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mjcdre · Sep 26, 2006, 07:07 PM

I know that most courts tend to decide that children in most cases belong with the mother unless there is some issue relative to abuse or neglect. This seems to have been a long standing generalization. I have a situation where the husband and father of the children is threatening his wife that if she leaves him (he's verbally and emotionally abusive); he will take the kids away from her and get full custody. This is an issue where she is an excellent mother, has taken care of the kids full time since they were born, she has worked part time evenings from time to time leaving the children with him, but has never had them in day care etc. Basically has been a stay-at-home mother. Like a huge percentage of our population she is currently taking medication for depression (had suffered some measurable post partum depression and anxiety and is being sufficiently treated for it with no side effects or recurring issues). She also had a situation when the youngest was an infant where she went to do grocery shopping and came home and the baby was in her crib crying (hungry, time to breast feed) and the father of the child would not let her get to the baby, telling her to let her cry, she needs to be left alone and not picked up every time she cries.. He then blocked the path to the child (we all should know you don't get between a mother bear and her cub) ultimately she grabbed him and pushed him out of the way, he in turn called the police (he had been drinking, she had not) he basically called 9-1-1 and then hung up, which of course results in a response from the police. There was a small scratch on his shoulder from where she grabbed him by the shirt. The police arrested her for assault because in NH any evidence of domestic violence requires an arrest. Against advice she pleaded guilty and was given a suspended sentence with two years of good behavior the case will be dismissed. He uses the fact that she has this simple assault conviction and her treatment for depression as a weapon and says he'll use it against her to get custody. Ultimately he could not provide a stable environment for the children on his own, and essentially she is a great mother with no history of abuse or neglect in any way shape or form. In fact the entire summer she spent away from him (for the most part) with the children at their summer residence, it would seem if he were the least bit concerned about her ability to care for the children he'd have never allowed her to have them alone for the entire summer.

What are the chances that the two issues as hand, the simple assault and the treatment for depression/anxiety; could hold any weight in a decision to get full custody? I think I know the answer, and I've inquired of an attorney who confirms my belief, but I was looking for some other opinions as she is concerned about this and is reluctant to leave because of the threats..

s_cianci · Oct 1, 2006, 01:46 PM

I'm no attorney but the conviction for simple assault coupled with diagnosed depression certainly don't look good for the mother, at least not on paper. The father has some powerful ammunition he can use against her. I'm not at all sure he would get full custody but joint custody sounds like a definite possibility. Try to muster up some independent witnesses who will testify on the mother's behalf ; that'll help a lot. Avoid family members since their credibility can be called into question based on their relationship to the mother.

TeamSandG · Oct 14, 2006, 12:51 PM

The simple fact of the matter is the depression could very well be situational. The postpartum depression goes away with time and as she may be prone to depressive episodes it may be the fault of the husband that she is depressed. It is very common for people in any kind of abusive situation to be depressed. It all takes a toll on your view point of what is reality. He may call her names and mistreat her and she, because of the depression, may not think she is worth leaving for. Think of the children, if she is a great mother then she can not allow herself to be treated that way in front of the kids. It will have a major affect on them in the long run. I also don't think the minor altercation will have much baring on this case because of the verbal abuse. She can easily prove that with a voice recorder or with a witness or many for that matter. Go for it! She owes it to her children if not herself. Soon after leaving she will get OK with her, and raise the children with confidence, not defeat! Hope that helps.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 14, 2006, 12:57 PM

This is a normal and common threat of the husband of a abusive and controlling husband, They don't really want the kids, they just don't want to have to pay child support and want a maid and sex toy at home.

So about 90 percent of the men who threaten to try and get the kids never do.

She needs to get an attorney and leave him.

After she is actually gone, he will turn into a crying begging baby most likley.

LUNAGODDESS · Oct 14, 2006, 02:14 PM

Does she have proof of the abuse and harassment.. all that you are writing is about a who woman needs run fast from abuser and a future criminal... she needs some help... can you be her helper... be her guardian angel... does she have a job out side the house?. contact your woman's shelter... do not know one... then call the prosecutor's office for family domestic violence and ask them to tell you what you can do to help this woman and her children... it will be very difficult for her to leave... especially,. if he is the bread winner

... no one wants to leave and live on the streets alone and with children... or move to the projects... right now she needs help...

If she does move in with you she needs to sit with you and you both go over some rules of the house... who will be paying what and do not give her pass( in paying her end of the bill)... most women going through this event will seek to empower themselves at the cost of a friendship... some will be very needy towards their helper... so be prepared...

She will need some counseling... for this was a war that she is exiting from and needs a lot of emotional help... support... none of that devils' advocate nonsense... she needs not to jump into one defeating situation from another... help her with these choices... this is a long journey... but at the end your heart will feel better about it... and for God's sake do not let this man know where she is and neither should she... feels it necessary to communicate with him... if she finds this weakness... then it is time for her to leave and go some where else for help... she will have to need the help... do not place your household in an unnecessary situation... but do not turn your back on a friend... we need a caring community...

dbek · Nov 17, 2006, 10:22 PM

Originally Posted by mjcdre

I know that most courts tend to decide that children in most cases belong with the mother unless there is some issue relative to abuse or neglect. This seems to have been a long standing generalization. I have a situation where the husband and father of the children is threatening his wife that if she leaves him (he's verbally and emotionally abusive); he will take the kids away from her and get full custody. This is an issue where she is an excellent mother, has taken care of the kids full time since they were born, she has worked part time evenings from time to time leaving the children with him, but has never had them in day care etc. Basically has been a stay-at-home mother. Like a huge percentage of our population she is currently taking medication for depression (had suffered some measurable post partum depression and anxiety and is being sufficiently treated for it with no side effects or recurring issues). She also had a situation when the youngest was an infant where she went to do grocery shopping and came home and the baby was in her crib crying (hungry, time to breast feed) and the father of the child would not let her get to the baby, telling her to let her cry, she needs to be left alone and not picked up every time she cries..He then blocked the path to the child (we all should know you don't get between a mother bear and her cub) ultimately she grabbed him and pushed him out of the way, he in turn called the police (he had been drinking, she had not) he basically called 9-1-1 and then hung up, which of course results in a response from the police. There was a small scratch on his shoulder from where she grabbed him by the shirt. The police arrested her for assault because in NH any evidence of domestic violence requires an arrest. Against advice she pleaded guilty and was given a suspended sentence with two years of good behavior the case will be dismissed. He uses the fact that she has this simple assault conviction and her treatment for depression as a weapon and says he'll use it against her to get custody. Ultimately he could not provide a stable environment for the children on his own, and essentially she is a great mother with no history of abuse or neglect in any way shape or form. In fact the entire summer she spent away from him (for the most part) with the children at their summer residence, it would seem if he were the least bit concerned about her ability to care for the children he'd have never allowed her to have them alone for the entire summer.

What are the chances that the two issues as hand, the simple assault and the treatment for depression/anxiety; could hold any weight in a decision to get full custody? I think I know the answer, and I've inquired of an attorney who confirms my belief, but I was looking for some other opinions as she is concerned about this and is reluctant to leave because of the threats..

Well first of all I just wanted to let you know that laws have changed and it's not always an absolute the mother will get custody of the children. My sister just went threw a divorce and he was trying to use her depression again her. But the lawyer said it wouldn't have any weigh in court (she had always taken very good care of her children) and also some of the depression was due to the relationship factors. He would have to show that she is not a fit mother (like drinks with the children, they aren't taken care of etc.) She needs to document everything. As far as the assault she needs to be honest with the lawyer so if it is brought up in court he's not blindsided.

isabelle · Nov 18, 2006, 01:43 PM

I would start making a paper trail. Two can play his game. Call 911 every time he abuses you or your child ( standing between you and your child is a good time to call 911)) and follow that up with a DVP. Don't back down... you can have your doctor explain to the judge about your medicines and how you are doing on them. Get your witness in line and ask them if they will stand up for you. You do not want any one that is going to back down or who really doesn't want to be involved.
This will not happen overnight, but you need to start right now.
This man sounds like a bully to me and most bullys won't fight when the persons decides to fight back.
As some one said.. he doesn't really want this child but sounds like he wants to hold on to you. Make him work for it, and don't forget the paper trail. Keep a note book on every thing hubby had said that is mean to you or your child. A lot of people do not understand how much weight this notebook will hold with a judge.
Good luck hon.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 18, 2006, 03:35 PM

And remember he is controlling, he is not controlling her by threatening keeping the kids.

And you never know how the judge will rule, I have had one where the mother was sleeping with men for money, leaving the kids under 8 alone for several hours, the house was full of trash, and next door to a XXX book store.

The father lived in a 4 bedroom brick, was an exectivite with a large company.

The father lost custody to the mother.

So you never know what the judge will do

cutieEthan · Oct 2, 2010, 10:42 PM

I am not sure, but I am going through something similar. I have depresion since I was a teen and managed to raise my daughter who is now ten. My ex wants custody of our 2 yr old son and weekend access to my daughter. He is using my depression as the reason but he is amplifying it that sounds like I should be locked up. I have never hut my kids and believe and was told I was a great mother, Its unfair and disgusting! I was opting gor a joint custody decision, but he is making it very tough for me.