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jmjoseph · Sep 2, 2009, 05:26 PM

I'm glad things are looking up for you Jennie. I'm not sure what neutral means when it comes to the police. Who told you that? Assault is assault, he needs to be charged, and the arrest on record so when it comes time to go to court the judge can see that. I'm sorry about the wedding "stuff", but maybe you didn't even want the pictures being a reminder of him.

I can't believe I wasted my time defending him.

Good luck on the future.

asking · Sep 2, 2009, 05:45 PM

Jennie, about your daughter, let me expand a little.

My kids' father was abusive and I found that the most important single thing I could do after our divorce was to acknowledge when my kids had be treated unfairly or harshly, whether by him or by someone else. They needed to know that cruelty was not normal, not okay, and that feeling hurt by cruel behavior is normal and okay--that they weren't "oversensitive" etc. I couldn't always do anything about the things that happened to them, but I could be there to listen and acknowledge it. That's the single most important thing I learned from Lundy Bancroft's book.

jenniepepsi · Sep 2, 2009, 06:24 PM

Thanks everyone. And no one needs to feel bad. I have spent 3 years defending him against family and friends. (of course I've also done my share of 'witching' too. But still)

A good example is when I was babysitting for a neighbor (not the abusive mean one a different one) she came home and we hung out a bit. Not even 30 minutes after she was due home, issac was at the door asking when I was coming home. I said 'in a little while we are just talking' (keep in mind, ayla was already in bed, so its not like he was 'stuck' doing anything in my absence... not to mention he left ayla there alone. Yes, it was just 20ft away. But it still bugged me)

So 10 minutes go by again and he is at the door again and says 'you need to come home now'

So I start getting up and getting ready and my friend goes 'excuse me!! Don't you talk to her that way!! ' and I looked at her like SHE was crazy lol. It didn't bother me. I think because of how abusive my daughters biological father was (he was REALLY bad, like, text book physical sexual emotional social abuse) I just didn't think of issac as abusive. You know? It just didn't seem 'that bad'

I'm also always telling my mom 'oh, you know how he is, its not his fault he doenst understand'

I agree I am definitely NOT going over there without either a police escort, or my uncle (the expolice, now working as a guard at the jail. Hehe, he intimidates issac. He is one of those big police officers. Bald head, goatee beard, a little hefty but A lot of muscle, and 6'7" hehe)

Hey asking, can I ask you something? (sorry for the pun lol)
What do I tell ayla cause she keeps asking 'why can't we still live with daddy, he loves me'
:( :( unfortunately, its looking like I will be completely cutting him from our lives... if it weren't for his violence, and just flat out immature violent behavior lately, not just hitting me, I would have been open to letting them still be together. You know? But the answer is NO now. And as horrible as it sounds, I am GLAD I am able to do that. I am GLAD he never adopted her as we were planning. As hard as it will be for my babygirl, I think I'm just going to tell him to 'you know what -- OFF'

N0help4u · Sep 2, 2009, 06:33 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

my uncle (the expolice, now working as a guard at the jail. hehe, he intimidates issac. he is one of those big police officers. bald head, goatee beard, a little hefty but ALOT of muscle, and 6'7" hehe)

Always good to have an uncle that fits THAT description!

Alty · Sep 2, 2009, 06:40 PM

yes alty I filed a report. Not much can really be done at this point, as from what I understand, domestic voilence in this area is VERY VERY common and the police have to be nuetral in these affairs. But the report is made.

That's not true at all. Who did you talk to Jennie?

Your husband should be charged with assault and jailed. It doesn't matter if domestic violence is common or not.

That would be like saying "murder is very common in this area so the police don't arrest murderers".

You have rights, and one of them is to charge your husband.

Take a look at this website, there is some valuable information there.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIM INFORMATION CENTER

I would really love a word or two with the police officer that told you there was nothing they could do. Utter bull!

asking · Sep 2, 2009, 06:51 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

so 10 minutes go by again and he is at the door again and says 'you need to come home now'

So I start getting up and getting ready and my friend goes 'excuse me!! Don't you talk to her that way!! ' and I looked at her like SHE was crazy lol.

That's funny. It's a real eye opener when someone stands up for you in a situation like that.

Why SHOULD you have an arbitrary curfew when you are just talking to a friend and, as you say, 20 feet away?

hey asking, can I ask you something? (sorry for the pun lol)
What do I tell ayla cause she keeps asking 'why can't we still live with daddy, he loves me'
:( :( unfortunately, its looking like I will be completely cutting him from our lives... if it weren't for his violence, and just flat out immature violent behavior lately, not just hitting me, I would have been open to letting them still be together. You know? But the answer is NO now. And as horrible as it sounds, I am GLAD I am able to do that. I am GLAD he never adopted her as we were planning. As hard as it will be for my babygirl, I think I'm just going to tell him to 'you know what -- OFF'

The pun is fine. :)

About Ayla, that's a tough one. I had to go through that with my two kids. Of course, my abusive ex was their father and he's always had part time custody. I would advise first of all ruthless honesty now and in the future. If you never lie to her, she will always trust you and know she can count on you. Second, be clear that keeping her safe and loved is your absolute first priority.

I would say something like, "yes he does love you, but we can't live with him anymore because he and I are having a hard time being friends anymore." Tell her how sorry you are that this is so hard on her, that it's not her fault, but you tried and you just can't get along with him.

The important thing here is to make sure she knows that you are on her side first and foremost. Try not to dump on him in her presence, although when she is older I think it's fine to explain more if she wants to know. For now, you need to protect your relationship with her, so he can't somehow drive any sort of wedge between you. Be absolutely loyal to her no matter what.

If she wants to know why you can't live together tell her the truth as much as possible without too much detail. Like you could say, "he's been angry and upset, and I want for both of us to have some quiet time for now." If she asks if you will ever get back together I would say "probably not." Other people may disagree with this. But I really believe in honesty. It will hurt her and she may grieve for a while. But I think that's better than leaving her wondering for a long time, trying to manipulate you into getting back together with him. This part is painful, but just understand her point of view and don't be grumpy with her when she suggests it.

I once read that we should give children red lights and green lights and avoid yellow lights. Don't leave things unclear. Either say yes we will do this or no, we won't. Yes, you can have a cookie, or no you can't (and stick to that). It means making a lot of quick decisions and sticking to them. And it means not saying "maybe" unless you absolutely have to.

Hoping this is helpful.

jenniepepsi · Sep 2, 2009, 06:52 PM

OK ill call again and talk to someone else. It was a dispatcher. I'm not sure if they really are police officers or not.

Alty · Sep 2, 2009, 06:58 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

ok ill call again and talk to someone else. it was a dispatcher. im not sure if they really are police officers or not.

Did you get the name of the dispatcher because I would love a word or two with that person.

What exactly did you say when you called? Also, I though you filed a report. You have to go to the police station to do that and a police man/woman takes your statement, not a dispatcher. There is no way that they would tell you that they can't do anything. What Isaac did is against the law and chargeable by law.

It may be too late to charge him now, it's been a few days since the incident.

Did you at least take pictures of your face, where he hit you? The bruises can be used as evidence against him but you really need to charge him with domestic assault.

jenniepepsi · Sep 2, 2009, 06:59 PM

I also agree that honesty is the best. I just didn't want to just come out and say 'because he doesn't want us anymore'
Which is sort of true, because he is talking about moving to his moms house in las vegas, which means, he doesn't want to see her anymore. But I don't want to tell her that :( I don't know what that would do to her.

I have been as honest as I can, saying that mommy and daddy just can't get along. But she is so damn smart (beams with sad pride) she says 'well its OK if daddy doesn't like you but he loves me still'
I just don't know how to answer that...

I am also considering having her see a child psychologist (the one that doesn't give meds, the one that talks with you) to get her to open up. I KNOW she is angry, frustrated, upset, sad, but she just won't talk to me about it. I try so hard not to push the issue, but its hard not knowing what is going through my baby's mind. I try to let her know that its OK to be angry but she just shrugs it off. And I know from many years of bottling emotions up, that's NOT good for you.

Do you think a psychologist is a good idea? She can even see mine, as she is licensed in children too. That way the doctor can have a clear painted picture of the both of us you know?

Sorry, I'm just rambling lol

jenniepepsi · Sep 2, 2009, 07:03 PM

It didn't leave a mark. It was on my jaw, and I don't bruise easily :( its just painful as heck to chew at the moment lol.

I'm all confused by all of this. Maybe I need to talk to some higher ups at the sherrifs office. Cause a friend of mine went through a divorce because he was beating on her, and I was right there with her when the police officers told her that all she can do is file a restraining order and move away from him. They didn't arrest him, question him or anything. In fact they kind of seemed lik they didn't believe her in the first place.

I filed the report. And they said they are going to start the investigation tomorrow. I told them that the apartment manager took pictures and saw the damage herself, and one of the ladies in the apartment office accually saw him herself when he was 'throwing a fit' cause he came to the office to tell them that I left and he was acting like a jerk and cussing and screaming.

Ill be back in a bit, going to go give ayla a bath, snack and bed. *hugs* thank you everyone again. Its nice to have someone to sit and talk to about all this.

Hmmm... someone remind me to change my signature when I get back OK?

Alty · Sep 2, 2009, 07:13 PM

its just painful as heck to chew at the moment lol.

Did you go to the doctors office? If it hurts to chew then damage was done. Also, going to the doctors office will document that you were injured when he hit you. This is important to establish abuse.

I filed the report. And they said they are going to start the investigation tomorrow.

I'm surprised they didn't arrest him when they came to the house.

Did you read the link I posted? There's a lot of helpful info there. Maybe you should print some of it out to remind the police in your neighborhood what exactly they're paid to do.

asking · Sep 2, 2009, 07:21 PM

It sounds like he's already succeeded in making her feel like she's in competition with you--'well its OK if daddy doesn't like you but he loves me still' This is too bad. But you are right not to react to it.

I don't think you can really say what's in his mind. I would definitely not say that he doesn't want to see Ayla anymore. I would just say that he's moving to be closer to his mother right now because he feels like he needs to be near her. Ayla should be able to understand that. If she asks why, it's okay to say you don't know. You don't have to have an answer to everything. The important thing is to acknowledge her sadness. Let her express it.

asking · Sep 2, 2009, 07:28 PM

Altenweg is right about documenting the physical abuse. I was "slapped" hard enough so that I could not chew for a week and another time, he cracked my arm bone--not a real break, but it hurt for a year and we both heard it crack. He even admitted he broke my arm, which was a big admission for him. (Now he says it was self defense, which is a complete joke.) There wasn't much to see in either case and I never went to the doctor. You have no idea how much I have regretted not establishing a paper trail.

I wish I had gone straight to a doctor both times. But I was so humiliated and just wanted to hole up and lick my wounds, not go out and explain to strangers why my popular university professor husband was knocking me about. People always used to ask, "What did you do to make him so angry?" It's better now.

So, yes, paper trial...

Alty · Sep 2, 2009, 07:56 PM

Jennie, it's best to get a victims advocate.

You're in Phoenix, right?

To have an advocate assist you, call 602-261-8192.

jenniepepsi · Sep 2, 2009, 08:23 PM

Thanks for that number alty. Ill try to call them now and if they aren't there ill call them in the morning.

They didn't arrest him. They made him leave though. They told him 'either you go to a family or friends house, or we take you to jail over night'
They do that to 'let him calm down'
Aparently, because I yelled at him, to the cops, it was a case of domestic disturbance rather than abuse.
But I AM going to fight it. I'm going to go to urgent care tomorrow and show them my jaw so they can have documents about it. And my sister says that the order of protection will help in court too, because they only aproove orders of protection if there is a reason to fear for your safety. Otherwise you can file a no contact order, but there is no doubt I won't get it.
From what my sister explained to me (she went through the order of protecting thing with her mother several times, due to drugs and abuse) is that, restraining orders are for people NOT related to you, protection orders are for related people. Since he is my husband and not my boyfriend, it would be an order of protection. At least that's how she explained it to me.

I'm going to go post over on the legal board and see if our buddy excon or anyone over there has any idea what the policemen are doing.

Alty · Sep 2, 2009, 08:38 PM

because I yelled at him, to the cops, it was a case of domestic disturbance rather than abuse.

No, not true. He hit you, that's assault.

The law is that he goes to jail for assault, he doesn't get to leave and cool off.

Something isn't right here Jennie. Did you not tell them he hit you?

Alty · Sep 2, 2009, 11:10 PM

Anyone with advice for Jennie.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family...ce-393002.html

unaffected · Sep 3, 2009, 11:35 AM

I'm only on page 7 of this thread, but I thought I saw somewhere that you mentioned World of Warcraft. Do you and your husband play that game?

If so, it does cost $14.99/month for a subscription. Might help you to have some extra cash by canceling your account and re-upping it when your monetary situation is better.

If you do not play, please disregard this post :)

Alty · Sep 3, 2009, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by unaffected

I'm only on page 7 of this thread, but I thought I saw somewhere that you mentioned World of Warcraft. Do you and your husband play that game?

If so, it does cost $14.99/month for a subscription. Might help you to have some extra cash by canceling your account and re-upping it when your monetary situation is better.

If you do not play, please disregard this post :)

This is why it's important to read all the posts in a thread like this.

Jennie has opted for divorce.

unaffected · Sep 3, 2009, 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

This is why it's important to read all the posts in a thread like this.

Jennie has opted for divorce.

Divorce or not, she may still be having financial issues, due to not being able to work or having emotional instability when working.

It was just a suggestion on how to save some money, if applicable.