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Justwantfair · Jul 13, 2009, 07:08 PM

Our stories are similar and I do alternate from weak to strong. I know I can do it alone, but wanting to is the more difficult part. I want to have that wand, the one little girls dream of that keeps all of the great qualities we love and we can keep our Prince Charming.

I know that I was frustrated to no end after three years and here I still am, hoping that whatever he can't legally commit to while emotionally and physically committing to will be fixed. Sooner or later, I will have to realize it's a false hope.

I can't even imagine nine years in the predicament, I don't have any more strength for bending and patience, but there is a lot to lose and I understand that weight as well. Sometimes I believe that I have to accept who he is because I dislike the alternative.

paxe · Jul 13, 2009, 07:13 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Our stories are similar and I do alternate from weak to strong. I know I can do it alone, but wanting to is the more difficult part. I want to have that wand, the one little girls dream of that keeps all of the great qualities we love and we can keep our Prince Charming.

I know that I was frustrated to no end after three years and here I still am, hoping that whatever he can't legally commit to while emotionally and physically committing to will be fixed. Sooner or later, I will have to realize it's a false hope.

I can't even imagine nine years in the predicament, I don't have any more strength for bending and patience, but there is alot to lose and I understand that weight as well. Sometimes I believe that I have to accept who he is because I dislike the alternative.

I am not sure if anybody asked you this yet since I haven't read all the thread, but why are YOU proposing to him? I mean if you want to marry him, ask him in the most romantic setting ever (with some erotism). It is old school to wait so that he can ask you to marry him.

Justwantfair · Jul 13, 2009, 07:20 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

I am not sure if anybody asked you this yet since I haven't read all the thread, but why are YOU proposing to him? I mean if you want to marry him, ask him in the most romantic setting ever (with some erotism). It is old school to wait so that he can ask you to marry him.

I know his current concerns and I would hope that when he is ready he will do the proposing. It's his commitment to make, he is the one who isn't ready, my proposal wouldn't promote the result that I would want.

I would have no hesitation proposing if I felt he was emotional ready.

paxe · Jul 14, 2009, 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I know his current concerns and I would hope that when he is ready he will do the proposing. It's his commitment to make, he is the one who isn't ready, my proposal wouldn't promote the result that I would want.

I would have no hesitation proposing if I felt he was emotional ready.

Well in that case, talk to him. It may be silly, but to my mind, I'll make everything work before I would break with someone. I'll make sure that all options have been exhausted and talk and talk again and if then it doesn't work I would break up. You need to think rationally about your decisions. Ask him why he isn't ready? Is he afraid of commitment? Maybe if you really feel strongly about a weeding, hint to him that you are going to leave him.

88sunflower · Jul 17, 2009, 11:36 AM

Just checking in to see how things were going.
Hope your doing OK.

Justwantfair · Jul 17, 2009, 12:00 PM

Still in limbo.

I think we are trying to work things out, but I don't know that it will give us any progress and I don't think that I am emotionally prepared to wait around on him any longer.

We had to register the kids for their new schools :( and we are waiting to see how court goes next Tuesday. Thankfully we don't have any real beef that we can't make it through this time.

88sunflower · Jul 17, 2009, 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Still in limbo.

I think we are trying to work things out, but I don't know that it will give us any progress and I don't think that I am emotionally prepared to wait around on him any longer.

We had to register the kids for their new schools :( and we are waiting to see how court goes next Tuesday. Thankfully we don't have any real beef that we can't make it through this time.

Well I guess in a sense that's good. Its not worse. Not any better for you but it didn't get worse. It just sucks you have that lingering over your head you know. Have you been able to talk at all?

Justwantfair · Jul 17, 2009, 12:18 PM

Yeah we have talked about the issues, last Sunday. He felt like I was short and hateful to him. We both feel unappreciated and not understood. Really we found some relationship issues that require both of us to work on. Not to say that I don't personally see the root problem, but he said he is not ready to marry.

::shrug:: It was a lot of stuff that should have been addressed prior. I told him we are fighting against his emotional wall and we can't get around it, he is guarded and although I know he lets me peek over, the wall is still there. We talked about everything going on with him and the kids and he seems to have adjusted well to being a FT step-father which is something that scared him for a long time and now it's us falling apart. :(

88sunflower · Jul 17, 2009, 12:31 PM

Go figure huh? He conquers one battle and is fighting another.
Well I was just wondering. You have been quiet. Wanted to make sure you were OK. I will listen any time. No matter how big or small.

Justwantfair · Jul 17, 2009, 12:38 PM

Yeah, I will be back when something more definite occurs. Right now I feel like that back peddler. Five years is hard to walk away from when there is only one serious problem and I constinently walk back and forth on how important the one issue is v. everything great we have. :(

Definitely keep everyone posted.

Justwantfair · Sep 8, 2009, 12:33 PM

UPDATE: Things had been going well, the custody battle had ended and it had weighed in my favor. Sunday I was caught for some playful banter that was inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship. Although there wasn't anything serious meant in the banter, I have hurt someone I love termendously with the action.

Although it is not determined if it was in anger yet, I have 'two weeks' to find a new place to stay and things have been horribly uncomfortable at home. I am treated as if I did cheat and being about as close to the scum of the Earth right now. I have apologized, which I sincerely mean, twice. I have never seen such a look of hatred from my partner. It has been less than 48 hours and I don't know if or how to fix this situation, although I really would like to.

Any suggestions?

amicon · Sep 8, 2009, 12:39 PM

Could you elaborate on what happened as regards the banter?has your partner been jealous before?and are there any other underlying issues for your partner at the moment?

Justwantfair · Sep 8, 2009, 12:45 PM

It was playful, joking pertaining to a sexual nature, but it was in fun not serious. It was inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship, but my intent was not to disrespect him or our relationship. I have always been a flirt and I love talking about sex. I imagine it hurt my partner to read something flirty in nature with someone else. I am not saying that I am not in the wrong, I know that I am.

My partner has never been jealous before and I think that he did feel threatened, although it wasn't serious and my partner had no reason to believe that it might be.

I don't know about the underlying issues, we were having a decent day, I thought. It was my daughter's birthday party that day.

amicon · Sep 8, 2009, 01:08 PM

It could be that he has minded but not said anything before,maybe this latest was the straw that broke the camels back?you ve been together for a long time-couldnt you ask him to sit down and talk it through?calmly and sensibly?

Justwantfair · Sep 8, 2009, 01:24 PM

Thus far, calm and civil, is far from where he is. He is at broading and angry. If he had minded I would have corrected the behavior, it's just in fun, but I would never intentionally want to hurt his feelings.

talaniman · Sep 8, 2009, 03:13 PM

Let him cool off, and see if he wants to talk, a few days maybe, but if he is not wiling to work it out, take a long break from him.

That's when guys "go fishing" to chill and gain perspective.

Justwantfair · Sep 9, 2009, 06:53 AM

Thanks Tal, I am trying to make things right. I know I was out of line. Last night we talked, he is still angry (he has had about 48 hours with the information). I know that he sees it as a serious betrayal, which was not my intention because it wasn't serious. He said that we will keep things civil but that I still need to move out. He is still forcing me to sleep on the couch, as in his words, I do not belong in his bed.

How long do I let him stew on this?
Could a flirty conversation necessitate a break-up?
I have offered for him to have every screen name and password to anything, he is allowed to check my phone whenever he would like. I have never felt like I had anything to hide from him and I still don't. I know that he isn't going to see the playfulness of the conversation, he is reading it the way it hurts him most, like it was a serious hook up arrangement.

Am I approaching him too early?

amicon · Sep 9, 2009, 07:05 AM

His deep anger makes me suspect that he has had issues around this for quite some time.if he s not ready to talk you can't force him.maybe you should ask yourself why you act the flirt? I d try one more discussion with him but if he s adamant he s not going to change his mind Id move out sooner rather than later however painful that would be.

Justwantfair · Sep 9, 2009, 07:12 AM

He has insecurity issues.

I do not flirt with anyone that it would even be fiasable to have a relationship with. I flirt with people that I know are aware that it is only flirting and that I am not interesting in leading anyone on. I flirt because I am comfortable and I am open and I enjoy talking about sex.

I love my partner, if I ever knew how much something like this would hurt him, I would never have partcipated. My heart is with him. If I was guilty of something I would walk away and know that I failed the relationship, in a way, I have failed the relationship, but not in an unfixable manner.

amicon · Sep 9, 2009, 07:34 AM

If he feels betrayed that's the way he feels even though you didn't intend any betrayal.his insecurity issues would magnify his sense of betrayal.like I said before try talking to him one more time -if he s still angry and can't or won't change his mind you need to take charge of your situation and act.