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Pslayne2233, Good to hear from you. I am glad you feel better as time goes by. I had a slim hope that if she reached out and try to talk to you. I guess she is still processing her action, but prioritizing her high ego than marriage. You still have time, and let see how it goes. Her anxiety level should reach the peak by the W-Day, and she will reach out in any forms. Regarding to the relocation, it is not a major issue since you are willing to follow her decision. We went through relocation process for marriage, and I know how it works. Did I say I met my husband in Europe during business trip, and we found out that we lived in different states, and 2 hours a part on the day one? We both constantly traveled internationally, it was definitely long distance relationship for 2 years until we get married, but we never thought it was an obstacle or an excuse for breakup. He eventually sold his house & moved in my place, we both changed our jobs to avoid frequent traveling to get married. It was a big & stressful transformation, but it was not a big deal for a couple who were in love & wanted to be together for lifetime. Actually the whole process proved & deepened the level of commitment and love in each time, and is very rewarding. In relocation, she actually can take advantage which you both start fresh in the 'ex girlfriend free' land since she is so neurotic. She needs to grow up to get rid of the childish fear though. Local TV Show? How fancy. I guess you are a fan of her. Her issue is not about location to live. She is not sure about a lot of things include herself. She put herself in pain due to her doubt, insecurity, jealousy, and unreasonable rage. She has extraordinary IQ, but her EQ level is not mature enough to handle the marriage. She needs to look at hard her action & consequences and learn the lessons to come out by W-Day. You need to lead her to grow up, not be leaded by her confusion. In worst case, if she doe not reach out to you until a week after the W-day, you have all the right to ask her to choose counseling or closure. Have a good day. P.S. If you still wants to reconcile, stay away from any women age between 15 - 65, and stick with your mother only until W-Day. It will put you in the best position to lead the situation when time comes. HAHA |
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Hi Windind 200.. God you are insightful! Thanks again for the responses! I don't think that she will reach out before Wday for two reasons.. One: her pride is too big to contact me, because she has so much egg on her face from acting impulsively to me and how she handled this situation. Two: her birthday is 10 days after the wedding so she will focus on that.. ha! Im sure she will be in Puerto Rico on Wday as well to get support from her family. Ive never been a romantic until her.. Im with you when it comes to love, I will travel the earth, step in front of a bus for my loved one.. I used to think that if we did move away it would help her and subsequentially our relationship.. But that opinion has changed because like we said before, she would find anything to devalue and destroy our relationship. I went to my PCP yesterday and he put some things into perspective. He said there are two reasons I shouldn't want someone like her.. She either wasn't up front with me if this was something that she has been thinking about,(liar) or so irrational and impulsive that she makes foolish decisions regardless of who she hurts. I have stayed away from women all together.. It wouldn't be fair to me or that person.. I would be comparing the two the whole time, and that wouldn't be fair to that woman. If she doesn't contact me before Wday I believe I have my closure. She is just a selfish self centered jerk, this would be my understanding. After seeing her on TV and the sorrow on her face, I couldn't help feeling what a masochist she is.. Why put yourself through that much pain for something so easily fixable? There has to be more than meets the eye here, which if there is, she will be reduced to the liar staus which is where she is headed. Have a great day Winding 200!
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pslayne2233,
You are quite welcome. I am glad my input is helping you. It is my true pleasure to help you such a decent gentleman in a tough time. I am not special, but I am passing you my hard learned lessons to make you better decision. Thnaks for listening :) |
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Hi Windind 200.. God you are insightful! Thanks again for the responses! I don't think that she will reach out before Wday for two reasons.. One: her pride is too big to contact me, because she has so much egg on her face from acting impulsively to me and how she handled this situation. Two: her birthday is 10 days after the wedding so she will focus on that.. ha! Im sure she will be in Puerto Rico on Wday as well to get support from her family. Ive never been a romantic until her.. Im with you when it comes to love, I will travel the earth, step in front of a bus for my loved one.. I used to think that if we did move away it would help her and subsequentially our relationship.. But that opinion has changed because like we said before, she would find anything to devalue and destroy our relationship. I went to my PCP yesterday and he put some things into perspective. He said there are two reasons I shouldn't want someone like her.. She either wasn't up front with me if this was something that she has been thinking about,(liar) or so irrational and impulsive that she makes foolish decisions regardless of who she hurts. I have stayed away from women all together.. It wouldn't be fair to me or that person.. I would be comparing the two the whole time, and that wouldn't be fair to that woman. If she doesn't contact me before Wday I believe I have my closure. She is just a selfish self centered jerk, this would be my understanding. After seeing her on TV and the sorrow on her face, I couldn't help feeling what a masochist she is.. Why put yourself through that much pain for something so easily fixable? There has to be more than meets the eye here, which if there is, she will be reduced to the liar staus which is where she is headed. Have a great day Winding 200! |
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Im with you when it comes to love, I will travel the earth, step in front of a bus for my loved one..
Picking up a non existing issue over ex girlfriend, humiliated fiancé in public, dumped him for months before wedding is obviously not love. If she put her ego and birthday before marriage, what can you possibly achieve together? I feel so sorry for her, because she has no idea how to see 'true love'. It is her loss.
Why put yourself through that much pain for something so easily fixable?
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Hi Winding 200. Thanks again for the responses. I am just stunned that she has not tried to reach out to me after 3 years, living together, and engaged. Some of my friends say I should reach out to her because she might be too embarrassed to contact me from the things she has done. I don't feel it should be me to contact her because this was her decision, not mine. I expressed to her over and over this is not what I want. What an %#@hole! Some say this is a power game to her where she wants me to submit to her will.. Im starting to wonder if there is somebody else involved? I can say 100%, that she wasn't with anybody when we where together. Im just so confused, maybe this is what she wants me to be is confused, so I call her? I don't want to break my no contact with her because it will hurt my dignity that Ive attained from no longer letting her step all over me, and I think it was her decision to let go so it should be her decision to come back. Honestly the window to allow her back, if that would happen, is closing. She is continuing to be a jerk.. I just don't understand why she is waiting to call just to say hi as a friend after 3 years..? Sadly, I still miss her. Any advice on what to do at this point? Thank you! |
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I don't want to break my no contact with her because it will hurt my dignity that Ive attained from no longer letting her step all over me, and I think it was her decision to let go so it should be her decision to come back. Honestly the window to allow her back, if that would happen, is closing. She is continuing to be a jerk.. I just don't understand why she is waiting to call just to say hi as a friend after 3 years..? Sadly, I still miss her.
However, in my opinion, the best choice is keep NC until a week after w-day. I was in a similar situation, and I exactly know what you are going through. There is a cycle you miss her, hate her, hate yourself to miss the jerk, and wonder if she will be with someone else. No matter what it is, you should not contact her. She broke off, play this game because she does not love you enough or need you as much you do. Your pain means nothing to her. Remember, when you broke off with other girls previously without telling them clearly, did that incident hurt you that much? Absolutely not! If you go back now, it will only put her in a superior position, you will only loose dignity, and put yourself in a position to be dumped easily again for anything emotionally or physically. If you crawl back after this harsh treatment without your fault, her next dump will be even more humiliating & cruel. She is not a sweetheart type girl, you hug & cry, and put everything behind, and move forward together, as you hope. What we are trying to do is, let her realize the consequences of her action & the level of damage, and fix her as 'manageable partner' for your successful relationship. Your NC is punishing her as you can assume, and it is the best remedy for her now. That is your power. You still have a good chance to turn her as trained wife because you have the wday deadline. People's mind run based on the deadline. Her rage will be on peak when the deadline comes, and she will learn the lesson. If you crawl back now, you throw your last chance to fix your relationship, and accomplish nothing except express your desperation. What was her exact word when she left you? Let's review it again. (in case, if you prefer not to publish it, please email me on this site. I believe this site has a function you can email me without knowing my email address. We are anonymous anyway, it should not be a matter though.) Again, I had a similar situation. I had 2 major relationship before I met my husband, the first ex, coincidently ivy league MD, gave me the exactly similar pain. He accused me for something ridiculously minor, and broke off. I tried to talk it over, but he closed up. I started NC, embarrassed, could not talk to anyone due to my ego, and dealt with my bare heart and my limited knowledge in pain and confusion. That's why I am trying to be your support. I was angry because I was accused wrongfully, and the pain I had to suffer for the stupid reason was too harsh. I literally prayed god "please bring him back to me for any cost", and I meant it. I really thought his place was the last paradise, he is the last person I could love. I felt myself a person who was kicked off from heaven. If someone said to me stop praying it at that moment, I would not listen (you are here now I guess.) Fortunately and unfortunately, God always listen to us. Magically, the MD turned himself after I gave him 4weeks of NC treatment. Guess what. When I walked in his place again, I clearly realized that the place was not the paradise I imagined, and I could see all his fault at this time. I grew up through pain! I realized he was not worth for my heart. It was clearly "pink lens effect". We all paint our missed love with rosy color. It is human nature. He continued his childish act on and off. A year later, I finally dumped the irrational & selfish jerk, who is helplessly annoying me & himself tremendously & pointlessly. (that's why I said do not expect too much.) He suddenly obsessed with me, chased me like crazy for years (This is another reason of NC for you), but I lost feelings and moved on. Relationship should not be difficult or heart wrenching for any reason. It is very true you get hurt as much you love, and the level of hurt reinforce your love again as a cycle, but it is not working for long term relationship at all. By the way, I like to talk about how you should approach when time comes. I think you need 'demanding alpha male' approach not dedicated fiancé for your ex, who is unreasonably stubborn. In long run, what I see is, your ex liked to be punished as she punished you (by someone or you), and it will satisfy her because she believes the level of pain tells the intensity of love. She is seeking a cruel type of love. That's why your friend told you to stay away from this woman, and I agree with him. She is very likely end up with a worse jerk than she is, if your relationship does not work. She is like a volcano, she needs to burn someone else, or burn herself if it is not possible to burn anyone. Let her burn herself until w-day. The harder she burns, the better result will come. It will be definitely beneficial for both of you. I will not extinguish the fire if I am you. I hope it makes sense. Have a good day. |
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Winding 200 you are awesome and I really appreciate the help. Im going through peaks and valleys with my feelings and you are on point with your replies. I have to work until 11pm so I won't be able to answer in full until then.. Question.. Most of my friends, co workers, some family say I shouldn't contact her because its her decision.. Puerto Rican people will say call her and keep calling her.. According to them,that is what their women like and want to know that you really want them. They say it's a cultural thing? Do you think there is some validity to this? Or stick to my guns? Thanks so much
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Winding 200 you are awesome and I really appreciate the help. Im going through peaks and valleys with my feelings and you are on point with your replies. I have to work until 11pm so I won't be able to answer in full until then.. Question.. Most of my friends, co workers, some family say I shouldn't contact her because its her decision.. Puerto Rican people will say call her and keep calling her.. According to them,that is what their women like and want to know that you really want them. They say it's a cultural thing? Do you think there is some validity to this? Or stick to my guns? Thanks so much
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I love to hear your cultural aspects, and you are really considerate. I actually thought about it too when I read your post. My answer is still no contact. Here are the reasons. 1. I am not sure how long she lived in US, and how much she has Americanized, but if she completed the highest level education & hold professional occupation in US, she is American not Puerto Rican. If you treat her as non American, it is insulting in my opinion. 2. I agree her rage in public is not American way at all. However, you should not follow her level. 3. Love expression in some culture... I happened to watch some low level dramas in Italy & Spain during biz trips to kill time. Normally, the 30 minutes drama contained the full life cycle of passionate love, dating, misunderstanding, love rival, jealousy, marriage, infidelity, and murder. The most effective way a man proves love & regains a dismissed lover is "threatening lover by suicidal attempt". A man does not call, but visit her. Choose a place & time while he can have many audiences as possible (e.g. work or family). Throw himself on her feet, shout loudly (so audiances can hear) he loves her and he cannot live without her. She will resist. Then he tries to commit suicide in front of her with a "big and shinny dagger". Her ego will be fully charged, she will happily rescue & accept him. If you play this in front of her family at her birthday in Puerto Rico, I am pretty sure she will take you back temporarily (if she is Puerto Rican inside) . And what? Where are you heading to? 4. She is a very efficient woman, and she clearly knows what she is doing. 5. I am not concerned about her cultural background, but her TV shows. I have some experience in public show, and people act differently in front of camera. In terms, we develop a TV persona. If the shows last long enough, she can internalize it, and have 'drama' personality. If you start to call, probably you have to say 1000 times to lower yourself to the lowest bottom until you reach the drama effect to get results. And what? Where are you heading to from here again? 6. I am not sure if it is valid or not, but just pass you my thought. I have a feeling that even though you adore her as the most confident woman, she might have some inferior feeling inside her against your ex girlfriend, if they were American girls. Once again, you cannot help her. She needs to overcome. So, what is your goal at this moment? |
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Winding200 I can understand your points of her dramatic effect of her and her culture . I don't understand by what you mean about her TV show? I'm a litle lost on that one.. She has been in this country since college days. So I'm going to figure at least 10 years, but she holds on to her heritage with exceptional high regards. Yes she does know what she's doing which makes it more confusing, why hasn't she called, emailed, or any contact just as a friend?? She went from 100 to 0.. My goal is to hopefully get he back one day, get counciling on how to better our arguments. In your opinion, do you think she will contact me?? Sorry for the redundance.. Thank you
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Yes she does know what she's doing which makes it more confusing, why hasn't she called, emailed, or any contact just as a friend?? She went from 100 to 0..
You are love striken man, and your mind is stuck with the good time, not the fact of breakup. Do you remember what she said when she broke off? Her action constantly says she is gone for her choice. She is keep giving you harsh treatment, and you are expecting friendly gesture. You are way off. The reason she is not saying hi to you again: 1. she broke off from you 2. she chose to be alone since she broke off 3. she does not miss you terribly 3. she does not love you terribly 4. she does not regrets her action 5. she has no intention to reconcile 6. she determinded to treat you as nobody at this point Women with high ego do not say hi to ex just like a friend. Never. Some women try to reach out ex just like a friend to protect themselves from rejection, but friendship is not the actual goal unless they are completely over ex. She is very straightforward woman like a warier, and she does not vent. She cannot over you until wday. She has no reason to come out to you just like a friend. It is simple. Her only choice is opening her chest and talk. She will not do it due to her ego & nasty personality. I think she never trust anyone. I even doubt if she regrets her action. One thing sure is she keeps all the negative energy & anger inside of her, broil down, and ready to explode by wday. When she outburst, she has to do something probably in the disturbing way (E.g. She will send you the wedding stuff with bad word), and you will catch the opportunity to talk. It will be the weakest point for her, and I constatnly tell you that this is the opportunity you direct her for open your communication. Dumping is not easy as you know. However, she has hold herself very successfully, and keep dumping you until now. Does it say anything to you? She is not a lovely woman as you think, but mean as your friends said. That's why you guys need counseling. You are very considerate person, but fall for wrong person somehow. How many times did I tell you I would run if I am you... Regarding to culture again: I do not have Puerto Rican cultural background at all, but it is a big mistake to think that the specific culture allows women to be nasty and does not even vent & reconcile. If that is true, the whole society will be the hell for men. I do not believe there is such a cultural code in the country, but rather variance in each individual. Historically, women were supposed to be submissive to be loved by men, and in my observation as a world traveler, people in tropical region are all relaxed and peaceful due to the blissful weather. I had a tropical beach wedding in Puerto Rico by myself a couple years ago simply it was my fantacy (another coincidence), and I saw everywoman there was so corporative and sweet. If you argue I do not know them in depth, then I have no ground. |
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Hi Winding 200. I hope all is well with you.. Again you are right on the money with your assessment of my situation. My ex proved all the things you mentioned about how she feels. She doesn't miss me, she doesn't love me terribly,and has determined to not care about my feelings or respect how I could feel. Just a recent case in point, I went on her TV shows website and there were photos of a Latin night cruise and she was photographed with other men during the cruise. Irrespective of if they were just friends or co workers she has not a concern of how they might be perceived. If she has moved on that quickly after being engaged it would be respectful to me and my family to at least keep the photos private? I know everbody is different but I think the general consensus would agree that the photos of her with other men is unclassy and disrespectful. I guess I was hoping for a reconciliation but that is out of the question now. I read your prior post and you mentioned her communicating to me before Wday in a way that is particularly nasty.. Is this the type of communication you were talking about? At least time is showing me that she is a terribly selfish person and I have been making excuses for her selfishness and horrible actions.Someone posted that acceptance is the last part of grieving and its becoming clear that I have to accept this and try to heal.. Thank you for all of your responses and insight |
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I read your prior post and you mentioned her communicating to me before Wday in a way that is particularly nasty.. Is this the type of communication you were talking about?
I guess you are hurt by the fact. Yes, it is classic girly power game, and this is what I expected. She chose not to apologize you, but to push you harder to drive you nuts. Photographed with other men in cruise, and let them displayed on world wide web before wday? Gee, she is nastier & lower than I estimated. She has no respect for you or your reputation. If she was considerate person, she could talk to web editor to not to display them. It is extension of the restaurant scene. It is very bad sign for marriage. I do not believe she already initiated another relationship even before the wday, as she always accused your past while she claimed her high standard. But who knows. She might project her inner desire to you. (FYI. Women do not necessarily confess her past 100%. We selectively tell some of them.) She targeted you as the major audience, when she showed her sad face on TV, and let the photo displayed on web. She is ware of the impact on you, and she calculated all. Obviously, she wants to be chased harder from now, and get wed somehow in October as scheduled since it is only August. Smile! :) It is up to you. Option 1. You saw a cue, you have all the right to confront her now. However, the cue is not too strong enough, and you have to admit you were stalking her, and am very jealous about the other guys in the photo. It gives her more power temporarily. You can brush it off. You are still the fiancé until wday, and she has unrefundable wedding gown for 'your wedding' in her closet. You are in better shape than you think as I told you. If you only fight in her level, it will be fruitful. You can open a really heated fight as a man who stand up for dignity. Let's see what she has to say. Option 2. Better yet, you can smile & wait until she throw more cues. If the web does not work, she will do something more dramatic & nastier to step on your nerves. It is only August, and she has plenty of time to create more ugly dramas before wday. Actually it will show who really she is. If you show no movement by wday, she will be really upset, outburst, but more manageable for you as I said many times. You fight less, and can win more if you wait by wday. If you choose #1 or #2, Double check your goal before initiate fighting, call her up or show up and throw a heated line. The tougher entry is the better. Once start, do not step back until you get what you want. Say everything in your chest without filtering just like she did. It is healthy for you to open up and get out all your anger. Fight hard and show you are the man who has dignity. You have nothing to loose. You can win to take her to counseling, or at least get clean closure. Win win situation. If she start to cry at some point in the fighting, you can assume you win. A fighter is not crying, but a woman do. By the way, if you win, still you need good counseling before wedding. If you skip it, your marriage will be disaster. Option 3. If you think she is not wroth for all the childish drama, pointless hurt, counseling & possibly troublesome marriage, walk away and pursue someone else. She might not let you go peacefully, and throw more dramas. Please review the options, and pick one. I will be supportive no matter what you choose. It is all your call. I like #1 or #2. Smile! :) |
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Winding 200.. I am actually quite impressed on how you are calling this step by step.. Upon seeing her pictures I was questioning if there was a calculated motive behind them. In the 3 years of us dating she was never photographed except in the studio. In fact she is a super private person from the experience Ive had, and would not be so public.. I am going to sustain my pride and self esteem. I am not going to call her,email, text.. nothing. I will keep whatever integrity I have taken back.. Im probably wrong but I believe she will run to Puerto Rico on the Wday under the cloak and protection of her family. She has already scheduled that time off so she will have the support of the family on those days.. Not only has she displayed incredible selfishness and inconsideration, she has proved her cowardice by running from her problems that she has created. I am so grateful for your support and will follow any advice you can give..
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Winding 200.. You were right again. I didn't look at the pictures on her website but there were more pics of her with another man sent by a friend.. The general consensus by those who viewed felt the man was gay.. Either way he was seated right next to her with his arm around her. Still inconsiderate and rude.. But we knew she was going to do this as you said.. I almost called her but glad I didn't.. The wedding is a month and a half away.. I wonder if I should do the same, taking pics with women to play her game.. Im sure she will look at my ic and say see, I left for the right decision.. Any input Winding 200? |
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