[Sean999]

Hi,


I have a girlfriend and we have one year relationship. Last week, she told me that she had a sex experience with her boyfriend before me. I don't angry to her. But I am a little confused. Traditional cultures are influencing me and my family. I feel that I bought a used car. If I am rude, I am sorry. One of my friends say that this is not main case, if she love me so much, it's OK. But, I don't know how to say. May I know any other ideas especially from western members?


Thank you

[J_9]

How old are the two of you?

[Sean999]

We are both 26 years old.

[odinn7]

Of course you say it is a different culture so it may make a difference to you simply based on that. To me, it is not a big deal. Virginity doesn't mean all that much really, at least it never did to me. What matters is that you care about each other.

[talaniman]

You were raised a certain way, and that's okay, but never down someone for the way they were raised, and what they did in the past because really its none of your business, and it doesn't change who they are, or diminish their value as a good human being. How would you like to be judged for the way you were raised, ar past actions, and put down for it?

Now that she has been honest with you, its up to you how you deal with it and if you wanted a virgin then you have no future with this female if you cannot handle the truth about who she is. That's a shame, because other than that you think she is GREAT as a person, and she obviously cares and trusts you. You don't have to blab it all over the place for others to judge, as that in itself is a betrayal of trust.

But I think your friends are right in that her past before you is such a non issue, and to many not even an issue, since how she treats you and how you interact and love and respect each other is what really counts. Even a used car can be a great, dependable, enjoyable ride, and experience, but if that's all you can see then you have to be as honest as she is, and let her go, if you cannot let go of her past experience.

So you have a decision to make, that only a mature person can make. I warn you that you only hurt yourself if you place such value on people who were raised differently than you, as most everyone outside your own family has been. I don't think being a virgin or not makes anyone any better or worse than anyone else myself. Nor is it a mistake, or a bad thing if you didn't save it for marriage. That's a personal choice that shouldn't be held against anyone, but if you cannot handle it, that's strictly your problem to deal with.

Don't make her suffer for your inability to understand. That's not fair just because you think you have bought a used car. What a disgusting way to describe a human being you profess so much love for, and gives you love in return.

That to me is much worse than not being a virgin.

[J_9]

You asked about "ideas from western members."

In the western culture it is not expected that wives be virgins. At 26 years old few western men or women are virgins. We respect that there have been relationships before the one we are in now. But because you weren't her first doesn't mean you can't share many firsts together.

[Fr_Chuck]

In the western culture, finding a 25 year old that is a virgin is almost impossible. About 60 percent or more have sex before they finish college and being a virgin is not really much of a issue to anyone.

Most girls in a traditional society would never tell you. Here in China the 14 to 22 year old age group had 8 million abortions last year. Most will still claim to be virgins when they marry. One of the bigger seller items is a "virgin kit" to make the girl appear to be a virgin,

So perhaps you need to consider a changing culture.

[Oliver2011]

I won't pretend to know or understand your culture. But something positive about this girl and your relationship has made it last for a year. Maybe that's what you need to focus on instead of an action she did before she knew you. Many relationships unfortunately don't last a year.

It's either that or start an application process that includes a thorough background check and test drive.

[Synnen]

Have YOU had a sexual experience with her?

Then buddy, you took her "car" out for a drive without buying it yourself.

You can't complain about having a used car if you're willing to have sex outside of marriage yourself.

HOWEVER--if this is YOUR first relationship, and you have not yet had a sexual experience with her--I can understand the feelings you are having. Those feelings are kind of silly--your girlfriend is all of the experiences she had before you--she wouldn't be who you care about if she had had a different past. So... you get over it, and realize that if you care about her, it doesn't matter.

[CravenMorhead]

A western opinion: It isn't an issue. It doesn't make her less of a person. The only reason why, in western cultures, that virginity was an issue is paternity. If you and only you have had sex with this woman then you can guarantee that the children are yours. In the modern world we have enough knowledge that we don't NEED the woman to be a virgin to know if our children are ours. So it has become a non-issue.

It is your upbringing and your culture that is at odds with your current situation, not this woman. The thing you have to remember is that she's the same person that she was before she told you this, and it was a GREAT feat of humility and honesty to tell you this considering your culture and upbringing, and she is trusting you won't believe this is an issue.

You need to be at peace with you and yourself. You need to contemplate this and figure it out on your own. Is this a big enough issue for you? In my opinion it would be a poor decision, but if you decide to stay with her you need to let this go.

[tina_xo]

I get culture. As a western woman, and used to be part of a religious group I do understand expectations and views. But sometimes I feel you need to take a step back. Everybody has a past, but it doesn't define who they are. To judge somebody in this disrespectful way of a 'used' product is wrong and to be quite honest I think you need to take a long look at yourself. If you love this girl, you wouldn't be saying this.
In a western society, a girl losing her virginity before marriage is not uncommon and the fact she is honest should mean a lot more to you than her past. You haven't discussed your previous sexual history, I would be extremely interested to see if this is a case of double standards?

[Alty]

Great points made by all.

As a "western woman" my husband was not my first, not my second, not my third, not my fourth... I'll stop there because this could go on for a while.

I have a past, and not a great one. A lot of things went into that past, a lot of it shaped me into who I am now, who I was when we met, the woman he fell in love with. He never once asked me if I was a virgin, because at 19 he didn't expect me to be any more than I expected him to be a virgin.

He's never asked how many partners I had before him, and I've never volunteered that information. It doesn't matter. It's the past. He's the present and the future, so what does my past matter. Either he loves the person I am, and accepts that my past made me who I am, or he doesn't. Thankfully he does, and has for 25 years.

Lack of virginity is a stigma, something a lot of cultures have put way too much importance on. It's sex, it's not love, it's not comitment, it doesn't mean that she'll be untrustworthy, or riddled with disease, or a whore, it's just a physical act, and it has no bearing on who she is, or who will love her.

If you can't love her because she's not a virgin, that's your problem, not hers.

[DoulaLC]

Hi,


I have a girlfriend and we have one year relationship. Last week, she told me that she had a sex experience with her boyfriend before me. I don't angry to her. But I am a little confused. Traditional cultures are influencing me and my family. I feel that I bought a used car. If I am rude, I am sorry. One of my friends say that this is not main case, if she love me so much, it's OK. But, I don't know how to say. May I know any other ideas especially from western members?


Thank you

Have you and your girlfriend had sex? If so, what would your traditional culture say about it? Does your family know? Were you a virgin before her? Or are you still a virgin?

If you are a virgin, and it is something you feel should wait until marriage, than the situation something you will need to discuss with your girlfriend and decide if your point of view may have now changed. Often people will pick what cultural or religious teachings or norms they will follow... usually depending on what they happen to want to be able to do and still feel okay about it!

Plenty of people wouldn't have a problem with it, some people prefer to keep that part of a relationship just for marriage. The only opinions that really matter are those of you and your girlfriend.

[Sean999]

Ok OK Thank you for helping me. I am just finding the reasons to continue our relationship not for leaving her. Now, I got it. Thank you. I will forget the past. Just walk for present and future.

Originally posted by DoulaLC
Have you and your girlfriend had sex? If so, what would your traditional culture say about it? Does your family know? Were you a virgin before her? Or are you still a virgin?

If you are a virgin, and it is something you feel should wait until marriage, than the situation something you will need to discuss with your girlfriend and decide if your point of view may have now changed. Often people will pick what cultural or religious teachings or norms they will follow... usually depending on what they happen to want to be able to do and still feel okay about it!

Plenty of people wouldn't have a problem with it, some people prefer to keep that part of a relationship just for marriage. The only opinions that really matter are those of you and your girlfriend.

Not yet.

[cautious n old]

Dear Sean999,
What is more important than being a person's "first" is being their "last and only" Good luck!

[tickle]

Dear Sean999,
What is more important than being a person's "first" is being their "last and only" Good luck!

Dear cautious, what wonderful words ! Thank you !

[Sean999]

Dear Sean999,
What is more important than being a person's "first" is being their "last and only" Good luck!

Really great. Thank you. I appreciate it.