[Synnen]

It has nothing to do with a guy's point of view.

It has to do with the fact that for the last 5 years, he HAS gotten away with behaviour like this. Why would he possibly think it's changed now.

It's one more way of manipulating you, controlling you.

[smoothy]

You keep leaving the Door open... figuratively and metaphorically.

Change the locks if he has a key... and lock them even if he doesn't. Too many thieves and such walking around. I live in a nice low crime area and I don't even leave my car doors unlocked much less the house during the DAYTIME.

[cozyk]

Lock your doors!
Tell him that you don't take calls after 11:00 or whatever.
Tell him that he is not welcome in your home.
IF he calls at a decent time, he may come over one last time to get his things by such-n-such a date or they will be donated or sold.
PERIOD. Don't listen to his "I love you" crap.
" I hear what you say, I see what you do. " He does not love anyone.

[lovergirl247]

I am trying to be strong. It's so hard considering our past together. I still only try to hold on to the good things. He called just a bit ago asking about a check that was supposed to come here and his keys. I can't keep this up any longer with out him knowing how much of an inconvenience it is to me for him to do this... but I am afraid if I do that it will surely be the end. I am scared. This is harder than I thought.

[smoothy]

You have to make a choice... you can't have it both ways... you etierh cut him off, once and for all and for good... or you quietly put up with his antics. The choice is yours. Tell him its inconvienient, and he gets his stuff by a certain date you set in the next few days. He is not to call you after that, Knock on your door or write you letters or anything online. Anything he doesn't pick up is your to do as you wish... but if YOU allow him to keep talking to you then YOU are the current source of the problem.

[Jake2008]

I think you need to get yourself into therapy Lovergirl, and why that is my opinion is as follows:

- you have three children also going around this toxic merry-go-round
- he is a drug dealer
- he gets drunk all the time
- he brings out the worst in you to a point of you, as you said, being psychotic- screaming, yelling, throwing things
- even feeling like this, your original post was about feeling lonely, and wanting another baby
- you allow him to come and go as he pleases, at any time of the day or night
- he has made it clear that he wants his own place
- you are worried you cannot make ends meet without his income, yet you haven't said anything about getting financial assistance
- clearly, as you said, he cares more about the dog than you, also in your first post

I think that despite all good intentions of people trying to help you, you are not ready to be helped. You have not yet gone from thinking about making choices, to actually making changes, and taking steps to do so.

Making choices to provide a safe environment for your children, and independence from a man who clearly is a poor choice for you, is not happening.

If you were to speak to a professional about your inability to see that the relationship is clearly over, or should be over, perhaps that would push you in the right direction to actually let him go and get on with your life.

The children here are almost a side note, and they should be your priority. While you continue to hope that he will change and come home, while leaving your doors unlocked (knowing who his friends are), and keep yourself pre-occupied with your needs, theirs are being neglected.

That he is a drug user and dealer should be enough to realize that your children are in a very unsafe environment, while you keep the door open, and anxiously await some magical change in him that will suddenly make everything all right.

I don't know what it will take for you to see the life you are choosing to live right now is not a healthy or sustainable one, for you, or your children.

If you cannot emotionally separate yourself from him, put the children first, and do it for their sake.

[lovergirl247]

You are all right. I am having a very tough time. I shouldn't be so caught up in him changing when deep down I know he won't. I should see someone to help me get through this. A therapist. Someone that can help lead me in the right direction. I am putting my kids first more now than ever. I can't believe that I put them aside like that for this person that just had to have total control. A person that says I will do what I want when I want and not even think about who he is walking all over to get it. My children were victimized by him and I allowed it. I even told him that I allowed so many things to go on and he would cut me off... saying "what do you mean YOU ALLOWED ME" Enough I said. You can't see past yourself to see the big picture and I spent too much of my time trying to make you see. I allowed this to happen when I had the control all along. You want to control your own life by doing what you think is right and wrong. Go for it. I want to be happy and I deserve someone in my life that wants to make me happy. He even told me that he doesn't want to MAKE anyone happy only himself. I walked away from that thinking... hmmm... you just said it all right there... why did I blind myself and not see that. I should have. I am sorry for blabbering on and on. This does help even though you may not think it does. If I have to see a therapist then I will. I really am trying here and if you were here you would see that. This isn't easy at all for me. Again... Thanks so much for your words of encouragement.

[Jake2008]

I think that you seeing a counsellor is a really smart move lovergirl, and good for you for taking that direction.

It is all to easy to accept 'help' from friends and family, but that can sometimes not be enough. Making any big change is hard work, especially when, like most of us, you hope for the best, and you're stuck with a situation you didn't ask for.

It is nice to see you write what you DO want in a relationship too. Setting standards and goals for yourself is a really possitive thing to do. This is your life afterall; don't settle because you don't think you aren't worthy of quality in a relationship with a man.

I do hope you find some encouragement and peace of mind when you see a counsellor.

In the meanwhile, stay strong, and build on the direction you want to go for yourself and your children.

Keep in touch.

[shyfoxie]

Umm... he hasn't showered in weeks? That's never a good sign. Neglecting important things (ie hygiene) is a sign of depression, or at least of "i-just-don't-give-a-crap-itis"

[talaniman]

We know you are trying and know it is not easy to rearrange everything in your life, and do what's necessary for your future, and your kids. It hard work, and will take time, so take it a step at a time, as getting him from your life, is first and foremost.

You can do this, but you may need some help, family or friends, to clean your house of anything that causes you trouble, and confusion. That's him and all his stuff. Then you can lock your doors.

Good Luck, and prayers.

[cozyk]

Umm...he hasn't showered in weeks? That's never a good sign. Neglecting important things (ie hygiene) is a sign of depression, or at least of "i-just-don't-give-a-crap-itis"

Where did you see that?

[lovergirl247]

Thanks again so much. Jake... I wanted you to know that I am going to try to get help financially today. By first getting on a list that will help with my rent. As I have stated before I am a full time online student and that will be consuming much of my time. But I will be doing the first thing today. The second thing is that I have a representative coming this afternoon to help get me started selling AVON. I know what some of you must be thinking... but I consider it a step up. I am receiving unemployment as well to help suppliment and also getting child support for at least one of my children. That should help some. I was talking to my son the other day and he is happy that the ex isn't here. He was concerned for me for a while and didn't like him very much. I should have stopped and looked at it back then and I didn't. I will do what I can with the therapist and I do appreciate what all of you here have done. I now consider all of you my friends and it's nice to know you are all here for me. Thanks so much! :)

[cozyk]

Lovergirl, I applaud you for getting those ducks in a row. Remember to check to see if there is a county supported counseling center. You pay on a sliding scale according to your income. Therapy is not cheap and this could be good for you.

[smoothy]

Any step in the right direction is an improvement. WHen the next better possibility arrives keep your eyes open. As long as all your steps are in the right direction that's what matters most.

[shyfoxie]

Where did you see that?

It's in the bottom of the initial post. And if he isn't keeping clean, that makes a problem for HER too, seeing as it would kind of be gross and potentially unhealthy for everyone involved.

[shyfoxie]

Thanks again so much. Jake...I wanted you to know that I am going to try to get help financially today. By first getting on a list that will help with my rent. As I have stated before I am a full time online student and that will be consuming much of my time. But I will be doing the first thing today. The second thing is that I have a representative coming this afternoon to help get me started selling AVON. I know what some of you must be thinking...but I consider it a step up. I am receiving unemployment as well to help suppliment and also getting child support for at least one of my children. That should help some. I was talking to my son the other day and he is happy that the ex isn't here. He was concerned for me for a while and didn't like him very much. I should have stopped and looked at it back then and I didn't. I will do what I can with the therapist and I do appreciate what all of you here have done. I now consider all of you my friends and it's nice to know you are all here for me. Thanks so much!! :)

It's good that things are looking up. And hey, nothing wrong with selling Avon, a friend of my mom's did that for a while and it was a good between-career move. It sounds like you're a smart woman who just sort of had a crappy time, but you seem to know how to get back on track. Congrats!

[cozyk]

Lovergirl, I'm curious as to how it's going and how you are doing.

[lovergirl247]

I am well... I am sorry it's been so long since I have posted. I have been busy with my kids and my schooling. I went to the doctor the other day and he put me on some antidepressants which help some. But I feel that I am doing much better. I applaud all of you for sticking by me in this tough time. I will continue to keep you posted. :)

[beckysue1973]

Is it possible that he could be bipolar? Sounds like it from what you describe.

[Synnen]

Good for you!

I say a little prayer for you every day, that you have the strength to keep believing in yourself, and the strength to do what's best for YOU right now.