[tirednhurt86]

Hey everyone,

Its been about 3 months almost since my boyfriend dumped me after 2 years together. Our relationship was pretty good although towards the end it was really bad- the fighting, and he was pushing me out of his life slowly. The thing is, I wonder if he really wanted to push me out of his life. He has a hard time with his parents- they drill into him night and day that he's not good enough, that he wasted his life etc... and I know that took a toll on him. I was amazing to him- his parents would tell him he didn't deserve me, that he should leave me before he brings me down with him- stuff like that. He broke up with me saying I was too clingy and he had no space. When the breakup happened I was shocked. I decided to walk away- maybe hed come back for me- after all we didn't have an awful relationship and I know he did love me and god knows how much I love him (still)... my question is- when I went to my friends and family right after they told me this was a good thing- that he had been mean to me ( he had but I reasoned it away because he had a rough time with his family, work sucked so I blamed it on that). And that I did deserve more- so I let him be. Things didn't go too well after that. We tried a break- but he kept pushing me away. Then he ended it. I feel like he didn't want to though... maybe I just can't accept it? But I am so attatched to him that I cannot let go- 3 mons later, things are rocky with us- we couldn't be friends, and he has heard rumors ( untrue things) that I said mean things about him. So he said he's done with me... ( I read his livejournal and his away messages like crazy)... as I'm typing this I think wow I'm crazy lol, but I just cannot let him go- I have given myself time to cry, joined a gym, hung out with friends, dated other guys, but I compare them all to him, look for flaws so I don't have to get close to a new guy, and push them away. I keep thinking he will come back for me... I just don't know how he couldn't... I know he loved me, and I just don't get how he could up and leave and never look back. The night he dumped me he called me crying saying he had made a mistake, but that he still wanted time and he loved me. So I think to myself- did I fight hard enough? Did I walk away too fast? We had fought before and worked it out why couldn't we this time? Why can't I let go? I get so attatched to people and I can't let them go... he chose to leave me and that's the hardest part to understand. Should I do some kind of grand gesture, like call him and ask to meet up or show up at his door to talk? I really want to have a second chance with him... I miss him so much- I have cried every day and night for 3 months now- it doesn't get any better. I don't want anyone but him. The thing is should I do this big gesture? Because I have a feeling he might not want to hear me because of all the rumors he's heard, and believed. I just feel like I need to know I gave it my all- I need to hear him say he doesn't love me or need me anymore. I'm sorry if I sound crazy, I'm just missing him, my heart is broken and I need advice- anything anyone has to offer will help. Thank you all!

[Fr_Chuck]

Three months is not even time to get started getting started again, after a very deep relationship. And what you are going though right now is part of the normal desire to not deal with being alone and starting over.
I am sorry you had a break and it often takes a year or more to get over someone ( a lot more time sometimes)

Next what has changed with him, has he stood up to his parents, has he stopped seeing his parents,

Next how did he treat you "bad"

You really need to find yourself without someone else in your life and be happy with who you are before you can be an equal partner in another relatonship. It sounds like this guy needs to deal with a lot of issues in his life before he gets into another relationship also.

Next of course it can get better and from what you said about treating you bad, you will most liekly find someone a lot better when you are ready to be in a relationship.

Try finding yourself over the next 12 months then start thinking who could be the right person for you.

[fredg]

HI,
You have a very good answer, before mine.
I agree that 12 weeks or so, is not enough time to get over someone.
I was divorced my first marriage, after 7 yrs, and it took me a year to start dating again. After 3 yrs, I remarried, now for 29 yrs.
It takes time; much more sometimes, depending on the person.
You said "needing you". That doesn't always mean "loves you"!
My own opinion is that you need to be meeting new people. Smile when you meet someone, and it shows you like yourself; they will like you, too.
Talking with others, meeting new men, is the very best way to start getting over someone... been there, done that.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[Cassie]

Did I read you right, you did try again after your breakup?
You sound as though you are someone who cares so deeply for another that you do not see their true faults and you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness because you think he needs you. Maybe, just maybe, his parents know him quite well and they did not like what he was doing to you, which could have been things you did not know about. Sometimes when someone says "you are too clingy and not giving enough space", means they want to do something you either are not invited to do or you would not approve of. Such as, another woman, alcohol, drugs, just hanging more with the guys and partying. If they can make you feel as though it is your fault, great! They are off the hook. If you were not clingy in the first 2 years, unless you changed a lot, it is his issue, not yours. It sounds as though you are caught up in feeling sorry for him and wanting to rescue him. Be very careful treading in that territory. It is easy to loose sight of yourself in there. Stop and think, did I deserve to be treated the way he was treating me? I am sure the answer is no. Give yourself time and each day decide to make it better for you. Love yourself because you sound very loveable and you deserve someone who knows that and will treat you accordingly.


FR Chuck and Fredg are right, you have not had enough time.

[valinors_sorrow]

why can't i let go? i get so attatched to people and i can't let them go...

It is a very common trait of people who are incomplete/low self esteem/codependent to have trouble with letting go. In recovery circles there is the running joke about "everything I let go of has claw marks on it". It is very easy to mistake addiction for love as it is a very fine line. There is also one about "...looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, act likes a duck, is a duck." Only you can give yourself permission to do some honest self examination. This is really worth looking into if you are serious about getting some help. Start with the book, "Women Who Love Too Much" or "Codependent No More". Either should be available cheap at any used bookstore.

Time by itself may do very little, if its about these things I have mentioned.

[knowidon'tknow]

I have a 2-year policy - fish or cut bait, life is short, 2 years is enough of a test. I don't want anyone who doesn't want me, even if it takes 6 months to really see that clearly. Wrote lots of angry love letters, but held off mailing them, thank God. I did have a guy who told me after 2 years of dating "I don't love you." That's a fast way for a guy to break up. Guess what - 2 years later, he came back and said "I made a terrible mistake, and I want to try again." Nice thing to hear from someone! We married 18 months later. Split up 6 years after - but that's another story!

[s_cianci]

I'd be very careful about pursuing this one. You admit that he was mean to you and you also admit that you explained it away. That's mistake #1 right there ; never explain away someone's abusive behavior. That only enables them. His parents probably have good reason for saying that he doesn't deserve you. Secondly it sounds like this guy's pretty naïve, believing everything he hears. Does he really have the mental and emotional stability needed for a successful relationship? From the tone of your post it doesn't sound like it. Personally I think he's just a game player. Find yourself a solid, upstanding man who knows what he wants and knows how to keep it.

[Skell]

Hi tired and hurt,

I can relate very well to what you are going through. As I've said here before I am going through a break with my first love. She was my girlfriend of 7 years and out of the blue she told me she doesn't love me any more. Very painful. It hurts so much I know.

It has been nearly 4 months now and we have had no contact. It is hard but I really think that this is what is keeping me sane.

I remember from your previous posts that although you have been broken up 3 months there has been contact throughout this period. Mainly online. You see this means he still has access to you. You write him emails, posts on your own site about him etc. this contact is not good for your healing process.

First and foremost you need to cut all contact whatsoever with him. None at all. Do not give him access to you by any means (online, through friends etc).
Don't read his online journals, don't allow him to read yours. NO CONTACT means none at all. Don't even tell a friend of his to say hi to him for you.

You need to get your head clear. You seem right now to be looking for excuses to contact him again. Saying things like your not sure if he really wanted to break up. Trust me, if he really didn't want to break up with you he wouldn't have. You would still be together.
He broke up with you because HE wanted to. No one else. Blaming others is just a front to make him feel less guilt and you feel less pain.

I only say this because I really believe that the no contact I have had with my ex is what has got me to a point now where I am moving forward in my life. Sure it still hurts a lot and I wonder all the time how she is, what she is thinking, why hasn't she contacted me etc etc.

But in actual fact knowing the answer to those questions won't help a damn thing. In fact it will probably only make it worse because the answers I want won't be there. It will just be the hurt all over again.

Do you actually expect to go and make this grand entrance back into his life and sweep him off his feet and run away happily ever after. As people say you can't make anyone love you.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm just being to the point and feel as though I can offer such advice because I am going through this right here, right now. I can relate right on your emotional level at this point in our lives..

Yes it is hard but there are things we can do to improve our metal and physical state. And right now I don't see you doing those things.

Please don't go doing anything drastic at this stage. Give yourself time to heal and think clearer for yours and his sake.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

[talaniman]

Do yourself a favor and allow yourself to heal from what you have been through. Work on yourself and your life, NO contact with your ex no matter what. Moving forward and being a better YOU is the best thing for now and it takes time. Believe it or not, We have all been through this break-up thing and the better you know yourself the better you will handle it! Good Luck!