[Mom of 2]

I was able to spend some time with C on Saturday. He invited me to his house for the afternoon/evening. He cooked out on the grill and we had dinner together with his son. His daughter was getting ready for her Homecoming dance and he was able to take pictures of her before she left. I made sure that I was no where around for these pictures, as this was something that he and his daughter should have on their own without me hanging around. Sure, if we were together for several years, I would think differently about it. I just don't want his daughter to resent me in any way or think that I am trying to replace her mom, who happened to be out of town and could not be there for this special event.

I was also able to be with him on Sunday for his son's birthday party. Although we kissed hello and goodbye in front of his kids and he and I did not seem to feel nervous about that, it was not like we could really spend a lot of time together. No, I did not expect that we would be able to spend alone time together, as that was not the purpose of the get together. I am just very happy that he wanted me to be a part of it and that I was able to be there. His son was surprised to see that I had brought something for him and actually brought the card over to his dad to show him, "Dad, look what K**** got me".

For those of you who do not know, my boyfriend has custody of his kids and has them almost everyday. This has been frustrating in the past because if his ex did not follow through with her designated weekends, our plans would often have to change, which would mean that we were not able to see each other. However, it seems like things are starting to change and he is having me come around more when his kids are there. I still need to remind myself that I have to remain patient and that he is doing his best to see me as often as he can. The next step is to have my kids meet his kids. I'm nervous about that because I don't want to force any of them on each other just because their parents are dating each other. What happens if the kids don't like each other? Will this spell an end to our relationship? I know, no one has an answer to that question. This is just a thought that keeps entering in my mind.

Yeah, I know, I am worrying about the things that I don't have control over at this time. I just wish that I could see him more. I miss him so much sometimes. I am so jealous of my friends who are able to see their boyfriends more than I can see mine. Then again, I feel proud of myself that I am able to function by myself without him being there. My friends often ask me how I can stand not being able to be with him and I just tell them that at least for now, because of the extenuating circumstances, this is how it has to be until our relationship is more defined, especially as it relates to the kids.

Sometimes I feel frustrated about staying patient. I don't think that I am needy, but sometimes I think that I am because I want to see him more. Then again, I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me wanting to see him more because we really have not been able to see each other and be totally alone together since August. The last time that we were totally alone was at the end of August. We have seen each other since then, but it is usually with his family or his children and we have not been by ourselves. Hey, I will take that because I like his family, but I just want to be able to snuggle up to him, and I can't do that with his family/kids around.

[Mom of 2]

JUST AN UPDATE. It has been a while since I posted on this. Things continue to go well between C and me. Because of my knee injury and the fact that I was not able to return to my restaurant job until I got a work release, we were starting to be able to see each other at least once a week (remember, between our schedules, the distance that we live from each other, etc. makes it difficult). But, an effort is definitely being made, which is priceless. I can't believe that in just 3 weeks it will be a year that we have been together. Sometimes it feels like time is going so slowly, while at other times, I can't get past how fast it goes.

C had to go to Mexico for his job at the last minute on Tuesday night. He called me while he was enroute to the company jet at the municipal airport near where I live. I made a sarcastic comment of, "Well, you could have stopped by to say hi/bye to me!!" He kind of laughed and said that he should have thought of that. I just mentioned that if the situation presents itself again, that it would be great if he could. Well, he was supposed to be there until Thursday night, but for some reason, he came back last night. He called me as soon as he landed to ask me what I was up to. When I told him that I was finishing up on homework with my kids and then getting them to bed, he said, "Oh, I was thinking about coming by, but sounds like it would not be good for you, we'll just have to wait for the weekend." I was a little sad, but at least he was thinking about it. See, I have a real goofy visitation schedule with the ex, so it is hard for other people to remember when I have my kids and when I don't. It involves a lot of flip flopping of days (every other Tuesday, every other Thursday, etc). Anyway, it still would have been nice for him to be able to stop by. Maybe I should have said for him to come over anyway, just to see each other for a few minutes. Oh, those darn should have, could have, wouldas!! Next time (if the situation should present itself again) I will do just that. I mean, the municipal airport is only 5 minutes from my place.

Oh well. We have tentative plans for him to come over on Saturday. With me FINALLY being able to go back to work tomorrow, (YEAH, I got my work release from the doctor last week) it will be going back to possibly every other weekend of being able to see each other. Part of me is fine with that, while part of me finds it so hard. It's not that I NEED to see him, but I just love being with him. Thank goodness that we talk every day, otherwise, I would just be going batty. Part of the reason for this is that we have yet to have our kids meet each other. I continue to be very hesitant on this because of the what ifs that are going through my mind. "What if his son doesn't like my son" etc. etc. The personalities of our kids are so diverse, that this is a possibility. I am resigned to just let it happen when it is going to happen. One of the good things is that my kids are TOTALLY open and really want to meet his kids, but I don't want to force the issue. Like I said, it will happen when it will happen.

Again, I am trying to stay patient. I know that we care for each other VERY much. I remind myself daily that I have to live in the moment. I am very pleased that there are no trust/jealousy issues in this relationship. If there were, then most likely this relationship would have ended a long time ago.

So for the moment, I am still taking one day at a time. "sigh" I just wish that I could see him more often. I just love it when he looks me in my eyes and does not say a word, and just shows me his wonderful smile. No, we have not said those three little words yet. Yes, I am okay with it - at least for the moment. I know how I feel. If those feelings are for real, then I will still most likely feel them in one month, two months, three months, etc. I am coming to terms with the fact that it is not important whether those words are spoken, but it is the actions of the people in the relationship that defines the relationship. It is always scary to utter those words for the first time, as you never know how the other person will respond. Maybe that is what is going on. He has a tendency to copy cat my actions, so maybe he is hoping that I will say it first. Who knows. The only way to really know is to take the risk, but then again, I am in no real rush. At least for the female perspective, it is always really nice to hear those words, though. What about it guys? What are your thoughts about saying those three little words? Are they necessary? Are they too scary? Could you live without them? When a girl/woman says them to you, how do you react? What does it signify to you?

[Mom of 2]

Okay, I'm getting frustrated again. Things are really going well, but it is soooo hard to get him to talk about feelings. Why is that? My brother told me that guys don't want to put in writing how they feel because it is "proof" that they don't want to leave behind. What is THAT all about? If you have a feeling, why shouldn't you express it? Is that the difference between men and women? I really don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, but I have to acknowledge the thoughts that are in my head and find out why I am having those feelings. What are the underlying reasons, are they justified, etc. I know that he cares about me and he wants to be with me, but seem to express it in words more than he does. Deep down inside I think that he is scared to put into words what he is feeling, but it would be nice to hear them more. He does a lot of things for me at my place without my having to ask him. He states that he does this because he feels that it is his job to do these things and that I shouldn't have to worry about it, etc.

Why am I having these feelings again? I thought that I was over this. He sent me an email this morning, asking how my new job was going, how I was doing in general. We sent each other a couple of messages updating each other and then my final email, I stated that I missed him, even though we saw each other on Saturday. He never responded to that one. Did I scare him? Am I being too clingy?

By the way, he asked me if I had any plans for Thanksgiving and I told him that my kids would be with their dad on Thanksgiving and that I was not getting together with my family until the weekend. He then invited me to his mother's house for Thanksgiving. I think that says something, but why can't he tell me how he feels?

[jrebel7]

Mom of 2, not all men are able to express what is in their hearts with words. My husband is one of them. He tells me he loves me and misses me if we are apart but if we have had an issue, he can't find the words to express his feelings so he "does things around the house" that he wouldn't ordinarily do. Once I begin the conversation to work things out, he opens a bit more but still has difficulty verbalizing what is in his heart. I realize we are talking about a new relationship as opposed to one of many years but it has always been the same. Some men can give flowery speeches of love and devotion. Sometimes, those words seem to come too easily to them. I would rather have someone who struggles to share what they feel than one who can just take off running with words. It makes me feel they have said it all before to many others. If he has not seemed to lose interest in your time together, which it sounds as if he has not since he wants to spend Thanksgiving with you, I would not be too concerned. As far as the e-mail, maybe he has been away from his computer or got called away to do something and will get with you later. As long as you have been dating, it might be nearing a time in the near future, that you just have a visit, not confrontational but just ask him what his feelings are and if he is comfortable with how things are going. I don't think by this time, you scared him by saying you miss him. He may not be ready for things to change in his life, as far as putting the words out there. If you can be patient, do so. If it bothers you too much, then I see nothing wrong with having a small visit about feelings. A person has a right to know where they stand with the other.

[Mom of 2]

Thanks jrebel. As always, your advice helped me. I have to remember that things come up at work that he does not have control over. That's one of the bad things about email because you don't know what is happening behind the scenes and sometimes people read more into it than is warranted. I will remain patient because he is more of an action man than a word man. My ex was definitely a word man, and like you said, probably said a lot of the things too easily because he said them a lot at first, especially if he wanted something, but then waned at the end. Yeah, it frustrates me that I'm not hearing the words from my new guy that I would like to hear, but at least I know that when I do (I know that there will be a when because he has told me in the past that I make him happy and that he is happy that we met, etc.), it will REALLY mean something. I have to remind myself that he is not my ex (THANK GOD) and that he is his own person and I have to stay content that there is nothing wrong in the relationship, other than my wanting to see him more.

As always, I will keep you posted about what is happening. I would like to have that talk with him eventually, but I don't want him to think that I am pressuring him to say certain things just because I am able to express them. I was trying to lead by example, but I guess I will have to stay with patience.

[Justwantfair]

I have to say I like this thread, mostly cause it's like your own personal diary of your dating relationship and the ups and downs that come with it. Sounds like on a whole the relationship is going very well, but I must admit after almost a year and still not being able to have both sides together must be frustrating on both sides and it sounds like your children welcome the idea. I think parents think of these situations a bit different, but I think children are more resilient than we adults give them credit for. I would bet that you would find it a relief and it may take away some of these insecurities if you were completely sharing your life with him.

[Mom of 2]

Justwantfair - You hit the nail on the head. If I was more involved in his life, then a lot of what I am feeling would not be there. However, I am scared about my kids meeting his kids because no one wants their child to be rejected by anyone. Then if his son does not like my son (or vice versa), thinks he is weird, etc. I would imagine that would have some effect on the relationship.

At any rate, I don't want to force the issue about his kids and my kids meeting each other. My boyfriend is really great with my kids and my kids love him. I know in time it will happen, but it will take time. If we are meant to be with each other, then there should not be time constraints. I never imagined that I would be able to fall in love again. I always thought that I would be considered damaged goods of sorts and that no one would accept the entire package. Now I know that is soooo untrue.

So, I will just continue to take one day at a time and whatever happens happens. I just consider myself lucky that I really have a great guy and that I know that there are more good things to come. I will continue to post any and all updates. Thanks for the compliment on the thread.

[talaniman]

I got a real chuckle out of that last update Mom, as that's the eternal question isn't it? "Why can't he talk about his feelings?". His actions speak clearly, but I think you would feel better hearing the words, but I caution you, to balance your expectations, with his actions, and relax and don't trip. LOL!

Sometimes us guys (and females to be sure) communicate through non-verbal means. You ladies just have to pay attention to us closer.

I've always told my wife, I take out the garbage because of love, not necessity. So should she take it out for the same reason? Naw, she just says its full, and stinks, ( wheres the romance in that?) just to show you how you females are so missing it.

[Justwantfair]

Well I think that you are on a great path. It is so hard to put your life back together after a divorce and when you realize that you are walking away with two humans that are completely dependent on you and what you do from that point forward is extremely difficult. It is wonderful that your relationship is progressing so wonderfully I imagine that when you both stand united and introduce the whole family to each other you will be surprised how your children will react united watching you and your boyfriend united on everyone getting comfortable together. Good luck, I look forward to coming by for updates.

[Mom of 2]

Thanks for all of your latest posts. I WAS getting frustrated about the fact that my boyfriend has an inability to express his feelings in the way that I express my feelings.

This brings me to a different, but somewhat similar issue. Is it wrong to tell him that I like certain things, such as cards or flowers? Or should I not worry about those kinds of things? I don't want to ruin our relationship or create stress in it just because I would like these things from time to time. I send him cards all of the time because I want to. I would think that he would want to do this because he knows that I like these sorts of things (kind of like leading through example). How do I express this to him without insulting him in any way? I have to laugh because one day we were picking out a card for his niece's birthday and he just went to one card, picked it up and then said "This looks good" and he started to walk away. I told him, "But you didn't even read it." He was more concerned about the price of it than he was about what it said inside. I had to laugh, but at the same time, it made me think, "He doesn't like this sort of thing". BUT I thought that it is a good thing to do things that the other person likes from time to time that may not be what you want to do. For instance, I don't say a word when he wants to go to the Bass Pro Shops. Would I go there alone in my spare time? No, but I know that he loves going there and I want to go with him because of his enjoyment. When we were there one time, I asked him a question about something because I REALLY wanted to know the difference between one item and another, and I think that he was pleasantly surprised and very happily showed me things. Another time I told him that I like it when he calls me everyday so that I can hear his voice before I go to bed. After I said that, he has been calling me at almost the same time (to the minute) every night.

Should I say something to him or just leave it be?

[Justwantfair]

As you can see hints do wonders... LOL, but if your man doesn't express emotions well, he probably misses the benefit of doing the little things that make their partner feel so special. Hints can help if you don't want to be direct, but even if you are direct about in an honest way - I am sure he would be receptive because he is probably very aware that he doesn't enjoy or do any of those little things. Something that really helps is the five love languages book, it teaches that we all have a different language of expression, some touchy feely, some acts of service, some gifts of pleasure, some quality time. It is interesting, he may not understand your way but he is probably happy trying to make you happy, just show him the way.

[Mom of 2]

Thanks. I think that I am going to start buying myself flowers because I like them. It always brightens a place. If he picks up on it and starts getting me flowers, great. But in the meantime, I will still have my flowers and not have to wait for someone else to do it.

When it was my birthday, he told me that he had difficulty deciding what to get me because I did not give good clues. Maybe this was his way of telling me that I need to be more direct with him. By the way, he did a GREAT job in getting me something for my birthday, so maybe my clues are not THAT bad.

I'll try and be a little more direct with him because I don't think that he picks up on the subtle hints. I always know what he wants because he tells me how he went someplace and was looking at something, etc. I guess I have to do that very same thing.

[Justwantfair]

It's a man thing, I think I am direct, and he thinks I am talking in circles... LOL

[talaniman]

There you ladies go, trying to train us!!

[Justwantfair]

Where would you be without us... lost I tell you, absolutely lost... LOL. :)

[Mom of 2]

Wandering aimlessly would make you happy? Well, I guess in some ways it would because you wouldn't have to think about anything.

All kidding aside, I think my relationship is going rather well. It is only my insecurities that sometimes get in the way. I'm sure that he has his own insecurities as well. I just don't know about them. Because why? HE WON'T TELL ME. Then again, I don't tell him mine, so I guess it is all fair.

He called me this afternoon, which he normally never does. He said that he just wanted to hear my voice while he was driving to a convention in the city. He then called me tonight to ask how my day went. So, I know that he cares and thinks about me often. So, I'm going to TRY and stop worrying about the little things. And, Talaniman, I will stop trying to train him!!

[jrebel7]

Mom of 2, you are learning things that took me years to learn. You are ahead of the game by being patient. It sounds like he really does care and just has a difficult time expressing it in words.

Tal always has great advice. I think guys sometimes do think women are trying to train them. Probably they are not far off from their perspective, while we are just striving to get closer and feel more connected.

Life is just a real surprise, isn't it?? Sounds like you are enjoying one of the more pleasant surprises of life with this guy. I think you and I think somewhat alike so I understand your desire for him to put into words, his thoughts and feelings. I had to laugh about the cards from earlier. My husband use to do that. He is older now, has gone through some loss, and that has seemed to have made him a little more thougthtful of what a card is saying. Life just has a way of working out if we let it. I would have wanted to be more confrontational than you have been about so many issues and have read how things have worked out in this situation and that situation for you. I'm not a patient person but seems you have done so well in making good decisions. It is a beautiful story of a journey, not yet knowing the ending but looking forward to seeing how the journey progresses.

[Chery]

Wandering aimlessly would make you happy? Well, I guess in some ways it would because you wouldn't have to think about anything.

All kidding aside, I think my relationship is going rather well. It is only my insecurities that sometimes get in the way. I'm sure that he has his own insecurities as well. I just don't know about them. Because why? HE WON'T TELL ME. Then again, I don't tell him mine, so I guess it is all fair.

He called me this afternoon, which he normally never does. He said that he just wanted to hear my voice while he was driving to a convention in the city. He then called me tonight to ask how my day went. So, I know that he cares and thinks about me often. So, I'm going to TRY and stop worrying about the little things. And, Talaniman, I will stop trying to train him!!!

Hi dear. It sounds as if you are doing just fine except for the direct communication stage. We cannot read minds but we can listen and read body-language. You made him happy about asking about Bass products because he thought you probably would not be interested. We women notice these little things faster because we purposely look for them. Men need a more direct approach as long as it is not in a complaining form.

As for training, NOPE, it's called evolving, and done only on a voluntary basis when a man feels like he will make you happier this way. It will happen on it's own, or it won't - depending on the relationship. So, please don't be insecure about it. I think the insecurity stems from your past relationship and you are just scared you might make mistakes... but they are there to be made and learn from - together. That's how we (and men) show how much we really care, so please don't worry.

I usually don't recommend books, but ''Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus'' is a very interesting book for both sexes. It helps 'translate' and explain the differences we have and how to understand. It is one book that I have enjoyed reading these last few weeks... and at my age, I cannot read much, so it is interesting enough and enlightening reading to keep me interested enough to turn the next page. It's never too late, and we are never too old to learn a bit more.

As for the children.. just like with pets, leave them to themselves, let them check each other out without showing your fears and they will get to know each other without violence. Most kids today know and understand what it's like to have 'patchwork' families and can cope better than the adults. You have to try and trust them in their observations - and they probably know how their parents feel - especially when they are happier than before. They observe a lot more than what we give them credit for - and we usually cannot hide much from them anyway. I'm pretty sure that all will work out well.

I certainly wish you all the best dear, and do keep us updated.

C.U. on the forum.

[Mom of 2]

I was just thinking about something as I was reading the last few posts. I have been to about 5 family functions/times at his house when his kids were present. They seem to be somewhat receptive in that they are never rude to me, always say hi and have talked to me - at least completing a full sentence. His kids may not be throwing their arms around me, but then again I don't expect them to, at least not at this point. They are still going through a lot because their mom only agrees to have them over to her place when it is convenient for her. For instance, she states that she does not celebrate Thanksgiving anymore because she does not like that the early settlers "killed the Indians and took their land". There may be SOME truth to that, but that is not the true embodiment of the holiday and why we celebrate it today. It is to be THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE!! And if you can't at least be thankful for your children and the little things in life, than life must s*ck for you. At any rate, she does not want to spend that holiday with her children and she says that she has to work on Christmas (his daughter told him last night that her mom is actually going out of town for Christmas - so there is yet another lie). My boyfriend wanted to have their kids spend at least one holiday with her because it is the right thing to do, but she just does not see it that way. She has been missing soooo much in regard to special events with them, but that is her loss. I just don't want them to think that "I am here to save the day!!" like Mighty Mouse, however part of me just wants to give them a great big hug and tell them that I really do care about them because I see that they are hurting inside. In no way do I want to replace their mother. Not only because it is too early to think in those terms, but even if we were dating for a number of years and decided to spend the rest of our lives together, she is still their mother and she is the only mother that they will ever have. So in the meantime, I am willing and happy to kind of step to the side when it comes to his kids and not be an overwhelming presence to them.

[Justwantfair]

My mother is an absentee mother and I was raised by my step-mom and dad. I must say that you can worry about them thinking you are a replacement, but they more likely will just respect you. No matter what wrong's your mother does, I can attest there isn't anyway to replace a mother. They will appreciate having a female in their life at some point in time. I think your day by day taking your time approach will help them.