[C0bra_M3nace]

So I'm in a bit of a mix up, again. See I've been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed so long in the first place, but I'm madly in love with her, was and still am. Now don't go contradicting my statements too fast, so I'll explain my "Maybe I shouldn't have". When we first starting dating it was amazing, she was great to get along with, loved everything I do etc, etc. Were pretty near perfect for each other, still to this day. However, soon into the relationship she told me about her past, past lovers and experiences. After telling me I felt jealous, mad, upset, confused the whole nine. I didn't know what to say, I was blank. She then asked me about my experiences only for me to say none. Yeah go ahead laugh for a minute I was a virgin. Now was it healthy for me to enter my first real SERIOUS relationship being a virgin and her not? I feel tremendous resentment for her past lovers. Now don't get me wrong I don't hate her being my first, I just hate not being hers. I feel so awful, especially when I think of who and what she's done. I know I shouldn't feel this way, or I should try not to but it's so hard. I get angry and anxious every time I picture her with other guys. I know a few of them too, so it doesn't help much either. I just need help, hope I can find some here.

[smoothy]

So I'm in a bit of a mix up, again. See I've been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed so long in the first place, but I'm madly in love with her, was and still am. Now don't go contradicting my statements too fast, so I'll explain my "Maybe I shouldn't have". When we first starting dating it was amazing, she was great to get along with, loved everything I do etc, etc. Were pretty near perfect for eachother, still to this day. However, soon into the relationship she told me about her past, past lovers and experiences. After telling me I felt jealous, mad, upset, confused the whole nine. I didn't know what to say, I was blank. She then asked me about my experiences only for me to say none. Yeah go ahead laugh for a minute I was a virgin. Now was it healthy for me to enter my first real SERIOUS relationship being a virgin and her not? I feel tremendous resentment for her past lovers. Now don't get me wrong I don't hate her being my first, I just hate not being hers. I feel so awful, especially when I think of who and what she's done. I know I shouldn't feel this way, or I should try not to but it's so hard. I get angry and anxious every time I picture her with other guys. I know a few of them too, so it doesn't help much either. I just need help, hope I can find some here.

This issue is 1,000% your own problem. Its rooted in jealousy and to a lesser degree control.

Mostly is a result of not having matured emotionally yet. And by that I mean you aren't entitled to EXPECT someone to have been a virgin just for you. Remember... the world isn't here to serve you... you are here to serve the world.

Now keep in mind... how would you see this if the next woman you are with gets uppity the very same way because YOU were not her first... viewing this from someone else's perspective will help you properly frame this from your own.

Remember its not your right OR your place to get angry OR judgemental of what someone else decided to do before they ever met you.

You have to frame this in the proper way... remind yourself of this... and if you can't deal with it... then move on.. because she doesn't deserve to be subjected to this.

Put yourself into HER shoes... and imagine the other person being like this towards you... I doubt you would be very happy about it... and it will help remind yourself of why this is so wrong.

[C0bra_M3nace]

Now I realise all of this, every bit of it. It's out of my control, it was before me, etc. I get it. I just find it hard to cope with. I am a young adult, not going to disclose my age, but I am young, and admitingly, probably immature minded, I understand.

The deeper I dwell on it, it almost feels as if I'm jealous, not of her past lover, but that I have none for her to resent. It's a twisted way of thinking, it only happens, really, when I'm bored and have time to think about things.

No need to bash my immaturity, or how stupid and selfish I am. I realize all of that, I've read many articles, and many replies to know that much. I just want a sure fire way to just, get these silly thoughts out of my head. That's all I want.

[smoothy]

Now I realise all of this, every bit of it. It's out of my control, it was before me, etc. I get it. I just find it hard to cope with. I am a young adult, not going to disclose my age, but I am young, and admitingly, probably immature minded, I understand.

The deeper I dwell on it, it almost feels as if I'm jealous, not of her past lover, but that I have none for her to resent. It's a twisted way of thinking, it only happens, really, when I'm bored and have time to think about things.

No need to bash my immaturity, or how stupid and selfish I am. I realize all of that, I've read many articles, and many replies to know that much. I just want a sure fire way to just, get these silly thoughts out of my head. That's all I want.

Who's bashing you? You don't get over your probems by running away from them... you have to confront them head on and deal with them. That's exactly what I was telling you to do. And that starts with acknowledging what your own problems are... if you think you can avoid those issues and find an easy way out thad doesn't have you dealing with the issues... its not going to happen. Its going to be hard... and its going to take an effort... and its going to take time. And if you do it... and succeed at it... you will be a much better person than you are now. Its called character building.

These are bad habits you have.. and they have to be broken... and bad habits are always hard to break.

[C0bra_M3nace]

Thanks smoothly, you're right. I guess I just needed someone to tell me that.

[smoothy]

I think most people at one time or other as they are growing up have to go through that phase... some do it earlier than others... and a few people never quite learn the lessons they need to and stay like that... those few have relationship issues that follow them through life.

One important thing to remember, as we all get older, we will acquire more relationships and experience before we really find the right person.. and unless you grow up in a Monastery or Convent it means that other person will have done the same thing too. And almost never is our first serious relationship the right one.

Oh it might feel that way... but like the first time you have ice cream.. you might think that particular flavor or brand is the best there can be... you can't possibly know unless you have had other brands and other flavors. Usually you will find out there are much better brands, and flavors you like a lot more. And that's like relationships... you won't know what good is... until you've had a few of them to compare.

[Fr_Chuck]

Lets say you leave this girl because of it, guess what now you have a past, if you meet a new girl who is a virgin should she leave you or be bothered because now you have a "past"

Her mistake as to trust you were mature enough to understand and tell you. It is normally best not to discuss these past experiences at all.

If you need perhaps counseling to discover why you are having these issues.

[pekinglights]

I know that not everyone responds to their significant others sexual histories in the same way. In the same way, not everyone suffers from mental health issues.

For anyone who hasn't already done so, consider what your reaction to the situation reveals about yourself.

Compare what you're going through with the symptoms of depression. Quoted from WebMD:

"According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

-difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
-fatigue and decreased energy
-feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
-feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
-insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
-irritability, restlessness
-loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
-overeating or appetite loss
-persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
-persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
-thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts"

The largest obstacle to overcoming depression is a recognition by the individual. Recognition is the first, and most important, step in dealing with the repercussions.

I've read tons of these threads, rarely does anyone admit to or advocate counseling. Often, the burden of these emotions is placed on the individual, by themselves.

For whatever reason, depression is a huge problem, and a major killer. There's definitely a stigma attached to identifying as depressed. It is an abnormal reaction to normal stresses, and it is out of the individuals control.

I advise anyone who literally cannot keep these destructive thoughts out of their heads to seek some sort of counseling. Perhaps consider medication. Typical major depression occurs in episodes... so you'll eventually dig yourself out of your hole of unhappiness. Unfortunately, that can take years. Modern psychology can greatly shorten the length of a depressive episode.

I know it's more complicated, and that it has to deal with the one you love, and it will probably be an issue with every one you love until you learn to deal with the fact that it's a sexual world, but, if you're suffering, and it's causing any sort of destruction in your life, do something about it. At least talk to someone. It helps.

Source: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression

[pekinglights]

Also, be careful about using alcohol to self medicate. Over the long run it exaggerates the feelings of depression and anxiety.

[C0bra_M3nace]

I don't have depression. This "problem" I have doesn't affect me 24/7, only every once in a while when I get to thinking about it. Other than that I have no problems with my daily life, or my relationship. I don't understand how depression could even come into this equation. To be honest it hasn't even been bothering me lately anyway, all I needed was someone to tell me I was stupid for thinking about it and leave it as it is because it can't be changed.

[smoothy]

I don't have depression. This "problem" I have doesn't affect me 24/7, only every once in a while when I get to thinking about it. Other than that I have no problems with my daily life, or my relationship. I don't understand how depression could even come into this equation. To be honest it hasn't even been bothering me lately anyways, all I needed was someone to tell me I was stupid for thinking about it and leave it as it is because it can't be changed.

See, it does get easier with time like I told you... doesn't it..

[C0bra_M3nace]

It really does. I guess not having anyone to talk to about it doesn't help, I just needed to find good advice from someone who knows a bit more about it.

[smoothy]

By this time next year you will be able to sit back and laught about this... and exactly what you saw in her in the first place... just stick with it... you are well on your way...

[C0bra_M3nace]

Thanks smoothy, I appreciate everything.

[smoothy]

Thanks smoothy, I appreciate everything.

You are welcome...