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star3114 · Sep 25, 2007, 07:34 PM

Changing a behavior is one thing, but don't try to undergo a personality change to be what you think she wants. Be yourself.
People can get into ruts sometimes and perhaps she thinks that this is the only way out of her rut. I have been married for a long time... I know about ruts. When you are with someone for an extended period it can happen. The key is to have a game plan when you get in those ruts so you don't feel the need to bale. Perhaps this can give you some food for thought. I would refrain from discussing it with her at this point. She doesn't need anything else to think about right now.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2007, 07:38 PM

She may have just grown out of you too. She was 18 and is now 22. A person changes a lot in that time. She could just not want the same things now that she wanted then. She may want a different kind of person altogether.

bummedout4 · Sep 25, 2007, 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by star3114

Changing a behavior is one thing, but don't try to undergo a personality change to be what you think she wants. Be yourself.
People can get into ruts sometimes and perhaps she thinks that this is the only way out of her rut. I have been married for a long time...I know about ruts. When you are with someone for an extended period of time it can happen. The key is to have a game plan when you get in those ruts so you don't feel the need to bale. Perhaps this can give you some food for thought. I would refrain from discussing it with her at this point. She doesnt need anything else to think about right now.

So how can I show her that we were just in a rut and that's not how the rest of our lives would be if we were to be together? I think she sees her parents, who are not happy with each other, and is scared that if she settles she will end up like them. I know that I can make her happy and I am stupid for letting it get so far but it seems like something so simple that could be fixed and improved. I don't want to lose her over something so stupid that can be corrected. I mean I guess sometimes it takes these times to realize what was going on but now that I know, what do I do about it? I am afraid she thinks I can't be fun anymore and is looking for someone who is. How can I show her that I am fun and we were just in a rut? I don't want this to drag out and push her towards someone else. That's why its so hard to just do NC and let it go. If I treated her like crap and was a total jerk to her then it would actually be easier because that would be a real reason to not be with me. Something like this is just so easy that it kills me even more.

star3114 · Sep 25, 2007, 07:52 PM

One thing... people have an idolized view of marriage. Marriage isn't like it is in the movies. People fight and people argue. The key is to do it constructively. I am not sure why her parents don't get along and I want to at this point. But on the outside a marriage can look unhappy when it really isn't.
You guys were kids when you met. A lot has changed in both of your lives since you met I am sure. It is possible that what she thought she wanted, isn't actually what she does. She probably thought at 18 that she wanted a nice stable guy to hang out with. As she got older she felt more intrigued by the party scene. She is young and wants to have fun. She wants to do some living before she settles down. That is her entitlement and is highly recommended.
Honestly, I have thought a lot about your situation because it is very similar to one that my sister went through. My suggestion is to move on. I know it sucks, but here is why. If you sit there pining over her, you are going to drive yourself nuts. If you move on and start scoping the market, then you will be occupying your brain and it will get easier for you to cope with. If she wants to get back together, then you can make the decision at that point. In the near future, I don't see her getting back with you. Although she probably cares deeply about you, it takes more than that to make a relationship work. You are both young, enjoy your youth. You have lots of time to settle down. Right now, concentrate on having fun. You don't have kids, you aren't married. The sky is the limit for accomplishing your dreams. Try something bold... hang gliding?? Whatever works for you. If you don't start coming to grips with the reality, your heart will never heal and she will have long since moved on. If it is meant to be, she will be back... but don't wait by the phone for her... you have a life to live... ya know...

bummedout4 · Sep 25, 2007, 08:12 PM

Originally Posted by star3114

One thing...people have an idolized view of marriage. Marriage isn't like it is in the movies. People fight and people argue. The key is to do it constructively. I am not sure why her parents don't get along and I want to at this point. But on the outside a marriage can look unhappy when it really isn't.
You guys were kids when you met. A lot has changed in both of your lives since you met I am sure. It is possible that what she thought she wanted, isn't actually what she does. She probably thought at 18 that she wanted a nice stable guy to hang out with. As she got older she felt more intrigued by the party scene. She is young and wants to have fun. She wants to do some living before she settles down. That is her entitlement and is highly recommended.
Honestly, I have thought a lot about your situation because it is very similar to one that my sister went through. My suggestion is to move on. I know it sucks, but here is why. If you sit there pining over her, you are going to drive yourself nuts. If you move on and start scoping the market, then you will be occupying your brain and it will get easier for you to cope with. If she wants to get back together, then you can make the decision at that point. In the near future, I don't see her getting back with you. Although she probably cares deeply about you, it takes more than that to make a relationship work. You are both young, enjoy your youth. You have lots of time to settle down. Right now, concentrate on having fun. You don't have kids, you aren't married. The sky is the limit for accomplishing your dreams. Try something bold....hang gliding??? Whatever works for you. If you don't start coming to grips with the reality, your heart will never heal and she will have long since moved on. If it is meant to be, she will be back....but don't wait by the phone for her....you have a life to live...ya know....

Well I do agree with you that we are young but I mean I have looked into my heart and feel that I want to be with her. Her parents by the way do not get along to well, never seen them hug , kiss or be nice to each other in 4 years and she has told me she hasn't seen them be intimate for a long time. So I think this may be a factor with her thought process. Well I think that I am going to just ask her to go to dinner this weekend, have fun and just talk to her about what really is it that she doesn't like in our relationship. I just need to know if she is willing to work on this, if its something that important that can't be fixed and she doesn't want to make an effort then I guess I will have to move on. This being "friends" and talking and being nice to each other is getting harder every day. I just want to know if she still cares enough to try to be with me and make it work or if she doesn't want to. It is harder every day knowing that she might be talking to some other guy and wants to hang with him. I need to know on her part if she loves me enough to want to be together and on the same side. I want to talk to her about what was good about the relationship and what wasn't to see if they are issues that cannot be worked on by both of us. I feel she is using this break as an excuse to not have to make a decision now. So I don't know what you all think but I can't take much longer of just hanging around her wondering if she wants me or doesn't want me. I hope things work out now, but if not maybe in the future. If not though, I guess its time to move on.

star3114 · Sep 25, 2007, 08:20 PM

I hope that you get the closure you are looking for. Best wishes!

bummedout4 · Sep 25, 2007, 08:23 PM

Originally Posted by star3114

I hope that you get the closure you are looking for. Best wishes!

Thanks, I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Although I don't think my heart is letting me think about the bad but its just so hard to think that this person I have been with and love so much won't want to try to be with me and make things work. I first have to get her to go out with me this weekend. Ill update as things happen.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2007, 08:25 PM

Originally Posted by bummedout4

Well i do agree with you that we are young but i mean i have looked into my heart and feel that i want to be with her. Her parents by the way do not get along to well, never seen them hug , kiss or be nice to each other in 4 years and she has told me she hasn't seen them be intimate for a long time. So i think this may be a factor with her thought process. Well i think that i am gonna just ask her to go to dinner this weekend, have fun and just talk to her about what really is it that she doesnt like in our relationship. I just need to know if she is willing to work on this, if its something that important that can't be fixed and she doesn't want to make an effort then i guess i will have to move on. This being "friends" and talking and being nice to each other is getting harder every day. I just want to know if she still cares enough to try to be with me and make it work or if she doesn't want to. It is harder every day knowing that she might be talking to some other guy and wants to hang with him. I need to know on her part if she loves me enough to want to be together and on the same side. I want to talk to her about what was good about the relationship and what wasn't to see if they are issues that cannot be worked on by both of us. I feel she is using this break as an excuse to not have to make a decison now. So i dont know what you all think but i can't take much longer of just hanging around her wondering if she wants me or doesn't want me. I hope things work out now, but if not maybe in the future. If not though, i guess its time to move on.

You just don't get it. Listen to yourself. Ask her out to dinner! Why? Leave her alone. This is what she has asked of you. She told you she wants space. Give iy to her. Stop trying to make her feel things she doesn't. She may very well not feel for you what you feel for her and she does not have to, she's not with you any more. Leave the girl alone.

bummedout4 · Sep 25, 2007, 08:27 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You just don't get it. Listen to yourself. Ask her out to dinner! Why? Leave her alone. This is what she has asked of you. She told you she wants space. Give iy to her. Stop trying to make her feel things she doesn't. She may very well not feel for you what you feel for her and she does not have to, she's not with you any more. Leave the girl alone.

I am not trying to make her feel anything. I just need to know the bottom line, because this confusion and unknown state it really messing with my head and heart. I need to know from her that she doesn't see us getting back together or she does. That's all, I need to know for myself so I don't wait around with false hope.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2007, 08:31 PM

Originally Posted by bummedout4

Thanks, I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Although i dont think my heart is letting me think about the bad but its just so hard to think that this person i have been with and love so much won't want to try to be with me and make things work. I first have to get her to go out with me this weekend. Ill update as things happen.

She does not have to try to be with you if she does not ant to be. This is what you're not getting. Look at it this way, instead of you trying to get her to go out with you and taking you back, why don't you try doing what she wants and leave her alone.
I'm telling you, you are going to alienate this girl to the point she is not going to want to hear your name. If you have to try to get her to go out with you, that should be a clue that this is not something she wants to do.
I hate to sound cruel, but you really need to get a grip and a clue.

bummedout4 · Sep 25, 2007, 08:33 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

She does not have to try to be with you if she does not ant to be. This is what you're not getting. Look at it this way, instead of you trying to get her to go out with you and taking you back, why dont you try doing what she wants and leave her alone.
I'm telling you, you are going to alienate this girl to the point she is not going to want to hear your name. If you have to try to get her to go out with you, that should be a clue that this is not something she wants to do.
I hate to sound cruel, but you really need to get a grip and a clue.

I am not going to have to drag her out with me, she mentioned it earlier this week, I am just going to ask. If I leave her alone I resolve nothing and stay around waiting for her next call. That's how I am , I would rather know the bottom line so I can be upset again and then move forward from there. At this moment I am upset and emotional but still have hope, I just need to know if this hope is for nothing.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2007, 08:35 PM

Originally Posted by bummedout4

I am not trying to make her feel anything. I just need to know the bottom line, because this confusion and unknown state it really messing with my head and heart. I need to know from her that she doesnt see us getting back together or she does. Thats all, I need to know for myself so i don't wait around with false hope.

Well maybe if you would just leave her alone so she could figure it out, she would tell you. You need to get a clue. She is going out seeing other guys, what more info do you need.
If she wanted you back, she would be back with you. Move one. Who knows maybe somewhere down the road you two will meet again, but right now you BOTH have a lot of growing up to do.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2007, 08:38 PM

Then you know what ask her out, say and do whatever you want. But then tell yourself that after this you will let it go.

mckenzie134 · Sep 26, 2007, 05:28 AM

Its over srry to say wait it out if she ants you back she will cal

bummedout4 · Sep 26, 2007, 05:39 AM

Originally Posted by mckenzie134

its over srry to say wait it out if she ants you back she will cal

So should I say to her that its better if we don't talk unless she want to talk to me. We pretty much agreed that we will talk and I can call her and she will call me sometimes. Do I tell her that just to call me if she wants me back? I don't know if I can be so cold to her even though I know she is kind of doing it to me. This is really affecting how I sleep, and eat and my overall mood.

Sad Soul · Sep 26, 2007, 06:34 AM

Originally Posted by bummedout4

So should i say to her that its better if we don't talk unless she want to talk to me. We pretty much agreed that we will talk and i can call her and she will call me sometimes. Do i tell her that just to call me if she wants me back? I don;t know if i can be so cold to her even though i know she is kinda doing it to me. This is really affecting how i sleep, and eat and my overall mood.

No!

The key is to tell her whatever you just said you wanted to say when she asks "what the hell is up". Remember?

Don’t tell her anything unless she opens up first. And this is not about being COLD to her. This is about being indifferent with her.

Being cold is being rude. Being indifferent and leaving her alone, yet still responding when she is ready, is not the same thing.

Why would you rush? Look back at what I had wrote to you earlier about letting her ask, and you responding.

You don't want to look desperate and impatient with her... You are being very impatient and you are not giving her time. I feel your pain, but man you have got to stop and think clearly. Right now your emotions are your worst enemy.

You are in fact being selfish and want to rush things to make yourself feel better at the expense of someone who is admitting they are confused and in need of some space.

GOOD LUCK AND PLEASE BE STRONG! PLEASE USE YOUR HEAD! SHE STILL CARES SO DON'T PUSH HER AWAY. DON'T MAKE ANY DECISIONS IN SUDDEN SAD MOMENTS OF "MISSING HER" BECAUSE THESE ARE USUALLY THE WORST DECISIONS ONE WILL MAKE.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 26, 2007, 06:45 AM

Don't call her at all. She knows how you feel already. If her calling bothers you tell her not to call anymore. I'm sure she will respect that.

bummedout4 · Sep 26, 2007, 06:57 AM

Originally Posted by Sad Soul

No!!

The key is to tell her whatever you just said you wanted to say when she asks "what the hell is up". Remember?

Don't tell her anything unless she opens up first. And this is not about being COLD to her. This is about being indifferent with her.

Being cold is being rude. Being indifferent and leaving her alone, yet still responding when she is ready, is not the same thing.

Why would you rush? Look back at what I had wrote to you earlier about letting her ask, and you responding.

You don't want to look desperate and impatient with her... You are being very impatient and you are not giving her time. I feel your pain, but man you have got to stop and think clearly. Right now your emotions are your worst enemy.

You are in fact being selfish and want to rush things to make yourself feel better at the expense of someone who is admitting they are confused and in need of some space.

GOOD LUCK AND PLEASE BE STRONG! PLEASE USE YOUR HEAD! SHE STILL CARES SO DON'T PUSH HER AWAY. DON'T MAKE ANY DECISIONS IN SUDDEN SAD MOMENTS OF "MISSING HER" BECAUSE THESE ARE USUALLY THE WORST DECISIONS ONE WILL MAKE.

Thanks for the words of wisdom, I needed some today. I know I am being impatient but I just want her back. I just keep thinking of her with someone else and the jealousy is really bothering me more than anything. If I knew she wasn't talking to someone else or hanging out with them I would feel a lot better. I know she needs space, and I hope this time away from me makes her realize that I was special and she wants me but I guess that is not my call to make. Im just so afraid that she is just slowly getting over me by just talking to me here and there and focusing on someone else. I guess I should do the same, but I am not ready for that. I find it hard to believe that after 4 yrs she is trying to forget about me and do the same things we use to do with someone else. I hope its just a phase of discovering herself and realizing what's important. I want her to realize that she made a mistake.

ConfusedandLost · Sep 26, 2007, 07:17 AM

Hey there Bummedout... have some patience everything happens to us for a reason. You have to believe in that... do as many have told you here. If she calls let the voicemail pick-up give it some time before you respond. When you do respond just be calm and cool, the key is to not bring up your feelings towards her at all. Your going to have to wait for her to bring them up before you expose yours. Even when that happens I wouldn't go crazy with expressing them. If it was meant to be it will happen, just remember there will possibly be a whole lot of heartache and pain to get there. Are you willing to go through that?

Homegirl 50 · Sep 26, 2007, 07:21 AM

You want her to realize she made a mistake. What if she didn't make a mistake. What if her leaving was the right thing for her to do for herself.You're still under the assumption that she does not know what she's doing. She is not trying to forget you, but get over you, this is what people do when they move on.
I think this young lady has decided that she wants a change in her life that unfortunately does not include you. Now you need to get over her and move on.