[KISS]

I think you need a medication. Let a doc decide.

[asking]

Do I really need medication and therapy, or just to stop doing for anyone but myself?
The liver function test, I understand. I just don't really understand myself. I don't know if I have an illness or am just eccentric with low self esteem..

It doesn't matter if what's bothering you has a name (i.e. it's an illness) or not. You need some kind of help from someone who can help figure out the answer to that question, and, more important, get better.

I have to keep this short today.

[give2me1lemons]

I told off creepy guy, finally. I can't rely on him for validation. I had to hurt him a little to help him, but he needed to get I was bad for him anyway.

I told the 26 year old I left college and my new plan. I told him if he wants to talk, I'm here, but I won't make his life anymore complicated than it already is. He knows how to find me, but I know he won't.

I won't talk to friends or family (except for one of my best friends and if anyone bothers to reach me) until things are more in motion. They disapprove of my dropping out anyway and are never satisfied. They are always asking me what comes next.

I know my mind is different, but I don't know what that translates to. I think if I keep distracted and busy, I won't fall into that rut again. I'm afraid of what drugs would do to me. Stabalize me maybe, but then maybe I'd be boring (more boring?), too.

I could keep talking on here as long as people responded. However, I think I need to step back and let people who are more proactive get the advice I can't quite seem to take.

I know I should get a liver function test and some kind of help or advice from a professional. I know I need to stop hurting myself. Maybe someday I can achieve this.


Thank you all for your support and advice. I don't quite want to step back, but I think you have probably done all you can for me.

[KISS]

I know my mind is different, but I don't know what that translates to. I think if I keep distracted and busy, I won't fall into that rut again. I'm afraid of what drugs would do to me. Stabalize me maybe, but then maybe I'd be boring (more boring?), too.

Stop drugs. Back to square 1. Nothing lost If your distracted, you cannot make good decisions.

I could keep talking on here as long as people responded. However, I think I need to step back and let people who are more proactive get the advice I can't quite seem to take.

Makes little sense to me except the first line.

I know I should get a liver function test and some kind of help or advice from a professional. I know I need to stop hurting myself. Maybe someday I can achieve this.

Then do, what was suggested. What HARM can come of it?


Thank you all for your support and advice. I don't quite want to step back, but I think you have probably done all you can for me.

[give2me1lemons]

By drugs I mean antidepressants. I'm wary of how they would change me.

I think if I keep moving, I won't get depressed again.

I think other people are more willing to help themselves and deserve the advice and dedication I've been receiving. I'm not sure I'm ready..

Thank you.



EDIT: I just realized-even if I was ready, I can't get help now anyway. I'm 18 and not attending college nor employed, therefore I have no insurance. The liver function test isn't going to happen now either. Universal healthcare has my vote..

[give2me1lemons]

Tell me.. what makes people think if you don't go to college then you'll be nothing? What entitles them to make you feel like sh*t? Why is it that even someone who went to college for four years, did nothing with their degree, and now works at a job they hate, albeit successfully, thinks little of me for leaving after a week? Why does my sister, who went to two separate colleges she hated before going online for a degree she doesn't need and doesn't care about (never studies or reads the material) but is still successful, think I'm a quitter? Why does my friend, who has a worse track record with absences in high school, almost didn't go to college, and last minute ended up commuting to a community college (he started classes today), feel he can say "what a shame, I thought you'd stick it out" when I tell him what I decided. Why does my grandmother threaten to "fix" me if I lived with her, actually believing she has to make me get a job and pay rent and tell me it's not a vacation like I'm some selfish parolee when I suggested rent in a heartbeat and don't want to burden her in the first place? Why when I confide in my two closest friends about how I really felt and what was really going on do I get "holy sh*t, that's not good, no one should have to live like that" and "whattt? are you okay? tell me next time"? Maybe I'm asking too much, but I don't really feel the support.

Then my sister asking me how I plan to get the money to volunteer (after I already told her I need a job before I can do it). Then her response to my job hunt thus far and my consideration of two full time jobs; "definitely...then you can put your phone in your name". I see that as very passive aggressive, and like she wants to cut ties with me. I told her to cancel it, as I have before. I told her I can't afford it right now.

Why can't I make anyone see how I'm hurting? Why can't I find any tangible support? Am I really such a horrible person?
Then I help my friend last night and agree to spend six hours in the car with her so she can try to fix things up with her stupid boyfriend that doesn't care about her, and she thanks me for being there for her. All I really want is someone there for me.

Maybe I made the wrong decision-I don't know. I just know how miserable I was surrounded by my peers and that I felt like I couldn't fix things on my own. Being miserable fed up everything there for me.

It's so hard to just stay silent.

[asking]

Hi Lemons,
I had some health stuff this week, but I'm feeling better and wanted to check in a bit.

Tell me.. what makes people think if you don't go to college then you'll be nothing? What entitles them to make you feel like sh*t? Why is it that even someone who went to college for four years, did nothing with their degree, and now works at a job they hate, albeit successfully, thinks little of me for leaving after a week? Why does my sister, who went to two separate colleges she hated before going online for a degree she doesn't need and doesn't care about (never studies or reads the material) but is still successful, think I'm a quitter? Why does my friend, who has a worse track record with absences in high school, almost didn't go to college, and last minute ended up commuting to a community college (he started classes today), feel he can say "what a shame, I thought you'd stick it out" when I tell him what I decided.

Well, there are probably different reasons for each person. The main thing is that all this stuff tells you something about THEM, not about you. I'm guessing most of them are disappointed in themselves to varying degrees and so they get it out by projecting that feeling onto you. It stinks, and you can't stop people from saying whatever they want, but you can avoid people when they are talking that way. Also, you could calmly tell them that when they say things like that it makes you feel bad and you really want their support right now.

Why does my grandmother threaten to "fix" me if I lived with her, actually believing she has to make me get a job and pay rent and tell me it's not a vacation like I'm some selfish parolee when I suggested rent in a heartbeat and don't want to burden her in the first place?

That's so galling. I hate it when people do that--just assume the worst about a person. I'm disappointed that she says something like this to you. I was hoping she would be a kind and patient granny who would give you a safe place to recover your equanimity.

Why when I confide in my two closest friends about how I really felt and what was really going on do I get "holy sh*t, that's not good, no one should have to live like that" and "whattt? are you okay? tell me next time"? Maybe I'm asking too much, but I don't really feel the support.

Here I disagree. To me, it sounds like your friends are trying to be supportive and sympathetic and even offering support--"tell me next time."

What did it feel like they were saying?

Then my sister asking me how I plan to get the money to volunteer (after I already told her I need a job before I can do it). Then her response to my job hunt thus far and my consideration of two full time jobs; "definitely...then you can put your phone in your name". I see that as very passive aggressive, and like she wants to cut ties with me. I told her to cancel it, as I have before. I told her I can't afford it right now.

My sense here is that you are overreacting a little to some mildly insensitive remarks. She may just have forgotten for a minute about your telling her about getting a job. As for the phone, is it in her name? Why does she care about it? I'm guessing there's some issue here I don't know about. Also, how much older than you is she? You might have told me, but I forget.

Why can't I make anyone see how I'm hurting? Why can't I find any tangible support? Am I really such a horrible person?

Obviously you are not a horrible person! But you do seem angry. I'm not saying you don't have reason to be. But it's hard for people close to you to cope with that. They get defensive, say things they shouldn't, then maybe you do too. It's a vicious cycle that just makes things worse.

So it might help you if you could say here what you mean by "tangible support." What is it you want from someone?

Then I help my friend last night and agree to spend six hours in the car with her so she can try to fix things up with her stupid boyfriend that doesn't care about her, and she thanks me for being there for her. All I really want is someone there for me.

So ask her to be there for you! Did you talk about your problems during the six hours? If not, tell her you need someone to talk to and ask her to help you by listening. She may be distracted by her own heart break, but she might at least try. Sometimes though you have to find someone who doesn't already have huge problems of their own. Either way, give her a try.

Maybe I made the wrong decision-I don't know. I just know how miserable I was surrounded by my peers and that I felt like I couldn't fix things on my own. Being miserable fed up everything there for me.

It's so hard to just stay silent.

No need to stay silent.

As for a "wrong decision," there's no way for me to know how your decision will turn out, or probably for you either. It's made and you'll probably have some opinion about it in a few years, but really there's no benefit in second guessing yourself now. My opinion is that you made a good decision and that you can always go back later. But what do I know? :)

It's up to you to make your plans and you can't really turn to your family and friends for that. (Not that I'm saying you are... just that they can't really help with this.) They will tend to see you as still a youngster, instead of the adult you are trying to become. I'm thinking you need some kind of mentor, and older person who is not emotionally involved and who knows about the things that interest you, who can listen and help you find your own path.

[give2me1lemons]

I cannot believe you responded after I said you couldn't really help me anymore. The truth is, talking helps me, but I can't expect this thread to go on another twenty pages.

I wanted to say I did something proactive. I almost called poison control today to ask how messed up my liver is, if it is. Then I slept till noon and my parents were in and out, and I just decided it wasn't worth it. Like I said, no insurance anyway.

I have told them they make me feel bad. I told my sister to "stop" and she yelled at me, telling me not to get in her face (this was last Friday). She thinks it is her job to make sure I am ffully informed of my decisions. She told me basically that she's not judging me but even if she was, it shouldn't matter.

My gram didn't say all that to my face. She does love me and want the best for me. They all do. She just thinks she has to strong arm me in the right direction. Everyone gave me crap, even before I started college, to "get up and go to class". They can never just trust me to be responsible and handle my own. I'm the one hurt by my decisions, but they don't seem to believe I'll do what must be done. That hurts.

It felt like they were just doing what they thought they were expected to. I didn't really feel supported. I've always tried to go above and beyond for them. I don't by any means claim perfection. I just feel like my relationships are very unbalanced.

My sister is 22 (four years my elder). We were texting as well as we could with the awful service I get here. The phone is in her name because I didn't have a job, my parents couldn't afford a plan, and she is doing pretty well financially. It was her offer. I was supposed to get a job and pay after two months. I did not come through (I tried, but there's not much opportunity here), but she kept paying. I don't remember when it happened, but we did have a fight and I told her to cancel it. She never did. The fight was more about my going to college and her not wanting to cosign because she wanted to buy a house. The phone just got thrown into the mix. I kept it from my parents best I could (they were really pushing for her to cosign), but I told them I didn't want to drag her into my finances. They knew something was up (I'd been crying), but no one ever did cosign.

I want someone that can be there physically and emotionally if I need them. Not someone in another state that I met on the internet or someone so wrapped up in their own life that they can't at least make sure I'm okay. I want someone that will come after me when I push them away (as I so often do) because they know I really need them and that I'm just trying to do them a favor. It's asking a lot, I know.

The six hour drive will happen this Saturday (if she can get the car). She's always so busy. I don't know..

I used to be able to stay silent. Now I'm (too) vocal, it seems, but I still get no response.


I took this test that I've taken many times before sometime last night/early this morning. I think this is the most accurate it has ever been, at least in the symptoms..

Disorder Rating Information
Paranoid: High more info | forum

Schizoid: Moderate more info | forum

Schizotypal: Very High more info | forum

Antisocial: Moderate more info | forum

Borderline: Very High more info | forum

Histrionic: Moderate more info | forum

Narcissistic: Low more info | forum

Avoidant: Very High more info | forum

Dependent: Very High more info | forum

Obsessive-Compulsive: High


Personality Disorder Test - Personality Test


-------
I didn't realize you had health issues. I hope you are feeling better, asking.

[asking]

I cannot believe you responded after I said you couldn't really help me anymore. The truth is, talking helps me, but I can't expect this thread to go on another twenty pages.

I will write more later. But I laughed when you said you can't expect the thread to go on for another 20 pages.

Look at this one. It's 65 pages!
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-253785.html

Take care,
asking

[give2me1lemons]

Okay. I guess we'll see.

I just feel like such a loser right now. People's opinions of me matter way too much to me, and what I am trying to do will not be easy and is risky.

Plus it bothers me to no end that he (the 26 year old) won't talk to me. I should have known better than to trust him when he said I could get ahold of him anytime for anything. I'm so messed up for caring about and liking a guy I've never even met. I feel like I need to prove to him I'm somebody.

So much in my head right now..

[KISS]

Interesting YouTube video to watch:

YouTube - Dead Porn Stars Memorial www.shelleylubben.com

Not for the message that it conveys at the end, but the messgae that the video could convey in your situation. It's worth watching.

[give2me1lemons]

They're all so young and pretty. That's sad..

I see Anastasia Blue died of an actual tylenol overdose. I wonder how much she took.

At risk of you giving up on me completely, I took 18 yesterday, but not all at once. First eight, then I waited an hour or two (I'm really not sure) and took ten more. I felt/feel nothing. It didn't affect me at all, other than for the partial legit reason-it did relieve my cramps. That's why I took 14 that night-to feel something or nothing. The 26 year old actually questioned that-he asked why tylenol when it doesn't make you high or anything.

I go from feeling really good about my decision to feeling really lonely and hopeless (a loser). As with the benadryl, once it's gone, I have to stop. There's never any benadryl in the house now-I don't think so anyway. Maybe if tylenol made me hallucinate shadow people on my ceiling, showed me it was hurting me somehow, it would be enough to really scare me. It scares me, but I don't have any evidence my fears are valid. I can't explain without sounding like an idiot. All I can compare it to is starting/continuing to smoke in this day in age-but of course an addiction plays a part in that.

I think if I throw myself into two full time jobs and get the volunteer abroad expeditions/courses in sight.. we all need something to aspire to.

Believe it or not, I'm not trying to die. I'm not brave/cowardly enough to take that plunge.

[KISS]

Acetaminophen (Tylenol) Poisoning

You haven't made that appointment yet, have you.

Glad you took the video to heart.

[give2me1lemons]

I don't have insurance. That ended with college.

Depending on the cost, I'd still need a friend or family member to take me to a hospital for the liver test. I'm really not comfortable with therapy and could never afford it now anyhow.

My stomach is fine, and I don't appear to be yellow. Other than my ears popping and my head feeling a little off, I'm fine (I really think that's just guilt because I swear I was fine a second ago). That's not even a symptom to begin with. I'm pretty sure it's been more than twenty four hours.

[KISS]

Here is a liver function test for $49.

The Future of Online Medicine

[give2me1lemons]

Wait-if they still need the blood sample, then how can it be an online prescription? What difference does it make, I mean?

$49 sucks, because I want to save, but it is definitely doable. I should do it. I calculated, from what I remember taking in August (and now September) that I've taken the equivalent of 1 tylenol a day for two months with 13 leftover. (My math is horrible, I came out to about 6a day for 2 months by dividing by 8.. that was scary).

7 + 8 + 14 +18 (not counting the 21, they weren't there long) = 47
60 - 47 = 13

[give2me1lemons]

It's 2:30am, and I usually think/work the best when it's late/early like this.

I think I can explain the tylenol. Whenever I wanted something bad to happen to me, it would happen to a person or animal I cared about instead. Not necessarily the same thing. More recently my great aunt and my sister's boyfriend's dad found out they had cancer. Both will be operated on tomorrow, and if my sister's boyfriend's dad's cancer has spread then the outlook is pretty grim (I have met him, and he's the sort of nice man that doesn't say much but does for others-I wouldn't wish ill of ANYONE regardless). Then today my sister's boyfriend's daughter smashed up her bike and broke her collar bone. This happens a lot when I'm at my worst and makes me question whether I am responsible. That's not something I often share, but with the one person I shared this with, she claimed she felt exactly the same sometimes.

For me, I think it's a mix of things. I do it when I'm hating on myself, when I'm desperately lonely, when I'm feeling hopeless, and that sort of thing. But it's also kind of a challenge. This isn't an empty wish, it's an act. Either I'm untouchable or I will get burned. It can't hurt anyone but me (physically). I always say I don't believe in god but am agnostic rather than outright atheist. I kind of feel like half the time I'm challenging god to prove something to me (existence). If that's the case, then I must believe?

I just wish I could pick the one (right) decision and stick with it. In this case it would be to get help, regardless of the cost, or to make myself ask my friend to take me for a liver test Saturday.

Last night I dreamt that the 26 year old was holding me. This was the dream definition..

"Cuddle
To dream that you are cuddling with someone, indicates your need for physical and/or emotional contact. Do not overlook the obvious meaning of this dream which suggests your heart's desire for that particular person. Also consider the symbolism of that person you are cuddling with and determine how you need to acknowledge, accept, and unify those qualities in yourself." - Dream Moods A-Z Dream Dictionary

[emily_godzilla]

Hi I have been reading some of your posts and am concerned for you. I have been living with bipolar disorder since 1992. I am stable on my meds now and have'nt had an episode in two years. But anyway I am in college now studying to be an art therapist. I am hardly an expert in mental health but from my own personal experience I would have to say that therapy and medications can help.In the state I live in we have community mental health which is where I go for help. They have a sliding scale fee if you do not have health insurance. I can kind of relate to your situation because in 2000 I had a serious suicide attempt I od'ed on one of my mood stabilizers and had to go to the hospital. They pumped my stomach and stuck a tube down my throat- I was in the ICU for four days. After that I vowed to never try to hurt myself again. I was lucky you may not be if you keep taking too much tyelnol.Please see if there is a community mental health organization in your area. There are also crisis hotlines you can call if you feel like hurting yourself. I do not think you have bipolar like me or anything but you may suffer from depression. It would be a good idea to at least make some phone calls. Also NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy is a helpful site. Good luck.

[give2me1lemons]

I live in a small city in New York with a population of around 8,000. I don't think there's going to be something like that here. There's a NAMI place 45 minutes away, but I don't really see a way they can help me, just by skimming the site (which is useful, I just mean they don't provide free therapy or anything).

I asked my friend if she'd drive me for a liver function test, and she said she would. Except she won't be home again until the 25th. Even if I can get a blood liver function test for $49, I doubt it would cover the lab work and the visit itself. I don't know if I can just get it or if I need a consult first. I almost emailed my local hospital, but I didn't want to give them my name/address/phone number and wasn't even sure if I was contacting the right place or if they could answer my questions. Everyone knows everyone here as it is, so..

Then the 26 year old told me last night he got back with his fiancé. He said he should've told me that and not to take offense that he doesn't fill me on his personal life because that's just how he is. Then he apologised for ignoring me last week, saying it was his defense mechanism. He said I was free to vent to him anytime, but last week was just too much. I told him that it was great about his fiancé and was happy for him, but I said it was fine and that I shouldn't have told him anything last week anyway. Then today I got on and didn't talk to him. I got on later and saw he didn't have me as a friend anymore (on the game). Then he signed off. So either I say too much or not enough. I can't win, I give up. On him, on people, I don't even care. I'm just tired of it all.

There's no help for me without the money and courage to better my situation. Thanks for trying.

[emily_godzilla]

Calling some sort of 1-800- 24hr crisis hotline on the phone would be free. There are a lot of those out there you could probably find a hotline in your area if you look on the internet under suicide prevention or something. I think you need more of a trained professional to talk too. Without asking you directly where you are from let me just do a quick internet search and see if I can find you any crisis hotlines in New York.