[2ndTime]

I don't agree.

Not all cheaters don't know how to love or know what real love is.

I was a cheater. I was not a good girl way back when. Most of the guys I dated didn't mean a thing to me, so it was no problem to cheat on them. I had a lot of issues, past abuse, and I didn't care enough about myself to give anyone a chance to love me.

Don't lump everyone into the same group.

I met a great guy. I met someone that loved me for me, that was willing to sit back and wait for me to figure it all out. We've been together for 19 years now, half our lives. We're married, have two beautiful kids and I haven't, nor will I ever cheat on him.

To say that all cheaters are the same, that's not fair. People change.

Not to say that the OP should forgive and forget, I think he's on the right path, but I just had to point out that we're all people, we all have problems, we all make mistakes, and it's not fair to lump everyone into a group that will never change.

Clunk, off my soap box. ;)

Altenweg, as you have said "I had a lot of issues, past abuse, and I didn't care enough about myself to give anyone a chance to love me," you really didn't give love a chance. So, how would you have known what a real love was? I am not putting you down. It sounds like too many issues that caused pain kept you from receiving love and loving others, while you've just abandoned yourself. Do you think that was love?

[Silver Lining]

Well bjohnrupp,, she didn't cheat you alone,, she cheated many others rite? Then what's the problem? This proves that shez the one whoz wrong, that she didn't deserve u. u know your a great guy, always remember that.
I'v had very bad relationships..
The 1st guy I loved from ma heart used me for sex for 2 years and dumped me
2nd guy tried the same, but since I'd lost faith in love, I didn't give myself to him. I found out he wanted to have 1 night and then dump me.
The 3rd guy was great. He didn't force me to do anything.it took me 1 year to kiss him and then we had sex. Then I heard he was having sexual affair with a couple of other gals he called frens. This time, I dumped this guy but I couldn't get over it because I was the 1 being cheated. He had proposed to marry me before sex.
4th guy actually raped me and then dumped me. I was in tears. I was wondering why I had to face tears while the guys enjoyed my body. I started feeling scared. I hated sex. I cried every night for more than a year. I lost all my frens because I refused to talk to any. I lost faith in myself.
Its after 4 painful failures that I found ma true love. Been together for 5 years, married for 3+, baby on the way.
someone, somewhere is made for you. you just have to find her.
Take it as a lesson. I did. It took me a lot of time but I did take my failure as a lesson.
u'l find someone,, it'l take time, until then, get over your ex, enjoy life.

[bjohnrupp]

Well bjohnrupp,,, she didn cheat u alone,,, she cheated many others rite? then whats the problem? this proves that shez the one whoz wrong, that she didn deserve u. u know ur a great guy,, always remember that.
i'v had very bad relationships..
the 1st guy i loved from ma heart jus used me for sex for 2 years n dumped me
2nd guy tried the same, but since i'd lost faith in love, i didn give myself to him. i found out he wanted to have jus 1 nite n then dump me.
the 3rd guy was great. he didn force me to do anything.it took me 1 year to kiss him n then we had sex. then i heard he was having sexual affair with a couple of other gals he called frens. this time, i dumped this guy but i couldn't get over it because i was the 1 being cheated. he had proposed to marry me b4 sex.
4th guy actually raped me and then dumped me. i was in tears. i was wondering y i had to face tears while the guys enjoyed my body. i started feeling scared. i hated sex. i cried every night for more than a year. i lost all my frens because i refused to talk to any. i lost faith in myself.
its after 4 painful failures that i found ma true love. been together for 5 years, married for 3+, baby on the way.
someone, somewhere is made for you. you just have to find her.
take it as a lesson. i did. it took me a lot of time but i did take my failure as a lesson.
u'l find someone,,, it'l take time, until then, get over ur ex, enjoy life.

Thank you silver lining for your story- I can't believe how some people are and your story shows just how many horrible people there are out there.

[2ndTime]

Silver Lining, you are so brave to have told your story. I am also happy for you that you have found true love and happiness.

[Silver Lining]

Thank you...

[bjohnrupp]

Anybody else out there that can offer some advice on how to put being cheated on behind you?

It seems that I can't just move on and forget about it. How can someone be so cruel when I was so good to her.

[amicon]

I think your ex has serious problems that nobody but her can solve.
If you can tell yourself that and also that you did the best you could you ll be able to see that it wasn't done to you because you are who you are but because she can't help herself
If you can change your attitude from personal hurt -and this might need some serious work-to: whatever she did isn't my problem anymore and Im not going to let her actions affect my future life, you ll feel better.

[artlady]

But why would someone be so cold/heartless to me and cheat with different guys when I did literally EVERYTHING for this girl. Took her on vacatuions, bought her stuff just for the hell of it, never even said 1 word to another girl- not one. I always hear stories like altenweg's about finding a great guy and she'd never cheat on him but I know I'm a great guy and great catch. I'm in very good shape and am always told I'm good looking and still got severely messed with

You met a girl who clearly needed constant male attention to feel good about herself.
That is her issue and it has nothing to do with you.
Women who are promiscuous ,as a rule have self esteem issues and they need a barrage of men to tell them ,they are wanted,adored,etc.

Don't place the blame on yourself.She also may have a drinking problem and that is another reason many girls end up hooking up,they are just too drunk to have normal inhibitions.

You are giving her a lot of power by hanging on to your bitterness.She doesn't deserve it.
Take back your power,take back your life and know that not every nice guy gets dumped on and not every date is going to manifest into something permanent.

You don't need a woman to be fulfilled as a person. Have some fun.
You may be coming off as bitter but you may also be coming off as needy.

No woman wants to clean up the mess that some other girl left. Just have some fun.Find your dating feet and go out but keep is simple!

[bjohnrupp]

You met a girl who clearly needed constant male attention to feel good about herself.
That is her issue and it has nothing to do with you.
Women who are promiscuous ,as a rule have self esteem issues and they need a barrage of men to tell them ,they are wanted,adored,etc.

Don't place the blame on yourself.She also may have a drinking problem and that is another reason many girls end up hooking up,they are just too drunk to have normal inhibitions.

You are giving her a lot of power by hanging on to your bitterness.She doesn't deserve it.
Take back your power,take back your life and know that not every nice guy gets dumped on and not every date is going to manifest into something permanent.

You don't need a woman to be fulfilled as a person. Have some fun.
You may be coming off as bitter but you may also be coming off as needy.

No woman wants to clean up the mess that some other girl left. Just have some fun.Find your dating feet and go out but keep is simple!

Wow artlady- You were exactly right on a lot of things you just said... she did need constant male attention to feel good about herself!! She also does have serios self esteem issues! She told me once "I have serios personal and self esteem issues- I have been put down badly the last 4 years'. You see she was in a bad car accident and was never quite the same physically since.

You're also right when you said she needs a barrage of men to tell her she's adored/wanted. She'd even flirt/talk to guys right in front of me at times and so I could only imagine when I wasn't around! Oh you're right- she had a major drinking problem and would get drunk 5 times a week and to the point where she could barely stand.

I showed her tons of love and showed her 100% loyalty and complimented her all the time (shes very beautiful). I thought that would be enough so that she wouldn't need attention from other guys.

[artlady]

I showed her tons of love and showed her 100% loyalty and complimented her all the time (shes very beautiful). I thought that would be enough so that she wouldn't need attention from other guys.

In a perfect world ,that would have been enough.
BUT...
When people have serious self esteem issues,no amount of positive feedback from others is going to change that.

It has to come from within !

She sounds like a very troubled young lady who could probably benefit from some talk therapy.

She sounds like she is headed down a very dangerous self destructive path. Sad, but at this point you need to concentrate on healing for yourself.

[bjohnrupp]

In a perfect world ,that would have been enough.
BUT...
When people have serious self esteem issues,no amount of positive feedback from others is going to change that.

It has to come from within !

She sounds like a very troubled young lady who could probably benefit from some talk therapy.

She sounds like she is headed down a very dangerous self destructive path. Sad, but at this point you need to concentrate on healing for yourself.

Thanks artlady- you made some really good points and you were right on about her even with limited information.

[bjohnrupp]

UPDATE**I went 6 weeks of no contact and then yesterday my ex fiancé IM'ed me on Yahoo. After 6 or 7 IM's I gave in and repsonded.

I wanted her to feel guilty for dumping me. I told her how hurt I am still after what she did and how I haven't been able to date like normal because of all my anger/bitterness. She said she had no idea that I was still hurt by what she did and kept apologizing and denying she ever cheated.

I told her she's only talking to me to alleviate her gilt and she denied it. So anyway we IM'ed for at least 2 hours and then talked on the phone last night(she called me) for 1/2 hour. She told me she never meant to hurt me and she promised she never cheated.

I told her I can't be friends with her because I still have feelings for her but she said she wants to meet up to catch up on things. I told her I don't know if that would be good because I'd probably want her back and she said "who knows what cold happen"

Now today she said she wanted to talk on Yahoo and she blew me off all day and texted me saying shed go on Yahoo and never did. What should I do now? Start no contact again or try to be friends with her? Oh she did say she's seeing someone but he's not a boyfriend yet.

[paxe]

I think you already know the answer to that question. In the risk of repeating everybody else, go no contact ASAP. No contact isn't just you not contacting her, it is you not letting her contact you. As long as you are in contact with her, you will not heal and you will just suffer.

[bjohnrupp]

I think you already know the answer to that question. In the risk of repeating everybody else, go no contact ASAP. No contact isn't just you not contacting her, it is you not letting her contact you. As long as you are in contact with her, you will not heal and you will just suffer.

So was the whole purpose of her contacting me just to alleviate her guilt? I guess I should have never responded to her IM's but I wanted her to feel guilty for what she did and know what she put me through. Now I feel so used like she just used me to boost her own ego.:confused:

[paxe]

Well here is the result of breaking NC, you're just more hurt. If you want an explanation, she's contacting you so that she knows someone is still thinking about her, and she can keep you as a fallback in case nothing works out.

Since you DO break NC, I suggest blocking all means of communication between you and her, delete and block her from IM, Facebook, msn, phone, etc...

You shouldn't think of making her feel bad, or making her feel anything at all. She has her life, and now you have to take care of yours and build a happy life.

[bjohnrupp]

Well here is the result of breaking NC, you're just more hurt. If you want an explanation, she's contacting you so that she knows someone is still thinking about her, and she can keep you as a fallback in case nothing works out.

Since you DO break NC, I suggest blocking all means of communication between you and her, delete and block her from IM, facebook, msn, phone, ect...

You shouldn't think of making her feel bad, or making her feel anything at all. She has her life, and now you have to take care of yours and build a happy life.

Tea you're right- I had a moment of weakness and now I regret it. She was trying to say the right things to get me to respond. That's why she was like you must really hate me. Stupid me bought right into it. At least some of the anger/bitterness is gone from me.


She is so messed up because she was saying how she's really sorry and she wants to ahng out/catch up and then she was being sweet on the phone last night and she actually got me happy thinking maybe I could be friends with her and then today totally blows me off. Its like she got what she needed from me and goodbye.

[paxe]

Yes, welcome to break up 101. It happens over and over again so you're not the only one feeling like a fool. Good thing you can move on and heal yourself.

Don't ever break NC from now on and it's time to take care of your own.

[vanheart]

NC man. All the way. Forever.

Don't give her anymore satisfaction. It will only make you feel like crap and put you back to square one. You gotten that proof already.

Remember, she dumped you. If she feels guilty, let her deal with it.

My ex did the same thing. But luckily stopped after a while, when she figured out that I would never speak or respond to her again. But only out of guilt.

If it was about love, then we wouldn't have exes, would we? Hehehe.

She is no longer your concern.

Time to work on yourself, get yourself back & do all the positive things you can to get there.

You can do it. Good luck.

[bjohnrupp]

NC man. All the way. Forever.

Dont give her anymore satisfaction. It will only make you feel like crap and put you back to square one. You gotten that proof already.

Remember, she dumped you. If she feels guilty, let her deal with it.

My ex did the same thing. But luckily stopped after a while, when she figured out that I would never speak or respond to her again. But only out of guilt.

If it was about love, then we wouldnt have exes, would we? Hehehe.

She is no longer your concern.

Time to work on yourself, get yourself back & do all the positive things you can to get there.

You can do it. Good luck.

Hey vanheart- thanks man... I was following your thread for a while a month or two back so I know about your situation. I was doing so good man- 6 weeks of no contact and she reeled me in with her guilt IM's and I took the bait like an idiot. She even called last night and was all sweet and stuff saying how she's going to come see me and then today she disappears in thin air and totally blows me off. Why would she be so sweet 1 day and then the next evil and play with my heart like this?:confused::(

[vanheart]

Who knows why? People can be cruel.
My guess is guilt.

That's why NC is so crucial. Not to succumb to the BS & drama anymore.

We all want answers, for our ex to know the damage, etc.. But, the more you hear from her, or be in contact, the more pain it will bring. Because at this point you have different motives & expectations than she does.

But at the end of the day, she doesn't want you anymore. So disappear. Let her live with her decision and allow yourself to figure out who you are & who is deserving of you.

Its hard yes, I know, and very painful at times, but way less painful than dragging yourself through more mud over and over. That will make the healing process much harder and drive you crazy.

Block her, delete her, whatever it takes.
You should only exist for those that truly care. Not for game players.