[kitkat77774]

Hi everyone,
Well, it's been a few months now since I broke up with my psysco girlfriend. I ended up having to get a restraining order after she destroyed my property. She came to my house and the police ended up taking her away. It was alot of drama. Anyway, she has left me alone now and my question is : Why do I feel so empty? I have never been single for more than 4-5 months in whole adult life. I am now in my 40ties. I know it's time to find me but, I get somewhat nervous. I know if I hook up with someone right now, it won't work. But, the pain is so difficult sometimes, I just want to "fill in that hole".
I want to stay single and focus on me but, it's really uncomfortable. I tried to go out with someone last week and I was so uncomfortable and disconnected. Thank you ahead of time for your advise.

You need to be single. No one can fill up that hole but you. You need to spend time doing things for yourself. Find out what your hobbies are. Learn about your likes and dislikes. When you feel that need to date or hook up do something else for YOURSELF. Pick up a book, call friends, go to a movie, journal, take a class etc.

[valinors_sorrow]

Yes, I exercise. At times I enjoy my own company but, I find myself " running" mostly on the weekends. Part of my sick thinking tells me, " well she wasnt' that bad", yes she was messed up but, I always had someone to do things with and love me.
I know sounds crazy but I want to get better, and to get better, I need to be honest here.
I do have a great counselor who really makes me look at all this. As uncomfortable as it is, I know I know I cannot go find a rebound relationship.
Yes, it would take me out of me, temporarily but, than what. I pick another psyco girlfriend and I have to get a restraining order. The cycle is unhealthy. I want to get better, to where I don't need a relationship at all. Especially right now. But, I feel sad and lost also.

LOL Are you ducking my question about how long have you been seeing your current counselor or didn't you see it?

[sfqt33]

Sorry, didn't see it 2 years now.

[valinors_sorrow]

Sorry, didn't see it 2 years now.

Forgive me here but either fire that counselor or sell me the brooklyn bridge. LOL

Far far too long to be appropriate and almost not credible from my experience and I know a great deal about the topic of counseling.

That you are here posting like you are verifies the ineffectiveness of what the two of you are doing. Had you answered something I could trust more as truthful and told me something that indicated the counselor knew what they were doing, I would have also suggested that posting here might not be the best idea when what you need to do is pick up your phone right now and call your counselor. Watering down an effective counselor's work is a real risk you take doing something like posting here.

Get to work on an actual solution and quit fooling around is what I see needed here. No more "yeah buts".

As a sidebar to everyone reading this post: Please, please DO NOT waste your hard earned money or precious time with a counselor who is ineffective like this. They ought to be shot as far as I am concerned. :eek:

[sfqt33]

Wow, I thought this was a place to get support. I just began working with my counsloer on relationship stuff. I sent most of the time working on my recovery from alcoholism. This stuff just recently came up. I trust my therapist and we have a great relationship. You are very quick to judge without knowing me.

[Wildcat21]

Actually - I think Val is right.

[BIM]

Wow, I thought this was a place to get support. I just began working with my counsloer on relationship stuff. I sent most of the time working on my recovery from alcoholism. This stuff just recently came up. I trust my therapist and we have a great relationship. You are very quick to judge without knowing me.

First off, Val nor anyone, knew from your previous posts that you were going to a counsellor for alcoholism. I thought,from your previous posts, that you have been going to this person for relationship problems. Val is not one to tell you to quit someone for no reason at all. Her input is very good and should be taken as such.

[valinors_sorrow]

Wow, I thought this was a place to get support. I just began working with my counsloer on relationship stuff. I spent most of the time working on my recovery from alcoholism. This stuff just recently came up. I trust my therapist and we have a great relationship. You are very quick to judge without knowing me.

I can really appreciate your recovery from alcoholism-- firsthand even. I can see how you might think your codependency is recent but any counselor worth their salt would not. Do you forget that I have read through a number of threads containing quite a few posts of yours?

If you don't like what I suggest, please don't take the suggestion. If you are happy with your counselor, then stay. I would clarify that this place is where people look for answers, solutions, ideas that work. Support is a part of it but when its over emphasized or only that, it tends to turn into long threads that go nowhere. You only need to look at the threads by Blueiman to see where that ends too.

To think a solution can be reached without some judgement involved is totally unrealistic. I have no reason to hurt you, and resisting truth is often painful. I know from having done it myself many many times. I have learned to appreciate those who tell it to me even as it hurts in a kind of "shoot the message but not the messenger" kind of way. I can't exactly disown what I know about poor counseling. I made efforts you may not realise trying to put it in a way that was palatable for you too because I thought AND STILL DO think you were/are worth it! Please notice that I made more of a harsh judgement on a counselor I have never met than you. I do so on the basis of having met and known enough counselors -- good and bad -- to make the sort of distinctions as I have here.

If you don't want to trust that or me, I understand... I really do. No hard feelings about it. But it does work that you cannot ask for help, and then not trust the help, and still expect to end up helped... and that dilemma has plagued you for some time. In recovery terms, its Step One.

[Skell]

You sound like you want people to tell you what you want to hear. Not the truth.
I think your consellor does that and that is why you think he / she is so good.

And when someone here offers advice (that you asked for mind you) that youn don't want to hear you get a little defensive.

Could this be true?
Just a question you can answer in you own head. You don't have to post a response...

My opinion, and that's all it is, is that you need a new consellor to solve some of these problems. After 2 years you should be making progress one would think. And some of the thoughts I see you share in your posts don't indicate progress.

You sound like you are looking for excuses go back to something that didn't work or find something new that Won't work to fill a hole in your life.

IMO a good consellor would have completely dealt with that issue by now one would have thought.

[talaniman]

If you have been in counseling for 2 years then you have some understanding of how you work, or should. If your in a 12 step program I know for a fact they tell you to stay out of any new relationships because you need to focus on your recovery. They also will tell you two sick people never can make it together and that, you had better believe. So either your counselor, ain't worth the money or you're not living up to the things you should be doing to be healthy. Since you have no sponsor, I can only guess that your not doing the things that you shouldbe doing, that I'm sure, have been laid out to you. That's why you have a hole in your soul and are so confused about yourself. Leave the excuses to those that don't know any better, and do as your told to heal and move on.

[velvetjones]

Hang out and yuk it up with your friends! I'm surprised nobody has said anything about that. How about the rest of your family?

[Sentra]

Surround yourself with family, good friends, take up a new hobby, visit a place where no one knows you and make new friends there,. see where I am going with this, as well as velvetjones?

Having a relationship to 'fill a gap' isn't healthy; just because you aren't with someone, doesn't make you a horrible person. Find something new to keep you occupied! :)

[sfqt33]

Hi everyone,
I'm back to say hello to you all. Surprising or not I still find myself struggling with getting over my ex after two years ago. I've been busy with my life, trying to date, but I still seem to still have an intense connection with my ex. We have been e-mailing each other practically every other day. Checking in with each other. She's in another relationship and has been for a year now. She claims to be "happy" but, I wonder why she is still keeping in contact with me. She tells me about what her and her partner are doing and I try not to react. But honestly, I still hurt. I went by her job last week to say hi. She was super excited to see me and our visit went well. She looked so good to me. I just wanted to jump out of my car and shake her into telling me she still cares about me, but... it NEVER comes out of her mouth. It's so frustrating because I know she still loves me but, will never tell me. I asked her once, " Do you miss me at all, ever". She said " I miss alot of things".
It's not like I'm waiting around for her, but it is difficult to connect with someone else when I'm feeling this strong connection with her. I know, I know... stop contacting her. It's really hard and I appreciate your advise.

[LBP]

Sure sounds like you're waiting around for a girl who has been in a relationship for over a year and a half... I hate to break it to you but if this is a test of will power between the two of you, you'll lose... And if isn't, then you're a back up plan and do you really want to be that?

Like you said, take a hike all ready! However, if you want and need to vent, feel free!

[sfqt33]

So, basically what your saying is she's probably keeping me on the back burner? Why does she seem so interested in my life?

[Skell]

She is keeping in contact with you because your letting her!

She knows you still have feelings for her and she likes it. She likes to knows she has power over you and controls you. Because she does!

C'mon man... you honestly think she still loves you/

What makes you think that?

She is with someone else and has been for a long time. She doesn't love you, she loves that she controls you! And the worst part is that your blind to it all!

Please let her go. Move on. Stop contacting her and let her have her new man and new life.

And get a life of your own without her in it.

Please for your own sake cut contact and move on. This isn't healthy what your doing! Your just tormenting yourself!

[Skell]

So, basically what your saying is she's probably keeping me on the back burner? Why does she seem so interested in my life?

Yes she is keeping you on the back burner in my opinion. She has you right where she wants you. Under her command and control.

She knows if something goes awry with the new guy then she will have good old you there to fall back on and make her feel great about herself again!!

Are you happy to be that guy? I hope not!!

[Skell]

Do you realise how desperate and needy you sound here.

You are trapped in massive denial.

You knows she loves you and cares for you but it never comes out of her mouth?? What are you on about?? Really it is painfully obvious... She doesn't love you anymore. She loves controlling you!

[Skell]

Is this the same needy, possessive and psycho ex you talk about in your previous posts?

Im confused.

Please read his previous threads everyone and decipher for me!!

[sfqt33]

No this was the one before her. Ok, I get it.. I'm acting like a fool Your right she has the control and I need to take it back. SO, what if she e-mails me, call me? What then? Ignore her?