[Starry nights]

Pslayne,I am a bit late in joining the thread on your problem but I went through all of your posts and everybody else's opinions on them too.

I feel:

>Both of you are extremely stubborn and egoistic.I have a pretty confirmed feeling you both still have feelings for each other yet both of you are testing each other to breaking point.You sound to be waiting for her to break enough to come running to you(since you are pretty much convinced that she's got her flaws--anger,immaturity,childishness,jealousy,insecurity) ,yet in my opinion,you don't overrule the fact that even you acted in haste and had given her reasons to irk her in the past.See,everybody has a past and comes with some amount of emotional baggage.Maybe what happened with her parents has made her so defensive and protective of herself.It could be anything but the point is,you still lover her but feel that she should be the one to come back to you.

Why?If you look at this situation very very objectively(which is next to impossible since you are the person going through this all and we are bystanders almost),the incident that lead you to walk away from her was an incident at a restaurant AFTER you mentioned going to a party where your exes would be.Theres a connection here.If you already know she was insecure about your past,the mention of the party could have triggered mad jealousy in her,right?Maybe yes,maybe not.But if you are looking for a reason,this could be one.So why are we crying that we don't have a reason or she's not giving you closure?Previously,you yourself laid down the pattern of making up with her,isn't it,maybe she's got so used to that,she's waiting for the same kind of action.

>>Most of your posts reek of a misgiving of not having tried enough,if I am not mistaken.See,NC is the last and final step taken by somebody who knows they don t have anything to look forward to in a relationship,so they should go NC to TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.NC's not about making the other person feel jealous,or miss you so that they come running after you.It appears when you started NC,that's what you started on--imagining that it would make her miss you so much she would want to come back.I'm not even sure you are convinced why you went NC when all along your heart was set on the picture of her coming back to you.If that's the case Pslayne,then give this relationship(or ex-relationship,if you want to be politically correct),a shot yourself instead of applying manipulative tactics to make her come back.Go NC only when you have given it your LAST and BEST shot,after which NC does seem like the only option.

You go all defensive when Tal and Amicon try to tell you to just dump this woman and move on.Yet you prefer sticking to Winding's opinion about your ex coming back to you.truth is,we all are here to listen and help,am sure we all have different takes on this problem.But see your own reactions to our advice.You get mad at us for suggesting you dump her because ALL ALONG,the only thing you are WAITING for,is for your ex to come back to you on her knees and beg you to take her back.Am I sounding too harsh when I am saying all this?I am just trying to take an analytical approach to all the things you yourself have said in your posts.Adding all that up,it seems to me,you are nowhere near wanting to end this relationship.Neither are you following the NC as a step forward in your life.Bottomline,I feel,you want this to work somehow yet your ego and all the hurt and humiliation you have felt because of this woman is holding you back from reaching out to her.

As someone said Pslayne,we live only once.NC is OK for people who want to live and survive AFTER they feel they want to end the hurtful relationships in their life.After a point,it really comes naturally to these people(like us),who really want to do it in order to heal and recover.Very clearly,that doesn't apply to you.Then why BS yourself?Why keep up this restraint when all you want to do is make this work?Instead,why not take matters in your own hand and decide to make a final effort.A VERY LAST EFFORT.Forget ego,hurt,pain,be prepared to have a confrontation.DONT EXPECT anything.Dont think just by doing this you will win her back.You may,you may not.You don't know how she will react,right?

But do it because YOU want to do it.Do it because YOU want closure.DO it because otherwise you'll not be able to live your life happily and your process of healing(if it comes to that)will just get delayed.

All the best.

[winding200]

Walking away is the easiest way to deal with the broken relationship to protect self.
Sticking with NC is hard, because it requires patience and persistency. You have done it successfully, and you proved me your love is deep, and you have determination.
The real courage is dealing with the issue without denial, and fixing it with determination.

Go Pslyne,
You have waited enough to make her think through. Go out, deal with the issue, and fight hard without holding back. Go!

[pslayne2233]

Hi Starry Nights,
I appreciate your response. You, like Winding 200, are quite perceptive in your analysis. I did take the NC approach in giving both my ex and I some time to reflect on our relationship, in hopes that she would see the respect and love I have displayed. One issue I believe you are overlooking is that she broke off a wedding and an engagement. Also I do agree with you that the party I asked her to accompany me with, did cause her to overreact with jealousy and rage, but what I was thinking was we were together a full year since the first party, so lets work together through her insecurities, making our relationship stronger. Coincidentally, not one of my ex's were there, making this issue even sadder and unnecessary.


I wouldn't say that I was using NC as a manipulation but protection. Again, she broke off a wedding and when asked why, she replied because I didn't tell her not to..? She also changed her phone number and moved to a place somewhere I couldn't reach out to her, all just two weeks after our breakup..? Initially, I tried everything with no avail. What was I to do? I also feel I did the ultimate act of respect and love to her, I let her go like she asked. I gave up my life for her. Of course I still love her, but she did the unthinkable and I have to protect myself. I don't want her to come back begging but to say she made a mistake and she wants to work at getting back what we lost. This was her decision not mine, I didn't have a say in this matter. I tried to get her back, I wrote long emails professing my mistakes and how much love I had for her, I went to her work asking to talk and forgiveness, I went to her old address, pleading and crying to give it one more shot. My effort went unnoticed. Do you really think she still has feelings for me?? All of her actions from the start of our breakup until now indicates absolutely not. You are correct when you say I am nowhere near
Wanting the end of our relationship, but unfortunately have to accept its over. The wedding day is a month away and that is the last obstacle I have to hurdle to really start the healing process, admittedly its killing me. So as to the NC, it was a bifold attempt to protect myself and hopefully have her want our relationship back.


In regards to me giving it one more shot at reconciliation, I feel it is her move. She gave me the old cliche--"If you love someting let it go if it comes back its yours if not it was never meant to be" mix that with the humiliation of the restaurant scene and her breaking off a wedding, clearly it is her responsibility to make a move. I don't expect one. So if it appears Im being stubborn and egotistic, I have a right to be. What she has done and doing is selfish and mean and I don't need that.

Finally, its not that I don't respect what Tal, Amicon and the others say, its just that it was somewhat harsh but true that's all. Winding 200 supplied a more gentle and thorough interpretation of the matter, ones I fully appreciate her kindness and patience for.

Thanks to all,
pslayne2233

[amicon]

Sometimes we just have to close the book on what didn't work.However hurtful that may be.We need to let go of the confusion and move on with our lives.Hoping you re OK and best of luck.

[pslayne2233]

Amicon you are right when you say sometimes we just have to move on.. That's what the mind says but the heart may say another . Thank you for the encourging kind words.. Best of luck to you as well

[Starry nights]

Hi Starry Nights,
I appreciate your response. You, like Winding 200, are quite perceptive in your analysis. I did take the NC approach in giving both my ex and I some time to reflect on our relationship, in hopes that she would see the respect and love I have displayed. One issue I believe you are overlooking is that she broke off a wedding and an engagement. Also I do agree with you that the party I asked her to accompany me with, did cause her to overreact with jealousy and rage, but what I was thinking was we were together a full year since the first party, so lets work together through her insecurities, making our relationship stronger. Coincidentally, not one of my ex's were there, making this issue even sadder and unnecessary.


I wouldnt say that I was using NC as a manipulation but protection. Again, she broke off a wedding and when asked why, she replied because I didnt tell her not to..??? She also changed her phone number and moved to a place somewhere I couldnt reach out to her, all just two weeks after our breakup..??? Initially, I tried everything with no avail. What was I to do?? I also feel I did the ultimate act of respect and love to her, I let her go like she asked. I gave up my life for her. Of course I still love her, but she did the unthinkable and I have to protect myself. I dont want her to come back begging but to say she made a mistake and she wants to work at getting back what we lost. This was her decision not mine, I didnt have a say in this matter. I tried to get her back, I wrote long emails professing my mistakes and how much love I had for her, I went to her work asking to talk and forgiveness, I went to her old address, pleading and crying to give it one more shot. My effort went unnoticed. Do you really think she still has feelings for me???? All of her actions from the start of our breakup til now indicates absolutely not. You are correct when you say I am nowhere near
wanting the end of our relationship, but unfortunately have to accept its over. The wedding day is a month away and that is the last obstacle I have to hurdle to really start the healing process, admittedly its killing me. So as to the NC, it was a bifold attempt to protect myself and hopefully have her want our relationship back.


In regards to me giving it one more shot at reconciliation, I feel it is her move. She gave me the old cliche--"If you love someting let it go if it comes back its yours if not it was never meant to be" mix that with the humiliation of the restaurant scene and her breaking off a wedding, clearly it is her responsibility to make a move. I dont expect one. So if it appears Im being stubborn and egotistic, I have a right to be. What she has done and doing is selfish and mean and I dont need that.

Finally, its not that I dont respect what Tal, Amicon and the others say, its just that it was somewhat harsh but true thats all. Winding 200 supplied a more gentle and thorough interpretation of the matter, ones I fully appreciate her kindness and patience for.

Thanks to all,
pslayne2233

Pslayne,seems like I either overlooked it or you didn't make too much of your efforts in trying to get her back in your posts,which may have elicited that repsonse from me of you having a misgiving of not trying too much.

This post of yours is in a way,much more surer and well-defined,as to what your mental state is.You sound heart-broken but somehow more in control of what you have to do about the entire situation,as well.If your ex has gone to the extent of resisting all your efforts in trying to get back and wants to be let free,then I think,yes,your decision of moving on and going NC applies here.Absolutely and completely.Like I keep saying,we may not accept the ground of a break-up or why somebody we love leaves us,but if they do,we just need to take them at face value,accept their reasons and do what we need to do in order to move ahead.

Its good that you feel you have done everything humanely possible to get her back.This thought will bring more peace,in times of healing,since you will know,deep down in your heart,that you have no regrets for not having tried enough.If you still want to give it one final,absolute last try(before which you tell yourself you have nothing to lose and you are simply doing this to cross-check and prepare yourself to get into the break-up and move on mindset),you still can give it a last attempt,friend,because more than anything,its your own feelings and heart at stake here.

Once we cross the stage of FINALISING the break,in our minds,comes the reaction phase--where you initially are in denial,then you grieve,give vent to all your feelings and then you are ready for the HEALING phase--the bestest phase where you discover life once again and feel the need to work on yourself enough to be able to feel love,happiness and joy once again.

Before I end Pslayne,I'll summarise - Do you want to have a final go at this and get your own closure and then start the NC and HEALING process completely OR do you want to save your already-bruised heart a final hurt and go NC and HEALING immediately?

Because once you decide,there's no looking back.Once you start NC this time,all of us here will ensure you follow the NC rules to the T and don't lapse into the state you are in now.We are good at reprimanding and getting people back on track,simply because all of us have suffered and gone through what you are going through:)

Keep us posted and all my best.

[pslayne2233]

Hello hope all is well with everyone! Just an update to my situation... my relationship has been over since early June.. I attempted to reconcile to no avail.. Went into NC since then. My ex has treated me and our relationship harshly, but has been emotionally erratic in the past. Our wedding date is approaching next week. I never realized the impact that upcoming day would have on me. I broke down and sent my ex a message on Facebook telling her I missed her and still love her.. What I got in return was a block from her. No reply no question of how Im doing. Just a block from any possible future communication. I thought the pending date might have an impact on her as well. Maybe she needs to act like this to protect herself or is just a plain self centered jerk? I am finding hard to believe that 3 years with someone could act so coldly.. I am at a loss for words.

[Starry nights]

Pslayne--your situation isn't easy at all, and the fact that the date that you had fixed as your wedding date is just round the corner, isn't making things any easier.

That's the whole point and challenge of NC,the battle against one's ownself.You need to be your strongest,most determined,gritty best now.The more you give in to the momentary desire of reaching out,or making yourself believe that your weak feelings are justified since what was your wedding date is nearing,the more you are causing yourself sorrow and pain.

Spare yourself that.Strengthen your resolve and be harsh with yourself only because you want to think of your own good.You have tried,have left no stone unturned,begged,explained,texted,spoken--has anything worked?No,right?What more proof do you want that its just not going to happen?How much more hurt?

Be around friends and family at this time.Ask them to keep you engaged,take you out,ask for their help to bail you out and keep you busy these days,in order to avoid thinking about the wedding date.Work out,go to the movies(goofy,silly ones especially!),read,do anything.

Remember,there's only this much that other people can do for you.They have their own battles to fight.If you don't stand up for yourself and protect yourself,no one else will.