[Krs]

She didn't understand my recovery process from alcohol and every time I stepped out to "take care" of myself, she took it as I didn't want to be with her. I explained that it's not like I'm going to a strip joint with my friends, or out partying, I was just "taking care of myself".
I tried to explain that I have to put my recovery first. ....

Sorry I should have explained it better.
But you said you are in recovery that's what I meant. :o

[valinors_sorrow]

It's a well known concept that when you take away the alcohol from an alcoholic, you often get a co-dependent. While only you can tell if this fits, it is possible your own codependency is adding into this mix and jacking up the neediness and subsequently the hurting too. Besides there is some genuine grief that comes to all people who end a relationship (regardless of what it is) that you aren't dulling with drinking to factor in as well. Feel what you need to feel and it will pass, I promise, so long as you don't pick up.

Its really fantastic that you are so committed to your recovery and that is exactly as it should be, number one prioriity! I am sure you've heard in the rooms, the suggestion to stay out of relationships the first year -- a suggestion I took and understand now why they say it too. I did so much changing that first year that who I might have been with probably couldn't have accommodated it.

I can only tell you that over the years, I have had to pick between my recovery and other things more than a few times and so far with a lot of support from others, I've picked recovery which is partly how I got to 18 years sober. When we are initially so sick, we attract sick too-- that is a profound truth. But the really cool phenomena that I can now see looking back is that as I got weller (LOL, yeah well something like that!) the things (like jobs) and people I lost along the way were replaced with healthier versions, which was a very good thing too. It's the subtler part of the recovery process, which is much bigger than people think.

Take it easy, take it slow and focus on replacing the security-at-any-price you got from the sense of being a couple (even though she was not supportive herself!) with healthier support from your friends and sponsor, if you have one. I promise greater things will come later, when you are more ready for them. It did for me and countless others too. I hope this helps ease your sadness and that you can see the lesson in it. You done good, as far as I can see, which in recovery sometimes feels bad initially but this too shall pass.

[Wildcat21]

Yes - you became dependent on her... keep reminding yourself of all the bad.

You need balance in a relationship and she wasn't willing to give that to you.

[sfqt33]

Wildcat,
Can you please explain to me a little bit more as to what you were saying?
Thank You

[s_cianci]

Often in unhealthy relationships there is a pattern of co-dependence where each of you needs and reinforces the others' abusive behavior. As you say, being in recovery and "taking care of yourself" are major steps and are no doubt causing you to confront head-on other self-destructive behaviors you've engaged in thus far besides alcoholism, such as unhealthy relationships. Also keep in mind that as you go through the recovery process you're probably in a very vulnerable time in your life which may cause you to feel somewhat emotionally needy. Are you involved in any type of support group as you recover from your alcoholism? A good strategy may be to confide in them about your relationship issues and allow them to help you through that as well. Although not directly related to your drinking in and of itself, support groups are designed to provide holistic support in all aspects of your life as you plow the way to recovery so they ought to be a great source of strength and support as you cope with the issue of breaking away from unhealthy relationships.

[sfqt33]

Thanks for everyone response. Yes, I am in a program and have been clean and sober for awhile. I just began a different program that is allowing me to look at "Me". It's weird because I am always trying to look at the other person, fix the other person etc. My behavior is changing.I am taking care of myself and other people don't like it. So, every time I made a boundary and she crossed right over it. I state my needs and she doesn't hear me. She would be happy if I had no friends, no life, but to be with her 24/7.
I tried to balance her my program etc. but, it wasn't enough for her. She always has a way of telling me how inadequate I am and how I'm not meeting her needs.
That she feels "alone" and not in a relationship. So, I'm hurting now because I realized I can't make her happy. I have to make me happy. It's just different for me.

[Krs]

You have consider your priorities at this stage and she should understand that!

[luvee]

Life's like that Sfg33. Don't expect everyone around you to understand you and support you. The best thing to do is find happiness within yourself, love yourself first, nothing is greater than that for you cannot give love to anyone if you're incomplete. There are lots of good things awaiting you... Someone better will come into your life soon.Godbless you.

[Wildcat21]

"always has a way of telling me how inadequate I am and how I'm not meeting her needs. That she feels "alone" and not in a relationship."

Dude - RUN from women like this. YOU can't make them happy. Run!

It's NOT YOU. It's totally 1000% her. Believe me.

When I say remember the bad - remember her crossing - remember all these mind games stuff. I've been with women like this - has she been in an abusive relationship? divorce? parents divorced? bad chilhood? You'll never be good enough - this is a massive form of abuse.

Quick question - does she still want to be with you??

[Krs]

Relationships are all about compromise.
She is just NOT compromising at all and I can see it from what you are explaining about her actions, attitude and what she expects from you!

[valinors_sorrow]

I can still recall passing through that codependency/dysfuntional wall to find the other side of healthy living. It made quite a few people unhappy at the time since I was daring to change without their permission LOL. We no longer fit and it was clear I wasn't going to revert to my old self so it eventually took care of itself as one by one of the "hostage takers" left. It turned out in the long run be one of the happiest and freeing experiences I have ever had and there's been no looking back ever since except to hold my hand out to the next one coming through in order to welcome them.

Welcome Sfqt33 welcome!

[sfqt33]

Hi again,
She claims she still wants to be with me, but wants me to PINPOINT specific days that I will be with her. She wants a schedule from me. She claims she " doesn't understand my recovery thing", yet she won't take any steps to try and understand it.
To answer your question Wildcat, yes she has been divorced ( abusive relationship ) and was raised in a alcoholic home. She herself however, does not abuse any substances, but her behavior is that of a co-dependant and wounded child.
Honestly, I believe if she trusted me and herself and focused on "her crap", she would appreciate the moments we have together and not demand them.:(

[Wildcat21]

Yeah I kind of figured an abusive marriage/divorce... ughhhhh - there are some real creeps out there that treat women terribly, these women get into marriages without REALLY knowing the guy. I know kind of the patern. Then they make excuses for the guy.

Schedule? Hmmmmm - maybe plan a date night - but you have to keep hammering home what your needs are.

Is she in therapy? Sounds like she needs it.

If she can't understand what you need... well, more red flags.

[talaniman]

Most recoverying people don't understand that they are changing and a relationship, healthy or not is in danger of being caught up in a whirlpool of emerging feelings that must be dealt with. Until you get to the point where YOU are healthy leave any other relationship ALONE. Now is the time to work on you. Don't pull anyone into this whirlpool. That's not fair because they have NO clue where your at or where your going.

[valinors_sorrow]

With the sick people we begin to leave behind by healing, we can only suggest they look at what they are doing and join in the recovery process too. This is how Al-Anon was born out of AA long ago -- too many were being left behind because they didn't have a recovery process of their own. If, after hearing our suggestion, they aren't receptive-- then they aren't. And while I have to honor that choice from many of the people I dearly love and used to spend a lot of time with, I also have to grieve the separation it creates too, an ever-widening gap that my growth in recovery makes unavoidable. It seems I can't go back and they cannot come with and this is how my family and I became estranged. The gap simply got too wide, and as it did, they became nastier and nastier knowing they were losing me. It never seemed to occur to them that I was losing them too. I have found it a particularly difficult grieving since it feels like I do it utterly alone. But that isn't entirely true -- many people are with me in spirit who have been right where I am. It just feels alone. I ask for (and receive) acknowlegement from those who know what this is like and that helps. I understand how appropriate the phrase "courage to change" from the Serenity Prayer is now. Very very accurate.

[YeloDasy]

There are people out there who are willing to understand and accept your lifestyle, that includes recovery and all that come with it! I see why she would want to know when you are going to see her... and that would be a great idea... but that doesn't really change the fact that she needs more from you than you are able to give right now... and her unwilling to accept certain things in your life makes it difficult to focus on what you need. Even if you give her what she wants, you don't sound like that is a good plan for you... don't settle! You don't sound like you want to be in this right now... even if you take a break to get some breathing room, that would be good too... decide later... breath now!

[sfqt33]

Thanks everyone,
It's difficult because I feel I am moving in a whole different direction than her. I hung out with my friends this weekend. I felt good. Went to meetings felt respected, etc. Then she calls. My problem, I answered.. anyway, she starts yelling at me saying if I loved her I would "come home" and be with her. I told her to mellow out and went about my day. Got home and there was all my stuff and my key on my porch. I don't even feel upset right now. I feel relieved. I didn't call her and engage in the game. Whatever, I feel so powerless right now.
I know she wants me to react and call her but I'm not going to. She just loves to tell my how messed up I am and how I am screwing up.

[valinors_sorrow]

You have left her behind and so you'll eventually have to leave her too.

[Wildcat21]

I think this is really good. She sounds like she may get abusive -you don't ever want that. SHe is very controlling.

" She just loves to tell my how messed up I am " - you don't need that EVER. You're not messed up.

Take the next 6 months to yourself. I think someone here mentioned you shouldn't be involved with a women right now anyway - let alone a controlling women.

[JuLee]

Time doesn't heal the pain, but LOVE does. You just to find someone who truly loves you and all the pain will go away. But don't forget most importantly, you have to love yourself also. With billions of people in this world, trust me, there is a right one out there for you. Have faith.