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kctiger · Mar 10, 2009, 08:06 AM

Look, I understand your "take on the world" attitude. Been there, done that. I cannot speak for everyone on here, but my advice STRICTLY comes from experience. I DO NOT give advice on things that I don't think I would be of any help on. That being said, good luck! I am pretty sure everyone on here just wishes for you to be happy.

talaniman · Mar 10, 2009, 08:22 AM

Since you got back on the ride, enjoy it. This is a long distance thing isn't it?

(to lazy to go back thru 120 posts)

Romefalls19 · Mar 10, 2009, 08:23 AM

Kc had to spread it, but you are right. You can't sweep problems under a rug when you get back together, the relationship is doomed. Not to mention, not many people I have seen end up staying together after reconciling.

A4Effort · Mar 10, 2009, 08:39 AM

Talaniman: It's a semi long distance. We go to the same school but over the summer she lives back home which is roughly 3-4 hours away.

KC I understand what you are saying and I thank you for your input.

Rome: I know people who broke up in college, got back together, and ended up being marrying each other and are still together today, happy. You cannot generalize too much just because everyone is different. But in general you are right.

Besides working on our wrongs I do not know how to go about this right now but I am sure I will somehow figure it out.

This will work as long as much stupid a** doesn't push her away.

Romefalls19 · Mar 10, 2009, 08:45 AM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

Talaniman: Its a semi long distance. We go to the same school but over the summer she lives back home which is roughly 3-4 hours away.

KC I understand what you are saying and I thank you for your input.

<b>Rome: I know people who broke up in college, got back together, and ended up being marrying each other and are still together today, happy. You cannot generalize too much just because everyone is different. But in general you are right.</b>

Besides working on our wrongs I do not know how to go about this right now but I am sure I will somehow figure it out.

This will work as long as much stupid a** doesn't push her away.

Which is exactly why I said "I do not know many couples" which just states my outlook on the situation based on personal experience which is not a generalization.

But good luck in your attempts

talaniman · Mar 10, 2009, 08:59 AM

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Takes two to work together, so good luck!

dealmein · Mar 10, 2009, 09:22 AM

Yeah good luck with the relationship KC is right your happyness is what matters here. Until now you seem to have agreed with everything advice wise and I think the only reason you're not agreeing now is because you're back with her and everything looks promising now. Judging from the way she treated you we think you can do much better for yourself but in the end it is your decision to make.

Sorry but I think everyone is now a bit reluctant to give you advice on a relationship we just don't believe will work. Again its your decision and we all make our own mistakes in life we just have to experience them for ourselves.

Good luck

artlady · Mar 10, 2009, 11:22 AM

The number one suggestion on making this work would be to have realistic expectations.

Sit down and write what you expect from the relationship and why.Have her do the same and compare notes.Go over it point by point.Where you disagree,find a compromise that both of you can live with.

Be clear on what you consider a *deal breaker*.This way there will be no misunderstanding.

While it is healthy to discuss your wants and needs,you can't allow the *work* of the relationship to overshadow the fact that you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness.

When you place the burden of your happiness on another or the love of another,you are setting yourself up for a fall.

Work on your own personal growth.

We all would like to see a good outcome for you.

talaniman · Mar 10, 2009, 11:52 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

The number one suggestion on making this work would be to have realistic expectations.

Sit down and write what you expect from the relationship and why.Have her do the same and compare notes.Go over it point by point.Where you disagree,find a compromise that both of you can live with.

Be clear on what you consider a *deal breaker*.This way there will be no misunderstanding.

While it is healthy to discuss your wants and needs,you can't allow the *work* of the relationship to overshadow the fact that you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness.

When you place the burden of your happiness on another or the love of another,you are setting yourself up for a fall.

Work on your own personal growth.

We all would like to see a good outcome for you.

Well worth repeating.

A4Effort · Mar 11, 2009, 10:59 AM

I do need to work on my happiness. I thought I would be happy again if we came back together but I am not. I feel like she made the wrong decision to come back. We have been apart for this short break and when I talk to her over the phone she just seems different. I don't know if its me or her but it just doesn't feel right.

I should have taken the time off to become happy as an individual. I can't say anything for sure because I will have to see how it feels when we get back together. I just hope that she is willing to work on things and I also hope that her feelings towards me are true. If not than just like everyone said, this will be a short ride.

A4Effort · Mar 11, 2009, 04:38 PM

Its weird. We are together but I still am feeling the ups and the downs. I wonder why that is.

kctiger · Mar 11, 2009, 04:46 PM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

Its weird. We are together but I still am feeling the ups and the downs. I wonder why that is.

Perhaps it is because you are both carrying the same old baggage that landed you here in the first place. It's like you are in a room with a an elephant, but no one really speaks up, it just stays awkward...

friend4u178 · Mar 11, 2009, 05:00 PM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Perhaps it is because you are both carrying the same old baggage that landed you here in the first place. It like you are in a room with a an elephant, but no one really speaks up, it just stays awkward...

LOL... had to spread the rep KC but the Elephant analogy is priceless :)

A4Effort · Mar 11, 2009, 05:03 PM

Ture. Hahah... I am just waiting now until she comes back from home so that we can talk about the problems we had.

anthony1222 · Mar 11, 2009, 05:52 PM

I feel for you :/ this kind of thing happened to me, it was only a year long but you get the idea. Friendship for us didn't work, it just hurt way too much. She found another guy and I was left high and dry, eventually I found my current girlfriend and I couldn't be happier. Its hard, I know, but contact makes it so much harder to move on. Try to limit your conversations, maybe "best friends" isn't the best idea. Try to do as much NC as you can and focus on other things. For me, once I found the RIGHT girl, who I'm still with, things got much easier. BUT don't wait for that just focus on other things like your friends and other relationships you have with people.

A4Effort · Mar 22, 2009, 06:28 AM

So my partner has this "guy" friend who she is good friends with. She occasionally likes to go out with him and hang out. Now, the guy likes her and has told me this to my face. My partner on the other hand only likes him as a friend. The other night several friends of ours were hanging out and just talking. We were all sitting on the floor in a small circle just chatting. My girlfriend was leaning against him and he started giving her a backrub. My girlfriend didn't do or say anything but just let it happen. This made me very uncomfortable but I decided to remain calm because I did not know at the time if it was appropriate for me to get worked up. Afterwards, when we were heading back home, I decided to bring that situation up. I explained to my girlfriend how I felt uncomfortable and that he was crossing the boundaries. She, on the other hand said it didn't mean anything to her because they were just friends. She apologized and said she would not let that happen again.

Now, she keeps hanging out with him and I do not want to tell her that she be with him because I am not the one to tell someone what to do. I want her to be able to go out with whomever she wants. I used to be able to trust her very much but since we just recently got back together after a break up (See "No Contact" rule is not working) it is not as easy. But, I am more worried about him than her. I feel like since he likes her, he will do anything to be with her. If I see something like this happen again, I will approach him and let him know that he is crossing the boundries

Am I right to act this way or am I being totally unreasonable?

tickle · Mar 22, 2009, 06:48 AM

She has to be the one to explain to this other person that she finds his attention inappropriate. That is to say, if she is just not playing games with you, and truly loves you, she should.

If you say anything to this other person, there will be trouble between you and she and possibly a fight or some kind of altercation will ensue between he and you.

You are going to have to trust her on this. Mention to her that you want her to tell him to stop.

Tick

Rich11111 · Mar 22, 2009, 06:59 AM

If this Person has openly admitted that he has feelings for her beyond friendship then she shouldn't see him as often and shouldn't allow him to do anything that has a different meaning to her than it does to him. i.e.. The back rub or if he ever gives her gifts etc.

tickle · Mar 22, 2009, 08:03 AM

Having two men paying you attention is a definite ego trip for a woman and she probably enjoys the exposure. However, it will cause trouble if she is in a supposedly committed relstionaship to one of them.

However, OP has not stated how long the relationship has been continuing. This does make a difference.

Probably she is not as committed as OP thinks.

Tick

A4Effort · Mar 22, 2009, 09:44 AM

Just with everything that's been going on I just lost all sense of care. First thing she texts me is "I love you" after a night of fighting. Wow... that solves everything. I decided today that I would just let it all out and treat her without respect. She said she went to eat some lunch this morning with some friends. I asked her if her second boyfriend was there to give her a back rub. Then I told her that I want to talk this out and figure out if we are either going to resolve this and stay together or if I am going to leave her. I don't know how but she manages to piss me off so much.

Everything that happened today between us was handled wrong, mostly by me. But, I am so sick of arguing. I can be on top of the world when everything is going well but when we argue I just don't care about being with her. We've been back together for a week now and we already fought 2-3 times and it basically became a blaming game.

I hate this so much because my parents divorced because of fighting back and forth. I swore to myself that I would never end up like them and I feel like I am doing exactly the same thing they were doing.