to be more than this and has you said she has made it clear that there are lots of issue's and things she needs to deal with.

Love is a really funny thing, yea its hard to walk away and stop been friends because you yourself have admitted that you could not deal with things if she did start seeing someone else. I think your best bet is to write to her or speak with her and tell her the way that your feeling again, and see what happens, but I also think you should find out from her why she is not ready to get into things!

She may have had past problems with a boyfriend, or just broken up with someone, people all take different time's to get ready for things. Some people just enjoy been single and having friends, other enjoy the closeness of been a couple. But give her a little space to.

I hope that you do get an answer from her 100% that will let you make your mind up, should you stay or should you go.

DrJ · Jan 12, 2006, 02:20 PM

When you first start hanging out with a girl, she will lump you into one of two categories: friend or lover?

Once you are in the friend category, it is very, VERY difficult to switch. She has already befriended you. Confided in you probably more than she would be comfortable confiding in a boyfriend.

Be her friend. Don't hope for anything more. Live you own life and find other women. If she is to fall for you, you have a long way to go. That won't happen over night.

Wildcat21 · Jan 12, 2006, 02:57 PM

Yeah Dude - you handled it wrong - you went into the friend zone immediately.

You didn't build attraction.

Why are you on the phone with her all day acting like her 'girlfriend'?

Don't contact her anymore. Make her come to you.

AND -for the love of god! QUIT sharing your feelings so soon with women!! The yhate that!

talaniman · Jan 12, 2006, 05:36 PM

I think your best bet is look for another girlfreind,because even on the slim chance she does comeback do you really think her mind has changed and all of a sudden she loves you?Women don't work that way and instead of wasting time, chalk it up to experience and move on!Don't look back.:cool:

s_cianci · Jan 12, 2006, 07:03 PM

Call or text her but keep it light. No pressure and don't bring up any talk of a relationship. You made the mistake of starting to pursue her instead of letting her pursue you. You've got to get it back to where she's pursuing you again. Be somewhat aloof and not overly enthusiastic. Have other friends and interests to be involved with and don't make her the center of your world. You should have a good chance if you take your time and play it cool.

nymphetamine · Jan 12, 2006, 07:14 PM

Yep. She's yo frin now.

frizzle fry · Jan 12, 2006, 10:13 PM

The funny thing is she mentioned to me a few times about how the best relationship she's been in was with a guy she knew for six months before they did anything. At the moment I couldn't wait anymore, I was getting bored with just being friends, but now if I could do over again maybe I wouldlve approached it differently. I just don't want it to end like this because I've put a lot of time into it. I just can't see why she's not into it, we get along well, have a lot of the same interests and enjoy being around each other. I was thinking about calling her while she's at work and seeing if shell return my call, I just kind of want to see if shell call back

Devinity423 · Jan 12, 2006, 11:18 PM

Hello

I would like to offer you some advice from a female’s point of view. First, I would like to commend you on your honesty. You told her straight up that you were filling her. What I think is that she can't handle commitment. This may be seen as a bad thing, but hey, there’s many reasons for this. Maybe she got out of a serious relationship, got her heart broken, and still can’t get over him. It’s very possible. As for her wanting to talk to you all the time: she just needs someone to be there for her, someone to talk to and ultimately tell you what her real problem is. Maybe then will she realize what a special guy you were. If you like her like you said you do, don’t give up!!

P.S. Patience is a virtue

talaniman · Jan 13, 2006, 08:43 AM

Yeah nothing like calling at work just to see!At least wait till the girl gets home,why bother her at work just to satisfy your curiosity,selfish!I'm sure you'll score a lot of points!Call her like a man and maybe that's the way she'll see you.Or at least give her some room to breathe at least,Don't you have anything better to do than hassle a girl at work for nothing!I thought you loved her so much,then be considerate!:cool: :eek:

DJ 'H' · Jan 13, 2006, 08:57 AM

I would have to say move on!! This girl obviously is not interested and is possibly seeing another guy.

I gave the very same excuses to a guy myself once, when I was younger - ome of the reasoning I gave was true, but the whole, "I don't want a relationship right now" was an excuse. And straight away I started seeing someone else.

My ex partner of two years said the same thing to me. Turned out he had been cheating on me for months and was with someone else, hence why he left me,

Just accept that it's over and move on. Concentrate on yourself for a bit and then get back out there and start dating. There is a wonderful girl out there somewhere just waiting for you to find her?

Wildcat21 · Jan 13, 2006, 09:01 AM

Sorry - guys should NEVER share their feeling in the real world to early! That's movie crap. Once a guy shares his feelings early HE SETS THE RELATIONSHIP WAY BACK. NEVER SAY HOW YOU FEEL, SHOW IT!!

And I STRONGLY feel he shouldn't contact her for 2 or 3 months. He already has done major damage. Let her think about him, wonder about him.

He also needs to learn how to play, for lack of a better word, 'hard to get'.

You throw your cards and the table and show your hand too early... she like eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!! Creepy.

He should have played cool, kept his mouth shut, BE UNAVAILABLE. Be patient. Quit talking to her every day. Be busy.

To set a time frame, and this isn't set in stone, maybe like 6 months or a year. Women need the chase early on - they need the feeling that you just might not be there for her.

Early on it isn't love - it's lust, smitten, like.

confused25 · Jan 13, 2006, 09:03 AM

Yeah not a good idea to call her while she is at work. You said it's been over 10 days since you last talked to her right? Well I think the best thing to do would be to contact her one last time, preferably e-mail if you know she checks it often. If she doesn't have e-mail just leave a voicemail on her cell phone.

Just leave a very short message that doesn't put any pressure on her. Something like: "Hey how's it going? I know you've been busy. Just wanted to see what you have been up too?" Don't tell her to e-mail or call you back, nothing like that. Just keep it short and friendly. (Another user suggessted this tactic for when trying to pick up a girl, and in my opinion will also work in this case.)

If she doesn't get back to you then just leave her alone. The fact that she doesn't call back means that it's not going to work out. At this point it will be better to begin the healing process and move on. If it's meant to be she will eventually contact you in some way.

bizygurl · Jan 13, 2006, 10:22 AM

She may have had an expirence where she was friends with a guy first and then started a relationship but that doesn't mean that she will start a relationship with every guy that befrends her first. That is unfortunate for you because she seems as though she doesn't return the affection or attention your looking for.

There isn't a whole lot you can do when someone has already made up their mind on what kind of relationship they want from you. Your best bet is to move on and get involved with things that are apart from her. As far as keeping in contact I would be friendly with her but don't go out of your way and call her. Maybe at some point she will get to know you better and things will be different, but as for right now, she seems like she is in a totally different place as far as a serious relationship goes.

frizzle fry · Jan 15, 2006, 06:14 PM

Well I called her, and she wasn't at work, she was working out, but she called me back right away and we talked a little, we decided to go for a hike, then ended up going out for dinner. After that I told her I was going to watch football and left, she invited me back to watch some movies but I declined saying I had plans with friends, so she said to call her today, which I never did and she ended up calling me, but again I told her I had plans to watch football with some buddy's so she told me she has tomorrow off and that shell call me and we can hang out
Or something, what can I take from this, I really don't want to bring anything up about relationships or anything just yet, don't really know what to think though

confused25 · Jan 15, 2006, 07:23 PM

I suggest not bringing up anything about relationships. You have already told her how you felt, so she is aware of what your feelings are, now what you need to do is wait for her to bring up the idea of a relationship. If she calls you to hang out like she said she would then I say go for it. In my opinion it's not a good idea to turn down a girl very often because she will start thinking you lost interest. It wasn't a bad idea to turn her down for the movies and then the other date. But once she asks again don't turn her down this time. Go out with her but don't bring up the relationship.

Also I wouldn't read too much into her actions. She may be interested in you or maybe she is trying to fix the friendship. Just go out with her and have fun spending time with her. Be yourself and she may start becoming more and more attracted to you. If she wants a relationship she will eventually let you know. Furthermore, if she doesn't bring up anything about a relationship during the date (which I think will be the case) then don't worry about it. Just keep living your own life and I'm sure she will contact you again, assuming you both had a fun time :)

s_cianci · Jan 15, 2006, 07:31 PM

Originally Posted by frizzle fry

Well i called her, and she wasnt at work, she was working out, but she called me back right away and we talked a little, we decided to go for a hike, then ended up going out for dinner. After that i told her i was going to watch football and left, she invited me back to watch some movies but i declined saying i had plans with friends, so she said to call her today, which i never did and she ended up calling me, but again i told her i had plans to watch football with some buddy's so she told me she has tomorrow off and that shell call me and we can hang out
or something, what can i take from this, i really dont want to bring anything up about relationships or anything just yet, dont really know what to think tho

Don't bring up anything about relationships but accept her invitations when she offers them to you. This is what you want ; her pursuing you instead of vice versa. Of course, if her invitations conflict with any social commitments you've already made with other people, tell her that and ask for a raincheck. Never break a previous engagement with someone else for her. Not only is that unfair to the other people involved but it gets you right back at the stage where she's permitted to manipulate you and that will make her lose respect for you and scare her off yet again.