[PatBateman]

The girl I've been seeing for the past 2 months is now my girlfriend. After a weekend trip to the city, she hinted at me to ask her "the question", and I did. We agreed that the title meant nothing more than the fact that we'd now get to know each other exclusively, kind of like dating assurance I suppose. We also agreed that nothing would become more serious or move any faster, and that we'd get to know each other at a natural and slow pace over time. Good stuff.

I want to make sure I do it right this time though. I know the mistakes I made with my ex, and don't want to repeat them. However, I'd like some opinions from the women in here as to what they like from a guy in a relationship...

One of the mistakes I am afraid of making is being too available... not just for making plans, but emotionally available I guess. I want to make her "work for it" I think. Of course, I can only improve through practice, so here's my chance. Any tips for this?

[Wildcat21]

Yes - take it SLOW - GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

Be busy doing gother things. Have a friend to call when you feel like calling her - text a friend instead of her.

LESS IS MORE!! GIVE LESS OF YOURSELF AND SHE WILL WANT MORE.

MAKE HER CONTACT YOU MORE THAN YOU CONTACT HER - ALWAYS.

Don't always make plans - make plans with your friends. Don't give up ANYTHING becvause of her. If you golf - keep golfing.

HERE IS A HUGE KEY WE DO NOT DISCUSS HERE - Under NO circumstance do you change your life style and what you do because of her. If you go out with the boys on Thursday - keep doing that.

[PatBateman]

What about when she calls or IMs me? Don't respond right away? Call back the next day? Should I still play those types of games even thought she's my girlfriend now?

[Wildcat21]

These are NOT games -it just means your busy. Respond - but not always right away. Be mysterious. She's also testing you to see how needy you are.

You don't have to always be there like a love sick puppy dog. Ever.

[PatBateman]

You think she's still going to be testing me? Like, purposely testing me? Hmm...

Would you mind giving me your opinion on this:

We took a lot of pictures in New York, and she took a really good one of me that I liked so much that I made it my Facebook profile picture. Well, she signs online and sees that I uploaded that pic, and she asks me when I am going to upload the other ones on Facebook. I tell her later on this week and she says thanks and that she wants to see them. It's weird though, because I gave her copies and she has them on her computer... so she doesn't need me to upload them online. I think she's doing this to see if I'm comfortable in showing our mutual friends that we're together... or more specifically, showing my ex-girlfriend...

Think this is the case?

[Wildcat21]

I know it's not popular here - the women here won't admit it - but women will always test you. Laugh at the tests - it's no big deal. Go to Google and punch in "women's tests for men" - great articles will come up and show you what really is going on.

Yes - she wants SECURITY in showing the pictures. Is she a little insecure?

[PatBateman]

I think she's insecure in the fact that she's not sure if I'm into her. I mean, she has legit right to doubt because I just got out of a LTR, but I've assured her that I like her for her, and not just the novelty of being with a new girl.

I ended up posting the pics before I went to bed. Now I think I shouldn't have, and should have waited until the end of the week, but I thought it was stupid to do that. I had time, and it only took me 10 seconds.

[Knowledgefinder]

Like Wildcat has already mentioned, it's important to continue to do your own thing. Just because your in a relationship doesn't mean that you should stop doing the things you used to enjoy doing. Continue to make time for yourself.

From a female perspective, I don't enjoy it when my better half is busy, but at the same time, I do appreciate that he has his other personal interests and things that occupy his time, other than me. It's not healthy for anyone to drop everything else for the one they love, right then and there, just because. In a time of need, certainly it would be appreciated. Otherwise, it's important to maintain a healthy balance in a relationship.

Waiting can bring good drive from a better half, a craving to be with or spend time with, as was kind of hinted at in this thread already. Just don't wait too long with things or the wrong impression is going to be given. You just may end up with a complainer on your hands instead of what you're really looking for. Give space to do your own thing, but know when to turn it off and turn it back on. You don't want your lady feeling like she's being deprived of your time and attention.

[talaniman]

Hi Pat, Glad to see your doing well. I know the ladies will be along but for my 2 cents any healthy relationship will need balance and communications to even have a chance to grow. Don't change the things you do without her and give a lot of thought before to any suggestion to do otherwise. Growing together is a key to use wisely and make sure your pedestal is supposed to be just as high as hers. Yes their will be tests, that's what women do, Always stay honest with yourself and question anything your uncomfortable with. Love doesn't mean give up everything you believe in, so don't fall for just anything.

[Wildcat21]

"fact that she's not sure if I'm into her." - Right now, where you are - that's a good thing. You're only a few months into it - keeping her arms length at times is ultra healthy.

No rushing things. Less is more for now.

[PatBateman]

You guys think I failed the test by posting the pictures when she asked me to?

[Knowledgefinder]

You should post them if you would like to, not simply because she asked you to. However, if you did make a promise to post them for her within the week, then you stick to it so that she knows you are good to your word.

The fact that you are dwelling over these pictures is a bit concerning. Relax. :) They are just pictures. Take a deep breath here and relax. It seems like you're putting way too much into things you don't need to spend time dwelling on, like the pictures. This is going to stress you out to constantly spend your time dwelling so much like this.

When you want to do something for her, do it, but do it when you're ready to do it. :) Don't jump always when she asks you to do so. You do what works for you. :)

[PatBateman]

Well, I'm not dwelling on them, but more so on the reason why she wants me to put them up so soon. I wasn't even going to post them... lol. Not because I want to hide her from anyone, but I just don't really care to show the world my personal life.

[Knowledgefinder]

Well, tell her that. She should be sympathetic to the fact that you don't wish to share your personal life with the world. There is nothing wrong with going out of your way for the one you love, but be sure that in doing so, it is comfortable to you. If you're not 100 percent comfortable in doing something for her because she asks you to, please don't do it but be open and honest with her as to why you won't do it. If she respects you and your feelings, she will understand.

[Skell]

I think you need to relax. It is good that you don't want to make the mistakes and also good that you want other people opinions on how to make it work.
Good!
Slow. Everyone will tell you that.
But just relax. Breathe. Take it easy. Don't put too much importance in her.
Now that you are exclusive doesn't mean that you can't still be the fun guy. No petty fights, arguments etc over trivial things. No jealousy.
Be fun. Have fun. Laugh and most imprtantly enjoy your time with her.
Just don't overdo it.
If you are having fuin when your with her chances are so is she. And why would she want something like that to end?

[PatBateman]

I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months. It all started with her asking me to go back to her place one night after a party, and we started dating. This past weekend I took her to NYC for a day trip and we ended up staying the night because we missed the last bus back home. Following certain "hints" she has given me, I also asked her to become official, although I didn't want to. Pretty dumb, but whatever. So fast forward to tonight, just a few days after our NYC date, and she says that we need to talk...

... uh oh.

Basically, she told me that she thinks we're moving too fast. She said that we've seen each other every single weekend for nearly 2 months now, and she wonders if I'm the type of guy who has a life outside of a girl, or am I dependent. She pointed out that I am too available. (Yupp, some of you are going to say "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!")

At this point let me say a few things:

- being in a 6 year relationship prior to this has got me accustomed to seeing a girl often, and I recognized this potential downfall, which is why I made it a point to only see this new girl ONCE a week on the weekends. So in short, I thought I was doing the "less = more" thing just fine. I didn't call her more than once a week, and we talked online 2-3 times a week, with her intitiating the conversations.

- I don't have many friends by choice. I have 3 best friends that I hang out with, and maybe another 2-3 semi-best friends. I don't like to drink, and I don't like to party. I just go to work, go to the gym, and hang out with people (whoever it may be) on my weekends. During the week, I simply don't have any time to do anything but work, workout, eat, and sleep.

I thought I was doing fine. I mean hell, I thought she was the one rushing things. I made quite a few posts about this girl. I mean, here are some signs I interpretted as saying "lets get more serious":

- invited me back to her place the first night we hung out (we met 2 weeks earlier)
- got physical with me REAL QUICK... pretty much everything but sex
- asked me to hang out with her every weekend (dinner, dancing, going to a birthday party)
- wanting to take pictures of our dinner date to the Top of the Hub in Boston
- bought me a dvd of her favorite movie randomly
- told me that she "has a feeling that I'll be around for a while"
- the night we stayed in NYC, she looked at me intensely and told me to "ask her my question"
- told me to post all the pics we took in NYC on my Facebook profile (probably wanted me to show everyone that I was with her)

All of these signs pushed me towards asking her to be official... even though I was hesitant. I like dating, but I just got out of a relationship and don't want another one just yet.

So we had this talk, and I told her about all the signs I thought she was giving me and we hammered out our miscommunications. We agreed that we like each other and still want to see each other. However, she demands that I SHOW her that I am not always available and independent, not just tell her like I did tonight. Simple enough, but hard to do for a guy like me with 3 friends and a full-time job and bodybuilding hobby.

Seems like she's telling me point blank what to do... but I'm not so sure. Almost seems like she's saying "This is a warning for you...if you continue being a wuss, I'm gone".

Opinions? Advice? What the hell do I do now? I promise I'll listen to exactly what you guys say... is it too late? Damn it... I think I may have already messed up a good thing... I want to keep seeing her because I think this has got potential, so that when I'm finally ready for a relationship, this will be the girl who I am ready for.

I just don't get how what we've done so far has been "rushing things"... I really don't. I've just been going with whatever she wants...

Maybe I should just forget about this girl?

[Skell]

Pat, pat pat pat...

Go back and read all your threads. I tried to tell you this would happen. Didn't want to say I told you so but I have to.

6 years my friend. 6 freakin years you were with another girl and you jump straight out of it into another one. Of course it seems like you are dependent. YOU ARE!!

I don't know how many times it was impressed on you to take some time off from women all together. Learn about yourself. Find hapiness on your own. But no, you insisted on pursuing this women.
Give this thread a 5 star rating. This is what happens when people jump too fast into their next relationship. We see it all the time here.

Don't contact her now. Lwet her chase you and when she does, answer but say you are busy with the boys and will call her back.
Call her back a few days later.

Meet new frinds. Do new friends. She has told you not to be so available. So don't be. Find other things to do. Even if it is nothing, sometimes you can say NO to her.

She clearly likes you in some way. But she has really quickly found some faults in you.

I think you may not be as un clingy and independent as you think you are.

I have to admit in all your threads you always came across that way to me which is why I would have liked to have seen you take some more time to yourself after such a big relationship.

I only encouraged that because I am going through the same thing after 7 years and it is only now after about 7 months that I am begginning to like myself again. I think it is so crucial to have that time. I see it with friends of mine who jump from girl to gril. They never last.

Anyway, I think it is time to back right off and go real slow. No chasing at all. If she likes you like she says she will no how to contact you.

Good luck!

[PatBateman]

I will admit that being with this girl has given me some comfort... in the sense that everything is OK, and I can still find a girl even after my previous fall-out. It's an ego boost of sorts, or maybe an ego-repair... I don't know. But I know this is definitely the unhealthy aspect of my attraction to this new girl.

I don't like how I've been behaving. I spend a lot of money I shouldn't be spending every weekend, and I'm always tired during the week from not sleeping on Saturdays. My workouts are beginning to suffer, and I'm tired at work. I knew this couldn't go on any longer... I just wanted to ride the train for a bit longer because it made me feel... well, happier.

You know, the FUNNIEST thing is that the other girl I met... the one from the club, who I haven't spoken to in nearly 3 weeks contacted me last night and asked me if I could hang out with her this weekend... lol. From her perspective, I must have come off as busy and mysterious, since I didn't bother talking to her because I didn't care about her at all. She'd IM me and call me and I'd ignore it... lol... and just make small talk for like, 2 min once in a while because she'd IM me.

I know that I've got to treat this girl like I did with the girl from the club... just, not care! But how is my question... without making her think that I'm actively trying...

Any specific ideas?

Any more opinions?

[Depressed in MO]

Any more opinions?

I think you did just fine in my opinion. I think you just found yourself a real BIT*H.

But as you know, you will get many different opinions. See, if you only called me like once as month, I would never think that you had any interest in me. I see this advice for people on here all the time, but I disagree with a lot of it as I think it is only for people who do NOT want to get into a relationship. Yes, take it slow, call,email,etc... once or twice a week, visit once a week, or AT LEAST once every two weeks. So I think the way you did what you did was perfect. You will see a lot who disagree with this, but... they are not all alone and probably have different wants/ needs in their life.

So sorry to hear about this. But you will find what you are looking for... mainly when you are NOT looking for it.

[charlie123]

From what I have gathered about you... you value friendship, take card of yourself, you care about your job, you don't drink or do drugs, you care about what girls think... YOU ARE A CATCH! You deserve to find someone who likes you for you & wants to spend every weekend together & appreciates that you express your feelings. When you meet the right person - she will think everything about you is either charming, handsome or sweet. So, if I were you - I wouldn't answer her calls for a week or two. If she tries to make contact after the two weeks & you still have feelings for her - you could give it another chance. But I think maybe you just need a little time for yourself since you just got out of a long term relationship.

And one more thing that I noticed was that you said your relationship started when she asked you to go back to her place after a party. So - maybe you should take a step back & think about if she is really the type of person you want to have a relationship with. (I am not judging her because everyone has skeletons in their closet (believe me I have my own:)) - but she may not be at a point in her life to appreciate what great of guy you are.

May God help guide you to make the right decision that makes you happy!