[kinglash2010]

I've been married for amost 8 years now. 7.5 of the 8 years has been fighting and the worst kind of arguments and abuse that you can think of. I mean from job sabatoge to spiting in my face. The name calling and several other forms of verbal, emotional abuse has placed me in a position where if I don't go I am going to go insane or get in trouble. For some time I knew things were very bad but never educated myself on abuse and what it is, recently I did some reading on the subject and discovered that my Wife is a Text Book Abuser. I want to leave but its hard cause I love her. She is in denial even though I show her what she does. She tells me I need to get over it, and that I make her say and do things. Its so crazy cause she does not make sense and can not see it. I feel like I wasted enough years of my life on this. I left her for 7 months and was treated so much better, after the time apart I came back because she said she changed but she is worst. I feel like I'm missing out on life. What do I do, how do I handle it emotionally and help myself handle this big task?

[twinkiedooter]

Having been the brunt of abuse for that many years the only thing I can suggest is for you to retain an attorney and have the attorney handle the details for you. Don't speak with her as she will just try to manipulate you again into taking her back.

You may need to seek professional help to be able to get her out of your thoughts. It's hard to do but you can retain a hypnotist and try hypnosis. I had to resort to hypnosis to rid myself of a boyfriend. Well worth the $ I spent.

[jmjoseph]

No one should be forced to endure abuse.

Go make yourself happy at all costs.

Good luck.

[kinglash2010]

Thank you for your advice. It seems at times that I'm alone with my thoughts of confusion from this type of treatment. The same question always remains why would someone who claims they love you put you through this type of treatment. Well on on my way to getting away from this. One good thing is I've been deployed the past year and all of our conversation is saved in IM's or Emails. So when I'm gettting tricked by her saying she don't do anything and that I should get over it I just take a look back and snap back into reality. Man I did not know that emotional and verbal abuse could have such a strong blinding effect when dealing with the matters of the heart. Love is blind though as they say

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Kinglash, I am truly sorry you have been on such an emotional & physical rollercoater. I hope this will help you. When you are filled with self-doubt and you are tempted to go back to her, please re-read everyone's responses here to help keep you strong.

A long time ago someone once shared the following with me:

If you take a frog and attempt to place him in a pot of boiling water, he will immediately jump away. He recognizes from the heat coming off the water, how extremely dangerous it is for him and he will avoid that pot at all costs.

If you take that same frog, place him in a pot of cold water, then turn up the heat slowly to boiling, the frog will stay in the pot and he will die. He won't feel the temperature steadily rising and recognize the danger of his situation until it is too late.

Kinglash, you are that frog.

You didn't realize that you were in such a toxic situation until it was too late. Her abusive nature has always been there. She knew exactly what she was doing. This is what abusers do. She turned the heat up on you slowly and deliberately. When she realizes that she has gone too far, she pulls back and is nice. For a while. Until the next time. Now you are away from her and she is STILL trying to control you. Since you are out of that situation, she is going to attempt to minimize what she has done. She will tell you that you are blowing things way out of proportion. AND, you are starting to cave in and you think that maybe, just maybe, she is right.

She isn't.

She is a manipulative b*tch. Run away from her. Run far away. You have already wasted 8 years of your life on her. Are you someone who wants to start a family? Do you really want her to have your children?

You deserve to be happy. You deserve the friendship and mutual respect that is the cornerstone of every good marriage.

And, by the way, thank you for your service to our country.

--JAL--

[Jake2008]

I am wondering what your courship was, before you married her. And, how did you and your wife try to deal with the problems you had- counselling?

You give few examples of her abuse, other than sabotaging your job, and spitting in your face, which are bad enough, don't get me wrong. But, what preceded these events.

There is always a dance. It takes two to argue, and start the process of these arguments that have gone on for 7 1/2 years, that have resulted in abuse. Can you be more specific as to how you handled the arguments, what caused the arguments, what was resolved, not resolved, and why did it end in 'verbal and emotional abuse' as you called it.

Is there alcohol involved, drugs, another woman/man in the picture? Who was it that treated you better for the 7 months you were apart.

Are there children involved here as well?

What do you see as your part in this, were you just a hapleess victim here? For this to have gone on for so long, there must be more to the story.

If she is as you say, I wonder about mental health issues with her, and if there was any history of this either in her behaviour with you, or her behaviour with others, or other relationsohips in her past.

I'm hoping you can provide more information. I hesitate to agree with you totally, without knowing more history.

[kinglash2010]

Thank god for good people like you. Its funny because I was reading a book on Abusive Relationships and they had the same story about the frog. Its like you confirmed what I'm going through. Your welcome for serving and thank you again for your words of wisdom. NO I don't want her being like that to my children I would have to take them and leave and that presents another situation. SMH.. good thing I don't have any yet.

[Kitkat22]

Thank god for good people like you. Its funny because I was reading a book on Abusive Relationships and they had the exact same story about the frog. Its like you confirmed what I'm going through. Your welcome for serving and thank you again for your words of wisdom. NO I dont want her being like that to my children I would have to take them and leave and that presents another situation. SMH.. good thing I dont have any yet.

Leave her.. you deserve to be happy. She has problems. You can't fix her.:)

[kinglash2010]

@ Jake2008

I wish I had an answer for every question that you have but honestly I don't. She does do these things and get very angry off nothing. Yes there has been diffucult times in our marriage but she has been pretty much the same. I'm not perfect, after taking what she dishes out eventually I break and I try to fight fire with fire. I don't agree that it takes two to tango after being in this relationship, I believe that it only takes one with the right motives. For the past few weeks I been telling her that she is abusing me. I been telling her that she is abusive both verbally and emotionally but she just escapes from it by calling me names and attacking. She is in complete denial, so what I do is copy and paste her emails and IM's and show her what she said vs what I said and she would tell me to get over it. Its complex really, the way she talks to you will blow your mind. She disrespects my family and anything that means anything to me. A few months ago she went on face book disrespecting me and my family because she didn't like a comment my aunt made on a picture. Its like she has me stuck in Junior High school. I have done everything in my power to tell her to stop treating me the way she is but she chooses not to stop. And in fact she throws it in my face when I say I'm ready to go for example. If I say I'm going to have to leave you if you don't stop she will say "lol how you gona leave me if I'm not even here. Do I answer your calls, are you blind dont you see how I treat you. I dont care" then when I am about to take action on how she treated me she acts like it never happen. I think that this marriage is Toxic and it would be best for us both not to live this way but its hard to leave. A few weeks ago a soldier died out here and she got mad as usual and told me that I should have died instead of the other soldier. I know this sounds crazy but its how she is, and she has no reason or justification for saying the things she says. She says them out of spite and anger and I'm tired of being her Target.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

A few weeks ago a soldier died out here and she got mad as usual and told me that I should have died instead of the other soldier.

DIVORCE HER ARSE!!

That has to be the worst thing I have ever heard a wife say to a husband.

My heart goes out to that soldier's family, both at home and brothers in service.

[kinglash2010]

The worse part is when she told me to Get over it! That's why I feel pretty stupid sometimes that I'm still around to hear her say more and more. Its like a big mind game

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Don't feel stupid. Yes, it is a mind game. She knows how to manipulate you. Get out. Stop talking to her.

NO CONTACT! I remember someone had created a sticky (post) with the NO CONTACT rule. I am going to see if I can find it and post it for you. If I can't, maybe someone else here will be kind enough to post it for you.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Found them! Click on the links, read through them carefully. Reread when you feel yourself starting to get weak and are tempted to speak with her:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-425290.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-351302.html

[kinglash2010]

OK Thanks. I'm going to check them out

[Just_Another_Lemming]

You're welcome. Good luck! When you feel weak again, post back. Someone will be around to help you.

[talaniman]

Whew, I too am glad you don't have any kids and if you divorce her and disappear from her life you won't have any more abuse either. Then a proper healing will put you on a good healthy path again.

Thanks for your service and sorry it's the only relief you have.

[Kitkat22]

The woman needs to learn how life is without you . Leave her and never go back.

[Oddboots]

Get it into your head. A woman like that can never love you in return.

Get our while you still have your sanity and yourself respect.

She won't change. You can.

[Kitkat22]

She's trouble with a capital "T".

[giderdone]

I've been married for amost 8 years now. 7.5 of the 8 years has been fighting and the worst kind of arguments and abuse that you can think of. I mean from job sabatoge to spiting in my face. The name calling and several other forms of verbal, emotional abuse has placed me in a position where if I dont go I am going to go insane or get in trouble. For some time I knew things were very bad but never educated my self on abuse and what it is, recently I did some reading on the subject and discovered that my Wife is a Text Book Abuser. I want to leave but its hard cause I love her. She is in denial even though I show her what she does. She tells me I need to get over it, and that I make her say and do things. Its so crazy cause she does not make sense and can not see it. I feel like I wasted enough years of my life on this. I left her for 7 months and was treated so much better, after the time apart I came back because she said she changed but she is worst. I feel like I'm missing out on life. What do I do, how do I handle it emotionally and help my self handle this big task?

Seems to me that your wife and my common-law could be sisters. If you have no children together, then rent a storage unit and start packing.
No one has to endure abuse of any kind and I do feel your pain. The only reason I'm still with mine is because we have a child together and I won't leave him with her for too long.

Just remember "Filter & Focus"! Filter out her abuse & Focus on making a better life for YOURSELF!

Another trick, have a file started with the police then tell her off. When she takes a swing, make sure she leaves a mark then have her charged. Peace bond should follow. Just stand up for yourself!!