[bummedout4]

Hey there Bummedout.......have some patience everything happens to us for a reason. You have to believe in that......do as many have told you here. If she calls let the voicemail pick-up give it some time before you respond. When you do respond just be calm and cool, the key is to not bring up your feelings towards her at all. Your gonna have to wait for her to bring them up before you expose yours. Even when that happens I wouldn't go crazy with expressing them. If it was meant to be it will happen, just remember there will possibly be a whole lot of heartache and pain to get there. Are you willing to go through that?

I am already going through a lot of heartache and pain so yes I am willing to do what it takes to get there with her. I know that things happen for a reason, just can't stop thinking there is something I can do. I guess I will just have to let things happen, I am trying my best.

[farfrmnormal]

Here is some insight into my situation right now - my boyfriend of 4 yrs ended our relationship 3 weeks ago. The first week I was a mess - calling him all the time, bawling my eyes out LOOKING for excuses to call. The Monday, 1 week after our breakup we had a talk and set a boundary. Two weeks of NC and we would talk then - what I didn't realize was that by asking him for this boundary he felt like he HAD to give me an answer in that allotted time. After a close friend speaking with him I realized that he felt like this and we spoke again that evening. During that conversation we came to a compromise. He wanted to be around to see me evolve and I wanted him there as well - we set a date to spend time together. He showed up at my house on Sunday (2 weeks after the breakup) unannounced - I was surprised and delighted, HOPE! That same day we had talked about hanging out the following evening - he called shortly after making the plans to say he had acquired hockey tickets and had to cancel - so, there is cancellation number 1. Last night we were to hang out - after ringing his phone too many times to count we finally got in contact - he had, had a bad day and to compound that I had called him 6 times. He yelled at me and told me he would call me in a bit - that bit was an hour. Once again he said "What time are you heading to bed tonight - I'm grumpy and I was wondering if I could call you in an hour." By this time it would have been 8:30pm and to top it all off I had refused plans with another friend. I did this in fear that if I canceled with my ex he would be angry. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. His tone of voice and lack of understanding last night pushed me over the edge - I drove to his house and confronted him. He explained that he is so frustrated right now that he can't get in contact with his true feelings - until he does a relationship is not possible. He mentioned seeing a counselor to help him get past his frustrations.

Once again we are on NC - but the difference this time is, I am moving on. As a couple we are toxic right now and until we both fix our issues we cannot be together. In the state I am in and the state he is in we would do nothing more then make things worse - and I feel that this may be the same for you. You are toxic right now and until you can be happy with you and who you are things won't work, no matter how much you try to show her you have changed. In your situation the change would be seen as superficial and only done to win her back. Just my opinion.

[bummedout4]

Here is some insight into my situation right now - my bf of 4 yrs ended our relationship 3 wks ago. The first week I was a mess - calling him all the time, bawling my eyes out LOOKING for excuses to call. The Monday, 1 week after our breakup we had a talk and set a boundary. Two weeks of NC and we would talk then - what I didn't realize was that by asking him for this boundary he felt like he HAD to give me an answer in that allotted time. After a close friend speaking with him I realized that he felt like this and we spoke again that evening. During that conversation we came to a compromise. He wanted to be around to see me evolve and I wanted him there as well - we set a date to spend time together. He showed up at my house on Sunday (2 weeks after the breakup) unannounced - I was surprised and delighted, HOPE! That same day we had talked about hanging out the following evening - he called shortly after making the plans to say he had acquired hockey tickets and had to cancel - so, there is cancellation number 1. Last night we were to hang out - after ringing his phone too many times to count we finally got in contact - he had, had a bad day and to compound that I had called him 6 times. He yelled at me and told me he would call me in a bit - that bit was an hour. Once again he said "What time are you heading to bed tonight - I'm grumpy and I was wondering if I could call you in an hour." By this time it would have been 8:30pm and to top it all off I had refused plans with another friend. I did this in fear that if I canceled with my ex he would be angry. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. His tone of voice and lack of understanding last night pushed me over the edge - I drove to his house and confronted him. He explained that he is so frustrated right now that he can't get in contact with his true feelings - until he does a relationship is not possible. He mentioned seeing a counselor to help him get past his frustrations.

Once again we are on NC - but the difference this time is, I am moving on. As a couple we are toxic right now and until we both fix our issues we cannot be together. In the state I am in and the state he is in we would do nothing more then make things worse - and I feel that this may be the same for you. You are toxic right now and until you can be happy with you and who you are things won't work, no matter how much you try to show her you have changed. In your situation the change would be seen as superficial and only done to win her back. Just my opinion.

Thanks for your story and opinion. Well I kind of agree with you because it seems like we both have some issues but really she is the one with issues with us. I want to be that guy that I was , and let it slip over time. I think she is afraid of giving me another chance and it going back to how it was, therefore wasting her time. I keep thinking there has to be a way to make see her see clearly but I guess their isn't right now. I am going to try to give her the space she wants, maybe that will clear her vision to who I really am and what we have together. Its hard to know though, I am confused because she is still confused and unsure what she wants. Should I just ask her straight up what she wants from me and from her life right now? Maybe get a better understanding of what she is thinking.

[farfrmnormal]

If she is confused how can she tell you what she wants?

You can compound the problem by continually asking her. When I continually pushed for an answer from my ex it made things worse.

She may be the one for you, but she isn't right now.

I understand being confused, because I am too - but what I do know is I can't and don't want to be with someone who is and the fix to confusion is them figuring it out on their own - you can't help her now, and until she fixes her issues there is nothing.

[bummedout4]

If she is confused how can she tell you what she wants?

You can compound the problem by continually asking her. When I continually pushed for an answer from my ex it made things worse.

She may be the one for you, but she isn't right now.

I understand being confused, because I am too - but what I do know is I can't and don't want to be with someone who is and the fix to confusion is them figuring it out on their own - you can't help her now, and until she fixes her issues there is nothing.

Well I agree with you , it just sucks.

[farfrmnormal]

You it does - I am going through the same thing right now. But you got to be strong for yourself, otherwise you are going to go crazy - if things don't work out this could mess things up for you for a long time.

You may want to invest in some self help books - right now I am reading a good one about how men and women are different and what to do about it. Its easier when you understand how men and women think.

[bummedout4]

OK so everyone is pretty much in agreement that I should leave her alone and give her some time. But lets say that in the near future, we are still talking here and there and I can tell she hasn't forgotten about me and still cares about me, if I did something really nice and romantic , like something so special that she would have to be impressed , would that help at all? I know I sound like a hopeless romantic but since this is what she really felt was missing in our relationship would that in any way possibly make her see that I can be that person she wants? I am just thinking here, not planning anything just seeing what you all say, but I can kind of guess what you will say. I just think that if eventually I don't try or do anything, that I may be losing an opportunity and always wonder what if..

[Homegirl 50]

If she ever gets to the point where she might want to be with you again, I think she will let you know.

[smoothy]

I may have already said this but remember the line between a lovesick person who wants to see their love that wants space... and what constitutes a stalker can be quite blurry and hard to define. Please don't find yourself on the wrong side of it. Nobody is worth it. They asked for space you need to give it. Let them come to you. If you come to realize what kind of person they really are before that happens it's their loss to deal with.

[bummedout4]

If she ever gets to the point where she might want to be with you again, I think she will let you know.

So if one day she wants me back, she will just come out and say hey lets get back together? Don't you think women like to be showed out of nowhere how special they are, w/out asking for it? I mean I know what you are saying but it would be kind of weird if she just came out and was like hey I was wrong, aren't some women too stubborn to admit it even if that's how they feel? She asked for the break for her reasons, isn't it sometimes up to the other person to show them that they were wrong and they made a mistake. Kind of a prove me wrong situation. I don't know, I am not a girl but that also makes sense. If I broke up w/ a girl because she was too possessive or whatever, and she made an effort to show that she changed and really cared about me I think I would be more inclined to give her another chance. But I don't know maybe that's just me. That is of course if I didn't hate her or leave on bad terms which we didn't.

[Homegirl 50]

so if one day she wants me back, she will just come out and say hey lets get back together? don't you think women like to be showed out of nowhere how special they are, w/out asking for it? I mean i know what you are saying but it would be kind of weird if she just came out and was like hey i was wrong, aren't some women too stubborn to admit it even if thats how they feel? she asked for the break for her reasons, isn't it sometimes up to the other person to show them that they were wrong and they made a mistake. kind of a prove me wrong situation. i don't know, i am not a girl but that also makes sense. If i broke up w/ a girl b/c she was too possessive or whatever, and she made an effort to show that she changed and really cared about me i think i would be more inclined to give her another chance. but i dont know maybe thats just me. that is of course if i didn't hate her or leave on bad terms which we didn't.

She broke up with you. If she wants you back she will let you know. If you broke up with her and decided you wanted her back, you would let her know.
The only thing you need to show her is that you can respect her wishes.

[bummedout4]

Well I thought I would be able to make it through the day w/out getting emotional and tearing up but I couldn't. All I can do is think about her and how I just want to talk to her and see her. This is so hard I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I am drowning and can't do anything about it. Its hard for me to accept that there is nothing I can do to help this situation for both of us. I am not an emotional person at all and this is really making me feel a way I never have before. I don't feel like doing anything but being with her. Even yesterday, a day I have been looking forward for a while, Halo 3 game came out, I didn't even feel like playing it. This is affecting my life in a way I never thought possible. She knows how I feel and what I want but I just don't know why I am not good enough for her. Thinking about it makes me want to cry and wallow in self pity. What can I do? I really feel like she's the "one" for me and I don't want to let go, I just want to fight for the love I believe so strongly in.

[Sad Soul]

Good good, keep crying and being miserable - but whatever you do don't call her. I'm serious! You crying and feeling sorry for yourself (despite you probably having a roof over your head, access to the internet, food, clothing, water, living in a free country), is better than you calling her.

Just don't call and never contact her. She knows it is up to her. Please give women more credit. You are so insecure that you keep thinking the worst... you're even thinking that if she ever wants to be yours again, she will hide the fact?! What?

Come on now! Women want to be with strong men that shine even without them. Like, who are you without her? So far you are saying "I'm a nobody". Is this attractive? Is this someone worth being with?

You need to pick yourself up and fast. You need to show who YOU ARE, and not who you are only when you are with a certain someone. Get your confidence back up!

This is a "test of life". Everything being okay and pleasant does not test how strong you are. This is the time to put yourself to a test, and to show the world what a super man you are. And believe me, the best of women will notice.

[bummedout4]

Good good, keep crying and being miserable - but whatever you do don't call her. I'm serious! You crying and feeling sorry for yourself (despite you probably having a roof over your head, access to the internet, food, clothing, water, living in a free country), is better than you calling her.

Just don't call and never contact her. She knows it is up to her. Please give women more credit. You are so insecure that you keep thinking the worst...even thinking that if she wants to be your again, she will hide the fact???!!! What?

Come on now! Women want to be with strong men that shine even without them. Like, who are you without her. So far you are saying "I'm a nobody". You need to pick yourself up and fast. You need to show who YOU ARE, and not who you are only when you are with a certain someone. Get your confidence back up!

I know I am thinking of worse case scenario but I mean that's what a lot of people are saying. That I probably won't get back with her and she probably just wants to move on. I mean its hard to accept that. The only contact I had today was a quick text to wish her luck on her tests. I know even that isn't good but its hard because I just want her to know I am thinking of her and care about her doing well. I know I have it good compared to most of the world but after having her, nothing else will do. I feel like I messed up a great thing and I just want it back and to make it right. Why is love so difficult to keep and to understand?

[Homegirl 50]

You're having rejection issues. It is not that you aren't good enough for her, you just may not be the one for her and you know, she may not be the one for you either.
It may not be a bad idea for you to get some professional help with this. Someone to give you some tips on how to cope with this feeling of rejection.
You need to will yourself to get out and do other things. Start being concerned about your well being. You are a young man apart from her, she does not define who you are. Play you new video game, indulge yourself.

[Homegirl 50]

You guys could very well not be "the one" for each other. Sounds like she is probably your first love. Love and life can be difficult because we often have to make decisions and choices we would rather not make. But we live and learn.
You two may have been together for a season to prepare yourself and each other for another season with other people. This time can turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

[bummedout4]

Well I defintely do feel like I wasn't good enough and that she wants something else. That's part of the pain that I feel. I don't know if I need professional help yet but who knows how long this will drag on for. I just got off the phone with my exgf, she called me , and we just talked about her exams and how she was doing and everything. A pretty short conversation, 5 min or so, since she was going back to school for another exam. I know she's going through a lot of stress so I am not trying to add any for her by saying anything about feelings or whatever. When I talk to her I just feel better, still a little weird because I don't know how she feels talking to me but I feel so much better. I don't know if she wants to talk to me or she feels obligated to call me since she knows how much this situation is bothering me. Well I probably won't talk to her again tonight, unless she calls but I doubt it. I guess I can't tell if we are the "one" for each other but I do think so. But who knows, maybe we are just not right now or maybe we aren't. Either way I would rather know I gave her my all everyday and it not work than knowing maybe doing something differently would have avoided this whole situation.

[star3114]

You know you can sit there and kick yourself in the butt saying I should have or could have done this or that. I won't help. Here is a tip that I use to deal with my emotions after dealing with sucky situations. I grab a box of kleenix, I go to a solitary place (car, bedroom, etc.) and I bawl. I think about everything about the situation that pissed me off, hurt me, made me feel inadaquate, etc. As I think about those things, I cry even harder. Then, when I feel like I have emotionally been drained and I can't cry any more, I stop. And you know what? I feel a ton better. I have dealt with all of those bad emotions and they don't have power over me any more. Then, I look back at the situation with a clear head and analyze what life lessons I gained from that experience. Take this advice for what it is worth, but it may help... above all... DONT CONTACT HER... LET HER COME TO YOU. Well done on the staying cool during the exam call. Good job. That is the way to be.

[bummedout4]

OK so I hung out with her brother today, we are pretty close, so he came over and we just talked about everything going on and played some video games. He doesn't really talk to his sister (my exgf) so he doesn't really know anything about what's going on in her head. Anyway, her dad called me today, to ask if her brother had gotten here yet, and he was all nice like saying he missed me and not to give up and to win his daughter back. I mean I have been over there for 4 yrs so I know them pretty well and they know me and what kind of guy I am. Lately I hear that she has been fighting with her mom a lot about staying out reallly late and doing all these things that she hasn't before. I know the parents liked me and knew I was a good guy that would take care of her. This call from her dad made me think but I know that he doesn't really talk to her about anything going on. It kind of makes me feel that I shouldn't give up so easily but still give her space. I really don't want to lose her and feel I can make her see that she is missing out on a great guy. I am going to stick to the plan of not contacting her and see what she does. I hope we will be able to go out this weekend, but I am not pushing her to do anything. Well this is all I got for now, whenever I start to feel better I start to think about everything and feel like crap again. Hopefully tonight I can sleep w/out having dreams about her and us.

[bummedout4]

OK good morning everyone, today I am feeling better because well usually I would call my exgf every monring before work to say good morn and see how she's doing. Today I told myself I would not call and I stuck to it. She called me yesterday and I haven't talked to her since. So I didn't call this morn and felt bad but I stuck to it. I went to the bathroom, came back and I had a message on my phone. She had messaged me to say good morning so I answered and we went back in forth a little bit about her tests yesterday and what she's up to today. Seeing that she thought about me and took time out to message me really made me feel a lot better. So is this a good thing? Should I be encouraged that she at least thought about me this morn?