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New Member
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Mar 27, 2007, 08:29 AM
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My past is ruining my present.
I have been with my husband for about a year now but only married for a few weeks. He has always been insecure about my past…It's not pretty and I am not proud. I have my skeletons but I have always been honest and I want nothing more than his trust. He has always dug and always questioned, it bothered me but he was going to be my husband (and now is) and he has a right to know. I just worry the more he digs the more he will wish he didn't. I was promiscuous in my past and I have admitted that to him. But I have never done anything within the life of our relationship to even give him the slightest thought that I would ever cheat or that I miss that life…I don't miss it. I love the life I have now, and I want nothing more than to be the family we are now till we are old and gray. I love him, and that's something I have never felt before, always searched for but never found. But he can not handle it. He calls me names and puts me down every chance he gets. At one point he even told me that he would never have married me or even continued to date me if he knew everything he knows now. He acts as though he hates me and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I just wish he loved me for the girl he fell in love with, the girl I am. But no, he is embarrassed by me. He said he doesn't want anyone else to know because he doesn't want them to think he was stupid enough to marry a whore. I need help. I want to save this marriage but it seems like the only thing that will is impossible…changing my past. What can I do? :confused:
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Junior Member
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Mar 27, 2007, 09:18 AM
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You shouldn't feel embarrassed about your past. And you shouldn't feel as though you were a bad person then or now. We were young and single and wanted to have fun. That was that chapter of our lives. This is now and now you want to settle down and start a life together. That shouldn't effect who you are. When you love someone you choose to love them fully. Their past, their flaws, and whatever the future may bring. If you feel like you are changing who you are inside to feel deserving of someone else then you are making yourself a slave. You are not living your own life. I just want you to be happy. Everyone gets mad sometimes or maybe finds things out that maybe they don't agree with or like but that doesn't give you the right to put someone else down in order to make yourself feel better about the situation. You've accepted many characteristics about him that maybe you shouldn't have but you did. You forgave when it was very difficult too. Now it's his turn to accept the things you can't change.
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Uber Member
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Mar 27, 2007, 09:32 AM
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Hello I:
Maybe you shouldn't have told him everything, either. Some things are best kept quiet. What went on in your life before you met him really has nothing to do with him. He's not entitled to know.
excon
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New Member
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Mar 27, 2007, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by excon
Hello i:
Maybe you shouldn't have told him everything, either. Some things are best kept quiet. What went on in your life before you met him really has nothing to do with him. He's not entitled to know.
excon
I did not tell him willingly or casually... there was a lot of "snooping" on his part. Going through old folders on my computer was actually what brought everything to the surface. And he kept asking and asking. I never gave any information just to give it. I only answered when I was pushed to do so.
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Senior Member
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Mar 27, 2007, 10:10 AM
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Everyone has things in their past they wish were different. Maybe they regret their behavior, maybe they just wish they'd made other choices. Whatever the case, those lessons and choices are part of who we are and have helped to form the kind of person we are today.
My wife has a sordid past. I made a choice to accept the person she has become. Your husband has to make a similar choice. His current behavior does nothing but poison the future. If he can't accept who you are now (over mistakes of the past), there is no marriage.
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Expert
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Mar 27, 2007, 10:12 AM
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He obviously can't handle things in a mature way, and unless he decides to change I doubt you have any peace, let alone respect. Another red flag is marrying him within a year and without the full disclosure he has now. I am so sorry but you deserve so much better, and this kid can't handle you. Its not your fault as if he truly loved you, he would have accepted who you are. I hate to say get him out of your life, but that is the only solution I can see at this point. Sorry for your pain.
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Uber Member
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Mar 27, 2007, 10:17 AM
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Hello again, l:
Just so you won't feel lonely. ALL of us have sordid pasts. There are those who admit it, and there's those who don't. Me?? I'm an angel.
excon
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Junior Member
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Mar 27, 2007, 11:06 AM
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Your past has made you who you are TODAY.
When you love someone you accept them as they are and were.
I am in the same situation as your husband is in, my girlfriend had, personally what I think an unsettling past, and yes it does get to me whenever there's a chance for insecurity to butt its way into my day to day life. But do you know what, I stop myself, and I think about how much I love her for who she is and that possibly if her past was not the way it was, then she probably wouldn't be the young woman I love so dear today.
He obviously lacks the maturity to deal with it. If you're making the effort to meet him halfway to fight his insecurities and he isn't even trying, then you might want to reconsider the relationship.
A strong relationship requires time and effort from both sides.
Hope everything works out for you.
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Full Member
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Mar 27, 2007, 12:42 PM
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He has to be willing to forget your past and focus on what the two of you have together. If he can't do that You will never be happy. I think I'd be infuriated if the peron I was married to was digging into my background, whether there was anything to find or not. What a huge invasion of personal privacy! Tell him how he makes you feel, tell him you need things to change, and if he can not make the changes tell him goodbye.
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Uber Member
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Mar 27, 2007, 02:02 PM
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Your husband should have married The Virgin Mary then. Everyone has a past. There are very few saints in this world. Outside of Mother Teresa, I do not know anyone in current history who qualilfies for the untainted past.
My (now ex) did that to me and I was upfront with him when we started to get serious. It never appeared to bother him until after we were married. Then the 20,000 questions started. Like a fool, I tolerated his behavior, thinking that somehow he deserved answers.
You DO NOT deserve the kind of treatment your husband is handing you - the questioning, the name calling, the threats, the snooping, the feelings of embarrassment you have been inflicted with. That is not love, not love at all. He has dogged you about a past that does not concern him. He had a past - does he object to being bugged about it?
When he threatens you, when he calls you names like "whore", it is destroying you from the inside. Please believe you do not deserve that. You do not have to "pay" in being humiliated by your husband. He is not a darn bit better than the next person, but he is trying to make himself look like such a saint. The good guy and the bad girl. Give me a break!
I would ask that you seek some professional counseling for yourself. You cannot change him - do not even try. It is not going to work. But you can change how you look at yourself, how you perceive your own self worth, how to increase yourself esteem, how not to accept what he says and does to you. You can learn how to disengage from his power plays on you. He wants you to feel so worthless and so at his mercy that you will become incapable of anything outside him. Please, do not allow him to continue. You are worth a million in gold. But you have to believe that. Get help for yourself is the best first step.
Make plans for leaving - not saying you have to leave - but get plans in order, for the in case of, the emergency, the day your decision will come and you need to get out. Get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the center. On the left, mark "Pros". On the right, mark "Cons". You can also use the words "positive" and "negative". Start listing reasons to leave and reasons to stay. Enter your feelings. Enter real events and situations. Be objective as you can be.
Find some relationship/personal development resources and start reading. Steven Stosny, PhD has written a great book called, "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" In the book Dr. Stosny explains how to define abuse (yes, you are being abused) and why it is important to take action to change the relationship. I found a short lilttle book by Alexandra Stoddard, called, "You Are Your Choices:50Ways to Live the Good Life". John Welwood has written a good book called, "Perfect Love Imperfect Relationships". In his book, Mr. Welwood describes how our relational problems arise out of a core wounding that affects all of our relationships in all aspects of our life. His premise is that the core wounding shows up as "a pervasive mood of unlove - a deep sense that we are not intrinsically lovable just as we are." Can you see how that may relate to you?
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Expert
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Mar 27, 2007, 02:12 PM
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Your past is not ruining your present, the kid you married is!
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Full Member
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Mar 28, 2007, 06:59 AM
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I can really feel for you. I once thought that the only way for me to save my marriage is to change my past. I once led the most sinfull life you can think of, I confessed it all to my husband, and since he was rejecting me so much I thought that maybe if I didn't do what I have done before we got married he might have loved me more.I did everything I could possibly and came to the point realizing the situation is out of my control, with tears in my eyes I turned to God and He mend my broken heart and I can see that He is touching my husband as well.Please give Jesus a try
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New Member
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Mar 30, 2007, 01:24 PM
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Just wanted to say thank you for all of your answers... I really needed to hear some of those things because even though they were in the back of my mind they were hiding from me! I am currently in counseling and the next step is seeing if he is willing to go with me. Thanks again guys :)
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New Member
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Jun 4, 2007, 08:46 PM
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Hey, I got to tell you this subject really hits home with me. I've been with my girlfriend for about nine months, and I too have had troubles with her past.
It is honestly the only thing about our relationship that is at all an issue. We get along great, I love her family, she loves mine. We are genuinley in love with each other. The fact is that, we had the former partners discussion about a month into our relationship, and as we got more serious those facts started to hurt me more, especially since a few of her past guys are still in town and I have to see them on occaision.(that is what really gets me the thought of them with her, it makes me sick). It is really not a problem, and I think God that one of her friends is a girl that I used to date because it makes me realize what a hypocrite I can be.
One thing to remember is, if your husbend is anything like myself, he genuinly loves you and that is part of the reason that it becomes such an issue. I love my girlfriend with all my heart and it is for that reason that I stress sometimes knowing that at times in her life all it took was a drunken party and a 4AM booty call to have her doing everything she does with me. If your husbend wasn't fazed by your past I would question his feelings for you.
Personally, I wish I could have, or would have, remained ignorant to my girlfriends past at times. Things would have been a lot easier, then I realize that if that is our only issue, and it only comes up from time to time(usually when we are drunk)... then I should be happy we don't have worse problems.
I know that in time either of our pasts(I have one too), will be an issue, the girl loves me, and I love her.
We will be staying in town for another semester of school then moving elsewhere, I know it will be a struggle at times, but it is a small piece of the pie compared to a lfe together with kids, family etc.
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Junior Member
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Jun 4, 2007, 10:24 PM
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Like everyone else is saying, your past is just that, your past. We have all done things in our past that we are not prouud of and that been with people that make us sick to think about. But he is not married to your past, he is with your present and maybe your future. I am sure he has done things too that you would not like either. Tell him to be a man and love you for all of you, is that what it is about anyway. If he is callling you a whore and you have only been amrried for a short while, I might check on getting an anulment. Seriously. Your past defines who you are, you grow from your past, what a prick!
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Full Member
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Jun 5, 2007, 06:17 AM
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I never got the big deal with somebodies past, yeah of course if my partner was a child molestor I would want to know, if he was a rapist I would want to know etc etc, but just regular sex/ex partners I have no interest in at all, why would I want to know that my man was naked with someone else, that he kissed someone else... no thanks I don't want to know. Its like wasps in summer, you know they are there but you don't want to know it!
So you had a past before you met him, big deal tell him to go dry his eyes.
If you are faithful to him, you love him and know in your heart that you would never be like that again he is going to either have to grow up and let it go or get out of your life... if he was after a virgin he should have made that clear before dating you.
You have done nothing wrong here.
And by the way, if my husband EVER called me a slut/whore etc he would be very sorry, he has no right, and it shows how much he respects you.
Tell him to go get over himself before he loses you by being an immature little boy.
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Full Member
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Jun 6, 2007, 08:31 PM
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Your past is not ruining your present.
The person you married is ruining it.
And by going to counseling you take a step in not allowing him to.
Good luck.
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Ultra Member
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Jun 6, 2007, 09:11 PM
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Ladies listen very carefully to this woman's story and do not make the same mistake that she has. Your past defines who you are now. You would not be the person that he fell in love with ( and I use that term loosely) had you not grown from your experiences in life. Now stop apologizing to him for what you have done. You do not owe him that in words or in shame. Lift your head and be proud of where you have been, where you are now and where you are going. Life is a journey. We are born knowing nothing and our experience's good and bad make us who we are. If you will sit back and think and be honest with yourself. He has always been just a little controlling (out of love for you of course). He has shown jealously( not because he doesn't trust you but because he doesn't the other men) he gave you many signs if you think about it. But he probably showed you some respect and you fell for it, believe me he knew that you were desperate for love. He knew you had a torrid past I'm sure you gave him a hint on the first date. Men like him , (the ones that like to call women whores and sluts) look for ones with a past because they derive some kind of self righteousness out of being mean to this type of woman. Believe me you are not his first. The only thing that you owed to him, was to come into your relationship disease free and committed to him. If you have done these two things, I say what the hell is his problem. Educate, educate, educate ,yourself on abusive men and why you keep hooking up with them. That is all you need a counselor for. Stop beating up yourself over your past! And most of all stop letting him beat you up over it, because he has no right even if he is married to you now. You make him feel so powerful when you beg him to forgive you of your past. This is exactly where he wants you, as long as you feel like crap about yourself, you will never stand up to him and he knows it and that is excatly what he wants . :) May peace be with you
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New Member
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Jun 11, 2007, 12:04 PM
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Wow does this hit home!! I am in the same position. I have been married for 18 months now... but the only difference is that I was previously married and some of the things that I am not proud of were done while I was married. I am ashamed of myself for what I have done, but I have become a better person from it. I was married young, and wanted to do things that I didn't get to.. . I met my current husband while I was married - and left him a month later for the one I'm with now. I love my husband so much and it hurts to be called a whore, pig, etc. I wish that they would just get over the past and love you for who you are today and not what you were. Like Bon Jovi says in I'll be there for you.. . I can promise you tomorrow but I can't buy back yesterday.. . I keep telling my husband that, but our fights over this come and go, we used to have fun drinking, but the past year or so it has just been nothing but problems, which can get ugly at times. I know my husband loves me to death and will do anything for me, but he says that this is hurting him and he doesn't want to leave, but it kills him when something he sees, hears, etc. makes him think of something I said... I keep praying that there is hope!! Will he ever get past my past!
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New Member
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Jun 11, 2007, 09:55 PM
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Honestly, we all have to sleep in the beds we make.
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