[NeckerCube]

They're back together.

[NeckerCube]

Thanks Talaniman.

[mystific]

They're back together.

So.. they moved on... you're the one that got left behind

[NeckerCube]

... and now I'm Lost.

[amicon]

Only so long as you allow yourself to stay lost.

[talaniman]

Go find yourself. We all haveto at some point in our lives. I'm still looking myself.

[mystific]

... and now I'm Lost.

Umm.. no.. you're being self indulgent, weak and self pitying.

There's always an 'excuse'.. always a 'reason' why you can't do this or can't do that... you're so caught up in you and your 'woahs me' BS.. you push everyone away.. and make it worse for yourself.

You have been given more help by qualified / life experienced people here who all you've done and said is make lame a$$, pathetic sob stories why it won't work, can't work, isn't working. But really you're doing NOTHING to help yourself.

I just think you enjoy the attention.. and then when you've sucked the essence of life from someone you move on, you 'lost' your friends.. you came here.. and now you have an endless supply of unknowns to feed your existence.

Forgodsake it was one break up. If you'd put your effort into moving on you would have done so by now and probably got yourself a new girlfriend.. or a life.

[NeckerCube]

... still at Work.

Time is moving slowly, not a good thing or a bad thing... but, it's just July.

It's weird being back here, but I'm here because I'm still searching for, "I want to call my ex," "how do I call my ex girlfriend," etc..

I'm getting off work in 15 minutes, and I don't know how much of an update I can fit in, but I got to go to the gym.

I was going to joke about suicide just now, but held back because jokes don't come across the same way as they are expressed in person.

Am I feeling Better? I want to say Yes, but **** no, I won't be better for a while, I just have better self control now.

A lot has happened since mystific got me thinking about killing myself (poking fun). My thoughts still jump around whenever I'm trying to vent... rant... so fast forward... my therapist is... what I like to call it... "breaking up with me."

It's silly, but that's what it feels like. And that's what I am going to discuss at our last session next week... about how our relationship had limits, and how the dynamics were laid out, and how I've come to interpret all we've talked about and now... now she has to let me go, and I have to let her go... silly right? I also feel like I have to tell her Everything, but we know Everything is an infinite amount... or endless so to speak... I will have 1 hour.

I've made Friends, well "Friends." Long story short, I bonded with someone who moved into the house I live in, then he introduced me to his co workers, and now we hang out... but, things aren't so sweet because they're all Moving On at the end of August.

Which freaks me out because it'd be last year or a couple months ago, all over again.

I'm still upset. I'm still angry. I'm still sad. I'm still depressed. Just I've got distractions. Oh oh, I've improved on guitar... now learning Classical Gas.

But where was I? Yeah, I'm really worried about losing all my "friends" again...

It really helps to have Friends; and hugs help too, random, but yeah, I asked one of the girl friends I hang out with for a hug and... I slept like a baby that night. Oh yes, rewind, I'm suffering from insomnia, I'm suffering still, but hugs help... but it is awkward because I "barely" know these people... I'm still the guy that is just tagging along because I don't work with them, and on top of that, I don't live with them; they all live in the same apartment complex 2.5 miles away...

But I'm thankful to have found People. Real People. But did I say I'm scared ****less about losing all of them?

Ok. Gym Time. Maybe I'll come back with more updates... but I've cut this stuff out... I haven't written a letter in a while, never called ex, yeah..

[talaniman]

Your tone was so different, I almost asked for ID! :D You may not feel better(?), but you sound like your doing better, and that's something positive.

[amicon]

I'd say you are better,and life is getting better-and hugs do help so here's a cyber one.><

[mystific]

A lot has happened since mystific got me thinking about killing myself (poking fun).

I'd poke you back in jest if you were local.

I'm happy to see you're slowly coming around this very long (& painful) corner.

<distant hugs>

[NeckerCube]

... totally forgot all of This is still living on the Internet.

A lot has changed since my last response. So, I'm just going to name some things that happened in the past 3 months... wait a minute it's only been three months?

Anyway, got rear-ended in my car in October; bought a Harley Sportster, and crashed it first day of riding; I'm back on Facebook; I stopped seeing my therapist (no reasonable transportation); I am growing a beard; not going to the gym anymore (transportation excuse); my Ibanez RG350MDX died; looking to learn to play piano/keyboard - starting with Fur Elise; still playing classical guitar; making the same salary; living in the same place; no girlfriend... no real friends...

Oh ficks, you see how the last part got all depressing? I still do that... Depression.

Oh almost forgot, I adopted a cat named Walther.

... now back to Work.

[Cat1864]

Thanks for the update and congratulations on your new family member.

Are you working out whether you go to the gym or not?

If you aren't going to therapy are you at least keeping up with other things that can help with Depression such a s eating healthy, getting enough sleep, getting out of the house and not allowing yourself to spiral downward, etc.

Good luck with learning piano and Fur Elise. It is a beautiful piece of music.

How are you doing with the classical guitar? If you feel confident enough, practicing in your local park can be a good way to meet people.

[pandead]

Hi again Necker, three months already?

It's not really depressing, actually, you ARE doing things, no matter what they are. You know you needed time (and probably more than three months!) You want to look different, it's a good thing. "Starting over" with piano sounds good too (dude, Fur Elise, seriously?) when you take a closer look at it, your life is getting better, slowly.

We love the updates here. Keep us posted :) Good luck with the rest!!

[NeckerCube]

Thank you for your comments Pandead and Cat.

Playing guitar at the park? That is such an awesome idea. Riding a motorcycle with a classical guitar strapped to my back? Is it impossible? Let's wait for the next update to find out!

It will probably take another quarter for me to start really learning piano, and yes, Fur Elise; I probably can't finish the piece, but learning the beginning part is awesome enough haha. It's like how I'm doing with Classical Gas, I only know like 55% of the song. Then again, I've just been lazy learning the rest, and also been having a blast just making up my own tunes.

Unfortunately, I have no Will Power right now; the past two months have been rough; I've been seeing a chiropractor like twice a week since I got hit; I also got tossed off my motorcycle when I crashed it into a curb, wayyyyy too much throttle, the bike stood up mid turn, rear tire spin... I got lucky I ended up on my back with minor road rash and a bruised palm/thumb. The fire station was half a block away. So like ten firemen came to my rescue. Reminded me of the days I wanted to be a Firefighter/Paramedic.

Anyway, not working out at gym or at home. I've been using a Power Ball for my wrist. That's about it. I've been eating unhealthier, mostly starving myself because I can't get easy access to food living on a hill and a newbie on a motorcycle.

I've been smoking cigarettes/marijuana more often than before. I haven't been getting much sleep as usual. Winter season is rough.

I cut my dosing of medication in half as well. Three-hundred Em Gee of Bupropion (2 pills); it's more a I am in control move, kind of like in the past where I cut meds cold turkey, actually as I do with all Drugs. So I take one pill now; and I'm never going to stop taking them ever again because both times in the past resulted in bad experiences.

Walther, my cat, is a handful. He is about 9 months old now (human years, what the hell with animal years? ). He lives in my bedroom, and I can't let him out, house rules. And I am scared to let him outside... there are coyotes and mountain lions here, as well as a major highway, like a major major one where it cuts through my community. So basically if Walther wanders outside my community perimeter, he would end up on a highway.

I was thinking the other day, Sad thoughts, how things would be when Walther dies. It's a horrible thought, but really, I was sad, I almost cried. Anyway...

I also miss my therapist. I was "seeing" her for like a year... when we saw each other less, and from what she was telling me, it was like she was breaking up with me... silly, but that's how I felt.

My birthday is coming up, the 17th... 24... and there's so much more. Live alone in a Paradise that makes me think of Two (Neil Young).

Did I say I'm growing a beard for the first time; I have like 23.9% Doubt that I will accomplish the goal of a Beard. It freaken itches, and it's not even thick... and I don't even know if it can get thicker. We'll see. And actually, there's a company event next week, so I might have to shave. Blargs.

Sigh.

Well.

Thanks Pandead and Cat for being here. Hope you all are doing well.

[talaniman]

Boy you sound so much better than you did before, I am very glad for you!

Beards are cool, motorcycles are dangerous because to many idiot on the road who can't drive. Be careful, and good luck.

[NeckerCube]

Thank you Talaniman. And heck yes motorcycles are dangerous, but I need Change.

I'm doing better... but I think it's because I have way more other stuff on my plate.

[NeckerCube]

It scares me how quickly I spiral into deep depression. Maybe it's because I've been smoking a couple cigarettes, then cutting off cold turkey, but regardless of that fact... I don't feel well...

I keep Hoping. I still want Her. It's stupid. I can't shake this feeling. Everything is getting out of hand because I'm unable to keep myself distracted. I'm stuck in a rut without the courage to Move. To do Something. Take action.

Do you all know the part in Fight Club, where the main character talks about buying stuff from catalogs... I do that, not from catalogs, but from Amazon.

I want to blow up my place... like he did. I want an Imaginary Friend because I'm really Lonely inside.

I watched Magnolia last night... and that got me thinking even more...

I need to meet new people, make new friends... find a place where I belong. It feels like I don't belong Here. And I'm starting to think I don't belong any where. I see people, people I know around me, fitting in just fine, they have their groups, they have their hobbies, they have their friends... me? I try, but it never works out. I'm really not awkward, just depressed. I see my room mates, and I compare... and I ask myself, what's wrong with me.. I'm really curious because I take care of myself, I know how to do things... lots of things... and I want to learn more...

Is it some kind of Ugly I am unaware of? Is there something on my face?

I've said all this before...

Maybe it's time to Travel. Time to go on a single man journey... forget every one else... and just Go.

Forrest Gump ran across the country... maybe I should do that.. . wish I could...

[talaniman]

Take a chill pill dude, you know the routine.

[NeckerCube]

Hey All,

I'm back... just realized... again... that this is still living on the Internets. Figure I'd update every one...

My best friend reached out a while back and now we're talking again... like normal.

I'm literally chatting with him as we speak.

I got a girl's number last night.

I am still taking meds, and will probably continue for the rest of my Life.

And that's about it, I still live at the same place, in the same town, have the same name, and cat, and a motorcycle, and I'm not happy.. yet.

But getting there. Getting there...