[coaster]

This is my first time tossing my business out onto the web, but I am desperate for help. 8 months ago I met my mate. He is perfect. We get along seemlessly. He always holds me, kisses me, does all the little things that shows he truly pays attention. I had no idea it could be so easy to be in love. BUT he rarely wants sex. Even in the beginning. He is 37 and I am 28. We seriously only have sex once a week. I want it everyday, all day. We are both gorgeous people and we challenge each other mentally and we have so much fun together, everyone we know wishes they were us, so I know its not the attraction and when we do have sex it is amazing. He says he just has his mind on work during the week and that if I initiate it, it will happen. Problem is I'm sick of initiating it, I have never dated someone where they could stand to be in the same room with me and no want to nail me to the wall! Like I said, we will snuggle like there is no tomorrow, but its not cutting it. Plus the initiation has to be more of a full on assult, I get no response from the caressing which obviously means I'm in the mood. We've talked about it, but I am not getting any satisfactory results. Now, as much as I love him, I find myself wanting to go back to my ex of 7 years who is a God in bed, a mans man who always made me feel like a woman, but not always so sharp on all the other things that make a relationship work... Its to the point that I'm in tears daily and don't even want to touch him anymore because I feel like there is no point, almost like I'm training myself to not be sexual anymore. HELP

[Krs]

Does your boyfriend know exactly how you feel?

I know you said you talked about it. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY!

You need to both come to a conculsion that satifies both of you.
Try and suggest doing a day on - day off kind of a thing, have this plan going. 1 time u inniate it, while the next its his turn :)

[rol]

Well I don't know, I guess ye both have different sexual needs and this could be a big problem for the future... some busy guys concentrating on work need sex just once a week or even less! You should talk to him about this of course, but if you really need sex every day all day then maybe you should find someone else who needs the same as you..
This problem will not get better with time and you will not be happy. I had a friend who was in the same situation with her husband(she married him and was a virgin so she did not know about this ) and as the years went on it got really frustrating for her and she was very unhappy so eventually they divorced.

[Wildcat21]

I find it a deal breaker. I am 40 and I need it evey day.

Does he have health issues? Has he been to the doctor - I don't find this completely normal and most guys are looking for it all the time.

It most likely will get worse.

I am in Chicago and gladly... kidding.

Also - going back to your ex is not an option as apparently is bad in other areas. You will just be completely annoyed by all his short comings - you're at a point in your life where you probably need more and neither of those guys fullfull your needs.

[s_cianci]

I think rol may have hit it on the head here. The two of you may not have compatible needs. You may find that it's just not going to work out between the two of you and you may have to go your separate ways.

[talaniman]

Ainnt that why they make those little blue pills?

[Krs]

Ainnt that why they make those little blue pills?

Couldn't spread the love Tal ;) but yeah right on!

[Wildcat21]

I talkeed with her privately and she said no health issues - so n oblue pill needed. I am wondering if it's a control thing?

[talaniman]

The blue pill is for her man, VIAGRA.

[Wildcat21]

It's not a gay relationship. And I know the blue pill is for her guy.

[kp2171]

a mans sex drive can diminish as he ages, part mental, part physical, part circumstances... some or all of the above. Personally, the mental drive is a little less, the physical drive is a little less, the circumstances are a big pain.

mental for ex can be the newness of a partner or simply even the newness of sex. I remember getting absolutely excited as a teen seeing a girl who showed a little bra. Having "been there", now ill get aroused seeing a woman show some cleavage but nothing like the instant, steel-piercing erections wasted on a 15 year old. =) sorry. Its true.

now this doesn't mean he's bored with you. I had a partner who wanted sex often, and simply knowing this pretty much kept me primed all the time. He knows you are ready from your conversations. Mentally he isn't getting it done for some reason. Another partner always wanted me to initiate, but didn't want it often... which caused problems. How was I to know when it was OK to be more sexually aggressive and when to hold back so I didn't get completely frustrated. Sex in that relationship because OK at best most of the time. We never hit that extra gear where you both are really connected physically.

physically, obviously there can be issues. 'cat stated he talked to you about this and you've ruled this out. Again, if there is a physical issue, it can also play right into the mental side. Double whammy. No fun for anyone.

my wife and I both went through a period of mild depression at two different times (death in the family, money/job stresses). We were pretty unavailable to each other during those periods. How's everything else in his life?

last is circumstances. Sex once a day for me is unrealistic most of the time. My wife's schedule and mine are not the same and a child running around the house can REALLY squash the sponteneity. We make due when we can. The last time we had sex fours days in a row was a little over a month ago and we both couldn't remember the last time before that it had happened.

which brings me to the last point... it isn't going to get easier. Something will have to give. You're going to have to make a choice at some point and, to some degree, live with it. Which is of course why you are posting here.

but when I say live with it, it also means not resenting the person you choose. If you stay with your current guy, you know what you are getting. I thinks he's not being fair to you right now, but if you choose him, you are not being fair to him if this is going to break the marriage or cause you to creep.

likewise, if you go with the Stud In Bed guy... you know what you are also getting. A guy wholl rock the bed and maybe leave the rest of the relationship in chaos. I know someone who's not married because she's got a relationship with a guy like this. She cannot stand to marry him. Drives her nuts sometimes, not always. But they have a sexual chemistry that she says she can't find anywhere else... so they are separate, monogomous people who share a bed and a little time together. She's not completely happy. But she's happy enough some of the time to live that life.

if you and your guy are this different in sexual compatibility, like I said, someone's got to give or walk. I'm sorry to say since he's not really responded to your talking to him, you are the one that's going to probably have to make that choice. Most of us make some "compromises" when we choose a mate. And then even more when you have kids. Only you can decide what is or isn't enough.

[Wildcat21]

I think it's a control thing.

OR, wonder if it's a confidence thng? Maybe he isn't happy with himself, performance?

[rol]

I Would like to know what kind of work he does? As he told her his mind is occupied with work during the week... Is he in the research area,or such a career that involves a lot of thinking? Maybe he is just focusing on work or has stress there .

[coaster]

Hello to all and thank you for your responses. Turns out it really is just stress. I have discovered he is is one who keeps a lot more to himself. Certain issues weighed more heavily than he lets on, such as him working again after 2 years of hanging out in Spain and his ex wife denying him access to his son in London. To answer what he does for a living, he is a trader. And no he is not dissatisfied with his "performance". He is quite spectacular. Since we have talked about it more in depth and I made it clear I won't live that way, and I assured him that Im here for him whether he makes a million in a day or not, he has been a lot more honest about what's going on in his head and in turn I am also more aware of how to ease his mind after a day. That and a trip tp the sex shop for some fun playthings has made allt he difference in the world!

[Saintas]

Sometimes little more communication helps more than an entire doctrine .I think is a good lesson to you for the future issues what may further occurred in life (and for others too).
Wish you all the best and one happy sex life .

[Wildcat21]

How could he be upset with MORE sex!

It's 99% of the time less!!

[always_hot]

This is my first time tossing my business out onto the web, but i am desperate for help. 8 months ago i met my mate. He is perfect. We get along seemlessly. He always holds me, kisses me, does all the little things that shows he truly pays attention. I had no idea it could be so easy to be in love. BUT he rarely wants sex. Even in the beginning. He is 37 and I am 28. We seriously only have sex once a week. I want it everyday, all day. We are both gorgeous people and we challenge each other mentally and we have so much fun together, everyone we know wishes they were us, so i know its not the attraction and when we do have sex it is amazing. He says he just has his mind on work during the week and that if i initiate it, it will happen. Problem is im sick of initiating it, i have never dated someone where they could stand to be in the same room with me and no want to nail me to the wall! Like I said, we will snuggle like there is no tomorrow, but its not cutting it. Plus the initiation has to be more of a full on assult, I get no response from the caressing which obviously means im in the mood. We've talked about it, but I am not getting any satisfactory results. Now, as much as I love him, I find myself wanting to go back to my ex of 7 years who is a God in bed, a mans man who always made me feel like a woman, but not always so sharp on all the other things that make a relationship work....Its to the point that im in tears daily and dont even want to touch him anymore becuase i feel like there is no point, almost like im training myself to not be sexual anymore. HELP

I know exactly how you feel! i'm 26 my boyfriend is 42. The only advice i can give is... you need to figure out what is more important in your life sex or your boyfriend. He probably won't change as i have been going through this for the last 2 years. Im thinking about getting a vibrator. Which really sucks but i will never leave my man nor will i cheat on him. Good men are hard to come by so i hope you make the right decision