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Skell · Mar 28, 2007, 03:27 PM

Re-read everything you have posted here.

It isn't ignoring her. She broke up with you. She asked for space. She is leaving you. How on earth does that make you the bad guy here?

Stop looking at her though rose colored glasses and accept that she has left you and most probably never coming back.

You aren't listening. You have every right to ask for her to leave you be now. You need for her to leave you alone. She loves having this control over you. And I think you like her having it in some ways too.

She does have another guy too remember. And if you think she isn't mucking around with him then I think you are sadly mistaken.

I know its tough but you aren't helping matters here and until you do you will feel like sh1t!!

sypher373 · Mar 28, 2007, 03:39 PM

Originally Posted by Skell

She does have another guy too remember. And if you think she isn't mucking around with him then i think you are sadly mistaken.

Skell,

Are you saying that I am to assume that everything she has said to me has been a lie? She has sworn to me that she does not want a relationship right now with anyone, that she has done nothing with him, and that he isn't interested in a relationship either, as he is still hung up on an ex of his own.

I don't enjoy her having this control over me, and I understand that the more control she has over me, the worse I feel. To be honest, the fact that she called me today, and texted me yesterday makes me feel better because I feel like I am winning some of the control back. No longer am I initiating any contact, she is doing it - which makes me feel as if I'm in control. I guess to improve this even more, I need to take it to the next level and not only not contact her, not answer her attempts.

grammadidi · Mar 28, 2007, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by sypher373

I guess I just feel bad about ignoring her. I still have feelings for her, and I dont want to come across as a total a**hole. I guess i dont have a choice though.

Excuse me?? You feel bad about ignoring someone who broke up with YOU because she had feelings for someone else?? You don't want to come across as a total a**hole?? Mister, honestly... your continuing contact despite what she has told you makes you look like a stupid total a**hole. Get a grip here! You have a ton of people telling you that you are doing the right thing by not having contact with her. Just who are you afraid might judge you otherwise? Her?? She should respect that you are finding this way too painful. Quite frankly, if she cares about you at all she will not think that you are an a**hole to deal with this in a mature, sensible way.

Look, we have no investment in telling you to have no contact. I'm not a bitter guy trying to make all women pay for one woman who broke up with me! I have a counselling background and many more years of experience in life that you have. There are others on here who have gone or are going through the same thing and they are telling you they feel your pain but they are healed/healing because they have stuck to their guns.

IF you really want to heal then you MUST stop all contact. If you are still so afraid of what she (or other people) think, then tell her that you do want to be friends but for right now you need absolutely NO contact for at least three months. I don't really think it is good for you to put a time limit on it, but if that will help you heal then it's better to do that than what you are doing. The main thing is that you need to act and believe it's over forever. That way, if it is, you won't be back where you are now six months from now, and if it's not, you will be strong enough to make a conscious choice if this is really what you want.

For the reasons already explained by many, I urge you to have no contact. Besides, how will she ever know what life is like without you in it? Having contact with her is not good or fair to either one of you and will never resolve your issues. You need to step outside of the circle and see this with unbiased eyes. Do you really want to heal?? If so, I feel that there is only one way. Why don't you at least give it a chance?? You came here for advice and it has been pretty consistent. Why not listen to it?

Hugs, Didi

Skell · Mar 28, 2007, 03:53 PM

No I'm not saying to assume that, don't assume anything. I may have been a little off with that comment about the other guy but she has shown interest. You and I both know how things can work. I don't know her like you and it is good to have trust in people. And a necessity in the person we love. But in situations like this some people say and do things that are out for character. They deal with things differently than they ever have before. It is a time when you should only trust yourself. And if you trust within yourself that everyhting she is saying is true than I will trust you too. But you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Okay?

Im not being harsh with you. As I have said all along I know your pain. I am only trying to help. I know how when we are in this world of pain that our judgment and thinking becomes clouded and we only see what we want to see. Sometimes we need the help of strangers to help us see a little more of the situation. That's all I'm trying to do. Not judge or hurt you more.

I just want you to go and read every post and every bit of advice you have gotten again and determine what you think the best course of action is.

Once again, you aren't the bad guy. Not at all. She has asked for space and broken up with you. By you taking some space yourself and looking after your own interests it isn't being an a$$hole. It is being human!! And if she can't respect that then frankly your better off without her!

Skell · Mar 28, 2007, 03:54 PM

Had to spread it but well said didi!

sypher373 · Mar 28, 2007, 03:55 PM

Well,
To be completely honest, I have wanted to keep no contact for a while now. I assumed that when I asked, she would listen to that and not contact me. I suppose I had trouble ignoring her attempts for contact (obviously). I have known for a while that no contact is what I need to do, and I am just as aware of that now.

What I didn't realize is that answering/responding to her is just as bad as picking up the phone and calling her. Guess I needed that kick in the pants, and I got it...

Thanks for straightening me out :)

grammadidi · Mar 28, 2007, 04:07 PM

Originally Posted by Skell

Had to spread it but well said didi!!

:)

Thank you, Skell. It just occurred to me that perhaps the reason this gal is so confused is because the other guy doesn't care for her as much as she wants him to. She may just want what she can't have. :D

Didi

sypher373 · Mar 28, 2007, 04:34 PM

Skell,

I hate to admit it, but that comment about her "mucking around with the other guy" is starting to tear me up. I know its silly for me to be bothered by this so much, but for some reason the thought of her having any physical relationship with anyone still kills me.

I know we are through, and its none of my business, but for some reason the thoughts still eat me up.

--EDIT--

I came back to edit this after a trip to the gym... After thinking for a while, it still upsets be a lot, but I can say that I'm making some progress. I am quite upset about it, but it doesn't put me in tears anymore, and I don't feel as if I'm on the verge of a panic attack any longer... I suppose that is progess

Skell · Mar 28, 2007, 06:41 PM

I didn't mean it to tear you up. Sorry about that. But you are sort of in this fantasy land where you seem to think that everything is going to be OK. And if you just keep being the nice guy and answering all her calls then she will come around. Not going to happen!

We are only trying to offer you advice that will best serve you and help you begin to heal. Answering her calls and being there for her won't help you in any way.

Keep going to the gym. Do things to take your mind of it all.

sypher373 · Mar 28, 2007, 08:46 PM

I know it wasn't intentional, and I know I need to get over it.

I have been doing a lot of thinking tonight, and I realize that the only thing that still really tears me up is the fact that she may be with someone else. The funny thing is, everything she has told me goes against the fact that she is. I use what she has said to help me feel better, and I know that is not the solution. I need to get myself to a state where it doesn't matter what happens, because it is not my issue any longer.

I am done answering calls, responding to text messages... all of that. Yes, I am still sad that we are not together, and I wish that things didn't happen this way but they did. It just seems that the last hurdle for me is accepting that she may be with someone else. Trust me, that hurdle is huge... I am doing my best to try and accept the fact, because I don't think I will ever get over it without accepting it, though accepting it is an extremely painful process so far.

I do have an appointment to talk with someone tomorrow, and I am making a list of things I wish to say. This will prevent me from repeating myself and sounding like a dumba**, and make sure I don't miss anything I want to say. One of the main points I will bring up is the fact that I cannot get over this, and I believe it is due mostly to my insecurities and the fact that I can't seem to just have faith and trust what I've been told.

Thanks for all the helps guys. I can see myself being better in the future, though I know the road is rough.

Skell and Didi,
I want to especially thank you guys. I know that I seem like I am not taking the advice into consideration, and I think I have just been using the support to feel better and not reading into it deep enough. I have since gone back and reread the entire thread a few times, and I picked up on things I missed. Soemtimes it helps to read the info more than once...

Originally Posted by skell

Listen to me here. I have been through what your going through. very very similar. I felt all these feelings. I laid there all night worrying and crying and thinking the most insane things that now i look back were never true.

Skell, I think you know what I am feeling more than I pereviously thought. I am quite certain that exact sentence sums up what I am doing, and probably under the same circumstances.

Skell · Mar 28, 2007, 10:06 PM

My word I know exactly how your feeling and exactly what your thinking. We all do. It was not that long ago that I felt like you do now. And that's why I'm trying my best to help you through it in the way in which I think will be best for you. Learn from my mistakes. I made plenty and if I can help others not make them then it is worth every minute I try.

You have absolutely no idea how miserable and bad I actually was. In fact every now and then I still am. But very rarely now.

It doesn't feel like it but it does get better and eventually you will like the person you have become a whole lot more than the one you were!

sypher373 · Mar 29, 2007, 10:13 AM

Hey friends,

Just updating again. In a couple of hours I my meeting with the counselor, which I am actually sort of nervous about. I spent some time writing down thoughts, so I am organized when I get there, I'm just afraid that I'm hoping for something they cannot provide me with. I know I am the only one who can make myself feel better.

My biggest issue is still the fact that she may be with someone else, but I have made a mental list of everything which supports and opposes that fact, and its obvious that the opposition to that is much greater than the support. That makes me feel a little more at ease. I also find myself switching between being able to think about it an accept it, and thinking about it and being completely destroyed. Sure it makes me sad, but it is becoming more often that I don't feel as hopeless when I think about it.

I find comfort in knowing I did not do anything wrong, and she truly is missing out by leaving me. Maybe she will realize what she has lost someday, but until she does, there is no reason for me to even think of being her friend or any sort of new relationship. I still wish that she would text me, though I know it would only make it harder because then I would have to not respond. It is easier to not initiate contact, than to not respond.

I will let you guys know how I am feeling after my meeting.

Thanks all :)

sypher373 · Mar 29, 2007, 01:16 PM

Well I just got back from my appointment...

To be honest, I don't feel like I got very much accomplished. I explained the stiuation to him, and he commented, more than once, that he was hearing a lot of SHE and not much ME. I know that I am thinking/talking about her a lot, and I guess that is an issue.

I have come to realize that I don't care how much she has hurt me, all I want is her back. I still think at times that I can't be as happy as I was with anyone else, and all I want is her. What hurts the most, is that these feelings are returned. I guess this is the reason that I find it so hard to let go. Even two months later, all I want is her. I can't help but hold out hope that she will come around, and we can be back the way we were. I know it isn't smart, but I think I would take her back, after taking it slow.

Didi, I think you were right earlier when yo usaid that she filled a need in me that I cannot fill. I have never been satisfied with myself, and being with her made me feel whole. It made me feel complete and important, and now I feel like I will never have that again. She gave me the self esteem that I never had. Going to the gym is one way in which I am trying to get some of that self esteem back. I have also ordered a book online which I hope will help me to accept me for who I am, thus making me more attractive.

I can't help but worry that I am trying to improve myself to bring her back. Im actually quite at ease right now, I just know that all I want is her to be mine and only mine. I think the reason I'm so upset is that I honestly think there is a good chance she will come back - but I know I can't think this way.

I apologize because I am sure this post was ALL over the place, but I needed to write things down. Thanks for listening.

Skell · Mar 29, 2007, 03:21 PM

It is unfair in her and even unfairer on yourself to expect someone else to fill the gaps in your life. That is very unhealthy and a huge reason why many relationships fall apart.

You can fill that place inside you that she filled, but you have to do it alone. You need this time on your own to build that self esteem, and become satisfied with yourself. In fact more than satisfied. You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.

If you were to get back with her now then it would fail again. I am very confident of that. See it all the time. When people use others to fill voids in their life it never works. Sure it is great for the first part but eventually when another void opens that the partner can't fill then the whole thing starts to unravel.

You sort of need to look at it like this. You need to fill all the personal voids in your life yourself before you fill the relationship void or it just won't work. If your not happy and comfortable on your own then it is so unhealthy to use someone else to help you feel happy and comfortable. And that is a tough thing to grasp. Something that I am still doing and a reason why I am still single. I am still finding myself and until such time as I am completely comfortable with who I am then I'm not even thinking about a relationship.

grammadidi · Mar 29, 2007, 03:52 PM

Originally Posted by Skell

I am still finding myself and until such time as i am completely comfortable with who i am then im not even thinking about a relationship.

EXACTLY! If you enter a relationship and use the other person to fulfill things in you that you have not learned to fulfill within yourself the relationship probably won't work! Your partner will get tired of being the secure one, or the funny one, or the smart one and will seek out someone that they can be on equal terms with. Sure, sure, you will each compliment each other... but things like self-esteem, intelligence, etc have to be on fairly equal grounds to allow you both to grow together.

Don't give up just because one meeting with a counsellor didn't help. He was right. Fill in the blanks with what YOU need and want in life OUTSIDE of a relationship with her. YOU MUST ASSUME THAT YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER IN ORDER FOR THIS TO WORK!

Keep trying... and listen to Skell. He really is doing well and has a lot of great first-hand information.

Hugs, Didi

X-stream87 · Mar 29, 2007, 04:14 PM

Right now you are going through a depressive state of mind due to the end of your relationship and trust me it happens to everyone. It is a long winding road, somedays you will feel really good and then the next be back where you are. What you might need to do is not enlist the help of a counselor but better yet the help of a close friend, a therapist/councellor will usually just listen to you, but finding a close friend to listen and impart wisdom much like you have found on this website will be very helpful more so than anything else I know it worked for me and I am sure it will work for you to.

Good luck soon you will feel better just give it some more time and continue to concentrate on yourself.

sypher373 · Mar 29, 2007, 04:26 PM

Thanks guys,

That all means a lot. One thing that bothered me about the guy I met with is that he suggested that I start seeing other people and think about dating. I don't think this is the right move, as I am not nearly ready for this. I think it will be a long time before I seek anything with anyone else, and I'm fine with that.

Skell, I know that I need to become happy with myself, and don't mistake what I was saying before for what I am trying to do. I was simply trying to write down what was running though my mind. I know that is all emotional talk, and none of it is sensible, and I have no intention of remaining hung up on this... trust me I want to feel better :)

Originally Posted by grammadid

Your partner will get tired of being the secure one, or the funny one, or the smart one and will seek out someone that they can be on equal terms with.

Didi,
I found that sort of funny because I had thought along those lines - the funny thing is I was talking to her at one time in the past and trying to see what it was in him that attracted her. What I found, is that she was actually threatened by me, because I am quite a good student, and have also been almost straight A's, and she has always struggled with school. She said she enjoyed the fact that she is better at what she does than he is, and he comes to her for help... I guess it's a sort of ego boost.

Right now, I am doing everything I can to be happy with myself. I know no one will love me if I don't love myself... Thanks for all the encourgagment. Im not discouraged by the session not going as I wanted it to, and I am going again on Tuesday. I figure it nothing else, it is nice to talk to someone in person and get some things off my chest. I am smart enough to know what I need to do, and what I am ready for, and I will stick to it.

One last question, I just found that I had gotten a job that I have applied for this summer. During the conversation part of the breakup, she had asked me to let her know if I ever heard anything about it, and I don't know if I should inform her. I really don't want to have any contact with her, so I don't think I will... however, she also got a job that I asked her to keep me posted on, and one of the reasons she contacted me after I asked for no contact... I know I'm not the bad guy, I just don't want to seem like I wanted her to let me know, but I turned around and was the hypocrite... Someone just yell at me so I don't do it :)

Thanks again

grammadidi · Mar 29, 2007, 04:39 PM

DON'T DO IT!!!!!... howssat?? :D

I actually wanted to tell you that I am proud of you. If you read your first couple of posts then read your last couple, you have come a LONG way!

It will keep getting easier...

Didi

sypher373 · Mar 29, 2007, 06:39 PM

Thanks Didi,
I feel like I am doing better as well, but I know I will have ups and downs. Next time Im having a down, ill come on here, instead of looking to her to make me happy :)

I know once I am happy with myself, I won't have to use other people to make myself feel better, I will be capable of that. That's an exciting thing to look forward to.

Skell · Mar 29, 2007, 08:24 PM

No, don't tell her. Your looking for excuses to contact her. Why does she need to know? She doesn't.

Like it or not she isn't part of your life at the moment. She doesn't exist!