[Eraserhead]

Gah, my ex called me for the first time since the break up.

We haven't contacted each other in any way since the break up (5/3/08). I am the dumpee from a 6 1/2 year relationship.

I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns and waiting for her to call me first, especially since she was the dumper. 3 weeks straight of NC. Perhaps I should have ignored the call, but it was my instinct to pick up when I saw her name on the caller ID... just could'nt help it!

Anyway, we spoke for 1 hour and 15 minutes about stuff ranging from "how things are going" to talking about music, movies, the news, family, random things that have happened since we last spoke. It was a very friendly conversation. She said was geniunely concerned if I was okay (I don't think she's trying to relieve any guilt), and had not called me because she knew it would "set me back" and cause pain. She said she was proud of me for staying strong and not calling/begging her since the breakup. The conversation was only awkward for the first minute, but once we started talking it was totally natural and we were all chummy.

Coincidentally, we both decided to move out after the breakup (we both lived at our parents') I'm moving into my first apartment on 5/31 and she's splitting a place with 2 of her girlfriends. We're even moving out in the same week. I guess I wasn't the only one who wanted a fresh environment.

She also stated over the phone that her decision about breaking up was still final and that the phone call wasn't intended to screw with my head - she said she really just wanted to make sure I was doing okay. Plus, we both also had significant news to share - even if we are exes, we just spent the last 6 1/2 years together.

Most surprising is that I was terrified that speaking to her would send me back to square one of pain and misery, but I'm actually doing fine. We ended the conversation by calling each other "mature" about the whole situation and that "we both deserve a pat on the back." She extended the oh-so-confusing "friendship" proposition, but I said we'll just have to let time take it's course on that. It's sad because we have such chemistry for friendship (we can talk and laugh for hours about pretty much anything), but I still have emotional feelings towards her, which completely destroys the ability to maintain friendship.

She also said we could meet up on Sunday 6/1 to take care of some things (such as planting flowers at my mother's headstone; this was planned right before the breakup), but only if I'm ready. We also discussed her taking a quick tour of my apartment since it's my first one and is therefore a monumental moment in my life, and we both don't want to be total strangers to each other. She said she completely understands if I don't want to see her, and if it will cause me any pain then we should not meet.

Strangely enough, I think I can handle seeing her in person. It could be a great day. Plus, she's leaving on 6/3 (it's about 1 hour away). I think that I've finally grasped the concept that you are powerless in "winning" someone back. Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe she'll end up hating living over there with her 2 friends, maybe she will have the time of her life and fall in love with a new guy within a few months (ack, ack). Whatever it is, I cannot control. What I can control is my own life.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Hey eraser,

That was actually great to read. You seemed to have really come a long way and are doing much better. It seemed like both of you went about it in a really mature way. I even commend your ex on being upfront about what the phone call was for, and that she really didn't want to string you along or play with your mind... If only all exs could be like that. I know if mine was I would be doing a lot better today. I think your relationship is something to walk away from with your head held high. You kept your dignity and probably learned a lot about life and yourself. She'll probably always look back at you with fondness and respect for how you went about it. You have nothing but good things to look forward to.

All the best.

[Eraserhead]

Hey eraser,

that was actually great to read. You seemed to have really come a long way and are doing much better. It seemed like both of you went about it in a really mature way. I even commend your ex on being upfront about what the phone call was for, and that she really didn't want to string you along or play with your mind... If only all exs could be like that. I know if mine was I would be doing a lot better today. I think your relationship is something to walk away from with your head held high. You kept your dignity and probably learned a lot about life and yourself. She'll probably always look back at you with fondness and respect for how you went about it. You have nothing but good things to look forward to.

All the best.

Thanks a lot. Yeah, I've been doing better. It's still a rollercoaster, as it's only been 3 weeks since the break up. There are times when I feel completely fine, then moments later I'll almost be crying to hold her in my arms - but the frequency of this is decreasing.

Despite the great improvement I've made, I won't lie: a very large part of me still hopes that we'll be one of those rare couples that "finds each other again in life," somewhere down the road. We met at such a young age. I'm certain this feeling is natural after such a short time since the break up. But the difference now is that I'm actually starting to envision a future without her, whereas before the mere concept of her not being in my life made me want to crawl in a hole and die.

It's so hard to let go of this relationship due to the combination of the extremely long time we've lasted together and how we have a certain "dynamic" that's tough to put into words. People jokingly referred to us as "Dharma and Greg" because on the outside we seemed totally incompatible but on the inside we were totally into each other. Even on our post-breakup call, my ex said something along the lines of "Even though we're broken up, there's still this weird magnetism between us. We just...click."

I believe you are correct in saying we will both look back on each other with great respect and appreciation. Despite what the future brings, we both shaped each other into who we are today - for the better. Especially when starting from a young age like 17, 6 1/2 years together seems like a lifetime. Thus far in both our lives, no other person has ever been so significant.

[talaniman]

I have to admit, Eraser, I am truly touched by the level of maturity, and civility, you and your ex have shown, I don't see that often.

[bigbird213]

Eraserhead,

I too am impressed with how you managed yourself.

In a way, I'm a bit jealous because I don't know if I would be able to handle myself in the same way. I do know that I can relate to your feelings after a few weeks. It truly is amazing once you start to see the future without them in it - you really start to feel better about yourself and you can feel yourself esteem begin to rise.

Good luck, though it seems you won't need it :)

[bigbird213]

5-6 weeks-ish (?) of NC now. Feeling pretty good still.

Saw an update through a round-about way on my ex's online profile which showed a few pictures she had put up. I think it said there were 21 or so pictures. I didn't look, but I won't lie and say my curiosity wasn't up. I wanted to, but I know better at this point.

Time to get distracted...

[NorthernNiceGuy]

5-6 weeks-ish (?) of NC now. Feeling pretty good still.

Saw an update through a round-about way on my ex's online profile which showed a few pictures she had put up. I think it said there were 21 or so pictures. I didn't look, but I won't lie and say my curiosity wasn't up. I wanted to, but I know better at this point.

Time to get distracted....

Good will power... I had to delete my ex and about 5 of her friends from fb just to keep myself sane.

[jrsg]

I am in a weird position... my ex is in 3 of my 4 high school courses, and I sit next to her in all 3 of them... how to instigate NC when it is virtually impossible> I can't just ignore her, or move seats, or something obvious like that, can I?

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Ah high school, makes break ups pretty hard. Their life and what they are doing is right in front of you on a daily basis. Where you sit in class is up to you, I mean if it makes you feel better to move than do it, who really cares what she thinks. Honestly, even though I think it will be hard, you should stay put. If she talks to you be kind but don't give her any special attention. Act like it doesn't bother you (even though it does). Total NC in this situation is virtually impossible but I think you can do a variation of it. Can't imagine having to go through my break up through high school. I am having a hard enough time with it and she just moved 6 hours away :S .

[jrsg]

Thanks Northern,
And good luck with your NC... stay strong!

At least I have summer break coming in 3 weeks..

[losingit77]

Agh! I don't know what is about today, but I'm feeling kind of down. Broke up a little over 2 months ago and I don't know. All of sudden it hit me again today. It kind of feels like our whole 4 year relationship was a distant memory. Or like it was just a movie or something that was part of someone else's life not mine. I guess I'm just starting to feel detached from the whole thing. Starting to feel like the whole thing and even him just don't exist anymore.

I know I'll be fine and I'll get through this. Just feel a little weird today... like what have I been doing with my life for the past 4 years? God, was that really all a waste? It feels almost like none of it ever happened. Like it was all a dream or something.

Oh, well. I'll live. Probably feel this way because I didn't really keep myself busy today. Need to keep my mind and energy focused on something else. Time to watch a scary movie!

[jrsg]

DISTRACT YOURSELF BUDDY!
I used have these random flashbacks too. I would always get quiet around friends, and just think. But apparently thinking is bad, so distract yourself. :)

Good Luck losingit

[losingit77]

Haha... yeah, I know the 'getting quiet around friends'. That would happen to me every once in a while too like over dinner with friends or family and then suddenly some would just say "snap out of it".. and I'd try distracting myself with something else.

That's just what I'm about to do. Laundry and scary movie coming up.

[bigbird213]

Losingit,

You of all people know that this is going to be a rollercoaster journey. You should expect that your going to have down days and up days, and this was just a down day. Live through it and you'll come out on the other side even stronger. You know you can handle it.

And No, it wasn't all a waste. You learned and are still learning a lot about yourself and how you deal with the obstacles of life. Keep going!

[jrsg]

I'm really glad I found this site...
It shows me I'm not the only one dealing with a break up, or NC. We are all in the same boat here, and support each other. It really is a great system here.

GOOD LUCK MY NC FRIENDS!
I will go distract myself with homework now.

[spartan24018]

Listen to "Married with Children" by Oasis

[bigbird213]

I feel like I need help quick...

I made a mistake - big time. I'm shaking, just went for a walk, I'm so angry upset, everything. I don't know what to do now...

I was on my Facebook account and a picture of her showed up. It looked like a great picture so I clicked on it because I wanted to see it. Well, when it came up, another picture was there of some guy I never knew before. After looking at it again, it was in her house, in her basement.

I don't know what to do. After 4 years 1 month is enough?

My mind is going nuts. My sensible side says this: He might be a friend, nothing says they are together. She's smarter than that. She isn't a slut. Etc etc...

But my mind is also saying they are having sex. They are dating, they are intimate, I'm having all of these disgusting images in my head. She's saying I love to him she's thinking abuot marrying him.

I feel sick. What the !@#$ is wrong with me. I know better. I thought I would be fine, I was feeling so good.

How do I not let this ruin the next week for me. I deleted her Facebook, what do I do?

I'm so sorry...

[jrsg]

Stay calm, and distract yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with you. The emotions you are expiriencing are to be expected, and they are completely normal.

[jrsg]

I don't know much about this, so I can't give specific instructions or tips, but I'm here for you, as is everybody else. I feel for you man...

[bigbird213]

Thanks,

Sorry I sound so emotional. I thought I had everything under control and I'm just upset now. I think I'm more mad at myself, though I think that if they are dating after 1 month I'm a little pissed off...

My mind is analyzing things that have happened since the breakup and I'm forming assumptions and theories which I know are all rookie mistakes.

At least I know enough not to call, make contact or anything else. That would make everything worse. I'm trying not to mention it to anyone either as they might give me details I don't want.

I think it just hurts because she moved on and I still don't feel I'm ready to. (stupid seeing as I don't know anything about him, or their connection)

--EDIT---

Didn't want to delete that for the sake of anyone else who wants to see my pain. Its been a few minutes and I calmed down. I stopped, talking to two people about it, and tried to think rationally about it. It's going to be on my mind for a while I imagine, and that bothers me, but I guess I deserve that. It shouldn't keep me really upset, but now when I think about her those 2 or 3 times a day, I'm going to have something extra to think about. That sucks a bit.

In any case the results of my rational thinking:
-I know nothing about him or her since the breakup.
-It is none of my concern, she has every right to, just as I do (even if it seems really short)
-It is unlike her, or at least how I know her, so I still think its unlikely
-He's definitely not a looker, and I feel I'm a better catch (not to be cocky, but I don't think I lack much of what people would call a good boyfriend)

The last point helps to reinforce the feelings of her loss, my gain sort of thoughts. Oh well, I guess onward with my healing. I leanred that lesson, even though I thought I had it under control as it was. It just hurts to have my mind go nuts like that and start to think about disgusting things. I don't know if anyone else goes through that, but it's that part of self destruction your mind takes.

The hardest part was feeling like she isn't think even a bit about me, when I still think about her everyday for sometime at least.

Pathetic...