[steph1fl]

Me and my ex of 3 years broke up over a month ago. He said we were fighting too much and that if I would give it time everything would fall into place.well we still see each other and hang out and spend the night together,yet he hasn't mentioned anything about the relationship. Its like he's over it and he has been.the night we broke up he had some girl at his house and when I showed up he said she was there for his friend(who was also there)but I don't believe them. We spent all of last weekend together and last night. I don't know what's going through his head. Does he want to be w/me or does is he having his cake & eating it too?and how do I get over him?

[one_life]

Sounds like he is having his cake and eating it too. If he is playing around with you, its best you stop seeing him. Zero contact. He can't have it both ways. It will be hard at first. It will get worse then better. Don't bottle up your feelings. Let it all out. Cry Cry. Talk to your family and friends. Write in this forum, we are here to support you.
I wish you good fortune.

[steph1fl]

We have been broken up for over a month. I have not been calling him and he winds up calling me.I have so many feelings for him still and I want to get him back somehow.when we first broke up (the first week or so) we didn't talk and I didn't call him,now we are talking daily and we spent the weekend together. I know we did fight a lot and I wasn't really "happy" but I just want to try to be with him. I love him so much

[Chery]

As a friend of mine on this forum would say, you are being to easy to reach.

Make yourself rare for a while, no matter how much it hurts. Believe me it works, I did it and stood my ground for two years, and he lives in the same house, but I still did not accept his invitations, and when he called, I was short and told him I was busy. He wound up realizing what he missed and started doing little things for me and we are together now. I still have my own place and spend most of the time there, but he always comes by my place or I his, and we see nobody else. He even bought a computer which he never uses, for me so that I'll spend more time upstairs at his place. So you see, if it's meant to be, it will happen. And he might have been telling the truth about the other girl and her b/f, did he ever give you reason to doubt his loyalty to you in that way? A few fights are OK, but can get old, and maybe he's got to have the time to put things in perspective and value you. Don't give up, just don't be easy to get from now on no matter how much you want and miss him, and see where it will take you. There are other fish in the sea and believe me that type of pain heals.. or we'd all be in the loony-bin. Good Luck to you and as previously said, we are here for you any time.

[s_cianci]

He may well be having his cake and eating it too. The main issue here, however, is what do you want out of this relationship? Are you content to settle for a casual fling with no strings attached? If so, then there's really no problem here. However, if you desire a lasting, committed relationship, then you need to confront him about what he wants. Lay your cards on the table and inform him that nothing less than a totally, 100% committed, strictly monogamous relationship will be acceptable. If he balks at that, then that's your cue to bail out. On the other hand, if he's agreeable to those terms, then the two of you may have a chance for a future together.

[steph1fl]

The problem is I want to be in a committed relationship and at this time it seems like he doesn't. I tried talking to other guys but nobody compares to him, and when I do talk to other guys and he finds out he gets upset and tells me he's not talking to any other girls and I shouldn't be w/any guys.we were together for 3 years and the whole time he never cheated on me, or gave me any major valid reason not to trust him. We had a great relationship,like most couples we had our ups & downs, but we always stuck together and made it work and loved each other. At the end though we never spent any time together.he was always w/his friends,going out and not including me in anything. He would work all day and go to bed at night(if he wasn't out w/his friends)i would cry and tell him all I wanted was to spend more time w/him,he would tell me was sorry and he was going to make time for me but he never did. We wound up breaking up days after he said that.he told me he couldn't take the fighting anymore.I still want to be with him more than anything,what can I do to make this relationship work so we can be together??

[Chery]

First, when I meant no contact so that he can realize your value, I did not mean to 'talk' to other guys - you know that only leads to jealousy and more problems. He probably feels smothered by you because you want more than he's willing to give right now, and your demands for more time. Men are not our possessions, we have to give them their freedoms as well as receive space from them. But you seemed to place your whole world around him and wanted all of his time. There is also a difference between quantity and quality time, so when you are together you should not spend it by arguing about not getting enough of it. IF you get back together with him tell him you care, that you will try to give him as much space as he needs and maybe agree on a code word that he can use if he feels another one of your clingings coming on. If you really want that, anything is worth a try. Sincerely wishing you a lot of luck. Keep us posted.

[steph1fl]

First, when I meant no contact so that he can realize your value, I did not mean to 'talk' to other guys - you know that only leads to jealousy and more problems. He probably feels smothered by you because you want more than he's willing to give right now, and your demands for more time. Men are not our possessions, we have to give them their freedoms as well as receive space from them. But you seemed to place your whole world around him and wanted all of his time. There is also a difference between quantity and quality time, so when you are together you should not spend it by arguing about not getting enough of it. IF you get back together with him tell him you care, that you will try to give him as much space as he needs and maybe agree on a code word that he can use if he feels another one of your clingings coming on. If you really want that, anything is worth a try. Sincerely wishing you a lot of luck. Keep us posted.

CHERY-
You are so incredibly right.everything you said in the reply is exactly what he's said to me. When we were together and he was working and I was working and we didn't really have a lot of time together,he would still call and tell me he wants to see me but instead of me being nice and spending the quality time with him I would complain about how we never spent time together and make the time we did spent together horrible.he would even explain to me that I shouldn't complain about us not spending enough time together and I should just make it a good time. There was a lot of things I did wrong.I wasn't giving him time w/friends and the time he did spend w/him wasn't ever good at the end.he even said I was being too clingy.I thought that's what he wanted to be with me, I didn't want him to think of me as clingy or needy.YOU ARE SO RIGHT THOUGH. Its like your inside his head right now.so is there anything I could do to get him back?when we 1st broke up we didn't see much of each other, but I've spent the night w/him all weekend and so far everyday this week.I want to be with him, what can I do to prove to him I'm in love and have realized my mistakes?

[Chery]

Just make it prime time from now on and try very hard to think how it will feel later to be in his arms, before you complain about anything. Make compliments, notice when he gets a haircut, let him be with his friends, and before he leaves to go with them hug him and tell him to have great time. Then, cook a little something while he's gone, surprise him with those 'little' things he just won't expect from you because of the way you were before. Saying 'I love you' and showing it are two different things.
Does he like sushi, try to learn how to make it, look up on the net on how to do so, and you can enjoy it with some candles and a nice rice wine - that's quality time. Don't just do this for him, but for yourself as well this way you'll learn not to be a 'nag' in the future no matter what happens to this relationship. I sincerely hope it works out for you. Just look inside you and see alternatives for your behavior. We all have to give a little to receive and it's not a great sacrifice to do this. One thing you have to constantly tell yourself, is to not rush it, no matter how bad you want him forever, it all takes time and lots of work. Lots of Luck.

[steph1fl]

I was just so used to spending all of my time w/him, that when he started doing his own thing I felt like I was losing him.I don't want him to think he can walk all over me I want him to be there for me and he said we broke up because we were fighting too much but then why isn't he making any effort to be with me?

[Chery]

He shared the weekend with you didn't he? If you fought again, he might take a while to rethink and call you, but when he does, you'll be ready with a few new ideas and I truly hope they work. I he does not, call him and invite him to a coffee shop, somewhere neutal, so that he knows there will be no arguing. It can't hurt to try. You'll find out soon enough where you stand, but not without effort on your part first. Good Luck.

[steph1fl]

We haven't been fighting lately at all. When we see each other its comfortable and it makes me miss him more.when he asked me to come spend the night he said he didn't want to sleep alone.what the hell is that about?does he want my company, or is he lonely?I haven't been talking to him about our relationship either.when we broke up and I tried to talk to him about it he told me he didn't like talking about it and I should just give it time.im not sure what's going on in his head. I hope that if he was seeing other people he would tell me or else he would be hurting the new girl too,right?why would he want to be w/anyone else anyway?will he ever come to his senses?

[Chery]

we havent been fighting lately at all. when we see each other its comfortable and it makes me miss him more.when he asked me to come spend the night he said he didnt want to sleep alone.what the hell is that about?does he want my company, or is he lonely?i havent been talkign to him about our relationship either.when we broke up and i tried to talk to him about it he told me he didnt like talking about it and i should just give it time.im not sure whats going on in his head. i hope that if he was seeing other people he would tell me or else he would be hurting the new girl too,right?why would he want to be w/anyone else anyway?will he ever come to his sences?

I hate to tell you this, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but your 'clingy' side is showing again. You want immediate confirmation and you will NOT get it. He's not ready no matter what you do, get used to it or move on to another chapter in life - I had the feeling that jealousy or insecurity has a play in this before, but didn't mention it in hopes you'd realize this yourself. He is comfortable with himself, there is nothing wrong with him. He just does not live up to what you want him to be, so change your view or lose. You will never get into his mind, just what he wants to show you, so take it at face value and don't read any more into it than what is there. When he said he did not want to be alone, he did not choose another, so that might tell you something. Settle down and take a deep breath and stop thinking about him 24 hours a day, you have other things to think about too. Best wishes and again, good luck.

[steph1fl]

I don't mean to be clingy at all. There's just something about me that changes when I'm around him. I just miss him and I want some advice and guidance about what I should do. I don't want him to be going out and seeing what's out there and when he doesn't find something he likes he will come home and call me to come over. I don't want to be for the moment. Before we broke up he was telling me he wanted to make it work but I had the worst attitude and treated him not so good and now I'm stuck.do you have any tips about what I could do to to make myself more diserable to him or is it hopeless?

[Chery]

i dont mean to be clingy at all. theres just something about me that changes when im around him. i just miss him and i want some advice and guidance about what i should do. i dont want him to be going out and seeing whats out there and when he doesnt find something he likes he will come home and call me to come over. i dont want to be for the moment. before we broke up he was telling me he wanted to make it work but i had the worst attitude and treated him not so good and now im stuck.do you have any tips about what i could do to to make myself more diserable to him or is it hopeless?

Dear, there is no way you can stop someone from looking at the menu unless you lock him up in the basement forever and that will only make him start hating you for this dominance. Again, he's not your possession and never will be, even when and if you are married, a man is never a possession. Get this through your head. Don't go through changes trying to 'make yourself' more desirable. He should not be the center of your life, your school, future goals (not just him) and a good career should also take up a lot of your time. Set some priorities here please... You should never change for others, you should only change for yourself. Once you like yourself, feel more confident, then others will pick up on it. Right now he's picking up on your insecurity and that's not good. Gain some strength for yourself and get rid of the trash you've been taught by whoever, in the past, as it is not helping you at all. Once you like yourself more, you will also like and trust others enough to share the good part of you and not the judgemental or possesive part. I bet there has not been one thing in your life or what you watch on TV lately that has been able to get a giggle or laugh out of you. This in itself will show you a lot. Do some serious changes within, not without. Good Luck.

[steph1fl]

I've actually been OK. I surround myself w/friends everyday and go out.im not going to stay in and wait for him, don't get me wrong.I just want to know why he would want to end a 3 year relationship w/me?because we fight too much?when I do see him or we talk I'm always doing something unless I'm ready for bed.I don't want him to think I'm miserable because I'm not,I'm just confused and in love.I had a life before him and I'm determined to have a life now even if we do get back together. He even told me that he wants to see what's out there and if there's nothing he wants more than me then we will probably get married.I want him to figure things out,but I don't want him walking all over me.

[Chery]

ive actually been ok. i surround myself w/friends everyday and go out.im not gonna stay in and wait for him, dont get me wrong.i just want to know why he would want to end a 3 year relationship w/me?because we fight too much?when i do see him or we talk im always doing something unless im ready for bed.i dont want him to think im miserable because im not,im just confused and in love.i had a life before him and im determined to have a life now even if we do get back together. he even told me that he wants to see whats out there and if theres nothing he wants more than me then we will probably get married.i want him to figure things out,but i dont want him walking all over me.

Out of the risk of repeating myself, you want his undivided attention and possession. Can't you take what he says at face value as he's been pretty truthful with you. His experiences out there might make him realize that you are the best one for him, but not if you push. And I'm sorry to say it but YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. Look what you've written, it's mostly I love him, but, what if, but if, but, I want, but , but, but... stop this and face reality or you'll never get a guy to take you serious, as you don't take yourself serious either. What you mean by 'walking all over you' is that he looks elsewhere, but still calls you and then you find faulth with that instead of feeling a little reassured of his choice and thinking of that 'prime time'. That does not sound like walking, it sounds like he's making a choice of some sort, but you seem to be ruining it at every chance you get, just as instand coffee can taste bitter, so maybe you just like the idea of being in love... If you don't want him to think you are miserable and confused then don't act like it. No matter what we say here, you always answer with but what if... 'IF is the little biggest word in the dictionary - find another word from now on, as there are always 'if's in the world and we can't change that. You could always find a blind man, but then he won't see your outer beauty either. He will be looking at your inside more, what will he see? Again, what more can I say, except for good luck in really seeing yourself. We all worry, we all get anxious, but other things in life are just as important.

[steph1fl]

Well last night I was going to bed and I thought I was sleeping alone,when he calls.I answered the phone in my sleep basically and was so happy to hear his voice. We talked for a minute and the whole time I was wishing he would ask me to sleep over again,but he didn't.so I decided I would ask him,and he said "not tonight" why would he ask me over every night this week and then last night he says no? it hurt worse than ever to hear him say no.. all of the jealous,possesive feelings came back to me and I was hurt.I did wind up spending the night with him and he made me feel so good.I asked him if there is anyone else he's dating and he told me no and that he doesn't want to be with anyone else.do you think there will ever be a chance for us to get back together?

[Chery]

well last night i was going to bed and i thought i was sleeping alone,when he calls.i answered the phone in my sleep basically and was so happy to hear his voice. we talked for a minute and the whole time i was wishing he would ask me to sleep over again,but he didnt.so i decided i would ask him,and he said "not tonight" why would he ask me over every night this week and then last night he says no??it hurt worse than ever to hear him say no..all of the jealous,possesive feelings came back to me and i was hurt.i did wind up spending the night with him and he made me feel so good.i asked him if there is anyone else hes dating and he told me no and that he doesnt want to be with anyone else.do you think there will ever be a chance for us to get back together?

There you go, talking before thinking again... Why didn't you just enjoy the moment and not constantly putting a stumbling stone in your own way?? It seems to me that you like being self-destructive. Please re-read this whole thread again, and this time try and let some of it sink in.
Dear, you are only hurting yourself with all this self-doubt.

[steph1fl]

Oh trust me I was enjoying the moment. I only asked him if he was seeing other people already,is that not fair?I have a right to have self doubt or whatever because the person I was in a relationship with is doubting me too.