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Yosomoton213 · Oct 6, 2009, 09:32 PM

You will buddy. The only problem is that you still see and talk to your ex. For the next 30 days, you have to disappear from her life. No contact at all.

If you think about it, every time you see her or contact her, you get confused and hurt. It happens to all of us. If you stick to no contact, you'll be all right. Do it to keep your stability and sanity and life. Right now, you aren't acting reasonably, but you will soon be on the right track.

It is a hard process, but it does work. My ex and I have been on-off for 3 years... until I initiated the final no contact. I knew I was over her when I refused to get back together with her, and could ignore all of her phone calls and texts. I no longer care what she does anymore. I think she has hooked up with some of my friends to make me jealous, but all she did was make herself look kind of slutty. Today, I think that I am fortunate that she broke up with me, as she is acting like an immature child, and I no longer have to deal with it.

You just have to get to the point where you say to yourself, gosh darnit, I deserve to be happy. And this girl is not making you happy. So cut her out of your life, completely.

You obviously have tons of potential on the girl market, as you are picking up numbers and going on dates. However, I would suggest you take a break from all of that, because I think you are doing that to spite your ex girlfriend. You even admitted that you aren't ready for any of that.

To make your sense of self-worth and self-esteem higher, I suggest you complete all your classwork, spend time with friends, and maybe get involved in other activities/volunteering. I picked up a sport that I had left off when I came to college, and it has helped a lot. Not only is it a good physical outlet, but I've made great friends in the process.

Yes, dating is fun. However, don't start something if you're not ready. Just cherish your friends and work on you... which includes getting your classwork done. That should be your top priority right now. Stay focused and stay strong.

You said you don't want to go down the bad path. Stick to your word. Cut all ties and contact with the ex, and just start living your own life, how you want to live it.

A4Effort · Oct 6, 2009, 09:39 PM

Thank you for that advice. I really needed it. I do need to be happy. I do deserve someone better.

paxe · Oct 6, 2009, 10:16 PM

Yes you do, look I could probably relate to your situation in some sense and it really really sucked in the beginning. You have to tell yourself that you are actually a great person and you deserve the best. You deserve a bright future with a great women and you will never settle for less.

Why do you need her to make you happy? You need to find your own happiness alone. I hanged out with friends, started doing sport and went on a trip and I got myself much much better. Join a group, you said you survived a genocide (most probably in eastern europe) then you could try and help some groups so that it never happens again. It could give you some great sense of pride helping other people.

A4Effort · Oct 6, 2009, 10:22 PM

That's the thing. I work three jobs, work at a psychology lab, take pictures for the university news paper, etc... I average 12 hour days/7days a week with all those activities and my three jobs.

I train at my martial arts school, I hang out with friends constantly, but I am still spiraling down. I doubt I will sleep tonight. I just hit a low that I never have experienced before.

paxe · Oct 6, 2009, 10:32 PM

Well,
Like Yosomoton213 said, drop the course or go to the front of the class without looking back. It is going to hurt, but with time you will feel better. The thing is that you have to see her the least amount of time. Go to class and leave asap after, don't go and talk to her and if you do see her give her a quick "hi".

You are spiraling down because you are in shock. It's all science really. You were with someone for a long time and now you're not, you feel lonely, you desperately want her back for all the wrong reasons. Your dopamine levels in your brain is much lower now. This is why there is so many rebound, especially from girls, since there is a lack of dopamine.

It's basically like a drug, you crave it. Though like any drugs, the only real way to get over it, is to be patient and taking care of your body. There is no magic solution. There is ups and down when you apply NC, but in the future there will be more ups than down.

I tried to rationalize as much as possible, it makes it easier to see things (I'm engineer I rationalize everything). You just have to understand WHY your body and brain is reacting the way it is. I hope this gave you a new way to see things.

A4Effort · Oct 6, 2009, 10:40 PM

Thank you paxe.

All that is going through my head is that I will never find anyone like her again. I have met so many girls throughout my time here in America (9years) and she was the only one that stood out to me. I am very social and meet new people everyday. None of them come close to her and this is me speaking rationally. I have not met one girl who had all the qualities that I look for in a woman besides her. Having lost the person who I thought was perfect match for me hurts me more than anything. I could list all the things about her that made me love her so much but I think I already have done it a few times already. I was very fortunate to have met her and I appreciate all the moments we shared. She was like a drug and now that she is gone I feel like I am withdrawing. Without this drug I am sick.

kctiger · Oct 7, 2009, 05:21 AM

With all due respect A4, you aren't speaking rationally. You can't because you are still so caught up on her emotionally. No woman will compare to her right now because of your connection you have with her. This is why we must give ourselves time to heal, so we can think rationally and clearly.

This is America, and trust me, they come in all manners of form (women), there is more than one out there who will catch your eye. You are limited to a college atmosphere. Just take time to heal and worry about the women stuff later.

A4Effort · Oct 7, 2009, 06:38 AM

Everything makes sense. But I don't know how I will get out of the state I am in currently. No contact hasn't been working because even when I try not to see her, I see her. But I guess if it has worked for so many it should work for me.

kctiger · Oct 7, 2009, 06:39 AM

It almost seems as if you are expecting this to go away within a few days, and that isn't the case. It is going to take time, there aren't any magic pills to get over this. You just have to get through it, no short cuts are there.

A4Effort · Oct 7, 2009, 06:53 AM

I didn't know I would see her being asked out/flirted to so soon after our breakup. I knew she would have said yes to the guy if I didn't intervene. I am was not ready nor am I now to see that happen in front of my face. Maybe after a few more months but so soon. It magnifies the pain I have a million when I see some other guy flirting with her and her being into it.

kctiger · Oct 7, 2009, 06:56 AM

I know that kind of thing sucks, big time, believe me. Been there done that. The good news is that you have most likely hit rock bottom, so you have nowhere to go but up.

A4Effort · Oct 7, 2009, 07:11 AM

I sure hope I hit rock bottom because I cannot image being in a worse state that I am in now.

kctiger · Oct 7, 2009, 07:14 AM

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to stomach, watch the love of my life embrace a man the way she used to embrace me. This happened on my birthday last year. It killed me.

At the same time it was a major ego check to me. The world doesn't revolve around me and I don't believe I am any type of Prince Charming, so I had to realize that this is life and there are other guys out there that could make her happy. I know I'm not the best thing out there, I know that she deserves to be happy and I know that maybe I just wasn't the one. That is fine, I can accept that now... I can live with that. The experience itself has changed my life and my attitude dramatically.

A4Effort · Oct 7, 2009, 07:22 AM

I totally agree with you. There will always be another person who will be able to make her happy. It hurts a tremendous amount now but I do want her to be happy. I will eventually heal and find someone else who will make me happy.

A4Effort · Oct 7, 2009, 08:50 AM

This is a great challenge for me. I don't know if I can swallow this. I am afraid that I will not succeed. I am saying to myself that I should be thankful for having experienced such strong love. It is too soon for me to see her with other men. Hearing about it is one thing but actually seeing it crushes any confidence that I ever had. It makes me so hopeless about moving on and finding someone new.

kctiger · Oct 7, 2009, 08:52 AM

You need to accept the fact that these feelings are normal and to be honest they aren't going anywhere for awhile. I have said that time and again... you are going to feel like death for some time, there is just no way around it. Be thankful you are actually still alive and have much to live for. As for the feelings, you vent and continue doing what you're doing and they will take care of themselves.

A4Effort · Oct 7, 2009, 09:01 AM

I sure hope so because I really do feel like death. When I get such strong emotions when I see her, I try to write all my feelings at the time down. Not only is that a good outlet but also it helps me distract me from her. I just wish I could tell her to be more mindful when I'm in class. The less I know the better it is for me. But the more I see the more I hit that rock bottom. I am mindful around her and make sure not to do anything along those lines. I hope I don't flip out one day when I see her with another man. I have great self control but I I saw her kiss another man I think I would just want to unleash my pain onto the world.

amicon · Oct 7, 2009, 09:16 AM

Your inner strength and your integrity will protect you whatever situation arises. Its still one day at the time for you and you re doing well.

A4Effort · Oct 7, 2009, 09:22 AM

Thank you for the kind words. I don't see myself doing to well at all since I feel horrible. I am dreading tomorrow because I know I will see her. I know that guy will ask her out on a date. I will do my best to ignore but I know I will feel horrible no matter what I do. Having to see this occur twice a week is not good for my healing. But I can't drop out of the class. I need to continue with my education. I don't know where I will end up if I continue seeing this. I will go insane.

paxe · Oct 7, 2009, 01:54 PM

Well go in front of your class and don't look at her, leave asap. You can't control who and when she dates as it is over between you two. She is taking her own decisions and so should you.

It's going to happen one way or another the best thing to do is to accept it and try to overcome the pain. You're a better person than that.