[Tando]

Thank you guys...

[vanheart]

Tando,
PirandelloLuigi made some great points. To take her off that pedestal.

I was also dumped by a very selfish girl and have been in the chit now for almost 3 mo.

One important thing to realize is that she already has done the damage when she ended it. Everything after that, unless you had contact with her, is self-inflicted. Hard to grasp, believe me, but, that, in essence is the beauty of NC. To get rid of her, just as she did. And work on you and who you are.

The good thing is that she will never hurt you again.

I tell myself to not to be concerned with what she's doing because she is no longer in my life. I don't have to "let" her do anything. That decision has already been made, and most likely way before. Sucks, yes.

No you can make your decisions w/o her. Plus she's leaving the country right? Sounds a lot like my user and escapist ex.

Be in control. And what that means is NC forever. To be stronger than you ever imagined you could be. Here's your test.

No one wishes to suffer. But without suffering, there is no awareness and growth.

I say this because I am still working through my own breakup.

Hang in there.

[Tando]

Guys,

All the potential negative things you mention about my ex are just not fitting to her.

She did not bail out... why?! Because of the following reasons:

She fought for us big time... she tried to get through to me, very clearly (which I couldn't realise), very openly, but it is inexcusable if one partner is not willing (or capable) to enter conflict or communicate about certain issues or communicate at all, hopes for better times to come and waits for the laughs again which made me believe that the partnership is back on track. I closed my eyes in front of conflict and difficulties, tried to avoid it and hoped it will vanish just like that.

She gave me all my freedom, accepted so much of my $hit and swallowed down for us. She poured her heart out and told me that she feels we are having a one-way-communication and that she needs a dialogue which I wasn't offering her. She clearly stated it to me and even gave it to me in writing (in an email) and I can't understand why I did not react!!
Opening up to her could've made such a huge difference... entering dialogue...

In a relationship it is uninvetiable to communicate and discuss the issues of each other, to talk about your dreams, your aspirations, your ideas, your problems, your difficulties and try to compromise or support each other. I knew everything about her... but for her I was a mystery... because I kept it a mystery... because I am not used to open up towards anyone...

I hold back with so many things, I made myself a mystery and a person who is hard to grab and hard to be around. I made her feel complicated, which she is not actually.

I was happy in the partnership, because I was with her. Before entering the partnership, I had my silly plan for the future until I realised what I really wanted but I had it hard to admit to myself, that my former dreams are just not something I really want, but rather something I'd wish to do but am not the right person to do so... and again, I like to challenge people in their thinking and sometimes take over the opposite opinion just to make them re-think their position... even though I might be the same opinion as them... and I even did that during the relationship and talks about our future. I presented myself with my ideas but was willing to compromise on it actually.

I hoped to lead a different life with travelling around, seeing many places etc etc etc, but I realise that what I really want is a secure place, stability and a loving relationship (which I had) to be my backbone and evolve from there. But I was never able to tell her. I was never able to let her know that our partnership is my place of balance, my place of joy next to my sports.

Another thing that is so hard on me. She tried and tried and tried and tried to work on our partnership, to empower me and grow together. She realised soon that there are things that are bothering her and she wanted it resolved. Told me a couple of times and I never really understood or was capable to act accordingly although it was in my capability.

Of course she has fer flaws, but them are minor and I was never really worried about it. Believe me guys, she is a great person and I know I put her on a pedestal and everybody tells me that I need to knock that down. I tried but if you look at all the relationship guides and the important stuff in a partnership, I avoided the healthy process and promoted a conflict that was not to be resolved anymore.

I was so unbelievably insensitive towards her, neglected her real needs and pushed her away when she was trying to fight big time for us throughout the partnership. At 28 I am more immature in my knowledge about relationships than many 20 years old... so frustrating...

She sacrificed so much for me and us and sometimes I wonder if I ever realised what she is doing for me/us and if I appreciated it enough. She left her country, she left her family behind (huge step) and she left her comfort zone, her social network and her security. I don't think I really understood what this means for her, what a huge sacrifice that is since I am not attached to all the above things... I am not attached to many things after all... and I wonder if I honoured her step the way I should've... but instead I disppointed her again...

I am not a social loner, but an emotinal loner who has difficulties to allow people in, to discuss his issues, because for me conflict always hurt each other to a certain extend and somehow I always connected it to a loss of love and eventually a loss of the partner... and she was my most important person in life... and I did not want to lose her... never... I never looked behind the curtain of conflict which displays hurt, loss and difficulties and discovered the stage of growth, compromise and learning from, with and over each other...

... and all the things I mentioned above just contributed and provoked a break-up. Her energy level was down and I can understand her decision. She has to look after herself first. She has to be happy in a partnership, not unhappy...

She is a happy person altogether, she is smiling a lot, very optimistic, self-confident, straight, loving, caring, big-hearted, dedicated and just amazing young woman.

For me she was a jackpot.

Worst is that by now I'd be ready... and it is too late... even if I get my life on track and be able to change, I missed this huge chance to be with this awesome person...

... and everybody is telling me that she was not the right one, otherwise it would've worked out. I believe she was pretty good for me IF I was more mature and stabile in my personality. Actually no woman could've been right for me in this time since my concept of partnership was not working and could not work properly. No woman would've accepted my behaviour for good...

... so I wonder why I met her in this time of my life... the woman that I believe to be perfect for me... or was it her part to wake me up from my sleep and realise so many things about me...

... I had so many great times with her, so many good memories, almost no bad memories and if, then they are connected to my immature behaviour that caused conflict...

... people are trying to tell me to remember bad moments and bad things about her, but there are few, almost none... and the big $hit that was going down towards the end is something I can understand since she was desperate and maybe even looking for a way out. I know it is not the most accepted way out, but some people just need a trigger to leave... she also wanted to make a clean cut, not a nasty because I also did many positive and good things for her apart from the pain I inflicted.

She offered me to move out and pay half of the rent, she bought the engagement ring off me, that I got for us and stated clearly that she is not regretting the partnership at all and that she still likes me and hopes to be friends one day in the future. She also thanked me for the recent years together and said that she hoped so strongly for me to be her last partnership... she appreciates everything I did for her but cannot continue on this ground since she is running out of energy.
She said that through our partnership she learned the meaning of love. She was so positive and really tried to make an easy cut. She was also honest about the other guy and her feelings. In the end, she was so fair, honest and tried everything possible to make this an "easy" break-up. She also hurt and I did not realise she is hurting... I never really did... how bad is that?!

I was the person who made this partnership not able to work.
I believe after this description, you may understand my feelings of guilt a bit better...

... and why I wonder that others look at me as a wonderful person but I am capable of hurting my closest people over and over and over again, sometimes even not realising...

... and occasional in the end, they just turn around and walk out on me...

... something completely understandable, don't you think?!

All right, it is time for me to stop writing about this. It is just pulling me down again and at some stage I really need to get over it, simply accept my stupid behaviour, forgive myself and try to move on... I do not only have to move on from my ex, but also from me... and moving past me is the hard part...

[amicon]

Forgive yourself. We re only human. :-)

[Dare81]

WOW I just finished reading the whole thread.There are a couple of thing that you need to do to move on,

Quit puttung her up on a pedestal. She was a human being who had flaws even though you can't find any in her now doesnot mean she did not have any.

I know its hard but you need engange yourself in other things, maybe working out,reading hanging out with friends anything to keep your mind off her.

She has moved on and doesnot want you back.Think about that for a min.Let it soak in.

Be patient with yourself.NC is not a quick fix, its been almost a year since I went nc after a 8 year relationship, I am still not completely over her but I am a lot better then I was in the first month, and can fuction like a normal human being.

[Tando]

Hey dare81,

First of all... respect for your stamina to get through the whole thread... seems to be interesting ;-).

Thank you for your words... I know I do have a lot of healing to do and moving on is not easy for me since I need to forgive myself for what I did...

I know that I put her up a pedestal but I also mentioned that I know about her flaws and am really clear about them. Yet, they were all right to deal with. Probably I should've challenged her a bit more as well...

I am trying to get back my life but it's not easy for me since I beat myself up all the time and can hardly escape my negative thoughts but sometimes a rush of anger befalls my body and mind and wonders, why I am doing all this to me...

It is not fair towards myself, my environment and my close and loved ones.

But primarily for me!!

I need to learn to do stuff for myself, I need to follow my career, I need to find my inner self and find peace with myself...

I know that she is not hurting me anymore... she never really did anyway... it is my quirk and I am stuck there for the last 4 months... unbelievable... and it will take me at least another four months... even longer probably... it's going to be a slow process...

All right, my day was okay so far and I'm off to work in 15 minutes.
Will keep you updated...

[talaniman]

I need to find my inner self and find peace with myself...

Beating yourself up and focusing on the negative will not bring peace, and its unrealistic to think its all your fault. Acknowledging your shortfalls is great, if you have a plan to work on them, that's what growth is about, learning to deal with yourself, and love who you are. Then you will be at peace.

[Tando]

I don't have a plan yet. I am only finding out about myself and then it hits me badly... it is a process currently and the more I enter it, the more I discover... it is not all negative that I discover, but mostly... it just shocks me and I question myself and the way I lived my life so far...

Yet, I cannot deal with all the conclusions at once and starting to love yourself is a hard thing if you just discover what went wrong.

This will take me a long time to find peace and accept myself and learn how to deal with myself.

But if I take my time, do not want to stay impatient with myself and start accepting the reality, I will be all right.

A lot of mistakes have been done on my side already and it is time for me to look at it and learn from it.

I lost one of the most important people in my life,the person my life revolved around for the last 3 years and I am still revolving around her... unfortunately...

Sooner or later I need to leave that circle and head to new endeavours...

One of the closest people in my life told me:

"Look, although you knew about many of your mistakes already for some years, those days you were not ready to address them, you protected yourself by not looking at it and continue with your life. Everything has its place and time and I strongly believe that right now it is your time to look at yourself and start growing and learning."

These words offer me some help. It is not the first time I am having such a hard time to get over a break-up, if I remember right. But it is worse since my latest ex was the first woman who was able to capture my heart completely and who I imagined to be the mother of my children, my mate for life and my counterpart in life. I got my heart broken before, but this is the worst ever since I dedicated my whole emotional existency in this partnership.

Well, maybe something else to learn from... do not "fall in love to deep"... at least with no other than yourself...

[bella99]

Tando,

I think it would be best for you to just dive into some new activities - you are definitely spending a LARGE portion of your time analysing your past releationship. Its good to do, but only in moderation. You need to take your mind off it, and do something fun for yourself. When you wake up, make up your mind that you will do something selfish for yourself - some new activity, and do your best to keep her out of your mind for a period.

You definitely don't want this to take over your life. Its hard to get out of that habit.

[Tando]

I know, bella,

Problem is that it has taken over my life already and it is hard to let it go again...

I am a thinker, I always was and always will be... somehow I managed to suppress it over the last few years, but currently it is taking me in...

Until this moment, I knew about my minor mistakes and I dealt with them just fine. I accepted them and managed to get through life somehow...

... but now it hit me badly... really badly... all the dark stages and negative deeds and actions of my past are picking up on me or even overtake me...

Seriously, I do not even know what can make me happy currently. I seldom smile or laugh and if then it is not from my heart...

... it is hard for me to enjoy fun currently and to even feel luck or joy...

... if you'd ask me: "Okay Michael, let's do something fun for you. What would you like to do?!?", I would not have an answer for you... I lost my happy side completely, I took my inner child and put it in a closet, locked it properly and somehow threw away the keys... now I am looking for it in this huge mess of my inner self and I know it is hidden somewhere there underneath all the crap that I need to get organised before picking up the key...

[PirandelloLuigi]

I think if they truly loved us, they would have accepted our flaws and make compromises. Giving up easily just shows me a lack of interest or low interest.

When I was younger I was in a relationship for 8 years and my ex back then never mentioned to break up after an argument.

Tando I know you feel guilty, I am feeling guilt too, but I cannot believe it's all our fault, I know they also pushed for a breakup.

Even if we think they tried hard to save us, I still believe they did not try hard enough. The scale was heavier on one side, until it tipped over.

Don't think about it anymore, every time you have a thought of it, block it and think of something else.

Hang in there buddy! You are not alone...

[kctiger]

The reality of the situation is that relationships don't always work. There doesn't have to be fault with either person. People change, feelings change, it happens. The biggest mistake we can make when something like this ends is to try and find someone to put the blame on. This is life, things end, people come and go... a lot. Just means it wasn't meant to happen, as hard a pill that is to swallow.

[bella99]

Tando,

I definitely know what you mean when you say that you can't find joy in anything. I've had probalby one of the best summers every - went sky diving, lots of concerts, to the beach, and there was a black cloud over the entire thing. I wasn't excited for any of it really. I would have been had my ex been there, but he wasn't.

Really right now the only thing that you will let make you happy is if she comes back to you - but there is a super slim chance of that happening. SO you need to just make some plans - go and try to have fun, and if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen, but you just need to start doing stuff. Eventually you will start to have fun again.

It takes a long time - you have only been dealing with this for a few short months - Eventually you will start to enjoy yourself again. You will enjoy yourself when you stop wishing that your ex were with you at events, or just over hanging out. I'm still sorting this stuff out myself.

[PirandelloLuigi]

I don't have much motivation to do things either and it's been 7 months since breakup.

But I go out when I can, go to the bank, groceries, put gas in car, on Friday nights go out with friends. It's small steps, but 5 months ago I would not even get out of my apartment. It's a slow process but eventually we move on.

I try not to remember all the things I did with my ex, especially on week ends, that hurts...

[bella99]

See I am the opposite. I make myself sooo busy that I barely have time to sit alone at home. I know sitting at home alone just makes me upset, and plus how will I ever make new friends and move on if I'm at home? Plus, my ex is always super busy with lots of plans, and I think that spurred me onto just becoming really busy so I don't have to wonder what fun he is having at that moment because I'm having my own fun ( I guess I kind of secretly want him to be jealous of me), but I am having fun.

I hate sitting at home.

[Tando]

@Pirandello: how can one make compromises if the other does not enter into communication and dialogue?! How shall you know how to behave, if you don't know the other part and you are not sure how to act around him... what makes him angry, what his likes and dislikes are? My ex claimed to not know that...
And lack of communication is just plain and simple inexcusable and unfair!! She had to try and compromise by herself... all by herself...


@Bella:

I hate sitting at home, too!!

I hate sitting at home and allowing life to pass by for a long time but yet I do due to my lack of I-don't-know-what...

I am in a highly depressive state of mind and procrastinate even worse than I ever did... and this time I don't seem to get my things done at all...

It's been four months and it feels like time hasn't passed at all. I still feel like sitting in May, only two weeks after the break-up.
I question my sense of reality. I wonder what is real. I wonder if I realise that my life is passing by without me... or do I expect too much of it?!

Often I do not realise what has happened and that life just continues... I completely block it and make myself believe that she has NOT broken-up with me in the first place. I tell myself that she cannot just have fallen out of love with me. I lie to myself and don't allow the facts to settle. This way, I cannot move on and I am manipulating myself again... just the way I am used to do...

I cannot imagine her leading her life without me... enjoying closeness with another man, planning her life, future and presence without me... just like that...

Maybe I take myself too serious and important.

Guys, I am living in a "perfect" world of my own where everything is good. And will come good. I am very naïve in general yet already encountered death and poverty (in others), emotional pain and other stages of severe depression (in myself). Mostly I block these things out of my mind and try to continue to look at the positive side of life and somehow avoid the cruel truth. But I believe it is always walking with me... one can run to the end of the world but your problem will always be with you...

I guess it is a protection mechanism... I also try to avoid places that I connect to negative experiences... my home town for example and in the future the town I am living in currently.

Everything I do is just not healthy and I seriously feel sick... pychologically sick... I feel that something is so wrong with me, my outlook on the world, my missing ability to feel with others and realise their reality, pain and problems. I seem to avoid all negative and hurting things in life and try to live in a happy and good world - a world that does not exist.

[PirandelloLuigi]

Ok this might sound a bit harsh, but I have no choice to say this.

Dude, there's millions of women out there, find another one.

The divorce rate is at 50%, there is plenty of single women, go out there and find one. Don't miss out on life because of 1 girl who broke your heart.

Stop dwelling on your ex. Bro I swear I really loved my ex too and I wished during these months that she would call me back, but she did not. What am I going to do ? Wait for her call ?
Waste another 7 months of my life? When I could be dating the woman of my life.

Hell no! I won't wait for her call, cause if she loved me she would have called a long time ago. Dude I don't even know if she is dating someone else and if I did that would push me to find someone else even quicker.

Bro move on, find someone else and forget her, if she still loves you one day you will get a call, in the meantime you get busy too and start dating again, enjoy yourself. She will be more attracted if you are confident and with a sexy girl than if your alone and depressed...

Makes sense?

[vanheart]

That's not harsh.
Its reality. A reality check.

Sometimes its hard to face things. But it sounds like she is the most important thing. As was with me.

WAS the most important thing now.

Who's important now?

[amicon]

Michael do talk to your friends and family about this?maybe talking through all this with a counsellor might also be helpful?:-)

[PirandelloLuigi]

Thats not harsh.
Its reality. A reality check.

Sometimes its hard to face things. But it sounds like she is the most important thing. As was with me.

WAS the most important thing now.

Whos important now?

Now the priority is yourself, you can focus on yourself cause she is not there anymore to take all the focus. We have to remember to always be in touch with reality when in a relationship. Sometimes we fall in love and just put too much focus on her/him and they become our life, so when it ends, it feels like our life ended too...