14 and out?

artlady · Apr 29, 2009, 02:15 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

What is it you think your heart is right about?

It's not right about her and surely not right about sticking around while she humilates you and your marriage.

Have to spread the rep Justy but I could not agree more and the YOU DESERVE BETTER post was right on the money.
I fear for this mans sanity.People are not meant to endure this blatant pain and humiliation!

talaniman · Apr 29, 2009, 02:35 PM

What does your lawyer say?

DoulaLC · Apr 29, 2009, 03:01 PM

Move out or ask her to. The relationship you had has changed; it is over. Simply tell her that since she has chosen to be with him then she needs to leave and be with him; you will no longer be subject to the pain that it causes.

No more back and forth... if she says she wants the marriage but also him, then you will have to make the decision for her.

Tell her that you can't do this anymore... it is too painful and you need the space to start healing.

It won't get better as it stands... it will likely only get worse... cut it off now. Those first steps are horrible, but you have to push through them so that you can get to a place where you can see things clearly, have some breathing space, and get on that path to healing and making a better life for yourself.

If you have friends or family that live elsewhere, maybe consider taking some personal time and go pay them a visit so you can be away from that environment for several days.

Angrychair · May 1, 2009, 07:29 AM

Here is my reason for enduring this and you may think its not a good one but I tend to overthink stuff. If I divorce her she stands to acquire a substantial amount of cash which in turn will enable her to secure a foothold in leaving with my daughter and exposing her to a lifestyle that no parent would want a child to be around. Its not about the cash believe me is about my kids They are my life and the reason that I have endured this LIVING HELL

talaniman · May 1, 2009, 07:48 AM

Your right, that's not a good reason, as it does far more long term damage to a child to see you both going through this adult crap.

Even worse, what kind of healthy relationship role model is she getting. Kids understand divorce much better than adults do, so no excuses there.

You really need to get this to court buddy, and let them set the new rules.

Don't understand what you mean that she will get a bunch of money from this, since you are married. But that's not the point, the point is what YOU do about this situation, not what she does. Come on Dad, man up. Or is there something else we should know?

Angrychair · May 2, 2009, 09:00 PM

Well you would have too be in this situation to really understand. She asked me if she could see him one night a week and us stay married and that was the last straw. I told her that I was not willing to share her and that if she went to him tonight that it was the end. The last thing she said was that she loved me. My words in reply to her was "Its all about who you choose to love". That was the final contact Ive had with her. I kind of expected this to happen so at least for now the pain isn't so great. I guess it will be harder when she comes to get her stuff.

lighterrr · May 2, 2009, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by Angrychair

Well you would have too be in this situation to really understand. She asked me if she could see him one night a week and us stay married and that was the last straw. I told her that I was not willing to share her and that if she went to him tonight that it was the end. The last thing she said was that she loved me. My words in reply to her was "Its all about who you choose to love". That was the final contact Ive had with her. I kind of expected this to happen so at least for now the pain isnt so great. I guess it will be harder when she comes to get her stuff.

This is like adding insult to injury, let her come and get her stuff and do whatever she see's fit in her life. You seem to be a loving dad just focus on your children.
Don't look for any reason's to stay cause frankly I cannot see any, the marriage is over, accept this fact and start to make plans to move on. Your wife seems to want an open marriage and if you where OK with that well that's OK but since you are not you need to make decisions that best suit your needs. You have endured too much emotionally and mentally her behavior and lack of consideration for YOU and the children is not acceptable.

cozyk · May 3, 2009, 12:28 PM

Originally Posted by Angrychair

Yeah it does seem like I am making all efforts, but this woman has been my world for so many years I just am trying everything I can think of to save this sinking boat. It may be that Im just polishing brass on the Titanic. Life sometimes pushes us in down paths that should have be taken long ago. Jesus 14 years is a long time to throw away

If she continues seeing this man tell her, "you gotta go." "I am not going to make it easier for you by letting you have your cake and eat it too. " If she does not want to work on the marriage, then she has no right to be in the home that you two share as a married couple. Your child stays in the home with you. She is the one going outside the marriage, so she needs to get out.

Jake2008 · May 3, 2009, 12:47 PM

I think both of you need a refresher in just what a marriage is, as opposed to what it isn't.

The voluntary union for life of one man and one woman to the exclusion of all others.

There is no compromise or inclusions, or allowances. There is also nowhere that I can find in any definition that allows for a third party, i.e. the boyfriend, or marriage one day a week, and adultry 6 days a week.

The definition of course, could be... one man and another man, or one woman and another woman, as gay marriage is legal here in Canada.

But, for the purposes of the mess you are in, I think that definition of it applies.

You are not longer married to her, she is no longer married to you.

You need to make the distinction legally, and protect yourself, and your children.

Angrychair · May 6, 2009, 01:27 PM

Here is the latest example of having your cake and eating it too. She wants a divorce now but she wants to stay at our house she wants to keep my name and she wants to be a couple but she's tired of being married

N0help4u · May 6, 2009, 01:34 PM

Tell her that is no deal and certainly NO type of relationship and NOT fair to you.
Maybe tell her for now to separate and her move out. Go for child custody orders asap.
I don't know if you can be separated to do that but if it ends up in divorce do it asap.

Justwantfair · May 6, 2009, 01:35 PM

Originally Posted by Angrychair

Here is the latest example of having your cake and eating it too. She wants a divorce now but she wants to stay at our house she wants to keep my name and she wants to be a couple but shes tired of being married

That makes absolutely NO sense, why are you talking/listening to her?

What is your escape plan?

What step are you on?

cozyk · May 6, 2009, 02:20 PM

Originally Posted by Angrychair

Here is the latest example of having your cake and eating it too. She wants a divorce now but she wants to stay at our house she wants to keep my name and she wants to be a couple but shes tired of being married

She wants to be a couple?? What does that mean? Don't let her call all the shots. She has entitlement issues. Time to set her straight.

Jake2008 · May 6, 2009, 06:48 PM

AngyChair, are you still going to counselling? Have you seen a lawyer?

I get the impression, and I hope I'm wrong, that you are stuck in this toxic dance with her, and neither of you are going to make the final call.

If you want to take a few steps back and come up with a plan, then do it. Nothing should be determined asset/child custody wise, without the advice of a lawyer. Those negotiations should go through them, cut and dried.

Please consider not encouraging her to keep coming back like a stray cat. Tell her that on such and such a date, the locks will be changed, and any further contact will be via your lawyer.

This has to have some resolve, it is getting more and more twisted by the minute. Lay it all out, and deal with it.

Nothing good can come from what you are allowing to happen now, for any of you.

DoulaLC · May 7, 2009, 02:48 AM

Get a lawyer now... the marriage is over, she has already made that decision whether you are ready to or not. She is a few steps ahead of you on dealing with the dissolve of the relationship... which is common, one partner often has already started to "check out" before the other is even aware of what is going on.

Now is the time to focus on what you want... what you need to secure yourself financially and so forth. Of course things will be divided, and depending on where you live and how long you have been married, it may not be up to you how that will happen, but you need a lawyer to make sure everything is handled on the up and up.

Meredith1978 · May 7, 2009, 05:37 AM

I agree, little thing someone told me when I went through it... moms don't always get custody but statistically, he who files first gets it. If you establish residency right out of the gate, she has to prove you unfit.

talaniman · May 7, 2009, 07:14 AM

I feel your pain, but don't understand you inaction. Read the excuses you give, just can't buy them.

Angrychair · May 7, 2009, 07:42 AM

Yeah I tend to agree I just can't seem to find the courage to do what needs to be done, what the hell is my problem. I feel like a huge part of my life is dead if I do this. She said we could file without a lawyer and just go in front of a judge but I think at least I need to get one involved to protect my best interest. She said we can be civil and agree on what to do with the kids which is a huge step from where we were a month ago.

Justwantfair · May 7, 2009, 07:51 AM

This divorce is going to get ugly, there isn't really going to be anyway to keep this civil, although you may have civil ups and downs. You are right to get a lawyer and protect yourself.

Have you talked to one? Found out what you need to be doing to protect yourself? I know it is painful, but you are hanging on to a dream. It's time to wake up and do what you have to for your children, if not for yourself.

DoulaLC · May 7, 2009, 07:52 AM

You can remain civil about it, and that would be a wonderful course of action to make things easier for everyone involved, but with children, assets, and any debt involved, you really want a lawyer to make sure everything is sorted out appropriately.

Divorce can often times cause partners to square off on issues, and it can become quite heated, even when you would never expect someone to behave that way. But keep in mind, you probably never expected her to cheat on you either.

It is hard, even when your head is telling you it's over, sometimes your heart can't quite come around as quickly to that fact. It often takes people a bit of time to work through the various steps of breaking away from a relationship... especially one of any length and with children involved. But do keep moving forward, little by little, and be sure you protect yourself legally. It gets easier... but unfortunately, you have to go through the rough parts to get there... there is no quick fix.

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