[TheNigel]

I know there are several posts along these same lines, but I need to hear someone's thoughts on the feelings I am experiencing...

I'm a 23 yr old man, I have been seeing a girl (she's 21) I met about a month ago very often; it's like we've known each other for years. I feel like this is the girl I've been looking for, just a great connection you know? Due to this connection I care about her so deeply, and lo and behold last night after being intimate I somehow asked a question that led to her telling me that she was once raped. We did not continue into details about the rape, but she got very upset because she asked if I was going to leave her now that I knew this because that had happened to her before. That comment made me go silent because my last longterm girlfriend was a rape victim years prior and when I found that out, things were never the same exactly...

The feelings I have about this happening to her are obviously very selfish, but that is what I need help dealing with because I really don't want to let her go. Please bear with my selfish rambling because I need to work this out: I feel so disappointed and disgusted (a mix of rage and anger at who did this to my sweet girl, but also just the sad feeling that I view her differently all of a sudden - as damaged goods, perhaps). I have had the wonderful passion of a new relationship going through my head almost 24/7, but since last night I have this weird mixed emptiness inside. I comforted her 100% when she told me this that it was not her fault, which I know to be totally true, but I struggle with my masculine feelings that she is damaged and someone has permanently marked her as their own in a sick way...

She exhibits absolutely no hangups or disturbed symptoms as a result of her attack; I honestly never would have known if I had not discussed with her whether she can have real orgasms during intercourse, checking to see if I could do something better, and she led me to this horrible news.

I apologize for the length of my rant, but I really need some outside feedback here. I have never in my life had therapy or counseling for anything, I have always felt that what a stranger has to say cannot really help me and I deal with things well myself. I do not want to break up with her, but how can I recover the feelings I had before? She is scarred in a way that I cannot forget, regardless of the fact that I know she is not to blame. I wish she never told me this because I am afraid of the permanent damage between us. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated, God bless.

[kp2171]

As the husband of a woman who was raped as a young teen, then a single mother at 19 with an abusive boyfriend... all I can say is that the past is the past.

If you cannot get over it... if she is too much work for you... get out of her way.

I'm not saying its easy. I'm not saying you are being a jerk.

But if her being honest about her sexual past is an inconvenience to you... its not a good fit.

There are times, especially in young love, that if its too damn hard to make it work, it probably isn't worth it. That's fine.

You don't need to prove anything. If its too much for you, OK.

But I don't hold her one iota "responsible" for telling you're her sexual past.

You signed up and posted because you want things OK. If you didn't care, your wouldn't have taken the time.

My experience is this... you can pick the "ideal" lover all you want... in the wash you will be leaving some wonderful people for no good reason other than your hangups.

Its OK if you aren't a good fit for her. Its OK.

Just don't hang around and punish her for this. If you can't get past it, leave. Let her find another who can see her for the person she is, not the actions that were forced upon her.