Check out some similar questions!

ihatewestseneca · Mar 19, 2008, 10:29 PM

*sigh* I don't think I'm sleeping tonight... I guess deeper down I still had some false hope... weird...

vivia12 · Mar 19, 2008, 11:54 PM

Originally Posted by ihatewestseneca

she just emailed me again saying that she cares about me so much, but that she doesn't want to be with me again... it kinda sucks to hear that, but deep down, im glad she did.

That sucks! Why did she boher e-mailing you and said that,
Conf-u-s-i-on! Stay away

TrueFaith · Mar 19, 2008, 11:54 PM

Ah dude its normal the whole its cool I'm cool part we play ;) its just make us feel better. But yeah deep down there is always hope.

Yeah man put the lunch thing down to... OK that was my good bye and that's it officially over and move on with your head held high

Good luck

confused25 · Mar 20, 2008, 12:32 AM

Originally Posted by ihatewestseneca

she just emailed me again saying that she cares about me so much, but that she doesn't want to be with me again... it kinda sucks to hear that, but deep down, im glad she did.

What the heck. That's just some confusing stuff. Wow, the stupid games people play. Whatever, just take it at face value and don't respond. Also, don't worry about the way you feel. Deep down, when love is involved, we all have that bit of hope that everything will go back to the way it was. Its human nature so don't beat yourself up over it. Just keep your head held high and keep moving forward.

talaniman · Mar 20, 2008, 06:25 AM

You are way ahead of her in the healing my friend, as she still has a way to go. She should have come here first, as you did, as you handled yourself in a very manly way, and it seems to have pissed her off some what. Oh well, we live and learn, and you have learned very well.

HistorianChick · Mar 20, 2008, 06:35 AM

Oh Westy, you did amazingly well! I'm duly impressed by your ability to really be yourself. That is wonderful.

I agree with Tal, you're so far ahead of her in the healing process that you're leaving her in the dust. You've figured out who YOU are, your strengths and weaknesses, your likes and dislikes, your character, without her - not despite her, but truly separate from her.

I think you're right. I think she does miss you as a friend. At this point, maybe you could just "be her friend", but I don't think it would be a good choice. You've been honest with her and said that you weren't pining, but rather that you were enjoying life - let her get to that point. She needs the healing just as much as you did. She needs what you have found.. . contentment.

Again, you're doing so well. I'm proud of you! :)

Mom of 2 · Mar 20, 2008, 07:16 AM

I can't help but think that she is being manipulative. My question is, who was the one who originated this meeting? When you said that she told you that she is afraid of being alone, I think that is the reason that she is doing and saying the things that she is saying. Apparently, things are not going well with the new guy and she was probably hoping that you and her could pick up where you left off.

Always remember, there is a reason that she is an ex and is not currently in your life. Yeah, remember the good times, but also remember the reasons for the breakup. It sounds like there is a lot of drama in her life. Life is stressful as it is without drama. For instance, you asked her what was wrong when she started crying and she said "nothing". I hate that!! I have a lot of girlfriends who do a lot of this and it irritates me to death. If there is nothing wrong, then why would a person cry? I truly believe that she wanted you to say that you needed her, that you couldn't live without her, that you made a big mistake and that you both need to be together. She apparently had different expectations for the meeting between you two and it did not go as she had originally planned. Most likely, she had the scenario played out in her mind prior to the meeting, with the result that you would both be together again.

My advice? Continue to move on with your life as you have been. It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and are making great choices in your life. If you get together with her, you may find yourself taking a step (or a few steps) backwards. Don't do that to yourself. There are a lot of good people out there in this world, you just have not found "the one" yet. It is better not to have someone than to be miserable with someone.

confused25 · Mar 20, 2008, 09:05 AM

Originally Posted by Mom of 2

If there is nothing wrong, then why would a person cry? I truely believe that she wanted you to say that you needed her, that you couldn't live without her, that you made a big mistake and that you both need to be together. She apparently had different expectations for the meeting between you two and it did not go as she had originally planned. Most likely, she had the scenario played out in her mind prior to the meeting, with the end result that you would both be together again.

I think she definitely had an outcome in mind, but it just didn't go the way she planned.

ihatewestseneca · Mar 20, 2008, 09:47 AM

Thanks for the great advice and kind words everyone...

After sleeping on this, I can say that I feel so much better... like I never even took a step back. As for her saying everything that she said, I'm not going to take it to heart as she is still very immature and is unsure of what she wants anyway. So I'm going to continue with NC, though I may ask her for her brothers' numbers, as I feel I can help them cope with breaking up with their gfs... but other than that, that's it.

I feel good this morning/afternoon.

Mom of 2 · Mar 20, 2008, 11:28 AM

I wouldn't ask for her brother's numbers, as this will be a tie that she has with you. If you weren't close enough with them before, why do you need to be close to them now and "help" them through this? It doesn't make sense. I think you still have feelings for this girl and you are more confused than you are leading us here to believe. I wouldn't have anything more to do with this girl or her family. That is just my opinion. You need to break totally away from this person AND her family. Find someone else who is worth your while, otherwise you will begin to move backwards instead of forwards.

ihatewestseneca · Mar 21, 2008, 08:43 PM

I just got another email from the ex... she basically told me that she knew for awhile that it was supposed to end... she insists that I did nothing wrong... and that I was the perfect boyfriend. I find this "i knew for awhile" thing hard to swallow as days before she broke it off with me she was telling me all the nice things you could think of... and then dropped the bomb on me... I can agree with the "you did nothing wrong" part (hear me out), because I can't think of a time where I really screwed up. She goes on to say that God was telling her that it wasn't meant to be even though we got along so great and I treated her so well (really? Is His work that mysterious?). She says about a million times that she is really happy and that things are great, and that she wouldn't change a thing right now. And I'm kind of happy that she's doing good...

anyway, really back to NC, I should have never met up with her... but I thought I was strong enough to handle it... if it weren't for the emails, I think I would have been. This has set me back a bit, definitely not back to day 1 but maybe month 1 or 1 and a half. I guess I think to practically... I know that there's always going to be someone that's 10x better for me in every way imaginable... but I was happy with her. Nothing stays the same I guess... oh well, I guess I got a lot more living and learning to do.

ihatewestseneca · Mar 21, 2008, 08:58 PM

I know that I can't believe/trust anything this girl says anymore, as she is still a young, confused little girl. Its amazing how quickly I bounced back from the crappy feeling I had in the last post... it has literally only been like 20 minutes... NC works so well. I don't feel set back at all anymore.

Ahh, more post break-up bipolar syndrome acting up. Lol
I know I'm going to be just fine... this girl is a drop in the bucket that is my life.

Although I can't shake the feeling that things between us aren't over... is this a typical feeling for the first love?

Noname1 · Mar 22, 2008, 01:15 AM

Sorry to go off topic but I was just curious to what "NC" meant?

As for your situation, Im not an expert on relationships and I definitely have a problem right now myself but I really hope you get through this man. From what I read you seem like you're doing well for yourself and just hang in there.

ihatewestseneca · Mar 22, 2008, 11:55 AM

NC means "No Contact"

confused25 · Mar 22, 2008, 12:23 PM

Personally I don't believe everything she says, but that doesn't really matter. Right now this is about you and I'm glad you are handling things well. Don't respond to her e-mail and keep moving forward.

sirjames · Mar 22, 2008, 03:47 PM

I love this website lol

Mom of 2 · Mar 23, 2008, 02:12 AM

I am a true believer that certain people are brought into our lives for a reason. We may not know what that reason is at the time, but after a period, we realize what the reason is. Love is patient and love is kind... love is not jealous or boastful... I think you know the rest of the passage. Maybe this person was a part of your life in order to show you what love is not. Take this relationship as a learning experience.

As far as feeling that things are not over between the two of you, that is completely normal. There are stages in the grieving process that you need to go through before you are finally "healed". I have stated this in other threads of similar topics, so I apologize for being redundant to those who have read these posts. Breakups are very similar to a death of a loved one, as you are experiencing a death of a relationship. You have to go through the denial phase, which is what you are experiencing at this moment. The other stages are anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance (Please refer to the book that was written by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross). You may not go through each of these stages in this exact order, and sometimes you keep going back to a particular stage over and over. However, in order to totally get over a relationship, you have to go through each of the stages in order to heal. Some people are able to go through all of the stages as quickly as 6 months, while others continue to "struggle" through all of the stages for as long as many years. If you skip any of these stages and do not allow yourself to experience the feelings of each of these stages, you will never be able to get over a relationship.

Since you state that this is your first love, I take it that you are still rather young. You have a lot of living yet to do, so continue to surround yourself with positive people and experiences, continue to acknowledge the feelings that you are feeling and do not deny any feelings, even if they are negative/sad, etc. Feelings are feelings. They are not right or wrong. It is what your choose to do because of these feelings (act out in anger, drink in excess, etc.) If you continue to struggle with certain feelings, seek the services of a good therapist to help you work these feelings out.

From what I have read in your posts, you are headed in the right direction. Continue to move forward and resist the temptation to move backwards. Resist the temptation to get in contact with her brothers or her friends, as this will prolong your healing process.

Sorry for the long post. I hope that my advice helps you. Good luck in your choices. I have faith that you will make wise ones.

confused25 · Mar 23, 2008, 11:25 AM

Mom of 2: Can you go into more detail about the denial phase, such as symptoms, signs, and how to get out of it? I've heard of this stage but I think it would be helpful to all of us to have more details as to how it applies to the end of a relationship.

dodgy_dave · Mar 23, 2008, 12:45 PM

I think that it is extremely hard to stay friends with someone that you have shared a loving relationship with. It's a great idea in principle but in my experience just leads to confusion and further heartache for at least one of you.

Sounds like you both, if not then certainly she, have mixed feelings after seeing each other. Perfectly understandable!

Mom of 2 · Mar 23, 2008, 11:11 PM

I would be glad to go into the details of the denial phase, as well as details about the other phases, as this would be helpful to other individuals who are going through a death of a loved one or a breakup of a relationship.

Denial - This is either conscious or unconscious (sometimes we are aware that we are in this phase, sometimes we do not know unless someone points it out to us). This phase is identified as a refusal to accept the fact and avoiding the reality that the relationship is over - or the fact that the death occurred and the person will be walking through the door any minute. It is a defense mechanism and is a natual feeling. If you are going through this during the breakup of a relationship, you constantly tell yourself that both of you will be getting back together soon and that whatever problems that caused the breakup will be resolved and that you are not really broken up. Some people get stuck in this phase for a long time. During a breakup of a relationship, this can last a lot longer because the person is still alive and you may see them or have some kind of contact with this person, who may be giving you mixed signals, etc. However, with death, you cannot avoid reality for a long period.

Anger - People going through a breakup or death may be angry with themselves or with other people. It may be directed at the person they broke up with or who died, or someone close to them who was not involved in the relationship.

Bargaining - For a person who is facing death (i.e. dying of cancer) this person can try to bargain with God (or whoever their "higher power" may be) that if they do not die, they will promise to do something in return (i.e. stop doing drugs, be a better person, not be so short-tempered, etc). For someone experiencing a breakup, this may mean them asking, "Can we at least stay friends?" or "If I change ABC, will you agree to stay with me?" Basically, you are negotiating a better situation than the outcome you see in front of you.

Depression - This has bad connotations, but when a person hits this phase, they are really close to accepting the reality of the situation. This is a feeling of sadness, regret, fear and uncertainty.

Acceptance - This is emotional detachment from the person they lost through death or a breakup in a relationship. Once you are at this stage, you have accepted the reality that the relationship is over and you are ready to move on.

Again, you do not have to go through all of these stages in this exact order, but you do have to go through all of the stages to move forward. Sometimes people have experienced two or more phases at the same time or they may go back and experience one of the phases again, even though you thought you were through with that phase. Also, there is no set time limit that is set on each phase, as some people may take longer to get through a certain phase than others. You have to go through the phases at your own pace. It may take just a few months to go through all of the phases, or it could take years. If you are having an extremely difficult time, please seek the services of a trained professional (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.)

I hope that this helps. Again, please refer to the book that was written by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. You can find the book at your library or in a book store. It is a must read for anyone who is going through a loss, whether it is death or a breakup.