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Larken85 · Apr 25, 2010, 11:01 PM

Yes I agree amicon. You are not one of the people I was talking about. They know who they are. I even referenced things they said, she yeah, they know just who they are. And they have been reported as well. Hopefully that will stop them. But who knows.

I am glad its back too, that way I get to vent about the relationship. Eventually, if things in it do not get better or to where I want them to be, I will get tired of trying and I will move on. But its just so hard to do it right now, I've invested a lot of time into the relationship and I am just not ready to quit trying you know.

Sometimes I wish I was ready, but then I think I am making a bad mistake. And I know it may not seem like a mistake to leave, but for some reason I just feel like I am supposed to stay for now. I don't quite get why I feel like that but that is how I feel.

Like there is a purpose to me staying and continuing to love her. I don't know what is so immature about that but I don't care if its immature either. I am just following the path in which I believe to be true for the moment I guess.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 25, 2010, 11:07 PM

Originally Posted by Larken85

yes I agree amicon. You are not one of the people I was talking about. They know who they are. I even referenced things they said, she yeah, they know just who they are. And they have been reported as well. Hopefully that will stop them. But who knows.

I am glad its back too, that way I get to vent about the relationship. Eventually, if things in it do not get better or to where I want them to be, I will get tired of trying and I will move on. But its just so hard to do it right now, I've invested a lot of time into the relationship and I am just not ready to quit trying ya know.

sometimes I wish I was ready, but then I think I am making a bad mistake. And I know it may not seem like a mistake to leave, but for some reason I just feel like I am supposed to stay for now. I don't quite get why I feel like that but that is how I feel.

Like there is a purpose to me staying and continuing to love her. I don't know what is so immature about that but I don't care if its immature either. I am just following the path in which I believe to be true for the moment I guess.

We all have our own path to follow and our own paths to walk. Hopefully this experience will help you grow as a person. It seems your calmer and more relaxed but please do not get rude about things OK. When things get rude that is when trouble brews and people get upset and frustrated on both sides.

Take care and hope you work through all these issues that you have personally and your relationship issues.

Good luck,

Joe

Larken85 · Apr 25, 2010, 11:12 PM

Joe, I really wasn't trying to be rude on that one comment. I sounded a little rude, I grant you that, but that's not how I meant it. I am sorry for offending anyone and I would like to stop the trouble from brewing.

Thank you for the take care and what not. I will learn eventually I'm sure.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 25, 2010, 11:16 PM

Well its time to move forward from that. Time to move past it and go back to why we are all here. To learn and grow and guide each other in this life.

jmjoseph · Apr 26, 2010, 01:19 AM

I've tried to be as straight with you as I can, and will continue to try and help you. I just think that you are caught between the good and the bad, and the bad is winning.

I'm actually glad they reopened this. I feel for you.

Good luck.

Larken85 · Apr 26, 2010, 02:32 AM

I am caught between the good and the bad. The goods are the best, the bads suck. I weight it back and forth all the time, trying to figure out which one wins out but once I think I figured it out it loses balance.

Our relationship is volitile to say the least. Toxic, maybe. I really hate to look at it this way but I am 24 and I have time to learn. I have the time to take from my life right now and one of my driving factors is, "How will I know if I never try" and "what if I waste taking the chance while I am still young. The older I get the less time I have and while I still have free time I can make mistakes." That's really my mindset. Its probably a bad one to have, but I've convinced myself that this is the way I want to look at things right now.

Larken85 · Apr 26, 2010, 03:25 AM

Here is a question, If she ever does let me move in, during the summer the kids will be with us as their father is not going to take them this summer. She is trying to get a job now (she filled out an application to a temp agency for part time work). If the kids are home, and she is working a few days a week, do I still have the right to take Joe time? I mean I love kayaking and Hiking, if they are all home should I feel obligated to bring them with me or is it selfish to want to go out without them?

I am kind of fearing this summer as if it is going to put a huge cramper in my free time and what not. I guess if I wasn't willing to include them in everything and stay around them all the time I should have thought about that a long time ago huh?

And its not that I mind spending time with her or the kids 90% of the time. But there is that 10% of freedom I still have and I hope it doesn't get cut down. I already feel bad for wanting to take some of our family time for myself and I haven't even talked to her about this yet. So I guess, what is your take on it? In my situation (regardless of the issues with the relationship) how would you feel about getting time to yourself. And how much time is too much time?
Generally speaking, my entire weekend day is devoted to me and the weekend nights are devoted to her. I really have no contact with the kids during this time at the moment and I am just wondering if I should feel like I have to if she is not working at the time.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 26, 2010, 03:27 AM

The question you have to answer for yourself. Is how long are you going to keep trying until you realize the truth and that this relationship is toxic and that your just spinning your wheels and continue to spin your wheels without ever getting any where? I hope for your sake instead of always looking for the unhappy relationship and instead of continuing in something that is way too negative for you and your partner,

That maybe down the line you will actually look and want to be in a happy, loving relationship.

Larken85 · Apr 26, 2010, 03:31 AM

Nice sintimate Joe. I hope that eventually I find happiness, be it with her or another person. Happiness is my goal...

JoeCanada76 · Apr 26, 2010, 03:31 AM

Originally Posted by Larken85

here is a question, If she ever does let me move in, during the summer the kids will be with us as their father is not going to take them this summer. She is trying to get a job now (she filled out an application to a temp agency for part time work). If the kids are home, and she is working a few days a week, do I still have the right to take Joe time? I mean I love kayaking and Hiking, if they are all home should I feel obligated to bring them with me or is it selfish to want to go out without them?

I am kinda fearing this summer as if it is going to put a huge cramper in my free time and what not. I guess if I wasn't willing to include them in everything and stay around them all the time I should have thought about that a long time ago huh?

And its not that I mind spending time with her or the kids 90% of the time. But there is that 10% of freedom I still have and I hope it doesn't get cut down. I already feel bad for wanting to take some of our family time for myself and I haven't even talked to her about this yet. So I guess, what is your take on it? In my situation (regardless of the issues with the relationship) how would you feel about getting time to yourself. And how much time is too much time?
Generally speaking, my entire weekend day is devoted to me and the weekend nights are devoted to her. I really have no contact with the kids during this time at the moment and I am just wondering if I should feel like I have to if she is not working at the time.

If you do not have any Joe time, Or you do not make your own Joe time. Your feeling bad for taking time for yourself. Well you should not, you need it, a lot more of it and truth be told that if you do not have that. Then your You will crash and burn and feel worse at summertime end.

Everybody needs there own time, and own things to do. She has her shopping and going out and spending money. Why not your time being outdoors doing what you enjoy. It is only fair don't you think. If it was me It would be a major relief having my own time.

Larken85 · Apr 26, 2010, 03:33 AM

I got to talk to her about my freedom though. I doubt very much that she will like what I have to say, but I am starting to feel a little trapped with summer coming and all. It'll be good for me to talk to her about this. She will have to deal with it. THat is something I have to stand firm on because I do need that time. And that is something that is going to have to be included in our relationship. I will talk to her about this today

We haven't had a discussion about it yet, but we are going to. And I guess before she has a chance to tell me how things are going to be I will lay down the law with this one. I am not willing to give up my personal time and if that is something that she has a problem with then she is fighting a losing battle. (of course I have no clue how she is going to respond to this talk right this second so I guess she could say yeah sure hun, whatever you want)

amicon · Apr 26, 2010, 03:40 AM

Ask yourself-am I happy?
Does the good outweigh the bad?

Only you can answer those questions.

I think you realise,that to most people on the outside looking in,and going by your posts,this relationship comes across as ,yes,toxic.

What you decide to do about it is of course your choice.

Larken85 · Apr 26, 2010, 03:44 AM

Agreed amicon. But its just hard to decide. Sometimes the good wins, others the bad wins. It's a cycle of constant change in mood and feelings.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 26, 2010, 03:50 AM

A relationship should not be based on changing moods and feelings.

It should be based on if there is love there or not. If there is a solid foundation in the relationship or not. Which there is not.

Sitting on the fence all the time in your decision making is only going to make your situation only worse. A lot harder in making that decision when it comes down to the bottom of everything. That means you will always feel stuck but it will be the indecision that will keep you always in that mess.

Larken85 · Apr 26, 2010, 04:01 AM

Hmm... maybe it is time I tell her all of my feelings. Even if it hurts her... Even if I'm scared to...

JoeCanada76 · Apr 26, 2010, 04:16 AM

I have told this to family members, people outside of my family and strangers.

That the longer you prolong things, oh and I experienced it myself too.

The longer you try to avoid confrontations with loved ones no matter who they are. The longer you try to do everything for them. The longer you keep everything inside that is making you unhappy. When you finally decide enough is enough,

And come out with everything it will be like a big time bomb and it will explode big and make you and everyone around explode as well.

The longer you leave things, believe me when the time comes to let everything out the reaction will be a 100 times worse.

Have to start learning how to share what you feel, and do it now. Even though it will be hard, or it will never happen and will turn into something so huge it will be even harder to handle when the time comes to eventually face up to the big bad mountain of a hill created by yourself.

By sharing things now, and learning how to open up you will hopefully avoid that eventual blow out down the road when things get so unbearable that everything comes out all at once.

Larken85 · Apr 26, 2010, 04:19 AM

Great advice Joe. I will take that to heart. It is time for me to tell her how I feel about everything. I hate to ruin the good time we've been having but if it needs done (which it does) I has to be done.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 26, 2010, 04:24 AM

Honestly, and if it does cause trouble, know that the longer its left, it will even be a bigger disaster then if you do it now. I am not saying come out with everything and anything but if you feel it is that time then do it. The thing is from that point on and forward you need to try to be more honest with your feelings to her and then maybe things will be better down the road instead of always building them up inside until everything explodes makes sense right?

Larken85 · Apr 26, 2010, 04:30 AM

You know you're right. Honestly if I keep telling her how I feel and she doesn't like it, then it will come to an end anyway. If she accepts it and helps out then things will get better and better. I don't think she wants a free spirit, but that's what she got when she got with me and although I have really repressed that side of me, its time to be true to myself. I am locking myself away at the moment and I really need to come out with it and get things done

JoeCanada76 · Apr 26, 2010, 04:44 AM

Good to hear...

You know what when you try to make somebody happy all the time by doing everything. And it is only one sided.

It takes away from yourself as a person and eventually you do things that is not right for you it will eat away at you.

Did for years with a certain family member, and I just ended up getting crapped on in the end, and all I did was everything for that person. Near the end, I could not handle it anymore and I turned out to be the bad guy in that persons eye and in the eyes of other family members too.

For me though, to take care of myself for a change and my own family wife and child and not worry about anything else was more important. The stress of it all was effecting everyone and the best thing I did was end that situation with that family member.

Let me tell you it was hard to do but the best decision I made. That is just from personal experience which you have to go through yourself to understand.