[bummedout4]

Should I just bring it up and ask her straight up what she is really thinking and what she really wants from me? I would rather know now then to be kept in the dark and told something else. I know she is not a mean spirited person and has never really been mean to me. Do you think she would tell me truth anyway? She keeps saying that she is afraid of making a wrong decision and doesn't really know right now what she wants. So I don't know if it would do any good anyway. Well I am just thinking outloud open to any opinions.

[farfrmnormal]

I would take the strong approach and just tell her that for your own sanity you need to remove yourself from the situation - tell her that you are under more anxiety and stress talking to her, then if you were not. Ask her not to contact you, and let her know that you will contact her when you feel ready. Reverse the situation and see how she reacts.

[bummedout4]

The problem with that is , I don't know when I would feel ready. Even now only 2 weeks out, I still get the urge to call her and sometime I get weak and text her or something. I think removing myself will make me feel even worse. I mean right now I can keep it together because I am able to talk to her and I don't feel like its totally over. Honestly just talking to her for just a little bit makes me feel a lot better and makes me feel that I am still apart of her life. I wish it was easy and I could just say OK call me in 2 months and then see what happens, but I don't know if I can do that. My life is OK but she makes it so much better and I just want her to see that. I know I keep saying the same thing over and over but I can't change how I feel. I keep thinking if I remove myself and she just talks to some other guy or whatever, then with me out of the picture she will forget about me more quick and really get use to not talking to me. I am just afraid of losing her altoghether. She's a big part of my life and I can't come to terms with it. Everyday is a struggle but at least when I know I can talk to her , it keeps me sane. Just thinking of her with some else makes me sick and I keep feeling that if I don't do something to really show her how I feel, because she may have doubted my true feelings, then she will go with someone else who probably just acting nice just to get with her.

[farfrmnormal]

You may need to seek professional help - simply to teach you some coping mechanisms - during the first week of my breakup my therapist taught me breathing techniques and things to keep me busy. I took up kick boxing - very exhilarating - helps me vent and is a great workout.

[bummedout4]

Well I may need professional help down the road who knows, I am just saying right now I am not willing to just give up completely. I am not going to do anything crazy and I am not a crazy person, I just have this hope in me that won't die. Until I know that all hope is lost and she is saying get out of my life, I won't think its totally over. That's just how I am thinking now, whether it is healthy or not.

[farfrmnormal]

I never said you were a crazy person - I am not a crazy person either, but I sought help to become a better person. My reason for seeking help was to better myself, just in the process I was taught coping techniques as well. Eventually you will know what to do.

[talaniman]

that's just how I am thinking now, whether it is healthy or not.

It is not healthy and no way does the evidence support your stubbornness. It is fear that is ruling your actions, fear of rejection and fear of losing her. That fear has taken your objectivity and you are making decisions based on that fear. That and her feeding you false hope has you stuck, my friend and unless you heal to see beyond the fear and emotion, you invite misery and pain, and you still will not be together. Give yourself a chance to heal, and then see the situation with clarity, as opposed to confusion.

[bummedout4]

Well I don't want to cope, I want to make the best of this situation, become a better person and show her that I am who she wants, the person she fell in love with only better. I am confident I can do this, it may take time but I am not going to give up so easily. I know I sound like a obsessed psycho, which I am not, but you know sometimes people do crazy things for love and I think that if she does care about me deep inside she will appreciate my effort to become a better person and eventually a better partner. I know it may not change tomorrow but I am willing to try for her, that's how strongly I feel about her. Once I know I really tried and it doesn't work for whatever reason then I will be devastated but begin to cope then, I am not ready to just let it go. Don't worry I am not going to do anything crazy and brash, just give her space but maybe see what happens when we see each other or hang out. I will take heed to all your advice but sometimes you just got to do what you think is right. Only time will tell. And I have been thinking pretty clearly lately, I mean I have had 2 weeks off to just think about what I want in life and the future. If I didn't think she was the one for me, I would let this go and chalk it up to experience. But this is not your ordinary girl and I really love her. That's the only reason I risk even more pain in the future, I really think she's the one for me. If not, then I guess I will learn the hard way.

[Sad Soul]

Listen, you texting her and calling her will only make it easier for her to let you go. You know why? Because you're around and making her feel as though she's not missing anything with her decision to dump you.

By you “being around” and texting and calling, she can slowly adjust to the breakup until she finds someone else. By you being around, she can also see how things are much better with her breaking up with you.

See this is the problem: you THINK she'll forget if you don't call her and you don't text. That's not true. Please give the girl some more credit! This is only your insecurity talking. Believe me that you are not seeing clearly.

If you do “no contact”, sooner or later, I swear she will contact you. She may contact you in a healthy and pleasant way, BUT she may also contact you in anger and sadness, wondering why the hell you haven't called and why you haven't put an effort into getting her back. EITHER WAY, YOU WIN. You know why? Because in both cases SHE will start the “deep” talk. In both cases it will be her chasing you. In both cases, you will not appear needy, because it's not you asking, but it will be you responding.
And to both scenarios you can have your chance in saying, “well, I haven't called or texted because I love you and I want to respect your decision of us breaking up. And you yourself asked for space, so I've been moving on. It's been hard, but I'm doing what you've asked me to do.”

See? See how you win? See how the NO CONTACT is truly in your favor? Think about it. It won't make you miss anything, and it will give you your chance to confess your love. But please, if the chance comes around, don't make her feel as though she is what fuels your life. People with lives are much more attractive. And also, as I mentioned earlier, don't get frustrated with her when you've read what I wrote, because there is no conspiracy against you. She DOES NOT do what she does consciously, as if she is trying to manipulate or hurt you. So don't get angry with her—aka don't let your mind play tricks on you (going from depression to anger).

[bummedout4]

Listen, you texting her and calling her will only make it easier for her to let you go. You know why? Because you’re around and making her feel as though she’s not missing anything with her decision to dump you.

By you “being around” and texting and calling, she can slowly adjust to the breakup until she finds someone else. By you being around, she can also see how things are much better with her breaking up with you.

See this is the problem: you THINK she’ll forget if you don’t call her and you don’t text. That’s not true. Please give the girl some more credit! This is only your insecurity talking. Believe me that you are not seeing clearly.

If you do “no contact”, sooner or later, I swear she will contact you. She may contact you in a healthy and pleasant way, BUT she may also contact you in anger and sadness, wondering why the hell you haven’t called and why you haven’t put an effort into getting her back. EITHER WAY, YOU WIN. You know why? Because in both cases SHE will start the “deep” talk. In both cases it will be her chasing you. In both cases, you will not appear needy, because it’s not you asking, but it will be you responding.
And to both scenarios you can have your chance in saying, “well, I haven’t called or texted because I love you and I want to respect your decision of us breaking up. And you yourself asked for space, so I’ve been moving on. It’s been hard, but I’m doing what you’ve asked me to do.”

See? See how you win? See how the NO CONTACT is truly in your favor? Think about it. It won’t make you miss anything, and it will give you your chance to confess your love. But please, if the chance comes around, don’t make her feel as though she is what fuels your life. People with lives are much more attractive. And also, as I mentioned earlier, don’t get frustrated with her when you’ve read what I wrote, because there is no conspiracy against you. She DOES NOT do what she does consciously, as if she is trying to manipulate or hurt you. So don’t get angry with her—aka don’t let your mind play tricks on you (going from depression to anger).

Thanks for putting everything in a clear perspective. What you say really makes sense but I keep thinking of her talking to another guy instead of me and going out with him instead of me. That's what makes me want to stay in contact. So as of now she said I can call her whenever and she will call me whenever she has time or whatever. Do I just stop calling her, I have been in the morning before work just to wish her luck on her tests this week. Do I just stop, mention something to her like if you want space then call me when you want to talk? If I just stop right now will that make her push me away more? The last time I called her was this morning and she just called me about 10 min ago. We just talked about her tests, and all the stuff she has to do and study for. I am not going to call her tonight and she probably won't call me since she will be busy. So do I not call her tomorrow morning, what if she's expecting it and then gets upset? Or is that good for me? What do you think?

[Homegirl 50]

She is the one that asked you to give her space. If you don't call her she will be thinking that you are doing what she asked you to do.
Of course she will talk pleasantly with you, she is not your girlfriend anymore, this is what she wanted. Maybe all she wants from you is friendship.
If she finds someone else that is how it goes. It won't be because you didn't call, it will be because to her you are not her boyfriend and she is free to do that.
You need to get some help, what you feel is not healthy and I'm afraid you will start to push your way into her life and that is like stalking. Get a handle on this now before you lose your grip on reality.

[Homegirl 50]

Well then she is confusing me then b/c she wants space but still wants to hear from me and be in touch. I am thinking that if she didn't care about me at all and wanted someone else , she would have asked me to stay out of her life and not to see her or talk to her right? Space is one thing, which i think i have given, i am not bugging her everyday or asking to see her. She is doing what she needs to do and i am not interfering, at least i dont think so and she hasn't said anything. So i should just take things slower? and go at her pace until or when she says something? I just keep feeling the longer i go w/out talking to her, she gets closer to being with someone else and getting use to not having me around or in her life at all. I guess i am still in denial and shock , i dont know when i will be over this. Its like i know what she wants and wanted from me, and i didnt always give it to her, but now more than ever i just want to show her that i am that guy she loved so much and wanted to be with. I still don't think it is too late, but if i do nothing, i think it might be.

She said she wants space, her saying "lets keep in touch" is her way of saying she does not want to part on bad terms. Right away she started going out and doing things. To her you two are done. I think she talks to you because she sees you're not taking this well.
If you were to stop calling her, she would know you're OK and she would not call you except on occasion to say hello.
You need to face the fact that she is gone on with her life and I'm sure she wishes you would go on with yours. I thik the more you call and text her, the more uncomfortable she is going to become with you. You reall need to back off. Get some help in getting over her.

[bummedout4]

She is the one that asked you to give her space. If you don't call her she will be thinking that you are doing what she asked you to do.
Of course she will talk pleasantly with you, she is not your gf anymore, this is what she wanted. Maybe all she wants from you is friendship.
If she finds someone else that is how it goes. It won't be because you didn't call, it will be because to her you are not her bf and she is free to do that.
You need to get some help, what you feel is not healthy and I'm afraid you will start to push your way into her life and that is like stalking. Get a handle on this now before you lose your grip on reality.

Well she did ask me for space, but not NC. What is not healthy about what I am feeeling? I am just feeling that if I want to show this girl that I am right for her, and I know what mistakes I made in the past, then why can't I try? I am not doing anything against her will, she is keeping me in her life, I am not pushing anything. All I want to do is take her out sometime and have fun and try to re-ignite the spark we had. If this doesn't work eventually then yeah I will have to move on. She is confused about us and everything in her life so why not try to show her that she doesn't have to be confused about us and me, that I am the person she did spend 4 years with and fell in love with. I am not showing up at her house unexpectadly or anything like a stalker. If she says hey you know I am going out with someone else, I don't want you then I will have no choice but to move on, but that has not happened and hopefully won't.

[Homegirl 50]

Well she did ask me for space, but not NC. What is not healthy about what i am feeeling? i am just feeling that if i want to show this girl that I am right for her, and i know what mistakes i made in the past, then why can't i try? i am not doing anything against her will, she is keeping me in her life, i am not pushing anything. All i want to do is take her out sometime and have fun and try to re-ignite the spark we had. If this doesn't work eventually then yeah i will have to move on. She is confused about us and everything in her life so why not try to show her that she doesn't have to be confused about us and me, that i am the person she did spend 4 years with and fell in love with. I am not showing up at her house unexpectadly or anything like a stalker. If she says hey you know i am going out with someone else, i dont want you then i will have no choice but to move on, but that has not happened and hopefully won't.

What do you think give me space means? When she says "give me space" and then goes on with her life, what do you think that means? What is unhealthy is you don't seem to want to accept the fact that she has moved on and you think you can make her love you again. If she wanted you again, just as she told you she wanted space, she would tell you she wants you back. She has not done that. I don't think she will, but if she did, you are so obsessed you would probably drive her away again.
Get some help.

[bummedout4]

Thanks, well its only been 2 weeks so I mean I don't expect her to change her mind so fast, she made a decision and wants to stick with it. I have hope for us, I don't really care if you don't. So thanks for the advice I guess.

[Homegirl 50]

thanks, well its only been 2 weeks so i mean i dont expect her to change her mind so fast, she made a decision and wants to stick with it. i have hope for us, i dont really care if you don't. so thanks for the advice i guess.

You're not thankful for the advice because it is not what you want to hear.
It would be nice if things work out, I hope they do. But if you learn anything from this experience I hope it is this; when someone says give them space, do it. Don't give them space on your conditions. Who knows maybe this is a test to see if you are stable and mature enough to give her space to grow, right now you are failing.
Move completely away from her. Use this time to learn things about yourself, what your strengths and weaknesses are.
You may find this to be easier than you thought if you will learn to let go.You may find that you are more in love with the idea of her than you are with her.
Respect her boundaries.

[bummedout4]

I am trying to , just a lot easier said than done. I do appreciate the advice though, without everyone's help I would definitely be in worse shape today.

[Homegirl 50]

Well, I know it must be hard, and if this is helpful to you, I'm glad to be here for you. I really hope everything works out for the best for you.
Sometimes what is best is not what we want, but it's what is best. Sometimes we get what we want but we must learn to be patient and disciplined.

[star3114]

Something that I think Homegirl was trying to get at is that your ex mentioned that she has a lot of things going on in her life. When people make comments like that it means that they want time to think without feeling pressure from anyone. I think Homegirl is concerned that if you keep on the same course, you will not be respecting your ex's wishes and may push her away.
Another note, after thinking about comments you wrote I am guessing that life before the break up was something like this... you are happy being at home watching TV and she prods you to go out. Because you are happy as a clam being at home, you resist and she ends up staying home with you. On the rare occasion that she did go out, a fight ensued because you felt that she ditched you.
Perhaps you need to realize that you are just too different people. She still feels obligated to contact you because you have so much history. If you do get back together, she will always want to spread her wings. She is a very free spirit and this may cause you a great deal of anguish. Perhaps you should look at the differences and the things you fought about. Stop trying to change to match her personality for hopes of holding onto something familiar. Be yourself. Find someone else that is better suited for your personality. Take up a hobby you always wanted to do. Sometimes you need to accept the fact that you can become someone else to get her back. Be happy with who you are. If you find yourself changing to match her requests, a couple years down the road you will be in the same boat because you are not being true to yourself. Good luck.

[bummedout4]

Something that I think Homegirl was trying to get at is that your ex mentioned that she has a lot of things going on in her life. When people make comments like that it means that they want time to think without feeling pressure from anyone. I think Homegirl is concerned that if you keep on the same course, you will not be respecting your ex's wishes and may push her away.
Another note, after thinking about comments you wrote I am guessing that life before the break up was something like this....you are happy being at home watching TV and she prods you to go out. Because you are happy as a clam being at home, you resist and she ends up staying home with you. On the rare occasion that she did go out, a fight ensued because you felt that she ditched you.
Perhaps you need to realize that you are just too different people. She still feels obligated to contact you because you have so much history. If you do get back together, she will always want to spread her wings. She is a very free spirit and this may cause you a great deal of anguish. Perhaps you should look at the differences and the things you fought about. Stop trying to change to match her personality for hopes of holding onto something familiar. Be yourself. Find someone else that is better suited for your personality. Take up a hobby you always wanted to do. Sometimes you need to accept the fact that you can become someone else to get her back. Be happy with who you are. If you find yourself changing to match her requests, a couple years down the road you will be in the same boat because you are not being true to yourself. Good luck.

Thanks star, well a lot of what you said makes sense but you know I never said no if she wanted to go out or whatever. I think part of the problem is just that sometimes I didn't take the initiative to find something to do or plan something out. I guess after time I just got lazy or we got use to it. Most of the time to be honest, we decided to stay home because we were tired or didn't feel like it. So I get what you are saying, but it wasn't such a struggle between us about going out. Just I think she liked to be taken out, me having a plan not just go to dinner than nothing special. I didn't really realize this at the time but looking back, it is probably a factor in her decision but not the only reason. Our personalities match a lot actually other than that, we both liked to stay home most of the time and got along fine. Maybe just the same thing after so long got boring, that's the only thing I am trying to show her, that hey I know you like to be taken out sometimes and I want to do that, if it's that important to you. I am not really trying to change my personality at all, just a behavior I didn't really notice or realize was such a big deal. Well that's my take but who knows, I guess time will tell if she wants me back or give me another shot.