[kiera22]

I am feeling awful and don't know what to do ? I have been married 18 years with 3 kids, I have a good job but the last 2 years of my marriage were very difficult. My husband was ignoring me, always upset, short tempered, never wanted to do anything with the family or go out with me alone basically spend his time renovating our home.
So I figured life is short let me have fun. It started as innocent fun with my gfs. I never intended on cheating , I used to condemn it and it could never happen to me. But during this time there was a guy(widowed) I work with for15 years and he was always a good friend we started getting closer, he realized something was wrong and comforted me at first as a friend and then we got closer. Some would call it emotional affair. About 4 months ago we took the relationship further even though I still did not sleep with him we have kissed and a few other things.
Being fed up with my husband one nIGHT I told him I don't love him anymore and since then he changed completely , says he loves me very much could not imagine his life without me goes out of his way to be the perfect husband. I feel I stepped in the twilight zone when I am with him now !
The problem is I feel it is too late because I am in love with the other guy.So here's my question should I stay for the kids because I don't think I could fall in love again with my husband or should I leave and start a new life with the man I love? (he is very much in love with me too) or SHOULD I just continue this affair? Even though I am wracked with guilt when I am with him I feel so incredibly good it is like a drug, whenever I think this is it last time I will see him! I always go back it is like it is stronger than me ! Help I am not very religious so that won't help.

[danni_sweetie]

Well in all honesty I think that if you were feeling this way about your husband a while ago then you should have brought it up with him. Maybe then you would have been able to work things out. I think you should tell your husband what is really going on and confront the person you are cheating on your husband with. You need to be honest to yourself and to others. At this rate you are one setting this as an example to your three precious children 2 shorting yourself out of a happy life with anyone and finally 3 hurting all the men in your life.
I wish you nothing but the best of luck and I hope all this turns out good.

[jledwards666]

I'd like to suggest for you to review a thread that I submitted last Friday having the title "Zombie marriage since her affair 18 months ago". In it you may be able to recognize the fate that you are dooming yourself, your husband, and your kids to. The title makes it pretty clear that you play the role of my wife while I play the role of your husband. Its ironic: there's nothing new under the sun, history repeats itself, people keep making the same dumb mistakes over and over. It might not be too late for your marriage as I fear it is for mine. Think about it.

[simoneaugie]

I have been exactly where you are. My psychologist suggested that perhaps I was looking for a man with the traits of both men. Don't let secrecy be part of your attraction to this other guy.

I moved out. Left the kids and "lived my life." Told my husband that I needed time to get my head straight.

At first, it was great. The new guy was such a wonderful person; so sensitive in bed. I squirmed with confusion though, even got divorce papers done up. But something was wrong.

My husband knows me well. I hate to be alone, feel abandoned. He would come over to my new apartment, massage my feet, drive me to work, take out my trash, just be himself... A little more attentive, he listened. But then I talked about my needs and feelings more than I ever had.

The new guy would not drive me to work or massage my feet for more than a few seconds. I thought, "this is good. The co-dependency is bad." But he would come over only once or twice a week. He always wanted me to drive to his house.

I detest driving! Nothing in his house was easy. The computer and TV screens were too small for me to see. He liked to keep the thermostat set on 80 degrees. There was no store within walking distance... But, the last night I did go to see him, the first thing he said was that my car was dirty. Then he proceeded to work on his taxes for 4 hours even though he knew I couldn't stay long.

Yeah, that was the last straw. So now I'm back with my husband. The affair taught both of us that what we have together, the reason we got married is something hard to find. It's hard to define. What has changed is that we are more honest and accepting with one another.

It's hard to decide. I know. You married someone you once loved more than words can say. He is still there. But both of you have grown and changed over time. Talk to him, your husband. Tell him what you need him to do, not to be the perfect husband, but how to be your friend. That's what you need.

Whichever man you choose, things will work out. Don't forget the solid, boring details, like he has stinky feet and he never does the dishes. Those things will last beyond your choice of one or the other.

[talaniman]

Even though I am wracked with guilt when I am with him I feel so incredibly good it is like a drug

Amazing as thats why dope fiends do dope, because thats the fastest, easiest way to feel good.

That's your problem also, instead of doing the hard work it takes to communicate, and live within your own boundaries of good behavior, you chose the easy way to feel good. Let someone else do it for you.

Like all the dope fiends in the world, now your hooked on the easier way to happiness, and have completely forgotten how to do the work it takes to BE happy yourself.

Let go of your drug completely, and do the hard work of communicating, and working with your husband, before abandoning a family, and disrupting your kids life for a hope of something better.

Until you learn how to be happy with who you are, and take responsibility for your happiness, you will always get a temporary feel good from your dope, but never be happy.

Its quite telling you chose the feel good now, over the happiness, and there will be consequences later. Ask any dope fiend, is he happy? Your not either, your distracted and confused and are depending on that quick fix. You will learn.

[N0help4u]

You should have tried and 'fixed' the problem by going to your husband in the first place.
All it took was saying you were unhappy and now he is this incredible guy. You lived with him 15 yrs and didn't know what you had or could have had. All it took was telling him that you don't love him. To me he is worth working it out with. Do you know how many women try everything in the book and then some and their husband doesn't change one bit?
Now with this other guy you are painting a rosy picture of it being better with him when you should be making it work with your husband first. You made the mistake once by going to this other guy. I don't think now is the time to get further into anything with him.

Do whatever it takes to make your marriage work first. The grass isn't always greener and to me it looks like this guy took advantage of a situation.

[Gemini54]

I think that you owe your husband your loyalty and respect.

All it took was for you to mention that you were unhappy, and now he's making an effort. I have to ask, why didn't you say something sooner?

You've fallen into the trap of thinking that there is an easy way out - yes, it would be so easy to leave and try a new life with an unknown quantity, but as simoneaugie says, where would it really get you?

Cheating on your husband is not the honest way to resolve this issue. The way to resolve it is to genuinely work on reestablishing the connection in your marriage. Only when you've tried your best will you know that it is OK to walk away.

Treat your husband the way you would like to be treated. How would you feel if he were doing this to you?

[kiera22]

OK first thanks for taking the time to clear up things for me a bit.

I need to answer a concern you all have as to why I didn't speak up sooner. Actually I had tried to talk these things over with my husband during these 2 years but he would always dismiss it as me being a spoiled girl . He kept saying that I have so much and he doesn't understand why I am not happy. He would say I constantly nag and would sometimes just walk away. His explanation now is that he felt we were in a solid relationship and that nothing could shake it. So HE TOOK ME FOR GRANTED! His behaviour was excused that way, but once he realized I had fallen out of love with him and that there was that possibility of separation then and only then did he wake up and as he put it set his priorities straight.

Now I am no longer in love with him do you think it can come back if I drop my lover completely ?
I am just afraid to let go of an amazing thing to find myself in a loveless relationship for the rest of my life ! Which could be long since I am only 40 something.and the regret will kill me ! I know I am so confused!

[talaniman]

I don't know how your marriage will turn out. For sure having a lover on the side will distract and prevent you from working on any repair work to be done.. Does he know your having this affair?

No one wants to be in an unhappy marriage, but deal with the marriage, or stop this sham, by ending it, and pursuing your own happiness.

You asked if you could find love for your husband again. What makes you think you will have the same love for your man on the side in the future? You don't know he will be any better in the long run, as what you have now. Will he be different in 10-18 years down the line?

What will your husband do when he finds your having this affair? What will the children do?

You have much to consider, my point is to do this right through honest efforts, as opposed to the lying and deceit that brings you so much pleasure now, but has real consequences you will face later.

[Jake2008]

You are playing both ends against the middle here, and it is resulting in a really skewed interpretation of marriage.

When you added another man to the mix, you have justified it by finding fault with your husband. Because he was short tempered, because he said you nagged him etc.

You have your husband thinking that he has done something wrong! He's bending over backwards to keep the marriage working, and you are sitting between two men, dangling both, deciding which is better for yourself.

You said you did try talking to your husband over two years, and he didn't listen. That justifies what exactly?

Did you try anything else? Counselling? Communicating in a different way such as through writing, booking a weekend away with just him, setting aside a night without kids to just talk at a mutually agreed upon time? Take him out ot a quiet restaurant to talk. Arrange a sitter and go for a long drive, to talk? I think had you tried one or more of these things, he'd have to have a head with concrete between his ears not to have heard you.

You need to let the other man go. You need to see that you owe it to your husband to be honest, and get off your selfish power trip, and put your feet back on the ground. Your husband is fighting a foe he is not even aware of! That is some imbalance of who holds the cards in my opinion.

You have not tried hard enough with your husband. Not even in the ballpark.

[kiera22]

No my husband has no idea about the affair and I do not plan on telling him especially since I am leaning towrds ending it BUT I need the strength to do it !

Maybe I am on a power trip I know it feels good having all this attention from both sides . But like you said the price to pay will be huge for my kids and my reputation In my social circle I am considered as a "good girl " a caring mom etc... people will be shocked if this came out!
No I haven't tried hard enough with my husband and you are right I just cannot find the motivation to... right now.

And yes I have no idea how this guy can be like if the real world comes into our relationship but it feels so darn good when I am with him it's like I am 15 again!! Maybe I need counseling ?

[N0help4u]

If you can't break it off yes you need counselling.

[talaniman]

End the lies, and deceit. What would you tell a dope fiend to do about his addiction? All he wants is his feel good too!!

[Rich11111]

I think you need to admit the your affair.
I am not sure what you mean when you say "kissed and other things" but since you haven't slept with the other man yet, this affair is only emotional, and whilst it will undoubtedly cause your husband pain it will emphasize the problems in your marriage and help you work through them.
If you choose your husband, Which I think you should, you will be starting afresh and it would be much better if you started honestly, not with the deceit of your affair with you. Also if you don't respect him enough to be honest now, this could happen again the next time there are an marital problems.

As others have said you need to accept full responsibility for this affair yourself. Whilst your husband could have been better, the affair was your fault alone, not his.

However, if you do choose to leave your husband, it should be because you no longer love him and only because of that, you shouldn't leave because you have feelings for someone else.

Also, if you choose to leave, don't become sexual with the other man until yours and your husband relationship is firmly over (not necessarily divorced, but clearly over) you owe your husband that much not to break your vow's any more than you already have.

[Gemini54]

I don't think that admitting to the affair at this point in time will assist you to sort out your marital problems. I suggest that the full details of the so called affair is something that you need to keep to yourself, for the time being. Sometimes complete honesty is not the best policy and I believe that admitting it now would endanger the opportunity for you to heal the relationship with your husband.

I do agree with Rich though about accepting responsibility for what you've done and choosing to stay with your husband because you love him, not because you feel you have to.

[Rich11111]

Admitting the full details isn't necessary I know, but admitting that the strain in your marriage made you look elsewhere may help reinforce the marriage in the long run. Preventing marital problems in the future.

Also admitting to it will prevent you thinking that you "Got away with it." If you do something wrong, but nothing bad happens, you are more likely to do it again. I'm not accusing you of being someone who will have an affair every time your married life will get hard. But then again you never thought you would have an affair in the first place. It is through suffering the consequences of our wrong actions we learn not to repeat them

[Rich11111]

or SHOULD I just continue this affair?

If the Other man is okay with being nothing more than a bit on the side then he obviously doesn't love you as much as you think and clearly doesn't have much potential to be in a full relationship. What's to stop him cheating on you if he is willing to help you cheat on your husband?

Personally I think that continuing the affair as it is shouldn't be an option.

And as for your "addiction" to him, make sure you are never alone with him, if he invites you anywhere either refuse or bring friends, never allow him to get you into a position where you can be anything more than friends. If you need privacy to talk, only do it over the phone. Also tell him to back off, If he truly loved you (As you claim he does) he should respect your wishes and not try anything.

[MsMewiththat]

I don't think that admitting to the affair at this point in time will assist you to sort out your marital problems. I suggest that the full deatils of the so called affair is something that you need to keep to yourself, for the time being. Sometimes complete honesty is not the best policy and I believe that admitting it now would endanger the opportunity for you to heal the relationship with your husband.

I do agree with Rich though about accepting responsibility for what you've done and choosing to stay with your husband because you love him, not because you feel you have to.

I guess I disagree with Gemini that admitting the affair isn't going to help you sort out the problem in the marriage. It is a major part of the problem and the other party in the relationship just hasn't been made aware of it. You have to accept responsibility yes and how better to do that than to be accountable and lay all your cards on the table.
Even the very thought that you could sort through this on your own without complete disclosure is a major continuance of the selfishness. Some might see it as telling the other party(husband) is selfish but it's clearly not. In my opinion it is extremely rude and selfish to assume that the husband doesn't need to know. Tell him and allow him the dignity of making the decision to stay in the marriage or not. It's not even up to this cheating person, it's up to him whether he choses to over look or acknowledge and forgive this indiscretion.

[Rich11111]

I guess I disagree with Gemini that admitting the affair isn't going to help you sort out the problem in the marriage. It is a major part of the problem and the other party in the relationship just hasn't been made aware of it. you have to accept responsibility yes and how better to do that than to be accountable and lay all your cards on the table.

I agree, at the moment your husband believes the problems in your marriage are all his fault, and at this point the blame lies more on you than him. It's a lot harder to fix a problem if not everyone knows that problem exists.

[kiera22]

Rich11111; If the Other man is okay with being nothing more than a bit on the side then he obviously doesn't love you as much as you think and clearly doesn't have much potential to be in a full relationship. What's to stop him cheating on you if he is willing to help you cheat on your husband?

The other man asked me to marry him and is willing to wait till my kids are older 3-5 years to make a decision ! I know it sounds all too crazy but somehow I believe him .
He has been trying and dating for 4 years now and things never worked out so he believes we are soulmates! Can I trust him... not sure !

I think I will try counseling one to get back feelings for my husband and 2 to figure out how to become unaddicted to my other man!

But I definitely cannot tell my husband it would be over for sure... he will not take that kind of betrayal.