[kctiger]

KC, with all due respect, and I'm sure you know that your advice here is valued, I have seen the NC threads go on and on. There has been at least 3, with 1500 posts each. This is not just something that should just be a simple "roll your eyes" and leave already-- situation. Until you've been in a controlling relationship, you don't understand the dynamics. It's a very hard situation to deal with. I'm having a bit of a hard time explaining how this is a different thing between men and women, but it really is.

With all due respect, I am the first one to advise her to leave this relationship. I did not try to downplay the seriousness of the situation. I think there have been 6 pages of people trying to make the warning signs she has mentioned very apparent, which is why I said that. I apologize if I offended. I am well aware of the dangerous situations that arise with these types of relationships. I also understand it isn't as simple as her just leaving...

I will bow out now. Sorry to make light of a serious situation.

[starbuck8]

WHILE THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. I keep having this dream that if I were to leave him or something bad were to happen that he would choke me or something...not sure why because I do not feel threatened being with him and he would probably cry if I told him that ( he is a VERY sensitive man).

Ahhh! Sensitive man! OH WOW! Are you sure you're not dating my ex? Sensitive along with all of the other things you have mentioned is just a concoction of a bunch of things getting ready to explode!

[AmExp]

Yes Starbuck. You are right there are two sides to every story. I would like to talk to her about it but that would never happen. The strange thing is that He is more worried about me leaving him. He is just THAT WORRIED about it.

The funny thing is, he thinks I am a tough chick. We have had some close calls and I have not cried and begged him to come back once. I think that bothers him because he is used to that.

[HistorianChick]

The best thing about this situation is the fact that it is still relatively new. It's only four months. He bought you gifts, took you on vacations, spent bucus of money on you, and treated you like a princess for several months.

He is now showing a bit of his true character, and you have a right to be alarmed.

Take the advice and put a stop to it while you're still new in the situation.

Staying for gifts and because you think you're different (or can "change him") is not going to be good in the long run.

Chances are, you're not different from the last girl, you're never going to change him, you'll end up losing who YOU are, and you'll be back on here in a few months wishing you had put a stop to it.

Find someone with a similar mindset. You want flirty fun, find a guy who is flirty and fun.

This is still new. Make the change.

[starbuck8]

Yes Starbuck. You are right there are two sides to every story. I would like to talk to her about it but that would never happen. The strange thing is that He is more worried about me leaving him. He is just THAT WORRIED about it.

The funny thing is, he thinks I am a tough chick. We have had some close calls and I have not cried and begged him to come back once. I think that bothers him because he is used to that.

He's worried about you leaving, because he will lose his control. That isn't kosher with him! No one leaves HIM! HE leaves! That is the only way he will have it!

[AmExp]

OH WOW. Funny how he proclaimed that at the beginning. He was like I was the one that left... Do you think he is the type of guy that will leave me first? I would feel so small if he left before I did. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I would.

[DSMom]

Yes Starbuck. You are right there are two sides to every story. I would like to talk to her about it but that would never happen. The strange thing is that He is more worried about me leaving him. He is just THAT WORRIED about it.

The funny thing is, he thinks I am a tough chick. We have had some close calls and I have not cried and begged him to come back once. I think that bothers him because he is used to that.

You being a touch chick (that sounds familiar... my ex used to say the same) Has shown you to be a challenge to him, and his sensitiveness is part of a way to manipulate you. He is so sensitive so that you give in to him, so that you "see his sensitivity"... and believe he is sensitive...

You shouldn't HAVE to talk to his ex... all of the signs are right there for you to see... He is fake, materialistic and controlling... He tried to win you over with wining and dining, vacations, buying you things, then shows his "sensitive side" when somethingn "upsets" him or "hurts his feelings"... YET he can talk CRAP to you and then play it off like he was joking..

[DSMom]

OH WOW. Funny how he proclaimed that at the beginning. He was like I was the one that left.....Do you think he is the type of guy that will leave me first? I would feel so small if he left before I did. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I would.

HE will be doing the leavign unless you make it a point to do something...

Like I said, I LEFT MY EX... ut he has told stories about me trashing everything he owns and telling me to leave, LOL... He can have his stories, he can talk all he wants, I know this... I NOW HAVE MY LIFE BACK!

[starbuck8]

OH WOW. Funny how he proclaimed that at the beginning. He was like I was the one that left.....Do you think he is the type of guy that will leave me first? I would feel so small if he left before I did. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I would.

He won't leave you until you threaten to leave him. If he see's this as a possibility?---oh yes---he's gone! He won't be nice about it either!

[AmExp]

I will have to come back guys! I need to go to the mall and walk around! I ned to clear my head. I am so sad and disappointed! THANK YOU ALL!! I WILL BE BACK SHORTLY! Please keep posting or asking questions if anything arises!

[starbuck8]

Just a thought--Has he ever asked you to dress in a certain way? One way when you are out for the night, but hinted about dressing a different way when around his family?

Has he made negative comments about your friends?

[jmw0713]

You know AmExp, if things were going great, you wouldn't be on here asking all of these questions. Obviously something is not right with this guy or this relationship, and deep down you know it... hence the reason you are here today.

We all have dissected your story and all of your rationalizations of the situation, and added our insights. Now it is up to you to decide what is best FOR YOU.

[starbuck8]

You know AmExp, if things were going great, you wouldn't be on here asking all of these questions. Obviously something is not right with this guy or this relationship, and deep down you know it....hence the reason you are here today.

We all have dissected your story and all of your rationalizations of the situation, and added our insights. Now it is up to you to decide what is best FOR YOU.

Some people are just not seeing that it is not always as clear cut as this! Does she need to leave? YESTERDAY! But just to pass it off like this, is not necessarily the best way to handle this! What you are saying in essence is to just "get on with it!" I would like to say this too, but I know unless she fully understands, she may just stay. I think she is really trying to digest this, and she knows there is something that is wrong here. Please don't try and discourage her from keeping an open dialouge with us!

[UnluckyDucky]

To answer your question about why my ex's ex-husband threw her out of the car, it was over what she was going to cook for dinner. She said she needed to get things to make whatever dinner and he disagreed. She was temporarily paralyzed and couldn't walk for almost a year. Nearly died. It didn't start this way though. First with the small things, telling her what to do all the time, etc. Then it spiraled into physical abuse. For example, if the kitchen was not exactly spotless he would hit her over a small crumb on the kitchen counter.

Now granted, I think her case is an example of an extreme but it did happen to her, I've seen the scars. They were together for around 11 years. What happened to her was a combination of his control over her, plus the fact that they married Catholic (no need to debate about religion, just giving the facts here) and she was raised to never leave the marriage ever for any reason. Also, for the first few years of the marriage, EVERYONE including family and friends absolutely loved this guy. But as time passed, they all started to see his true nature.

In the end, her final wake-up call was when she nearly was killed. Not trying to hijack your thread here but I wanted to answer your question.

[jmw0713]

I wasn't dicouraging open dialouge, but her perceived denial on the whole situation seems to be preventing her from seeing the whole situation for what it is. I was just trying to point out the fact that we can all see.

I know that situations like this are niether 100% clear cut nor easy to resolve. I understand she has a ton of things to think about.

I am in no way trying to scare her from seeking further advice.

[kctiger]

JM, I have already talked to Starbuck about this. It is a little more complicated than telling someone to just leave. There are a lot more emotions and psychological factors that are involved. Perhaps it is best to let the women take if from here...

[starbuck8]

To answer your question about why my ex's ex-husband threw her out of the car, it was over what she was going to cook for dinner. She said she needed to get things to make whatever dinner and he disagreed. She was temporarily paralyzed and couldn't walk for almost a year. Nearly died. It didn't start off this way though. First with the small things, telling her what to do all the time, etc. Then it spiraled into physical abuse. For example, if the kitchen was not exactly spotless he would hit her over a small crumb on the kitchen counter.

Now granted, I think her case is an example of an extreme but it did happen to her, I've seen the scars. They were together for around 11 years. What happened to her was a combination of his control over her, plus the fact that they married Catholic (no need to debate about religion, just giving the facts here) and she was raised to never leave the marriage ever for any reason. Also, for the first few years of the marriage, EVERYONE including family and friends absolutely loved this guy. But as time passed, they all started to see his true nature.

In the end, her final wake-up call was when she nearly was killed. Not trying to hijack your thread here but I wanted to answer your question.

I actually don't think her case was as extreme as some people think! My ex got mad because I wanted to stay at a baseball game watching a friends kid play, while we were out of town visiting with them. He through my suitcases out onto the hwy. and as I was trying to gather things, I got into the box of the truck to try and lift the suitcases up! He started taking off down the hwy. with the tailgate still open! He started to speed up, and then he slammed on the brakes! I'm just lucky I held on, and didn't get thrown into oncoming hwy traffic!

This was the same guy that showered me with gifts and told me how beautiful I was all of the time.

[AmExp]

Well, the mall was therapeutic. But I am still very confused. I am going to need more time to process all of this. We had a nice conversation ( via phone) and then I walked around the mall. On my way home my boyfriend mentions something that he earlier tried to say could be my fault. When the situation proved I was faultless and I harmlessly pointed it out he got testy and said, "Not everything is about Princess AmExp. We were talking about me and my situation. Not you!"... 30 minutes later I get a text saying, "I am sorry that wasn't nice of me to say at all. I didn't mean that you were harmless (which I truly am)"... I didn't respond. He then called me asking if I got his message and that he was yet again sorry and didn't mean to hurt my feelings...

Maybe I am blowing this one out of proportion. Seems silly enough, but I don't know. He has been snapping at me a lot more.

[starbuck8]

He's getting scared that you are starting to figure him out. He says something wrong... rethinks... appologizes... and then gets defensive again.

[AmExp]

As for what I wear... well. During the holidays he asked me to come over and meet his family who were in town. ( Sisters, their kids and husbands, his mom and dad, plus his two children)... whew. Earlier that day he had met my because I had returned from my holiday trip ( their encounter was pleasant and unplanned). Anyway, when I was dressing for the visit I bent over. He was like you can't wear those pants. They show your underwear. I just told him I can change the cut of the underwear and that was that. He felt the need to remind me the whole way there to make sure they don't show. Then one night I got all dolled up wearing a new stripped dress that my cousin and his partner helped me accessorize. My boyfriend told me I looked stunning and really pretty. We took some pictures and I didn't like how they turned out. I felt I looked chunky (nothing is wrong with being chunky but that dress did NOT make me look that way in person). He later told me yeah, stripes look terrible on me and that I should not wear them again and to turn that outfit. That really hurt my feelings because HE was the one praising how nice I looked. He claimed he didn't want to tell me because I was trying to look nice. He has said things like I look better naked and that his ex-gf was the same way ( who he compares me to A LOT!! ) He says I remind him of her in many ways, but that she was as dumb as a box or rocks and couldn't handle that.