[give2me1lemons]

Weird, this site works now I've made a decision I can't go back in.

A half hour away, I call my parents and decide to leave.

I shoved them out before I was ready because my dad said he thought I was depressed. He and my mom both have it and take medication for it.

I'm probably being rash and impulsive and everyone will hate me, but I don't feel right here. I just hope this isn't really the end of the world the way it feels it is.

[KISS]

This proves again, you need meds. I'm going to keep hounding you until you make that appointment.

[give2me1lemons]

I loved the state. I loved the opportunity. I was comfortable with the campus size and getting around, for the most part.

I hated most of the food. I couldn't deal with the people. They were everywhere, and yet I had no one. I was so alone. I tried to reach out to people, but I couldn't find any support.

Now I'm home and lost. I don't know what comes next. I can't stand myself. I want to jump into something and keep running.

I can't get help here. Not with my parents so close.

I don't know what to do or what is right. I don't want to care.

You think if I took Wellbutrin I'd be instantly better? And you can get this drug without therapy? Sounds too good to be true.

[J_9]

Please call this number ImMEDIATELY...

1-800-273-8255

Call it NOW!!

You think if I took Wellbutrin I'd be instantly better? And you can get this drug without therapy? Sounds too good to be true.

You won't be instantly better, it takes a couple of weeks for it to work. Also, I don't know why people keep harping on this medication. It does not work for everyone, there are different meds for different people.

Some people need therapy, others don't. It really depends on your particular situation.

[asking]

Hi Lemons,
I'm just home. Good advice from J-9.
Do call that number. You can call right now.

1-800-273-8255

They will help you.

You are very brave. Hang in there.
asking

[give2me1lemons]

The suicide hot line...


I'm not about to kill myself tonight or tie up their line. I'm just completely directionless and feel alone. I'm scared of my decisions. I need to pick something and stick with it and just suck it up and deal. I need to accept that no one can help me now but myself.

I'm sorry if I scared any of you.

[asking]

Sometimes it's hard to tell what people mean when it's just words on a screen. A lot is lost.

It's true that direction has to come from you and that's a hard transition when teachers and parents have been telling you what to do pretty much all your life. But that's NOT something you have to do right now. And when you are ready, there are lots of people who can help you figure it out. Just let that go for now. You are young and have LOTS of time. Some people don't figure out what they really want to do until they are in their 30s.

On the other hand, you need help with your inclination to hurt yourself. That's not something you should try to handle on your own. You don't have to do everything alone.

Be patient with yourself. For now, just find help in getting well.
Worry about school and the direction your life should take when you are feeling strong.

[give2me1lemons]

All I want in the world right now is a place to stay, very far from home, with a guy. I just want to be held. I don't want to make decisions, and I don't want to be alone. Then I want some magic pill to make me happy and well adjusted. The whole having to get to help, be open and honest, and spend money things are in my way.

I don't believe the whole "you are young and have your whole life ahead of you" philosophy. We spend a fifth of our lives in school, approximately, based on the mistaken 100 year scale. After 50, 60, or 70-depending on lifestyle and gentics-you lose the physical and mental ability to do a lot of things. As an American, I only have about 75 years anyway. I want to live while I'm able. I can't afford to slow down..

I think I ought to sleep. My mom gave me wine to help me stay calm tonight.

[N0help4u]

Your original post was aug 5 it is almost Sept and you still feel the way you do. I think the others may be right that you need to find somebody that you can talk to and get help and advice from since you still feel this way.

Life is work and things don't come easy.
We all want things, basic things, that we don't always get. We have to find the inner strength within us to make whatever work.
You need to learn to rely and depend on you.
I know it sucks being alone. I have spent most of my life feeling alone and never had anybody that really loved or understood me.
But you have to work on the positive things in your life and accentuate them.
A guy isn't going to really fill that void you feel.
He will be nice to have to be held by and be there for you but in the long run you need your own identity and self worth.

I use to watch my grandmother. She put all her life and identity into her husband. Then when he died she was lost.

[J_9]

The suicide hot line...


I'm not about to kill myself tonight or tie up their line. I'm just completely directionless and feel alone. I'm scared of my decisions. I need to pick something and stick with it and just suck it up and deal. I need to accept that no one can help me now but myself.

I'm sorry if I scared any of you.

Yes, the suicide hotline. You are killing yourself slowly. You need someone anonymous to talk to. They can help you. They can also point you in the right direction for someone to talk to in your area for free or reduced cost.

[asking]

Not so slowly--14 extra strength tylenol.

[J_9]

Not so slowly--14 extra strength tylenol.

True, that could be a very quick ending to such a young life.

[give2me1lemons]

I read online while I was freaking out that night that some people could take half a bottle and be okay.

I need to find where I'm going next. I'm just afraid of not being qualified enough and the time and money I'll waste getting qualified. That probably doesn't make any sense, but I'm thinking volunteer work. Sort of like the peace corp, but not really as I do not have a college degree. Maybe with animals or the environment as the victim instead. I'm afraid college and life experience will stand in my way.

Which means learning cpr and survival skills. Probably getting a job and license in the mean time. I just don't want to be here even a month. I may even have to go online or take night classes, if the loans will transfer and it's absolutely necessary. I can't do dorm life again.


I'm not sure if it's depression or just that I am constantly where I'm not supposed to be with the wrong people. I spent a week camping, rock climbing, white water rafting, and back packing before college. In the smaller setting and with my spending the majority of my time with people older than me or more mature; I was pretty content. I prefer people older and more experienced than me. They are so much more interesting and accepting, and you can learn a lot from them..





I do hear what you are saying about me killing myself slowly. That's why I need to keep moving..

[KISS]

Will you get your butt to a doc. I'm going against the grain here with respect to Welbutrin. My friend, who has VERY SIMILAR characteristics as you felt a difference in two days. Yes, this is not typical. Yes, it appears to me magic. One of the benefits was the ABILITY to think clearly. From the anti-depressants that I have taken for off label uses, this makes the most sense.

Call your primary care physicain, if you have one. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist (they prescribe primarily for mental illnesses).

PLEASE MAKE THAT APPOINTMENT.

[give2me1lemons]

What are the similarities, other than writing? What does your friend have?

[KISS]

Unable to think clearly. Generally withdrawn socially. Tried to commit suicide many time using pills. Huge sexual urges. Wanting to please, usually with money. Bad life decisions. Trouble sleeping. Huge anxiety problems. Always has to be doing something.

Unfortunately, he is a psychological therapist with a Master's degree. I am the ONLY person that he has opened up to.

We met on the internet and in person and I've been to his place and he has been to mine.

Yes, I was surprised that it worked so fast for him. Generally the trials for depression meds can take months. Usually there is a guess and a trial and then try to increase to the max or theraputic dosage or until an unbearable side effect occurs.

Unfortunately, anti-depressants can increase or decrease suicide risk, so it's important to get off them promptly if these occur. Generally, it's advisable to slowly wean off the medications.

It might be prescribed like this: 100 mg 1x perday for 1 week. If tolerated, then increase to 2x per day.

If it were me. I'd get a 30 day supply with renewals prescribed as 1 tablet 2x/day. It's understood by you and your doctor what the real directions are. Happens all the time. Hardly any of my directions are right.

From drugstore.com, the price of the drug is about $200/60 tab and Welbutrin SR it's available in 3 strengths. It works for 12 hours. I would recommend bedtime and noon, the mfr doesn't.

My doc is receptive with dosing. He'll just say, whatever works, works.

Your parent's are both taking anti-depressants, so because of hereditary issues, you are probably a candidate too.

[asking]

I read online while I was freaking out that night that some people could take half a bottle and be okay.

That would depend entirely on the dosage of the pills in the bottle and the size of the bottle. Junior tablets are 160 mg, regular strength are 325 mg, extra strength are 500 mg.

Just to address this concretely. The National Institutes of Health (NIH) website says this:

You should not take more than 4000 mg of acetaminophen a day. Taking more, especially 7000 mg or more, can lead to a severe overdose if not treated.

For 500 mg (extra strength), 4000 mg is 8 pills and 7000 is 14. There is a big difference between "a day" and all at once. You took yours all at once. Also, "you" varies. If you are a 250 pound guy you are going to be able to handle more than if you are a much smaller woman, which you are.

NIH also says: "Symptoms may not occur until 12 or more hours after the acetaminophen was swallowed." This probably explains why you felt crummy the next day. How are you feeling physically now? You sound better.

You might also want to call the poison control center number just to chat about this and to ease your mind about calling them if you are in crisis again and take more pills--which I hope you don't:

The National Poison Control Center (1-800-222-1222) can be called from anywhere in the United States. This national hotline number will let you talk to experts in poisoning. They will give you further instructions.

This is a free and confidential service. All local poison control centers in the United States use this national number. You should call if you have any questions about poisoning or poison prevention. It does NOT need to be an emergency. You can call for any reason, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

... I'm thinking volunteer work. Sort of like the peace corp, but not really as I do not have a college degree. Maybe with animals or the environment as the victim instead. I'm afraid college and life experience will stand in my way.

Which means learning cpr and survival skills. Probably getting a job and license in the mean time. I just don't want to be here even a month. I may even have to go online or take night classes, if the loans will transfer and it's absolutely necessary. I can't do dorm life again.


I'm not sure if it's depression or just that I am constantly where I'm not supposed to be with the wrong people. I spent a week camping, rock climbing, white water rafting, and back packing before college. In the smaller setting and with my spending the majority of my time with people older than me or more mature; I was pretty content. I prefer people older and more experienced than me. They are so much more interesting and accepting, and you can learn a lot from them..


I do hear what you are saying about me killing myself slowly. That's why I need to keep moving..

Yes. This all sounds very good to me. You are thinking about things constructively. I like the outdoors too... :)

Vista only requires that you be 18.

The Youth Conservation Corps is outdoors in national parks. There are similar state programs.

Also, there's VolunteerMatch - Where Volunteering Begins.

Still, give yourself time to think things through, and make an appointment today with a counselor, psychiatrist or just a regular doctor. That needs to be part of your plan.

In addition, ask for a liver function test. It's just a blood test, but you should have one.

[give2me1lemons]

This is what I have been looking at...

GVI Volunteer Abroad Programs in Africa South America, Asia & Europe
Crewing at Sea - Sea Shepherd

The first would definitely require I work and save a lot of money. I'd have to look into the programs more, but it appears as though you don't go into the programs with degrees and qualification but rather leave with them. Again, too good to be true?

The second is a group of potential outlaws, if you watch whale wars. I've only seen a couple episodes, but my dad says they were arrested for ramming a boat. I'm not about to become a pirate or "eco-terrorist". I just like that the lodging and food is provided for, and I'd be a part of something worthwhile-even if I'm just a small, nearly insignifigant part. I'd have to learn cpr though, at least, and be open to a very extended time at sea.

My dad says I'm an adrenaline junkie. I know I'm restless and impulsive. I like the extreme..


5'6ish and 120lbs isn't quite lightweight either. I do feel better, physically. I was definitely off for a while-even riding in the car or elevator was a bit much. I'm inclined to motion sickness as it is, but my head and stomach felt pretty fragile.


I don't know if you can say those were suicide attempts. It wasn't my initial goal, but I accepted it as a potential outcome. The last time, when I took 21, I saw it as a likely outcome and made myself throw them up. I also don't think you can say I have "huge sexual urges". I'm 18 and a virgin, so it's not surprising I want to know what sex is like. At any rate, I said I wanted to be "held" meaning lie next to a guy with his arms around me. That's not sex. You make it sound so easy to get the pills. Wouldn't it be "drug seeking behavior" if I went to a doctor and said "hey, these people I've been talking to think I have high anxiety and depression and suggested Wellbutrin. Can you write me a slip and call this a day?"

Okay, exaggeration. I know my mind doesn't work the way most people's do. I am incredibly indecisive. I can go back and forth on the pros and cons of a decision forever and still be unsure when I've finally forced myself to make it. I just don't feel right getting this help while I am reliant on family still. I'm 18, but the money and insurance has to come from somewhere. I'd need a ride to these places and people. My problem with the college was that the center was on campus and through the college. I just need it strictly between me and whoever is helping..

[KISS]

If you approach it right it's not pill seeking.

You can use the list on the website that I showed earlier. You can use the approach that " I have these issues and check them off on the sheet. Hand them to the doc.

Fill in more details with examples.

You can tell him that "my parents take anti-depressants" Find out the name of the drug.

Then use the "It's been suggested that Welbutrin be a first order trial for me". What do you think?

If you approach it right, it's not a problem.

Your letting the doc make the decision.

I've had just the opposite relationships. Went to doc the first time and she suggested possibilities and asked me to do some research on the web and select one for a trial. I only saw this doc about 1x before that happened.

My other doc worked on a different approach and this is the one that's usually taken. Lets try drugs that will do little harm and ones that cost the least. I proposed drugs for trials. He proposed drugs for trials. One was Botox for an off label use. That would cost me $500, so it was "on the back burner", but eventually tried.

Being "proactive" helps, but some docs aren't that receptive.

[give2me1lemons]

So I emailed the GVI volunteer people and asked them some questions. They take a lot of people fresh out of high school, taking a year off college or just looking for something to do. I could do it.. I just need a job to cover the expenses. Depending on the trip, I can already afford half. It's just you need to pay your own air faire too. I'm developing a plan. College is still a possibility later..


Do I really need medication and therapy, or just to stop doing for anyone but myself?
The liver function test, I understand. I just don't really understand myself. I don't know if I have an illness or am just eccentric with low self esteem..


Maybe no one is truly depressed. Maybe we are all just trying to be something we are not.