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wikedjuggalo · Sep 19, 2008, 06:07 PM

Originally Posted by BrewCrew0981

Life does have a way of showing us things. You and I will both be better people when this is all said and done. When we first broke up, I thought I was being punished for wrong things I did in the past. Not anymore. I'm taking this as a learning experience, whether I find another mate or not.

Made a mistake today or did I? I saw her myspace and she is all over this new guy but you know what instead of being mad it just made me realize. She was not over me like that. Just goes to show that my feelings were stronger then hers. I'm glad its over before we got down further on this road. It does sting a little but you know o well. I can see she is truly in love with this guy I will find a girl who will love me as much as I love them !

wikedjuggalo · Sep 19, 2008, 06:49 PM

On a better note this girl I have been talking to has helped me a lot. Every time I talk to her she puts a smile on my face. I keep telling myself take it easy but I cannot help it. I have not really felt like this towards anyone. Trying to take it easy I am. One door closes another opens.

wikedjuggalo · Sep 20, 2008, 03:11 AM

Another dream involving her I want to just write it out here.
The longer time goes past it the less I will remember.

Basically I was leaving a class when I saw her. But she was different wearing a lot of goth stuff (She never has). She said Hi and I said hey how's it going. She replied good I'm going to meet up with a bunch of guys. She would not look me in the eyes.

For some reason I felt the urge to tell her this in my dream, I grabbed her and said Britt I love you and this is why I'm telling you this. Don't do something with them you'll regret like having a kid don't screw you life up. After that she just walked off.

Not sure what the hell it is meant to mean. But just upsetting I had another dream involving her.

cowboyjai · Sep 20, 2008, 03:21 AM

Ahhh damn man, that sucks .

How you holding up otherwise? Today has sucked for me, I feel like I'm dying again

wikedjuggalo · Sep 20, 2008, 04:36 AM

Originally Posted by cowboyjai

ahhh damn man, that sucks .

How you holding up otherwise? Today has sucked for me, I feel like I'm dying again

I'm holding in there. I have work from 8 to 6 (Its 7:30 AM) so I'll be busy. Hold in there buddy take it one day at a time. I read your other post just haven't had time to comment man. Keep your head up and we all will get through the rough patches.

pbc12 · Sep 20, 2008, 07:03 AM

Okay friend I have read through most of your post and read a lot of the responses.. Well I went through the same thing earlier this year, and let me tell you from my experience a break is just that... LOL Even though I never wanted to listen to it when people told me I realized it finally. I was told to give space and then I was the guy on the side and always went to her house and did favors around the house, all along while someone else was enjoying the fruit.

Now I had a really rough time but I did find the inner strength to move on. It was hard but like I told a lot of friends and family, everything I was doing and working on even when going over and still doing things for her was my full cup. By that I mean I gave it my best and my all. I don't have any regrets nor those thoughts of I could have done this or that. After so much I was finally able to say, "you know what I am done. Time to move on", and I did. Took a lot of inner strength but I did, but because you are the better person you will be remembered.

There are times I have dreams too, and I wake up saying "what the heck was THAT???" lol but it is a part of life. I will always love that person, but I will never be with that person, but carry that love somewhere else. I did decide not to carry the hurt or the burden on to the next person as it would not be fair to them or me. Everyone deserves a chance and you deserve a chance to find someone more deserving of you then that person who left you. Trust me good or bad she will remember you, so feel good about yourself. To keep thoughts of her in your mind and in sight is to hurt yourself, rather see her car or whatever and say wow, I sure am glad I am not with that car anymore... LOL sorry had to bring some sort of humor to your life.. That's it... Cause I tend to do it a lot. Bring humor into your life, laugh a lot and love a lot of people around you. Especially those who have comforted you during these times.

Now I dated a lot of women since then but I did explain my situation from the get go. I simply explained the past relationship and said hey if this doesn't work out, at least I gain a new friend, and you know what? I still talk to them just as friends. Isn't that great? I do now have a beautiful girlfriend who WOW has so much more to offer... Never really thought of it but sometimes the bad things in life that hurt open your eyes to the things your missing right in front of you. Oh yeah, my biggest move for me that helped me the most... I WENT BACK TO CHURCH... and put my life and direction in GODS hands.. Not saying that's what you should do, but faith in something is what every person should have and will place either a path for you or point you in the right direction...

One more thing. Great your going to school and finishing the most important thing in your life. Doing something for YOU...

wikedjuggalo · Sep 20, 2008, 11:23 AM

Its still fresh. And I think I have come a long way from when I first posted. I know I have. Like I said looking at her myspace opened my eyes even more. Goes to show the love I thought she had for me was not there. I know what I had for her and I just will have to find someone who will share those feelings with me. Mind you it does sting but In time it will stop. I'm glad she is able to find someone she wants to spend the rest of her life with because in the end I look back on everything that we did and take it as a learning experience. Because if I do not then what is the point of going through this?

I do not look back and feel I could have done something differently to change her. I let go of that. I do not know life has its ways of working. Just going to be patient. I cannot stop the thoughts but they are defiantly not as intense.

BrewCrew0981 · Sep 20, 2008, 06:59 PM

I'm glad it's all coming together for you, wiked. I'm sure I'll be there soon. Sounds like we have similar stories. Girls left only to replace you near immediately with someone else. To have fun with, cuddle with, watch movies with, date with, have sex with, etc. It hurts, but it gets better day by day. We'll get over that hump soon!

wikedjuggalo · Sep 20, 2008, 07:26 PM

This has turned into an online journal kind of.

Today was long work day. I got there at 8 AM and didn't leave till past 7PM. It was fine expect memories pop up because I work only about a mile from where she lives. I hope the dreams tonight won't be bad. Its hard to wake up after one and act calm. Everything seems so distant in the past. I just really do not want to see her face I just do not want to ever talk to her after this hurt. I will and still do have feelings for her.

I had a decent amount of energy today work even though I did not get tons of sleep. A Co worker brought up her and had a small talk about her. I kind of wish I had not but its what ever.

Tomorrow I am helping my neighbhor who I do not really know or talk to replace his alternator because he is mechanically handicapped (I mean that as nicely as possible). I do not mind working on cars or computers. It something I like doing. I got to do some studying for my physics class falling behind because of how I was a freaking zombie those days. I failed a quiz in there but the quiz's only count 13% so I'll be all right.

Someone else has been distracting my mind lately. But I had a conversation with her and we both agreed not to put a title on anything and wait a bit. I know she is still recovering and so am I. I do not want to ruin something that might be great by jumping in it. I do have feelings for her but I do not want to possible ruin it by jumping too soon.

I did not get my check from school like I was hoping today but maybe Monday it will be here. I need a vacation.

All in all o.k day besides those damned dreams. I am staying away even more from alcohol after reading jai's story.

cowboyjai · Sep 20, 2008, 10:58 PM

Tell me about it. Man, I really want to call her and ask her out for dinner.

I almost need someone to talk me down from doing it.

wikedjuggalo · Sep 22, 2008, 12:35 PM

Well today was going good I got my pay check until a number popped on up on cellphone. I did not answer because I knew who it was. Even though I can't for the life of me remember the exact number of her cellphone When I saw it I knew I just knew who it was. I did not want to talk to her. So I did not. I let it go to voicemail. She did not leave one but good. I had a moment of weakness and was like maybe I should call her back but I resisted. I deleted the number out of my phone just in case of a moment of weakness later.

*Sigh* It was tough. I did not get too upset or anything but now I wonder should I have had. But the answer is no I should not have and that's what I did. My gut said do not answer it and I listened. Either she was calling to see how I was doing to ease her guilt or to apologize I do not want to hear it. She just cut me too deep. I just do not want to talk or see her again. At least right now.

I gave her the world. I was there for her during the rough times she had in her life and she was there for me. She even cried with me when I found out my father has Leukemia. Humans are too complicated to understand. Damn emotions.

But I am letting it go trying not to let it bother me too deeply. I am proud of myself for not calling back or anything.

talaniman · Sep 22, 2008, 12:43 PM

That is a step in the right direction. Small victories add up, well done!

cowboyjai · Sep 23, 2008, 03:03 AM

Holy **** man, good work! That takes major steel. I probably would have answered... it's why I changed my number (I guess that was dealing with it in my own way).

Major props, keep us updated

busterite · Sep 23, 2008, 03:16 AM

I just do not want to talk or see her again. At least right now.

You are being rational and definitely doing the right thing here. Keep it up! Might have stirred up some emotions but you have gone through much worse. Remind yourself that if she calls again or tries to contact you.

wikedjuggalo · Sep 23, 2008, 05:21 AM

Well I had another dream last night.

I was on the phone with her and I do not know why. But she was telling me how she was going to date this guy named
Jamie. I asked her if her and terry were working she replied nah. Then she went on to tell me how she was going to
Go to a play with etc. I then asked her if she was ever happy with me. She replied "No not really.. I just wanted
sex"To be honest I do not remember exactly what she said she wanted I think it was sex. I think the word she used
Was man meat I do not clearly remember. At that point I could hear her step mother in the background saying "You
only went out with for that?" and she said "Yeah'. Which her step mother contiuned to call her a lot of names and
They got into an argument. I found the end a little funny because her step mother always said she did not derserve
Me.

My ex is not really that kind of person. But who knows.She did what she did to me.

cantbelieveit · Sep 23, 2008, 08:19 AM

I really hate dreams about the ex it messes with my head. Keep up your strength with the NC. Very impressive you ignored the call and didn't act on the urge to call the number back.

wikedjuggalo · Sep 23, 2008, 11:56 AM

Funny thing today. I found my new shorts shagging :O now I do not wear my clothes like that :D Guess I lost a little weight.

BrewCrew0981 · Sep 23, 2008, 01:44 PM

Haha, wicked. I hear that. I lost 12 lbs the weeks after we broke up. Nothing to do now but try to get it back in muscle!

wikedjuggalo · Sep 23, 2008, 02:19 PM

Originally Posted by BrewCrew0981

Haha, wicked. I hear that. I lost 12 lbs the weeks after we broke up. Nothing to do now but try to get it back in muscle!

Lol well I am not keep track I just know that my shorts never sagged before and now they do :D

wikedjuggalo · Sep 24, 2008, 06:07 AM

Well today is going to be rough have school and work total of 12 hours today but that nor my ex will be on my mind. My father started his bone marrow transplant and I'm very afraid of him rejecting it. His wife (my stepmother) will be calling me at any moment to let me know how it goes. I do not know what I would do if I lost him. He has always been there with the greatest advice for me. I love him.